ultrasound on neck today

Today I am getting another ultrasound on my neck. The Dr told me that my lymph node felt smaller, which is good & if the u/s showed that then he is ok with it since cancer gets bigger not smaller.

Anyway, every since he told me I should have be relieved. But instead I was nervous for the u/s, nervous they would get big again, and nervous for what it would show.

I woke up today very nervous. It jolted me out of my sleep. But the odd thing is that I get these waves of calmess (which is nice). But they do not last long. However I am happy to be moving past this part of things.

I just hope it shows they shrunk. Logically they have. When I had the first u/s I could feel the lymph node very easily. It stuck out of my neck when I looked even slight up. And if I put my hand on my neck I could feel it under my skin.

Now, if I feel my skin, there is only the tiniest of bumps where the node was. But stupid me, this week that wasn't good enough for me. So I craned my neck way back (like almost looked behind me!). Then I could feel a pretty long hard line which I am pretty sure is my node. And it feels skinny, but long. Anyway, is the node sac is empty and that by pushing my head like that it fills up or gets compressed making it bigger? I don't have it on the other side.

Also, where I can see the small bump on my skin, it was hard. But it has started turing soft. And I swear at some points it feels like the softness is draining out, and on those days I can feel it move down. Then the node feels smaller.

Anyway, I have examined myself way too much. I wish I did not know what a lymph node was.

Oh good luck, I have my doctors appointment tomorrow and am petrified! I am trying not to touch my neck, but it is really hard not to do that! Update us to let us know how you got on today!

Just a quick update. I had my ultrasound. I have never been so scared about an appt in my life!! Anyway they said my nodes all looked normal. They even said that the one that I was worried about is ok (it went down from the last time, which cancer doesn't do!) and that it is supposed to be bigger than the others since it is a primary node near my skin. So it has to fight infections, etc.. The Technicial even checked with the Radiologist before I left to make sure he agreed (to reassure me). But they said all looked good.

Despite a cancer Dr telling me I am ok, despite the ultrasound, I am still worried! But I am going to try to move on. Part of that will be to stay away from here since this site is good but feeds my anxiety sometimes. Takecare and good luck everyone! I wasted 3 months worrying about this. At the worst of times I was mean to my family. At the best I was there (but not there) if you know what I mean. It is time to be present. And part of that is accepting the diagonis, and knowing you can never be 100% sure, but you can be fairly sure and that has to be good enough.

Good luck!