I'm 16, Pure O or Am I really a pedophile?

Hi, I'm 16 year old Male.

For about a month or two now I have been having sick thoughts about girls younger than me, sometimes as young as babys. I think horrible things, that make me disgusted at my self and the very fact that my brain in capable of such thought.

I read some things online about not attaching anxiety to such thoughts which I know is the way to get rid of them. Sometimes on a good day I manage to do this and blow the bad thoughts away. But on a bad day they consume everything I do and even having a little kid walk past triggers off a whole world a worry and bad feelings and imagery. On bad days I worry that if I don't worry about the bad thoughts that then that makes me a Pedophile. I acctually worry weather I'm worrying enough.

Sometimes I think I try to test myself, looking at a kid asking myself if I'm attracted sexually to the kid. I feel certian that I'm not but there is always that "if" constantly asking whether I am.

Please help, I am still attracted to girls my age and I have a do get with girls at partys that are my age, I just want to be normal and worry about things that other normal teenagers worry about.

I am generally socially quite an anxious person all though i have friends and get on with pretty much everyone I find my self thinking over and over some off hand comment that someone has said about me and probably didn't think twice about, but I really over think it. Or if someone doesn't text me back for ages I'm convinced that there annoyed at me or something.

The fact that you find these thoughts uncomfortable suggests pure O.

If you were attracted to children you would not need to test yourself, you would know, the same way people just know if they are attracted to men or women.
That's the hallmark sign of pure O is testing one self, and being afraid that the thoughts are true.

It's a bit like how you can stand on the edge of a cliff and you get that strange urge to jump! It's actually rather common.

So no you're not a pedo, you just have an anxiety disorder.
Are you getting any therapy?

This sounds like the sexual side of intrusive thoughts. Fighting them makes it worse. If you practice mindfullness is works. Also saying a mantra in your head works too. By saying something like "i'm just being silly, these thoughts mean nothing, they'll go away soon" it convinces your mind that it's just a thought. Not all thoughts mean something. I get them too but mine are violent. The other day i was obsessing over thinking about killing my dog....I love my dog to bits and I know i would never hurt him! They're sucky thoughts but they go away in time xx

Thank you so much, I can't describe the relief i felt when I saw that someone had replied :)

Anxious_girl, I am not having therapy, is it something that you'd recommend or have experienced yourself?

Littlehelper123, thanks for the comment. The mantra thing is a good idea, and most of the time I think I can put of the thoughts by saying something like "just sily stupid thoughts". Its when I feeling really low there seems to be no way out of the horrible thoughts. Also what do you mean by mindfulness?

I have had OCD for 6 years now and there are plenty of tips out there, however any good psychologist will tell you to understand, review and encourage. That is the only way you will get rid of the thoughts. I have a very good understanding of pure O and intrusive sexual thoughts, I even spent many sessions discussing it with my psychologist.

DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST AND/OR PSYCHOLOGIST
The only way to move past the thoughts is to basically accept them. What you are currently doing is telling yourself you are not a horrible person but then there is a little bit of doubt in your mind. The OCD is based on doubt and fear. It will calm you down for a bit but the thoughts will continue. When they pop into your head tell yourself you like them, by doing that you are not giving the fear any power and the thoughts will pop in to your head less and less. Obviously this is very very hard to do which is why you must do it correctly with a psychologist but I thought you might want to know the kind of approach they might take. It's called CBT and is a method to help you to understand and "expose" yourself to the thoughts, by taking away the fear of them you are taking away the power of the OCD (PS: Stay WELL AWAY from anything other than your local CMHT for therapy, the rest are crap).

edit: I would like to add that I have managed to beat that type of OCD, unfortunately I still have other themes which are harder to shift.

As I am 16, is it possible for me to get therapy without my parents knowing? Also is this kind of thing covered by the NHS or is it done privately?
Thanks.

It can be covered by the NHS, so I would ask your doctor, or check out the NHS website they should have a list of mental health services they provide.

I think You have to say it to your parents because it's their right to know everything that is happening to you since you're still underage and for you to have moral support from them too. They will give you advice and strength to face your situation.:)

I've got pure O and I've been thru the exact same thing. Its awful and that's the most polite thing I can say about it.

It drove me to finally get treatment (I was in my 30s when this happened) and the therapist suggested whenever I had any kind of intrusive thought to imagine a stop sign and scream (in my mind) STOP.

It worked.

But, they told me, pure O is the most difficult to type of OCD to treat and I'd need medication (Prozac) to allow me to interrupt the thoughts enough so I could use coping strategies like the one I described.

I declined and in a year I was obsessing even worse about something else. At that point I would have done anything for relief. I started taking Prozac and having regular sessions with a psychiatrist to monitor how I was doing and it made so big a difference that I wish I done it 10 years earlier.

