Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
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Originally Posted by
niknakx
I don’t think there will be a next big issue because this will be the one that kills me off.
I've been here numerous times...
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I was researching to try and make myself feel better.
This is not a good idea with HA.
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Now I’m even more convinced this is the end.
And this is why.
I've had HA since I was five years old. I didn't understand it then, obviously, but those misunderstood anxiety symptoms convinced me that I was dying or I had some hideous disease. Growing pains? Cancer. You get my drift?
42 years later, I finally said 'Enough!'.
I made the decision that I wasn't prepared to live in fear of dying/disease anymore. I'd already got my head around death thanks to my experiences of the 'paranormal' kind, but dying (itself) and leaving my vulnerable son proved to be tricky until I accepted that too.
Four years later my HA is still under control, and I've been tested, believe you me. I've put the effort in, and the time. I've tried anything and everything to help myself and that's what you must do if you want to overcome your health anxiety.
You are going to die one day, and acceptance of this is key to beating this disorder because the root cause is fear of death or dying - which happens to be as natural as birth is.
I really don't think this is the end for you, but that day will eventually come for you as it will for every living thing on this planet. Wouldn't you like to have been able to live some life without fear when that time comes?
Researching will only help you if you can focus only on the real issue, which is anxiety. The problem is that HAers brains home in on cancers and other diseases - totally bypassing the most likely causes of their symptoms, especially anxiety. People don't accept that anxiety can make them feel this ill, but it can, and it does.
People with HA have real medical issues but the HA mind takes them from minor to terminal, and that's what you're doing here. You are hyper focused on your body and so you will notice things now that you haven't noticed before, but which were most likely there. Having an operation, any operation, changes that part of the body to some degree. If not outwardly, inwardly. This is why scar tissue often comes back to bite us on the @ass years later, right? I can see where the docs did my laparoscopy - a simple cut to the belly button area, so how do you imagine an operation like yours will affect the skin? As we age, our skin shrinks and these things can become more visible. But I can assure you 100% that the reality is not as bad as your mind is currently having you believe...
But I believe in reframing thoughts, so, it's possible (albeit very unlikely) that the neurologist could say there's a problem. How will you cope with that? More importantly, how do you want to cope with that? Only, during my CBT therapy, the lovely man asked me if I'd ever actually come close to death. I thought about it and said yes, I had an emergency C section to get my baby out because I was bleeding internally (not that they knew until they opened me up) I wasn't in labour, and we both could have died. Scary, right?
No. I wasn't remotely scared - and that was before they gave me morphine!
Things like that are a mother-to be's nightmare but I was calm and I handled it. I think this is because it was real and the brain tends to handle what's real much better than what's imagined?
So I know that I have the ability to cope in a situation like that, and most people do, even if their initial response is to fall apart. At some point, they pick themselves up and own the experience instead of fearing it.
We all have a choice in how to respond to everything that happens to us, and I find that to be very empowering..
You can change all this right now with the single most important decision that you will beat your health anxiety. Not 'try. No 'buts'. You will do it. because you're no longer going to give your mind free reign. But this will only happen if you want to get better..
Do you?
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
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Originally Posted by
niknakx
I just saw a neurologist. She did some basic strength tests on me, did my reflexes and examined my foot. She couldn’t find anything wrong at all. I got her to feel my fasciculations and she said it was my pulse, which it isn’t. I’m anxious but I’m not stupid.
She then told me a bunch of stuff about how the disease starts at the top of the legs or arms, which I know isn’t true. So as soon as she said that I started doubting things she was saying. She said if it was the disease I would have a foot drop which isn’t necessarily true.
You wanted a professional opinion but what was the point if you had superior knowledge?
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
niknakx
I just saw a neurologist. She did some basic strength tests on me, did my reflexes and examined my foot. She couldn’t find anything wrong at all.
