Woo Hoo - Emetophobia - baby step forward

I have a really huge vomiting phobia since I was a child and I have now decided that enough is enough - I need to find a better way to cope. I have been to the doctors this morning and she is going to refer me for Cognitive Therapy Behaviour.

I have two little boys, a two and a half year old and a five and a half month year old and having them is the biggest blessing of my life, but the hardest at times. When I was pregnant I felt sick all the time, although I never actually vomited and I would sit in the bath at night and cry and wish that the scared feelings would just go away and that I would pull myself out of it. I honestly looking back have no idea how I got through. I was also so scared of taking meds during the labours that I had two natural births, I couldn't even try gas and air. I had my second at home as I hate hospitals - full of sickness and germs.

Can I just get off the subject for one second and confess something that I've never said out loud, I've not even told my husband and I tell him everything. Between having my two boys, I was pregnant and feeling very sick and sorry for myself, I started having stomach cramps and was convinced that I was going to be sick and started with a panic attack. Shortly after I started to bleed badly so my husband drove me to the hospital and on the way there in the car, I felt so sick and I thought, I hope that I am having a miscarrage, I can't cope with the nausea anymore. How awful is that? For a mother to think that makes my blood go cold and I will never forgive myself for thinking it. I did lose the baby, it was a miscarrage but I will always blame myself for wanting the morning sickness to stop.

Anywhoo, back to why I'm excited. My son, my husband and I had a sickness bug a month ago and my phobia has been so bad since then. I have lost over a stone and a half since the bug as I have not been eating or drinking. My hair is falling out, I have a constant headaches , dizzyness and tiredness and when I try to eat, I get such bad stomach cramps that I cannot eat.

I have just decided that enough is enough and today is the start of turning things around and I have just ate two slices of bread and butter. I had the cramps and it took a while, but I did it so I have treat myself to a flake from the shop and I may try to eat that later. This is so huge for me as I have been having the odd bowl of dry cereal every couple of days and living off of sugar free polos and peppermint tea.

I know its only a small step but every step is a step towards living a "normal" life and not being ruled by my anxieties.

I commend you on taking that first step !.. Keep that positive energy with with you.. you can do this.. you will do this.. it may be difficult, it wont happen over night.and there may be times you may loose faith in yourself but try to believe in yourself.

As for your confession, I believe in 'what will be will be', regardless of what we want or don't want. I don't believe you wishing or hoping for the miscarrage brought it on.. You were suffering, and having a really bad time which affected you mentally and physically and having that thought just prooved how desperate and low you were feeling at the time. That is my op on the matter.. others may feel differently, but at the end of the day you are the one that has to make peace with yourself for having those thoughts.

Huggles XX