Re: Posting success as part of recovery
I've been trying hard every day to get to grips with an essay for college. It's been really hard going as I'm not used to writing on this level. I've been feeling myself get more and more tired and I've felt pressured in a few different areas.
I have had a few successes during the last few days:
In the afternoon I let myself lay on the sofa, after which I feel I have some energy again.
I've been getting a few depressing thoughts which I have acnowledged and quickly moved on from, often thinking myself round to a different perspective. When I successfully do this I actually pat myself on the back! After all, thoughts are just thoughts, they don't mean anything, it's just memory from when I felt exhausted with anxiety. The quicker I disregard those random thoughts the less time it takes from my life. I might get a random thought but I can choose what I think after it. Also I felt quite down for a little time the other day, and instead of worrying about why and trying to get out of it, I let myself feel it, I wasn't afraid, and after a moan about all the things that were bothering me - not including how I was feeling, we were watching an engaging film and I felt back to normal.
Probably the best and most beneficial success has been to ask for help from learning support. My muddled thoughts are now clarrified and I have had confirmation that I'm doing okay, enabling me to feel confident and enthused again.
Usually I would have felt the stress and tiredness and worried about 'getting like I was'. But I've manged to keep believing that I am suffering the same stress that eveyone else has, and when I'm walking around in a daze, have a terrible memory, and can't think strait, I can believe there's nothing seriously wrong with me! Brain fag as Claire Weekes would call it. And now, I label it that too, and it enables me to not go down the road that leads to worry and anxiety.
Keeping myself cheered up, I watch fun stuff on tv, and cuddle the children and husband as much as possible! Just concentrating on them and spending time to have a proper conversation restores me.
There's been a couple of times that I've been assertive, with myself especially, in not doing things I don't really want to do. For instance going to the cinema to watch to another animation with hubby and the kids was something I felt obligated to join in with, but I didn't really want to go, I get a bit bored, so I stayed home to rest instead, without feeling guilty! When they came home we did something fun together.
I think that's all my successes lately, I seem to repeatedly write the same successes, but these are the things I'm working on most and need to achnowledge here as a reward, and to remind myself how I stay well! Speaking of rewards, a few chocolates help with the studying! I give myself a treat after every goal achieved. This may be a bad idea in the long run, but it won't be for long!!
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Big success this morning as I've finnished all my written work for college!
It has been a really stressful time for me and I've learned a lot about myself; mainly that I can't stand it when I don't know what I'm doing properly - it's like pulling teeth to get work done if I feel like that! It gets me really down. I had to practice getting on with it without knowing how it will turn out, and telling myself 'it isn't perfect, but it's good enough'. Being 'good enough' is something I've been working on for agas and I find it hard to not have to go for the highest grade in college even though it puts me through a great deal of stress and I become obsessed, especially as I've never been great at written work. Consequently I have been really bad lately at balacing my life and keeping happy, doing far more research than I need to and spending evenings and weekends doing it. So the main success happened yesterday when I realised I just had to get on with it and whatever I end up with will just have to be good enough because my mental health is far more important and I want my life back! Putting things back into perspective - I don't need an excellent grade - I just need to pass - I'm not perfect - I am good enough. My value does not depend on how successful I am academically, or what others think of me.
Speaking of what others think; I had a successfull night the other night at a get together at a friends house; I'm usually self concious, uncomfortable and quiet, which makes it a boring night for me. Actually sometimes I cancel because I don't want to cope with it all. So the first success was going! And I told myself I'm just as good as anybody else and if they don't like me when I'm being myself then that's fine. So I was more talkative, relaxed and enjoyed myself. I think they still like me!!!
I just want to add that even though this was a difficult time, I didn't have a relapse, I kept my eye on the end, knowing I will feel lots better when it's over and that helped me throught it. This is a success as I would have normally overreacted and expected to spiral into anxiety and worry. I did think about it, but kept things on perspective.
One more thing I need to remember - It's okay to feel stressed and it's okay to feel down, these are normal and temporary states to be in under the circumstances, I did well not to worry about them!
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
After finishing my coursework I took a few days to wind down and I've learned alot from the experience.
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Success today = waking up with lots of thoughts going through my mind and then accepting it all and it all going away (after a chat with hubby too!)
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
It was my birthday yesterday, I simply told myslelf I wasn't going to worry about anything, so when I stared to I reminded myself and stopped. I had a great day!! If I can do it that day , I can do it everyday.
