Tough week

I've been having a really tough week. Last weekend I noticed i had a couple of small but palpable lymph nodes in my neck. Of course I freaked and went to the doc, he said it was nothing, just a small reactive node. Still, I've been constantly checking them, worrying, trying and failing to determine if they're getting bigger or smaller. Today, I had just about finally convinced myself to relax and then I felt with my tongue a small, painless hard lump in the jawbone where a wisdom tooth used to be. I can see it, it's pink and a little bigger than a pinhead.

Well, I lost it, I tried to find a Saturday dentist on my insurance and couldn't, and I just broke down. I know it's almost certain to be nothing, probably a bone fragment that is pushing it's way out after some time, it happens. Or any number of benign conditions, the symptoms I have are either something common and harmless or would only come with some sort of super rare bone cancer that's about as likely as getting struck by lightning.

But I'm still worried. And you know what bothers me the most? Not that it might be cancer but how I'm gonna be for the rest of the weekend and until I can get in to see a dentist. I'm dreading and even fearing the stress and worry I'm going to have, knowing I won't be able to let it go. It was a year ago this month my dad got diagnosed with a brain tumor, and it's been a super hard year for me whole family, and I think "wouldn't this just be the perfect capper for this crappy year, to get mouth cancer." I know that's magical thinking but I still can't shake it.

I just feel hopeless, that for the rest of my life I'm going to freak out over every tiny, 99.9%-gonna-be-benign symptom for the rest of my life. I had it under control until my dad got cancer, but it's been worse than ever since then. He's doing fine, he's responding well to treatment and his prognosis is good. But it's just left me raw, like 20 years of building up coping strategies and resistance to HA was wiped out overnight. I hate being this way.

Health anxiety is the worst. I reminded myself just yesterday that we with health anxiety are "hypersensitive". We notice and focus on tiny little things that everyone experiences at some point, but for us, we decide they are fatal. I have a few people in my life who can give me an honest perspective about how a non-HA person deals. I always ask the "would this be something that you would think about, or even bring to the attention of a doctor?" 99% of the time they say no.

As for the lymph nodes, trust your doctor. If he/she was concerned at alll, they would be checking further. They don't want to lose their practice when they could have given you a simple ultrasound! Do you know how many lymph nodes they've felt? More than you or me, for sure.

As for the tooth, the fact that a wisdom tooth used to be there makes me think scar tissue, not bone cancer. I'm not a doctor, of course, but I think you can put that one to rest until it's convenient for you to see a dentist.

i'm sorry about your Dad, but glad that he's doing fine. On Tuesday, I have my first appointment with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist...hoping she can help to train my mind to problem solve instead of worry. Might be something to consider?

All the best to you---I feel certain that you are just fine. :)

I agree we are hypersensitive to everything . You would not believe all the tiny things I worried over this past month from ms to cancer etc all from body sensations . I too have had a mouth cancer worry with sore roof of mouth , then small ulcer then spot on inside cheek, etc. Mouth cancer is relatively rare , most common in older men who smoke .

I hate it as well. It so hard to bear but we have to keep trying
Ellie

I am going to the dentist today, just for peace of mind. I google searched everything I could about oral cancer and nothing matches what I have. The internet is so keen on telling you you have cancer I figure it's a good sign when it won't. My mom even says she has a similar thing in a similar spot, but you can never tell if moms are just trying to ease your mind.

The nodes are still there, but they seem to be the same size or smaller. Soft and movable, perfectly fine. I read that 53% of adults have palpable lymph nodes. I only went looking for them because I had a slight sore throat, if I was a normal person I probably wouldn't even know that I have palpable nodes right now. Stupid HA.

Update: Dentist said it was simply some calcified tissue and nothing to worry about. Do you ever feel stupid asking doctors if obviously benign conditions are cancer?

That good news x

It is, now I just have to get myself to believe him! I asked him straight up if it was a tumor and he said no. But later he said if it starts to grow I need to have an oral surgeon excise and biopsy it. I don't think he meant to see if it's cancer because gum growths can be all kinds of benign conditions but need different treatment regimens. I spent all afternoon reading pubmed articles on differential diagnoses on mouth growths and they are extremely common and almost always benign.

The "wait and see if it gets bigger" advice probably works for most people, who just forget about it and three months later accidentally stumble across it and go "ah guess it didn't grow". I'll be checking the size of the thing daily for months.

I get that , I hate that parting comment when doctors say something like if it gets bigger or worse come back then I automatically think oh no what if it does and worry starts over again.

I really though would try to block it out now . Don't even look at it or if you must set say a time in 4 wks etc.

I no expert at all on dealing with health anxiety . But constant checking never helps

Ellie

---------- Post added at 21:35 ---------- Previous post was at 21:28 ----------

I get that , I hate that parting comment when doctors say something like if it gets bigger or worse come back then I automatically think oh no what if it does and worry starts over again.

I really though would try to block it out now . Don't even look at it or if you must set say a time in 4 wks etc.

I no expert at all on dealing with health anxiety . But constant checking never helps

Ellie

I'm glad that all is well. :) It was a good idea to get it looked at. The hard part is to try and not let anxiety get the better of you in the interim. That's something I'm trying to work on as well with my own HA worries. Don't feel embarrassed about asking if a new growth is cancerous. The average person can't know the answer to that question. Try not to worry obsessively about it (easier said than done, I know). Don't google mouth stuff anymore. That's not going to help. The dentist isn't worried about it and so you shouldn't either. They'll look at it again the next time you get your teeth cleaned.