Afraid of Diarrhea or any bowel movement actually
Hi I posted recently about my bowel worries. I am in a horrible state over my bowel habits. I am so terrified of getting any form of diarrhea that I have a panic attack when going to the toilet now. Some days I am going 4 times with the constand feeling that I need to go and it will be diarrhea. Yesterday it wasn't loose at all, but I just kept needing to go small amounts. I had been constipated the day before and so yesterday I used a gelatine suppository which did the trick, but then I felt irritated and like I was about to have diarrhea all day.
I know I am obsessing about my bowels and I think about nothing else all day. I keep going and sitting on the loo as I feel I need to and then I don't.
I am so sure there is something awful wrong. I have had some tests including CT scan but have not had a colonoscopy as I am far too phobic to drink the bowel prep and make myself ill. I will have any other test but it seems this is the one test they want to do. So I cannot get help because of my phobia. I am having CBT and trauma therapy, but so far I still live in a place of intense terror and suicidal thoughts. I feel like there is no way out and the pain of living with this fear is unbearable.
I am afraid of my own body,
Please help if you have any advice or experience. Thank you.