Afraid of Mammogram. Had Them Before, I’m Just Pathetic.

To start, I have had mammograms before—six, in fact. So, I am well familiar with the process. Which what makes all of this so pathetic.

My anxiety has been on high alert since the beginning of December after a contentious family issue. My anxiety, I thought, had settled (I restarted anxiety meds a few weeks ago). But by the day after Christmas, my anxiety decided my mammogram would be its new target. A mammogram that I had, by the way, scheduled months ago and didn’t think of since. Now, for the past nine days, it’s all I think of. And, am convinced this is the year that they’ll find cancer. So, I did the worst possible thing and went on the Reddit breast cancer sub and started reading. Reading about cancer centers near me, and reading stories about the difficulties of various treatments, whether to get a single or double mastectomy, on and on and on. And, trust me, TikTok wasn’t doing me any favors either.

And, even though the Tyrer-Cuzick risk calculator gave me an 8.08% lifetime probability a year ago, my brain is still telling me “no, no, girl, this is your year. This is it.” I try so hard to beat it back but I have an angel and devil on each shoulder, with the devil whispering about cancer and death and inevitability. I absolutely can’t shake it.

I poured my heart out to a friend this week and she spent hours talking me down, bless her heart. And, she offered to go with me tomorrow to the mammogram. But as much as I can beat the fear back by bedtime, it rears its head come morning. I haven’t eaten much in a week and called out of work today because I was afraid I would faint on my walk there (which I almost did a few days ago).

I’ve read all the posts here on mammograms and breast cancer and I have had mammograms before (with one just last year). I know the benefits, I know the upside of early diagnosis, and have seen family die from undiagnosed cancers. But I absolutely can’t shake the fear that this year is IT. Of course, I am going to the mammogram but the fear that cancer is on the other side of tomorrow scares me to, well, death.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I feel so pathetic and terrified and weak. I literally woke up this morning with “you’re such a pathetic piece of s***” running around in my head. And, it is true, I am pathetic.

You’re most definitely not pathetic, you have to be made of strong stuff to live with health anxiety and get through each day. I know exactly what you mean about the conflicting voices, it’s a constant battle for me too. I find that the voice telling me something bad is going to happen usually wins. I hope the mammogram goes well and you get the results quickly.

I had one in December and even though I knew it was just routine, I still got nervous. I really had to focus on reassuring myself and doing lots of relaxation/distraction techniques. Fortunately I got the all clear within a week which was an incredible relief.

Avoid searching the Internet and do all the things that normally help you relax. Also, I don't know about you but when I've started meds or changed dosage for the first few weeks my anxiety increases. This could have coincided with the lead up to the appointment and made you feel worse?