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
I really enjoy reading this thread! happy birthday for the other day and congratulations and keep it up! And keep us posted :)
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Thanks Londonchris
Sorry about late reply, only I've haven't been on for ages, mostly because I was getting ready for and went to France! And after coming back I've been busy.
If you've been reading then you'll know I was having trouble getting the courage to go, mostly because of anxiety. But after the presure of the course wore off I felt more in the mood to take on the holiday. The main thing was being stuck on the ferry if I was feeling sick, so I got some sea bands and ginger tea and didn't really feel sick at all. As the fast ferry isn't usually completely still, it still wasn't a great experience but as I didn't feel ill I was over the moon! The rest of the holiday went really well, I had no anxiety! The journey back was even rougher and so I'll not go on that boat again, maybe the Eurostar next time.
I had such a great time as the whole family was there, and I re-discovered how happy that makes me. I did lots of walking while there and that reminded me that I feel so much better generally when I'm more active. So as a result I will arrange more get-togethers and hubby and I will be getting some bikes next week, as that's something we both enjoyed when younger and just need to get back in the habit. If I can cycle to college that will great.
There's more to say but littleone is waiting for the laptop!
Cathy
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
My lack of posting here is an obvious sign that life is going along nicely. So anyone who stumbles upon this can see that there is without doubt hope that life can be good again. That a person can have anxiety or depression and come through it and feel like them again. Even if they feel they have suffered so long that they can't remember what 'normal' feels like anymore as I did. I've had no anxiety since - I can't remember! I have pinpointed (I've probably written this lots already) that what preeceedes anxiety is stress and before that worry and old thinking habits. So I have had the time and space, being on citalopram, to notice worry or stress and guide my thoughts into a more helpfull direction, or just take it easy. I am still telling myself "I'm 40 now, probably half way through life (if all goes well!) and I need not waste any more time with worry or unhelpful thoughts, I can be happy now". If I had tried this months ago it wouldn't have worked as my thoughts and physical reactions worked too quickly to allow me to intervene. That's how the medication as helped me.
Something I want to stress that even though I mention that I am dealing with thoughts or worries, what I mean is that I have the same worries and thoughts as anyone, and what used to happen is they would spiral into something unhelpful or unrealistic. Now they stop where they are supposed to, and only rarely, I notice it's gone a step further and for me to pull it back. There is no effort involved appart from noticing when it's hapening. I'm merely nipping in the bud the thought patterns that I am now changing for good. They might need nipping in the bud again when life throws me a challenge or I'm overtired etc, but this is what I believe all people do (i.e. ones who haven't had anxiety or depression.)
So, all is well and I think about when and if I'll come off the tablets again. I have been dealing with the above for so many years that I want to make sure that I have really re-routed my thoughts properly and created a better lifestyle for myself before I start coming off. That was the mistake I made the last time I came off them.
People have written about all the things that they think have helped them be well. I believe that every person has to find their own way, what triggers them off, what makes them worse or better. For me, after trying lots of things out from diet to cbt, I have learned that what has had the most positive effect on my happiness and wellbeing is learning to observe myself and then be kind to myself. Notice how I feel (good or bad) and accept it. This sounds wishwashy but these simple things have changed my life for the better. I stopped doing things simply to prevent myself getting ill again (for example I'd get stressed if I didn't go jogging, by the way I am active now without doing any formal excercise, I find this works for me). And just be easy on myself. I found I was more relaxed about life and had more enthusiasm if I basically did what I wanted more instead of being afraid of getting ill or what others think, or whatever. But that's me - as I said everyone has to explore a little to realise what their fears are, how to face them, what negative beliefs have been put into heads from experiences or people from the past, which need to be put to rest and replaced with more realistic ones.
The whole reason I started this post was so that anyone else who cares to read it can see my progress to being well again. FOR GOOD. And so to give hope when things seem very difficult, bleak and neverending. Of course there is unhappiness and stress in everyones life, it's so important to remember this, because experiencing it and panicking that missery is coming back again is what will make it do so. These experiences tell us something about what is going on right now, and by having the courage to accept it all, being realistic about why it is there and being physically and mentally kind to yourself until it goes again (AND IT ALWAYS WILL GO AGAIN), well, that the secret to my success anyway.
I am well. My life is normal, I am happy and enjoying life. Being 40 has been liberating which I didn't expect and I have finally made a long overdue decision to stop making myself suffer and do things and think things that make life to be as good as it can be.
