Citalopram Day 4 - Diary

Hi all

I wanted to start a sort of journal about starting to take Citalopram. I hope it will be helpful for folks and it will be a good record for me of the ups and downs.

I was given the prescription for 10mgs of Citalopram back in January by my GP. I did what I reckon 80% of us do at first and left them on shelf at home, scared stiff to start them. Was I really that bad ? Was it 'giving in' to start meds ? What would they do to me ? My doctor warned me that I would feel worse until I started to feel better ... exactly what an already panicky person needs to hear (not).

So for four months we would regard each other suspiciously every time I passed The Shelf. I put them next to my Propranolol which I did take when I needed them (they are good stuff for a temp solution).

Emotionally I was just getting worse and worse. I became ill in March with a bad chest infection that just wiped me out for almost three weeks. The anxious feelings were overwhelming. I couldn't function, every day was a battle and I was often in tears of sadness and frustration at what I had become. This past weekend I decided that I had had enough. I had done CBT, relaxation, herbal supplements, walking as exercise ... this was bigger than I could cope with an it was time to call in the big guns.

Monday 14th April at around 9.00 am. I took the box, opened the lid and just swallowed the first tablet (handily marked Monday). It was a lovely day so I got the dog and we went off for a walk on the coastpath. Strolling along I felt really good. Lots of dog walkers and joggers saying hello and everyone in a good mood. Had I made a mistake ? How could anyone feel upset on a morning like this ? A man came ambling toward me, beaming away to himself. We exchanged hellos and he said, 'Isn't it a great day? I love being alive !' and he held his arms out as if to embrace the feeling. I chuckled, said something inane as a reply and turned to continue my walk ... and promptly burst into sobs. I sat on a bench to compose myself and thought, 'You've absolutely done the right thing for once.'

Two hours later and I am back at home having the most almighty adrenaline surges. It's as though a storm is raging through me, rattling my body, slamming and shaking every bit of me. Just like a panic attack, in fact. The difference this time, and this is the weird thing, is that I am getting comfort from knowing that it is the medication doing this to me. It hasn't come seemingly out of the blue but is due to something that I willingly took that will ultimately do me good and give me some peace. It's an excellent opportunity to use all of your CBT tools and positive thinking methods ... and it passes.

I have another two or three throughout the day but I cope.

Day Two. Woke at 4a.m but that's not unusual. Listened to my guided sleep meditation and managed to nod off again. Got up and felt good, all told. Popped out to the corner shop, took the dog for a short walk ... yep, not too bad at all. The anxiety kicked in late afternoon. It started with a feeling of restlessness and irritation - a bit like the pre-transformation scene in 'An American Werewolf London'. Then came 'The Storm'. I knew what to do this time. I rode it out, staying as calm as possible, I didn't lose it, kept breathing ... it passed. Just a couple of brief 'bursts' later but nothing that I couldn't handle. Good.

Day Three - Hmmm, not such a good start to the day. Didn't sleep at all well. Woke up hungry and wolfed down a sugary breakfast to take my tablet. Bad idea. It seemed to hit almost immediately and it was a mutha ! I didn't manage to compose myself as well through this one and so got some secondary panic. Who knows why ? Tiredness ? Hunger ? Or just one of those things ? It passed as they always do but I decided to ring my Dr out of desperation.

She was sympathetic but implored me to just keep going. Everything that I was feeling was normal and usual, not pleasant but nothing to worry about either. She did say that I could cut the pill in half an I k now that people do, but they are teeny tiny ... how do they manage ?! Anyway, I resolved to battle on. I had started now so I'll finish :) Rest of the day was actually ok. I was a lazy bugger and flopped about on my bed but didn't stress about it. Small surge at teatime then all was calm.

Day Four (today). Ugh. Hardly any sleep at all. Got up at 5am in the end as I was starving. To be honest, I can cope with the adrenaline but I worry about the lack of an appetite. I have lost weight anyway since the beginning of the year, an I really did need to, but losing it in an 'unhealthy' way doesn't feel good. I dreamt for years of some miracle diet and now here I is - panic disorder. Cheers. Be careful what you wish for, huh ?

So I am up at 5.30 and cooking brown rice to have with fish. I would scoff this down usually ... half a forkful and I'm done :( I don't feel good, I start to worry and fret that I am damaging myself in some way. I know that my blood sugar must be low and that is contributing to the general feeling of 'cack'. I am also a tad worried as my husband went back to work today and so I am on my own with my daughter. She needs a lot of help as she is mildly disabled and he did a great job of looking after us both this week. We'll be ok.
So, here I am writing this now. Husband popped out before work to stock up on soup for me. I have eaten some yoghurt and melon and took my pill at 9am like a good girl.

Batten down the hatches ...

Great post and its good to write things down as you go through this. Firstly as you will get continuing support from fellow NMP members and secondly, you can follow your own progress. Everything you have written is classic for early days of Citalopram. There will be days that you will wonder why you have chosen to take it. Remember you may only need a small dose. The "therapeutic" dose varies from person to person. I am on 10mgs (started on 2.5) and this is the correct dose for me. It took me weeks to get up to 10.

Keep going:D

Thanks, Sarah !

I have read a couple of your replies to others on Citalopram and found them very encouraging so thanks for that, too :)

Oh, blimey - I change like the wind with it ! I feel quite good at the moment and so it's easy to be positive. When it's 3am and I'm wide awake and hungry and fretting its not so good.

It's certainly character building :winks:

Lisa x

super diary post. one day behind you. keep me posted :)

That 3 am feeling is horrible...I think many have been there...... remember at that time there are probably 10's of thousands around the world sat awake as well....... oh! Hang on... no there isn't because they would all be on different time zones :doh:!

