Just need to vent

I am in therapy and on an antidepressant and my dosage was just upped. I have felt a lot better the past month and now I am falling again. I know with this pandemic many are struggling with anxiety. I am just at a point where I feel so hopeless, I just know something is wrong with me. And then I believe that since something is wrong with me if I contract COVID it will definitely kill me. People keep telling me that I’m 20 and that I would be fine, but I know that young people die, especially when I just know there is something underlying wrong with me. For example, my other thread I talked about three red spots/bumps in my armpit. I have video chatted two doctors, one said hidrandenitis supportive and he said it’s just a skin condition and that mine is very mild. The second doctor told me it does not look like skin cancer and to do warm compresses. Those two were online appointments, last week I went to my regular doctor. He looked at them and did not seem concerned and prescribed me a cream and an antibiotic just in case it was a staph infection and sent me on my way. The two bumps have gotten smaller as they do, but the coloring never goes away, and then they fill back up with pus. I’ve had them four months now. And I am so scared that they are going to kill me.

Next, I have been having nose bleeds in my left nostril. They happen randomly sometimes, but at least once a week if I wipe my nose out with a Kleenex it will start bleeding. I video chatted a dr about this, she told me my nose can be dry and to put Neosporin in it from a q-tip, still having that issue and bleeding once a week at least. I’m afraid I have a cancerous growth in my nose.

Lastly, my sister is convinced she has some rare genetic disorder called FFI that has no cure and kills the person within 18 months. She has not been sleeping the past few months, literally an hour at night at most. So she spends all of her time on the couch crying and asking us if she’s going to hell. It is the hardest thing to watch. Her doctor’s keep trying to remind her how rare it is, but of course they add the “it’s possible.” The only way to know is for her to get genetic testing, and that entire process is a pain. I am so worried about her and I don’t want anything to happen to her, and then there is a selfish part in my mind that knows if she had it it would be likely my brother and I would as well. She is having a baby in the beginning of September and she hasn’t been working because of the pandemic, my work is cutting my hours a lot and she needs help buying clothes and things for the baby, and I am buying as much as I can to help. I have found that I have been having a horrible time sleeping and I wake up several times a night and I’m having horrible, vivid nightmares every single night.

I am just having such a hard time. I live in a small county of about 50,000 and we are rising in cases. I know we are over 300 and have 50 new cases in just the last week. And I work in public as a cashier so I am being coughed on all day. I go home just wondering if i contracted a t that day or not. And when I get anxious I feel like my throat tightens and I cannot breathe properly. My mom keeps saying she feels like she’s getting sick everyday and she seeks reassurance from me which sets my anxiety off. She just keeps telling us it’s only a matter of time before one of us brings it home. I have just given up on college. All of the classes are online and I got a refund in order to pay for some therapy sessions.

I’m sorry for the long vent, things are just really difficult. We haven’t really worked on my health anxiety in therapy yet, she believes there’s other issues from what I have told her that need to be addressed first.

I don't know what advice to give you, but I'm sorry you're stressed and I hope it gets better. Hang in there. :hugs:

Glad to hear about the therapy and meds. I would let your therapist read this TBH. Its an accurate written journal of your thoughts and mindset.

Positive thoughts

Thank you both for your responses. I am definitely glad that I am putting the money in for therapy. I feel like there is so much going on in my life right now that it is really beneficial to have a listening ear. With a combination of medication and therapy she has told me that I am doing what’s best for myself, and that given time I will be on the road to recovery. I am very much looking forward to that day when I can begin waking up everyday not feeling dread and anxiety constantly.