New to here - severe OCD health anxiety

Hi everyone, I've come across this site as I've been suffering another period of really bad anxiety and although not diagnosed, I think I may have suffered from OCD. Until a week ago I thought OCD was a 'hand washing' thing, I don't mean that in any horrible way, I just didn't know any more.

All my life I've done odd little things, counting things, having to nod my head a certain number of times, holding my breath when I pass lamp posts (you know the rest...) and although these things have never caused me any real bother or anxiety, recently I've suffered terribly.

Last year I was convinced I had HIV. I had been exposed and tested a number of years before and accepted that. 5 years later out of nowhere I began to question the result and eventually convinced myself it was wrong or I had been tested too soon so the result was a false negative. I don't know how but I managed to get tested again and after three tests my mind was finally at ease.

The past few weeks have been quite stressful for one reason or another and I began to doubt the results again. This disappeared then a week later I was at a party and can't remember the end of the night as I had quite a few drinks. I'm told I was at the party all night and went home with my partner. As I can't remember every moment I've convinced myself that I could have disappeared, had sex and now have HIV.

There is no evidence to suggest I did, I have no memory of doing such a thing and I don't think it's my character to do it. I say I don't think it's in my character because I'm even doubting my character because I'm telling myself anything is possible.

Just because I can't say 100% what I did, I seem to have filled the blank with my worst possible fear. Has anybody else suffered like this? It seems crazy as my logical mind tells me everything was mundane, chatting, drinking etc. and if anything happened I would remember. There is no memory or physical evidence at all and it's driving me crazy that it's based purely on my worst fear but the illogical part of my mind says "because you're not 100% sure then there is a chance".

A few years back when I was in my early 20's I would often not remember all of a night and think nothing of it, even waking up covered in mud and having no memory of it! It meant nothing and I shrugged it off immediately. Now I find I'm scared to touch door handles in case I catch colds and can't even go to a private party without feeling terrified every moment of the day.

I'm sorry for the long post, and thanks for taking the time to read.

Welcome to the site :)

Hi. yes is sounds like you suffer from OCD, and also sounds as though you have health anxiety. do you have any other thoughts about your health or is it purely HIV worry? do you get any physical symptoms?

Welcome:)

Hi and :welcome:

Definately OCD and when I first started struggling with it I thought the same as you. It was only through the internet and reading this forum for years before I joined that I started to understand it. Looking back I can see a few things I used to do with light switches, pen tops, etc that showed OCD but they never made me anxious either, I just brifly had spells of doing them. It was only after about 4-5 years of GAD that various forms of OCD appeared and they were crippling at first as they completely ruled my day.

Health anxiety seems to be in there as well with your HIV worries. They seem to be pretty similiar but any anxiety disorder can develop into another one. Where you have co morbid issues I have found that it can require more than one way of resolving things e.g. OCD may be underpinned by GAD as in my case so you only get so far without tackling the core underlying issue.

Have a look at the HA and OCD boards, you will find them very useful as well as speak to some excellent people on here who will try their best to help you.

Good luck!!!

Hiya, Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

I have suffered 18 years with anxiety, mainly health anxiety and panic attacks, since having my son, suffered OCD, it kind of took over, managing it a lot better but now due to have another little boy, experiencing health anxiety again, even if I have a bit of a tummy ache or my heart races I think things are serious, its so hard and like you have convinced things have happened and also went through a time where I thought somebody had brushed passed me and stuck a needle in and gave me HiV, i did so much research, kind of helped, well for a bit, so hard to suffer from this as cannot rationalize. Here if you need a chat, I could do with it too. Faye

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Originally Posted by fayeray

Hiya, Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

I have suffered 18 years with anxiety, mainly health anxiety and panic attacks, since having my son, suffered OCD, it kind of took over, managing it a lot better but now due to have another little boy, experiencing health anxiety again, even if I have a bit of a tummy ache or my heart races I think things are serious, its so hard and like you have convinced things have happened and also went through a time where I thought somebody had brushed passed me and stuck a needle in and gave me HiV, i did so much research, kind of helped, well for a bit, so hard to suffer from this as cannot rationalize. Here if you need a chat, I could do with it too. Faye

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Hi Fayeray,

I too developed health anxiety after the birth of my daughter. It has put me of having children for life as I had a really bad birth and after effects for weeks. I had my little girl 10 weeks ago and am finding it hard to convince myself im in no danger, tonight im having shooting pains in my arms when i breathe in although I have had very low if no anxiety for the past few days. :(

I have similar symptoms to you although I have called several ambulances due to pains thinking I was dieing.

I would love to chat with you as we seem to be in a similar situation, did you have a traumatic birth and now suffer with HA as a result of that?

Hiya,

Thanks for your reply.

It's so hard when you have young children and have all these fears and worries, not nice at all, gets me down.
I'm very up and down ATM, I think I'm doing ok and then will be in full blown panic about things, the birth, and losing it, not being able to cope.
I always wanted 2 children and feel like I'm wasting my life away worrying and not enjoying it, but feels like I just can't help it. I fear so much, I always feel like something is wrong with me, must nights ATM infact.
I also think you are so brave, it's not easy, Health anxiety is one of the worse, you can convince you really are ill, I know we should just treat them as thoughts and will do know harm to us, but doesn't feel like it, right?
Be lovely to have someone in a similar situation to just help and offer support. We will be ok, its just we are having a difficult time ATM, it will get easier I'm sure, even if it doesn't feel like it, just have to be positive and live in the now. Inbox me if you would like, tell me more and how it effects you.
Faye

Welcome

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I'm sure you'll benefit from being here, just as I have.