Hang in there

sarah

Hi Lisa. This sounds all very familiar - sleeping was a nightmare for me in the early days and I was waking up around 3am for quite a while.

Now I struggle a bit to get to sleep!

It is character building and you will discover a lot about yourself on your journey.

The support I had on here when I was at an all-time low was amazing. When I woke up at 3am, I used to log on to NMP!

I also tried self-CBT and it really helped - there is some great reading material out there.

Keep going, look forward to your updates

Thanks for the encouragement, gang :D

Day Five so far

The rest of yesterday was really ok. I had no 'storms' at all, some low level anxiety but nothing major.

Was contacted by my ex husband as he wants to see our daughter over this Easter weekend (we live 170 miles away from him). That got me fretting a little as he is a very judgemental person and he knows nothing about what I'm going through right now. He would, naturally, be concerned about any potential effects on our daughter but her life and routine has stayed unchanged. Even when I have felt at my lowest I have still forced myself to take her out and do stuff and made sure that she hasn't been disrupted. I've also been honest with her and told her that I'm not well right now but I am going to get better. She's a lovely girl and I love her to bits :D

Anyway, back to the plot !

Can it really be that the side effects are lessening a little and that I am actually starting to feel more positive after just five days ? Because thats what seems to be happening. I'm under no illusion, however. It took months for me to reach my low point so I can't just expect it to all be turned around in less than a week. But I think I can see a glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel.

My two main bugbears now are the lack of sleep and appetite. I had a Tesco delivery this morning with some gluten free products that I thought I'd try after reading about the success some NMP'ers are having by cutting out gluten. Managed a few mouthfuls of soup and some GF crackers but that was all. Still, better than nothing.

Slow and steady :)


Just wanted to add - if you are thinking of starting on Citalopram then please do yourself a favour and read PsychoPoet's *brilliant* sticky post at the top of this page 'Citalopram Survival Guide'.

Well done... keep going... you can feel a change in a few days...I did!!! I am very sensitive to drugs......:D

Great! Day 4. Woke feeling anxious but not as bad as usual. Ate a ready meal yesterday (well, half) but pleased I have something in my tummy.

Not reached for the diazepam yet today. Not feeling quite 'with it' and my head keeps tingling.. Not horrible, just strange.

The Weetabix on the go drinks are pretty good. Like having a Weetabix with milk and added vitamins (apparently)

On the up I hope!

Hi all
Apologies for being absent. Got a few days to catch up on, here goes.

Saturday was my sixth day. I slept really badly, awake at 3 then 4 then decided to stay awake from 5am and just listened to.some music on the iPad. I starting worrying about my ex husband's visit later that day and managed to get into quite a tizz about it. I was dashing about more than I had done all week and really started to feel fatigued and quite ill. I got onto my bed and tried to.relax but my.mind was.just racing ... then it happened and I had a horrendous panic attack. As it was raging through me I just kept thinking 'it will pass, it will pass' and I could actually feel the peak and then it dropping. In the middle of this my ex turned up. My husband was home.luckily and he explained what was going on but no-one was very happy. My husband was annoyed, my daughter was scared my ex bewildered. Not a good situation.

Anyway, they went out for the day and I managed to get myself downstairs. My husband was so angry with me. He thinks that I should drink a big glass of wine when I feel anxious. It's his answer for everything and he just can't see how damaging that could be. To shut him up and just because I was so exhausted I had some. I just didn't care anymore, it was a real low point. The rest of the day I was in a bit of a daze I suppose. Not good.

Sunday Day 7 - end of the first week.

Loads of ups and downs then. Still no better. Appetite has returned a little. Feeling sick now which isn't pleasant but I can cope with it. Not wanting to take the damned tablet today but I know I have to otherwise what was the point of all this upset ? Aside from all of that a much calmer day. Managed to do an Easter egg hunt around the house for my daughter. Had a little bit of roast dinner cooked by husband. Still haven't been out.

Monday - Day 8, start of week two.

PLEASE let the side effects start easing off by this time next week. I am a patient person but this is testing me to my limit !

I changed arrangements I had made to take my daughter and her friend out. I couldn't face it, feeling sick and I'll admit, a little worried that 'something' might happen when we are out (starting to get a bit agoraphobic ?) We had her friend over here instead so she had a good day at least.

Felt ok, calmer. Got the energy from somewhere to do a tiny bit of housework and cook dinner. That's a good sign.

Found some interesting stuff online about hyperventilating / overbreathing and it's links to panic. I definitely don't breathe correctly. I know what it is, I have a tummy that sticks out with non existent muscle tone. When I take a breath it's like my stomach goes too far sometimes and I have to consciously hold it in ... does that make sense to anyone ? I'm taking in too much oxygen I realise now. This all makes sense. I've never done Pilates but it seems like good starting point to help correct this and you can also see a physio who specializes in it. Hmmm. Worth investigating ?

Today so far ...

Woke at 5am but managed to nod off again whilst listening to relaxation stuff on YouTube. Got up, feeling ok. Ate a banana straight away, took the Citalopram and actually managed to take the poor dog for a short walk ! First time out of the house in a week. I was conscious to not overbreathe and that felt a bit difficult and uncomfortable. Met my neighbour and as we walked and talked I realized how much I hold my breath when I speak or do anything really ! This has been a bit of a revelation to me. But what do I do from here ? Try and get a referral for physio from my Dr ?

Stay tuned ! (PS don't feel too bad at all today)