I don’t no what category this belongs in

Hi all. I am really depressed big style we’re i,m getting suicidal thoughts. And obsessing over and over the same subject. I seem to off developed a fear of my friends like incase i received banter and i would like stupid because i,m full of anxiety. This has happened once before when on a trip away with the lads yrs back i didn’t feel to good before i went. Hotel rooms were getting organise whilst on the train. I made a big deal about not sharing with this certain lad. The joke was on train that i was nearly going to be sharing with him. But later on the day my mate was at me from the word go. I was anxiety to the hilt until i snapped i fainted punched in the stomach. It stopped but i more ashamed of the way i acted. I give banter but in that day it must of been obvious i was vunrable to it. Ever since then i always think back to that. Then last wk i was invited to that occasion again. Then my ruminating of what if they put me with that lad again and i get the same treatment and then i will loose my temper. But on top of that i have debt issues i was going to go to face it even not bothered if i shared with that guy. But i couldn’t cope with with worrying fir 6 wks and made excuse saying i can’t afgord it. On our WhatsApp group up banter going forth against me against others but i could tell i was getting paranoia and touchy about it. This is why i absolutely hate me for feeling week i just can’t get in with my life without feeling pathetically boring and anxious please advice this is really getting me down. 1 is i no if i could afford it would be to go and take the banter and give it back. Thanks 🙏

I no when my mind calms down i will look back again and think it was stupid to even worry about tho. But it’s the feeling off being vunrable and how i would be in that situation that scared me like i new it was going to exactly happen because i was thinking of it.

When i feel like this i feel vunrable i would notice what people are saying, had this loads of times when i,m looking out for it. Anything’s that’s towards me (banter) like last wk on WhatsApp banter towards me my heart was racing my mind was thinking what should i right back. Should i say that or should i not. Going round and round. I was mind reading everyone that commented was feeling paranoid etc. But i no if i wasn’t in an anxiety state it wouldn’t bother me. Like it has before. Anyone please.

Homer47

Lots of us will have been where you are
Lots of use

Key thing for me for you is, please talk to someone, find a confidant , someone you trust or a service that you trust to talk to

all the best, peace
T

Thanks for your reply thing is i have spoke to people on numerous times like doctors etc. It’s like i,m trying to find the solution for every worry. I will get passed this and feel confident in my actions.