Letter to my anxiety

Hey everyone,

Been through a really rough time with my HA over the past few weeks and I've finally reached my breaking point.

I've been looking for ways to make positive changes and I'm finally taking control over my anxiety. After avoiding the Dr. for years, I finally have an appointment for next week. Not for a specific symptom but for my anxiety. I think going and getting a physical and discussing my anxiety will be the first big step to moving forward.

I've spent 20 years fighting this beast off and on and I think it's time to start going on the offensive instead of constantly playing defense. I'm getting married in a few weeks, I have a new job that I've worked for years to get and I'm taking charge of my health by changing my diet and working out every day.

I decided to give my anxiety a name (Dave) and figured it was time to have a conversation with him and tell him that the rules have changed. This might come across as kind of dumb, but I figured I would share it because I know we are all like-minded and I feel that sharing this might help to keep me accountable. So, here is my letter to Dave.


Dave,
We’ve known each other a long time. Close to 20 years. That is a lifetime. Longer than some peoples lifetimes and if you had been right, much longer than my life would ever have been.
You’ve tried to convince me so many times that my lifetime was nearing its end. Yet here I am. I’m not even close to where I should be, but I’m getting better. And that terrifies you. That scares you so much more than you have ever been able to scare me.
You see me finally getting to a place in my life that is good. I’m getting married in a few weeks. I have a job that I enjoy. I’m getting into shape.
You see all of these improvements that I’m making and you’re starting to panic. You think that a time is coming where you won’t be able to keep winning.
You’re right.
Twenty years of you telling me that something is wrong. You’ve told me that I had heart problems. I didn’t. You’ve told me that I have lymphoma. I don’t. You’ve told me that I had tonsil cancer. I didn’t. Oral cancer, cancer on my rib cage, more lymph nodes, more throat problems, lingering cough that’s not a big deal that you said was lung cancer. It wasn’t.
And you now you want me to believe that I have melanoma because I have a mole that has been unchanged for a long time. And as always, you’re lying. As always, I believe you.
But I’m done with it. You always lie and you’re always wrong.
You’ve been winning for so f**king long. But not anymore.
I know that you’ve won hundreds of times and I’ve only won a few, but those days are over.
Maybe tomorrow you will win. Maybe for the next few weeks you’re going to win. You’re not going to win today. I don’t care if it f**king kills me, I’m not checking my mole today, I’m not googling today, I’m not asking for reassurance today.
Today, you lose.
And more days like this are going to come. You’re going to win some but sooner or later, the ratio is going to turn in my favor and once it does, I will show you no f**king mercy.
I know you’re not going away anytime soon, maybe you will never go away. But the time will come, and it’s coming sooner than you think, where you’re going to scream into the void with nobody to listen to you or take you seriously. You’re going to keep shrinking and shrinking and losing your power.
Maybe YOU should be the one checking your symptoms, maybe something is wrong with you. Maybe you should google “host starting to take his mental health back.”
And I’m not lying. I am dead f**king serious. Serious as cancer, Dave.
You’re the only part of me that is dying. You’re the only part of me that is getting weaker.
I promise you that.
Until we talk again.
R.

Great post! Should be a sticky!

FMP

I agree, should be a sticky….very powerful post.

Very best of luck…you have the attitude to tame the beast.:yesyes:

Excellent!

You show Dave who's boss mate! (and with this attitude, Dave will come to understand that you're the boss of him, not the other way around)

Thanks for the kind words. Really looking forward to getting my life back.

Absolutely love this - so me right now but feel I am beaten by Dave right now ……. But great to read xxx be strong and carry on telling Dave to do one 🥰

I know the feeling all too well. He’s acting up a bit today because I have my appointment tomorrow.

Things will get better (for both of us). Just hold strong!