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The rest? You're discounting TWO medical professionals via Dr. Google and that speaks volumes. I'm truly sorry you're in this rabbit hole. Hope you feel better soon. And please, for the respect of those truly suffering from ALS, stay off their forum :lac:
FMP
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
I also saw the phycologist today and got given some anti anxiety medication. I didn’t want to go back to medication but I think I really need to now.
Ever since I noticed this twitch on the top of my foot my legs and feet cannot stop twitching and my ankle and legs keep getting shooting pains in them. It has to be anxiety right? Not the initial twitch. That is still there. But these new ones are anxiety right? My mind is making my legs and feet feel so weak right now it is unreal. Literally didn’t notice anything my legs and feet until I randomly found the freakin twitch the other day and got scared.
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
niknakx
I just saw a neurologist. She did some basic strength tests on me, did my reflexes and examined my foot. She couldn’t find anything wrong at all. I got her to feel my fasciculations and she said it was my pulse, which it isn’t. I’m anxious but I’m not stupid.
She then told me a bunch of stuff about how the disease starts at the top of the legs or arms, which I know isn’t true. So as soon as she said that I started doubting things she was saying. She said if it was the disease I would have a foot drop which isn’t necessarily true.
You need to keep reminding yourself of what the neurologist said to counter your own HA-guided diagnosis and belief that you know better than a professional who sadly sees many patients with true neurological disease. Do you really think a neurologist would fail to spot potential symptoms which needed further tests? What makes you think that you know better? Good old Dr Health Anxiety.
Take the meds to help with your anxiety in general? They may not help the physical symptoms immediately but will put you in a better place to rationalise what is actually happening. Get your anxiety down to a point where you can consider an alternative approach to believing that you know best.
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
Can I ask how you know so much more than a medical professional about this? Have you studied neurology or is it all just Dr Google advice?
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
Nora, your post further up this page, I couldn't agree more with each and every word. I have followed the same path myself to acceptance of mortality and have a similar background to you in how that came about. I honestly think your post should be put on many threads here, it is the most helpful thing I've read on here for a long time. :)
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
niknakx
I also saw the phycologist today and got given some anti anxiety medication. I didn’t want to go back to medication but I think I really need to now.
Ever since I noticed this twitch on the top of my foot my legs and feet cannot stop twitching and my ankle and legs keep getting shooting pains in them. It has to be anxiety right? Not the initial twitch. That is still there. But these new ones are anxiety right? My mind is making my legs and feet feel so weak right now it is unreal. Literally didn’t notice anything my legs and feet until I randomly found the freakin twitch the other day and got scared.
I see real insight here! You are onto yourself, I think! Which is the first step….
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
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Originally Posted by
Carys
Nora, your post further up this page, I couldn't agree more with each and every word. I have followed the same path myself to acceptance of mortality and have a similar background to you in how that came about. I honestly think your post should be put on many threads here, it is the most helpful thing I've read on here for a long time. :)
Thanks Carys. Having been so ill with HA (and mental breakdown is as low as this disorder goes and still be alive) I want to help as many people on here as I can. I know I will only reach a minority, but even if I make a difference to one person, then my time and effort won't be in vain.
Feedback like yours means a lot to me. Thank you. :bighug1:
Re: I am beyond terrified. I think it’s real this time.
I’m having such a bad day. I spent the day going out for a walk to try and make myself feel better, but instead I just saw a bunch of families and cried over how I don’t think I will love long enough to have that.
Last night I realised my index finger on my right hand is incredibly stiff and has a hard time gripping. I actually noticed it the other day and forgot about to, but then I realised last night that it gets stuck and is really stiff. I tried to move it around earlier and once I rested it the whole finger went into spasm and freaked out. It triggered me so much.
Since then I’ve been in a daze, walking around imaging how I’m going to get worse. Seeing elderly people and getting jealous because I feel like I won’t live that long. I had a breakdown at 1am in the morning and walked up to the roof of my apartment block. I am so scared at the moment. I feel lost in my own head.