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
The other thing I forgot to say that I need to remember, and is extreemly important, is not to underestimate rest and sleep!
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
I didn't think I would have much more in the way of success to write considering I'm feeling very well but this morning I have. Having the tablets to help protect me from physical anxiety and anxious or negative thoughts means that I don't often get to deal with them to enable me to feel confident enough to come off the tablets (although I know it's fine to stay on them indefinately if I decide that's what's best). Yes, it's all easier to deal with, but as with every person some mornings I wake up and am thinking a little more negatively (usually at pmt time). It doesn't last once I'm up and doing things, but because of all the past misery I naturally worry about having the thoughs at all and that gives them life. I did think about meditating or jogging but they would have been distraction in desperation, trying to get away from the things I didn't want to think about. Good to be distracted, bad to run away. I am just dealing with thoughts and so I need to fight fire with fire so to speak!
People without anxiety have and accept unwanted thoughts and carry on as normal. It has became a bit of a habit for me to wake up and almost look for the thoughts I don't want to have, find them and then worry about them. They don't bother me much, cause any anxiety or depression, they are just annnoying and perhaps without the meds would escalate into something more. This morning I lay in bed with the thoughts and realising it was a habit I don't have to live with, tried a method I've written here before but forgot about. Acceptance for me is a great skill I practice to stay well, and also remembering everyone has thoughts they'd rather not have from time to time. What I don't do so much of is try to swop the thoughts for other, better ones. I used to think that by doing this I would be trying to push the negative thoughts away and that wouldn't work, but actually it's an extension of accepting and moving on. It's not 'don't think of the pink elephant', it's 'I've thought of the pink elephant and now I will think of some other colours and a couple of other animals...'!
This morning I remembered a method I used a while ago; Think of all the nice things that happened yesterday. Very pleasant, I felt immediately better. Then I noticed something; the pleasant thoughts were quick and contained - they didn't move on to other thoughts or feelings. Whereas the more negative ones jumped from one to another, as I tried to figure out why they were there and what to do about them. One of the pleasant thoughts did develop, it was about getting my sons school uniform, and that led to thoughts about sizing and other bits to get ect. My brain was chewing it all over, in the same way that I chewed over the negative thoughts, but of course there is no conclusion to be had from these in the same way as thinking over a task or challenge. I used to treat negative thoughts as a threat and try to work them through to a conclusion, which ended up in more knots and misery. Right now even though I know it is futile to work out why, I still see the thoughts as a threat instead of banal, causing enough worry for it to continue over many mornings instead of the seconds it took to have it. This made me realise that although negative thoughts are just thoughts, the same as the pleasant ones, I was treating them in a different way. This is obvious I suppose but it was a bit of a light bulb moment for me at the time. It became clear to me that;
1. I can choose what I think about, and even though it's wrong to push thoughts away, it doesn't mean I have to put up with them just being there. Accept them AND think of something else.
2. My brain seems to enjoy working through challenges and does so automatically. Negative thoughts are not challenges, or threats. I can be selective about which thoughts I develop further.
I've noticed other unwanted thoughts that I don't mind having so much and have noticed that there are no feelings or subsequent thoughts attached to them. I know they don't mean anything and they don't go anywhere. There might be therapy to be had to get to the bottom of why I find certain thoughts more disturbing, but having had quite a lot of that already, I think it's more useful not to delve further into it, but to start to walk away from it. I suppose a small reminder to myself in the form or a phrase to say inwardly when I notice it happening. Like, oh I don't know; ' This thought is just a thought the same as any other, I can leave it where it is, it doesn't mean anything.' I know I've written similar things before but as time goes on, I revisit strategies as and when they come up and then they get stronger and more accesible and helpful.
My husband just read this and said 'that's just acceptance isn't it', but it's more than that because it's harder to accept something that automatically connects itself to a seemingly deep-seated or subconcious link to fear or sadness. Whether we know why or not can be helpful but not essential as Claire Weekes would say!
I've been writing about thoughts but to remind myself about about feelings of fear or sadness - I haven't had this to deal with lately but for future reference - accept and do. I read somewhere once;
If you have anxiety - face your fears.
If you are depressed - be more active.
Sounds simple enough even though it isn't! But it helps me to distinguish which I'm dealing with and how best to deal with it.
Think that's all!
oops forgot one very important one;
3. Don't worry about the thought after it's gone!