Like caring for a child

Hello everyone,

I live with my boyfriend who has (quite recently) started having panic attacks and experiencing anxiety. I love him very mush, but I do get very frustrated at times. I know he can't help getting himself in a state sometimes, but I am starting to feel like its controlling me.

The problem is that he has no motivation to do anything whatsoever. He wants to sit at home and do nothing. But at the moment he is this close to getting kicked out of University and he won't listen to me when I tell him he needs to do something about it. He had a meeting today with some guy from "Learning Support" and was really close to not going. I had to practically frogmarch him there. He just keeps saying he doesn't care if he gets thrown out, so why go? I get so frustrated because I KNOW it matters to him, but he won't lift a finger to help himself.

He keeps getting really upset and nothing I say can calm him down. I tell him its all going to be ok and get shouted at. I try and hug him or rub his shoulders and he brushes me away, yet he won't let me leave him alone.

He always thinks I'm on his back, just when I'm trying to help him. In the car today I was trying to convince him to go to his meeting and he was saying he ddn't care when I said "Well I care and it matters to me". Then he started saying everything was all about me and all his life had to be centered sround me. I know he doesn't mean it, he knows I am only trying to help him, but he constantly makes me feel unwanted as if I'm getting in the way all the time.

He said the other day that it was my fault he was ill, which hurt a lot. He apologised a lot afterwards, but I can't forget it. I am even blaming myself for him getting kicked out of Uni, which isn't fair because it is not and has never been my fault.

Wow. Breathe. Look at that huge essay I just wrote! Sorry for subjecting you guys to such a long post. Made me feel a little better to get it off my chest though!

Laura

Laura

It is very hard to be on the receiving end of this and I can see that you really care about him and want to help him all you can.

I guess he won't come on here and read some stuff will he?

Can you help make some small changes in his life like diet and maybe getting him to go for walks with you etc for some exercise?

Do you have any hobbies that you can both do together?

How is he doing on the medication ?

Nicola

Hi Nicola,

It can be difficult to care for him because as well as this he has quite a dependant personality I guess. As long as I've known him I've had to look after him to some degree. Left to his own devices he would not eat (I struggle to get him to eat more than one meal a day anyway) or leave the house at all.

I will try and encourage him to take a look on here. It might make him feel a little better, since at the moment he is convinced that he's the only person who feels like he does and there must be something terribly wrong with him.

He used to go down the gym a lot, right up to his first year of Uni. He used to go to the football a lot as well, but is doing that less and less. All he wants to do is sit at home and smoke (Yeah I've tried to get him to give it up, but he just says he'll stop after Uni. I think we both know he won't though) and he views anything else as a chore. The problem is he has no motivation, nothing he wants to do.

I try to get him to do stuff, but if I try too hard he says I'm nagging him.

He is still taking his medication. Hasn't been sleeping very well though, which I think may be a side-effect of the medication? Doesn't seem to have kicked in yet, but he's only been on it for a little while.

Laura

Lucy,

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the depression you know. I think he's been depressed for a long time before I met him as well. He has been to the GP about his panic attacks. He is on some (anti-deppressant) tablets for his anxiety and he gets free counselling at University.

I also think you're right about me needing some "me-time". I do spend most of everyday with him, aside from when I am in lectures or at work on saturdays. I will try to set aside a bit of time for myself when I can. i think that will help me keep my spirits up a little.

Thanks for your advice!

Laura

Hi Laura, welcome to the forums. I can't really add anything more than what the others have already said, except that I blamed my parents a lot when I started suffering with panic whilst I was at senior school, and when they forced me to do the things I was afraid of, I hated them for it at that moment, but looking back now I can safely say that I never once meant it, and I'm so glad that they did force me to do those things now that I'm more in control!

Leah xx

--- Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/default...=cms&c=reading

claire well done for not giving up. many of on this site wish we could go back to the people we were once , but it is not just a matter of pulling up your socks. anxiety and fear grips you leaving you a shadow of your former self

it is so easy just to walk away but i can assure you if you both really love eachother try to be patient with him. anxiety is not forever and understanding it is half your battle

talk to us for help any time. would he not join in, im sure he would find it really helpful. as you can see this site has many men aand women who are going through the same as you both


the site above is nomorepanic reading list . the book i reccommend to everyone is claire weekes book called self help for your nerves. it will be a good book for you both and will take away alot of the fear that is brought on by the effects of anxiety. this book is responsible for making many with anxiety well again, a thing that may seem out of reach to you both

welcome and i hope we can help you both
jackie