Originally Posted by
Carnation
Sue, I admire the way you deal with stuff and you turn into a power machine when problems arise. :D That's your survival mode kicking in. You have great determination, masses of curiosity and a lust for life. Thanks, and I think a lot of that causes me to be my own worst enemy.
But you are still tending to look in to the future too much.
Make plans by all means, but plans can get changed. Try to be a bit more spontaneous, because I think your work has left you with still organising everything including the future.
You can still organise house stuff, but personal stuff needs to be more off the cuff, otherwise your life will just be one long line of events being ticked off like a schedule. Wow..... very powerful words - this statement turned on a light bulb and hit me like a ton of bricks! Yes - I do look at my life as a list of events to be checked off before I can relax and be happy! Apparently my idea of happiness and relaxation is never having to keep a commitment or be somewhere with other people. I have a terrible fear of letting them down by not being what they want or having to cancel due to illness or anxiety. I feel like if I could have no future plans that involve other people I could truly be happy. That sounds like I want to be a hermit who lives in a cave which I'm sure is not healthy, but yes, the number one anxiety-provoker is worrying about what others will think. Will I act appropriately while there? Will I get ill or too anxious to attend and have to mess up their plans by cancelling? You've really struck on something that I need to focus on and work on because I think it's key to my recovery! And I'll bet I would eagerly make more plans with others if I weren't so worried about possibly cancelling and letting them down!
Remember that trip you and Mr D took to the coast and had an ice cream leaning on the car? More of that! :winks: Yup. That was an off-the-cuff idea, and I can clearly see that if I had suggested this outing to my husband even one day earlier, I would have been subconsciously stressing about it from the moment I mentioned it, now looking at it as a commitment, something I was locked into, and now it becomes a chore and "an event that needs to be ticked off".
For example, my daughter-in-law mentioned to me a few days ago that we should get together for a bit today (social and business). It has been nagging at me in the back of my mind since she mentioned it and I have been dreading it getting closer and so much looking forward to it being done and over with. That way, the only future plan I have to worry about is the trip across country.
So if you have advice as to how to work on this problem, I'm all ears, but realizing that it is a big part of my anxiety is a great first step to dealing with it. So thank you, as usual, for clearly seeing something I was blind to.
I had a blissfully cool day. :)
What a difference. I felt better, got some chores done, actually managed to wear clothes without sweating. I could go outside, breathe more comfortably, not wear a hat that actually makes you feel hotter and cook in the kitchen without breaking out in to a sweat. :)
I've also slept better the last couple of nights. Thank goodness - that is great news!!!! And now, in the future when you are feeling defeated by the heat, you will be able to look back and realize that it's normal, it will pass, and that you should not push yourself but instead accept it, give in to it, and be kind to yourself.
I've been thinking about my late mum again, probably because I have been reading a book she gave me as a gift one year.
I'm realising that I'm still grieving two years on, but more memories are coming back of times when we laughed, did things together and moments when she did those little things that made you feel special.
It wasn't all roses with my mum, far from it, but for some reason, the darker moments are fading and the rarer better times are becoming more apparent.
I had a few a sessions of therapy concerning my mum and my therapist came to the conclusion that my mum found it difficult to love and even love herself.
She put it this way....
"Your mum did her best with her circumstances".
That is so similar to the things I've been dealing with regarding my late Mom. I have spent so many decades being really, really angry at her for the the type of mother she was, and one of my therapists gave similar words: "she did the best she could with the tools she had, and she could only be as good a mother to you as the experience she had from her mother." Part of me calls bullsh/t, she could have done better, she could have cared more, where were her maternal instincts, etc. but I'm starting to soften over the years and I, too, am recalling some of the times she WAS loving and nurturing, and the other times are fading a little. I once locked myself in the bedroom, lit a candle, and pretended the candle was her, pouring out my heart and yelling and screaming at her for the pain she caused me, and I really did feel better getting it off my chest. Maybe "talk" to your Mom sometime? Express your feelings?
Well you could say that about anxiety.
I will never know the true demons that haunted my mum. She kept everything inside and was angry most of the time. She didn't seem happy in her life and her last words to me, "I just want you to be happy" stay with me always. My mom had a horrible, horrific childhood so I should try to be more compassionate about that. And she did seem to grow very loving and warm towards the end. Wish it had happened earlier, but it is what it is.
I always have a little cry when I think of those words as I find myself fighting each day with anxiety.
Mum knew in the end how bad I had got and it pained her to see me that way.
And lately I see everything as a challenge rather than just being.With me, anything that involves other people is challenging to me. If I could spend the rest of my days with just my husband and my pets, I think a lot of my anxiety would be gone. But that's probably not a good way to live?
Although I get great joy from the garden and just sitting somewhere and being and a rare trip to the sea.
But it's day to day life and all the unpleasant trimmings of worry and health and how will I cope that haunt me.
I become so tired and listless and that isn't the person I used to be.
I feel I need more knowledge, more tools for coping, more inspiration.
So I've ordered yet another book to digest and hopefully give me that light bulb moment.
If it doesn't, then I'll try something else and keep trying, because I really don't want to spend my life being fearful of going to a shop, town, a visitor or even going out at all. There ya go! We are warriors! We will continue to seek the tools and skills for the happiest life possible, and we will NOT give in to this anxiety that has been dealt to us! A new book is a great idea, and sharing on here is also very helpful, or at least it is to me. Won't it be a shame if it takes us many more years to find the peace we're seeking? Let's vow to make it happen much sooner than that so that we have more years to enjoy our new found freedom!
I just got a call from my son and he invited us over for dinner tonight, so thank God I've got things to keep me busy until then to distract me from the anxiety. I am going to throw on some clothes, get to the grocery store, and buy ingredients for something to make to bring with me. If I stay busy until it's time to go I won't be able to make myself ill over it. :emot-rolleyes:
I don't want to give in! And we won't give in!