Reaching breaking point....

Hi everyone,

Just want some reassurance really. I think I may actually be going crazy :weep:
I have been suffering from acute anxiety since January following a load of crap happening in my life all in one go.

Since then I have been seeing a CBT therapist and have been prescribed various different meds. Diazepam, Fulpentixol, Amytriptyline, Citalopram.

A few weeks back I was
given the Flupentixol and had a bad reaction to it which ended up with me blacking out whilst I was in the shower, which frightened the life out of me and did no good for my panicking whatsoever.
I went to the Doctor in a right state and saw a Doctor who wasn't my usual one who thought it was very extreme for me to be on all the meds I was and told me I'd probably had a reaction to the Flupentixol which had caused me to black out, he took me off of them.
All was well, (well, as well as normal, about 10 attacks a week, which is about usual for me since this all started) until last Thursday. I had a nightmare and woke up in a state of panic, I did my usual thing, get up go downstairs, potter about and try and distract myself from the symptoms. I get hyperventilation tetany so my hands all cramp up and I can't move them, which in itself is pretty scary. Once my hands had relaxed and I got my breathing more under control, I made myself a glass of juice and headed back upstairs. When I got upstairs I opened my bedroom door and blacked out again. I banged my head really hard this time and when I woke up on the floor in a heap panicked because it had happened again.
I couldn't get in to see my doctor and wasn't able to get into work. I was previously signed off for 4 weeks then put on a phased return to work, since then I have had a few odd days off here and there where I have had a particularly bad night or where I have not been able to get my attacks under control and ended up exhausted from them. I managed to get in to see yet another different doctor on the Friday and he upped my Citalopram to 40mg from 20.
I came back to work yesterday and my boss did not speak to me for the whole day. I have been aware that I had to have a Medical Information meeting today for the last few weeks. I was told this would just be with my line manager and was to make sure that work are doing all they can for me and help them understand what is wrong with me. I went into the meeting and have only just been able to keep things together since it finished.
My boss was there with the HR manager, I was told yesterday that I was unable to be accompanied as it was an informal meeting. I was taken through all of the sickness I have had since I joined the company and asked whether I thought it was acceptable. I was then given a sheet and asked to sign it so that they could get access to my medical records. I asked them to elaborate and they said that they didn't want to know what was discussed in my counselling sessions, they just wanted to confirm that I had been to the doctors when I said I had.
I had an appointment with my Dr today as I am still not feeling 100% from bashing my head off the doorframe and he did some tests. He was tapping the sides of my face and then said "hmm well you are clenching when I tap your face" so gave me a blood test form and an ECG form and asked me to get them done ASAP.
I also mentioned to him what work had said about access to my medical records, he said that if I gave them permission that they would give them access to anything that was on there. Including my counselling session notes (my CBT is done at my GP surgery)
So the situation is now that I am stressed about what these tests are for, I am TERRIFIED of having my blood taken anyway, I am also anxious about what to do about giving my work access to my records.... I really don't want them to know what I discuss in my counselling sessions, some of the stuff I have talked about goes back to things that happened in my childhood and it's not any of their business.
Has anyone been in this situation with their employer? It says on the BUPA occupation health form that I was given that I can decline the request, but if I do that they may think I am making the whole thing up, but at the same time if they have the full access to everything then I will have to leave my job anyway as I don't want people knowing about some of the stuff that is in there. I can't remember what the HR manager said exactly when I refused to sign it today, but he said something along the lines of "You are contractually obliged to...." so now I'm thinking I may have no choice but to sign it.
I wish I could just quit my job today, get under my duvet and cry. Unfortunately that is not an option.
given the Flupentixol and had a bad reaction to it which ended up with me blacking out whilst I was in the shower, which frightened the life out of me and did no good for my panicking whatsoever.
I went to the Doctor in a right state and saw a Doctor who wasn't my usual one who thought it was very extreme for me to be on all the meds I was and told me I'd probably had a reaction to the Flupentixol which had caused me to black out, he took me off of them.
All was well, (well, as well as normal, about 10 attacks a week, which is about usual for me since this all started) until last Thursday. I had a nightmare and woke up in a state of panic, I did my usual thing, get up go downstairs, potter about and try and distract myself from the symptoms. I get hyperventilation tetany so my hands all cramp up and I can't move them, which in itself is pretty scary. Once my hands had relaxed and I got my breathing more under control, I made myself a glass of juice and headed back upstairs. When I got upstairs I opened my bedroom door and blacked out again. I banged my head really hard this time and when I woke up on the floor in a heap panicked because it had happened again.
I couldn't get in to see my doctor and wasn't able to get into work. I was previously signed off for 4 weeks then put on a phased return to work, since then I have had a few odd days off here and there where I have had a particularly bad night or where I have not been able to get my attacks under control and ended up exhausted from them. I managed to get in to see yet another different doctor on the Friday and he upped my Citalopram to 40mg from 20.
I came back to work yesterday and my boss did not speak to me for the whole day. I have been aware that I had to have a Medical Information meeting today for the last few weeks. I was told this would just be with my line manager and was to make sure that work are doing all they can for me and help them understand what is wrong with me. I went into the meeting and have only just been able to keep things together since it finished.
My boss was there with the HR manager, I was told yesterday that I was unable to be accompanied as it was an informal meeting. I was taken through all of the sickness I have had since I joined the company and asked whether I thought it was acceptable. I was then given a sheet and asked to sign it so that they could get access to my medical records. I asked them to elaborate and they said that they didn't want to know what was discussed in my counselling sessions, they just wanted to confirm that I had been to the doctors when I said I had.
I had an appointment with my Dr today as I am still not feeling 100% from bashing my head off the doorframe and he did some tests. He was tapping the sides of my face and then said "hmm well you are clenching when I tap your face" so gave me a blood test form and an ECG form and asked me to get them done ASAP.
I also mentioned to him what work had said about access to my medical records, he said that if I gave them permission that they would give them access to anything that was on there. Including my counselling session notes (my CBT is done at my GP surgery)
So the situation is now that I am stressed about what these tests are for, I am TERRIFIED of having my blood taken anyway, I am also anxious about what to do about giving my work access to my records.... I really don't want them to know what I discuss in my counselling sessions, some of the stuff I have talked about goes back to things that happened in my childhood and it's not any of their business.
Has anyone been in this situation with their employer? It says on the BUPA occupation health form that I was given that I can decline the request, but if I do that they may think I am making the whole thing up, but at the same time if they have the full access to everything then I will have to leave my job anyway as I don't want people knowing about some of the stuff that is in there. I can't remember what the HR manager said exactly when I refused to sign it today, but he said something along the lines of "You are contractually obliged to...." so now I'm thinking I may have no choice but to sign it.
I wish I could just quit my job today, get under my duvet and cry. Unfortunately that is not an option. :weep:

Sorry if this post is a bit rambling but I'm in quite a state and really need some advice on what to do work-wise?

hiyaa! im sorry i cant give much advise on your work, although i think its disgusting how their treating you. i just read through your post and couldnt not leave a comment. keep strong, youl get through this. have you got anyone you can talk too give you informed advise? or at least someone to rant to such as a close friend or family member?
Youl find loads of people to support you on this site!
im so sorry i cant give any more advise, just wanted to say i hope you sort everything out and feel calmer soon! xx

Thanks Jo,
Feel a little bit better now I'm at home and I've bawled my eyes out for a few hours.
Spoken to my mum this evening and she has told me NOT under any circumstance to sign the BUPA forms until I have spoken to a Union rep. I will speak to him tomorrow and see what he recommends. In the meantime I am going to try and find myself a new job, although quite how I will cope in an interview I don't know!