FWIW, I don't think you are a pedophile. Pedophiles don't worry about engaging in that kind of behavior, they just go and do it. That's NOT what you're doing.

This is all very reassuring, thank you very much.

Not sure I could ever admit to my parents something like this.

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Originally Posted by Aboy

As I am 16, is it possible for me to get therapy without my parents knowing? Also is this kind of thing covered by the NHS or is it done privately?
Thanks.

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As your are 16 you have the right to obtain therapy, your parents will need to know but they have absolutely no right to know what you talk about, your diagnosis or read your notes. It's totally up to you whether you tell them any details or not.

Due to the sensitive nature you also don't have to tell your GP the details or specifics, all you need to tell them is that you have intrusive thoughts revolving around causing harm and that you would like help. You don't even have to tell them that, it's up to you what you tell your GP but you will have to tell him/her something in order to get a referral.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Aboy

This is all very reassuring, thank you very much.

Not sure I could ever admit to my parents something like this.

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I'm a father. My son could come to me with any problem and I'd work myself to death trying to help him.

Your parents are very likely the same.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tiredOfOcd

I'm a father. My son could come to me with any problem and I'd work myself to death trying to help him.

Your parents are very likely the same.

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Unfortunately most fathers are not the same and have no understanding of mental health problems. Your son is one lucky guy.

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Originally Posted by uk23

Unfortunately most fathers are not the same and have no understanding of mental health problems.

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True. If Aboy has some concrete reason for not telling his parents (like they firmly believe all that's necessary to cure him is a good beating) then that's one thing.

However if Aboy is hesitant to tell them out of embarrassment then he needs to let them know. Maybe not all the details, but that he's been depressed and wants to talk to someone.

I can relate to you completely. I am a 15 year old girl, but I do this exact thing all the time. It disgusts me, and I just... ugh. I have times where I don't have any problems with these thoughts, and they happen and I just ignore them and realize they are just disturbing thoughts, everyone has them, and I don't need to dwell on them because I know I am not attracted to whoever the thought was about. But then I have the moments where I get all anxious, and I begin to worry that I am thinking these disturbing thoughts because I am attracted to young kids or whatever.

I have found that what helps me the most, is whenever I get a thought like that, telling myself not to over think it. I tell myself it's just a thought, and then I think about what I find attractive in men. It helps me realize that I don't think those disturbing thoughts because I enjoy them, they are just those thoughts that pass and I dwell on them.... if that makes any sense. Mainly, I realize that I am attracted to older guys, so my thoughts are just intrusive, OCD thoughts.

I really don't think you are a pedophile, because a pedophile wouldn't be disgusted by those thoughts. The fact that you are here, worried that you are a pedophile and showing you are obviously disturbed by these thoughts, shows that you aren't one. I wouldn't worry too much :)

I think the fact that you're disturbed and horrified by these thoughts instead of feeling a sense of amusement or enjoyment is a pretty big indicator that you're not a pedophile. :) Sometimes people in our situations (anxiety, OCD and many other mental health issues), well it just seems like our minds turn on us and try to scare us with things we find awful or terrifying (I'm getting married soon and I'm obsessed with the fear of getting divorced because I don't think I could ever cope with that scenario). That's why therapy and learning good coping mechanisms for these intrusive thoughts is probably the best thing you can do right now.

My dear, do tell your parents about it. You never know, they might have an idea about it. The way our parents know us, we as kids can never understand. Now that i am a parent, i know. They will hug you and tell you that its all okay. When disturbing things go in our environment, our minds take the impression of it. So waht! You can deal with it. Tell your parents so that you as a family deal with this matter and you will be glad to have their support.

I did a bit of research on this when my sister (a few years ago) was convinced that she was a paedophile - I suspected OCD (Ive read a fair few psychology books) - she would constantly ask for reassurance from me which was pretty draining but at the same time, I wanted to help. It got to the stage one night where she was staying with me and she became so distressed that she said she wishes she was dead which alarmed me because she has NEVER said anything like that before - so we went to hospital, saw a doc and my sister was referred for CBT. Aswell as the whole fear of being a paedophile she had a handwashing ritual which got a bit out of hand - although she still washes her hands a lot when stressed it is generally under control.

When my sisters fears were at their worse she would avoid spending time with our niece which is probably the worst thing to do. I tried again and again explaining to her that paedophiles don't sit and worry about their thoughts, they don't avoid children but rather target them for example working in places like school etc. She always had the "what ifs" and I knew that I couldn't help her and luckily the CBT that she received DID help and she now has 2 sons. There is hope - and from the research that I did there are a LOT of people with the same fear. Maybe because paedophiles are (rightly) seen as vile, disgusting people, people fear that they are one because it is one of the worst things to be - along with murderers, rapists etc.

I hope I have made sense - seeing my sister go through turmoil when she had the same fear as you was horrible - it had such a huge impact on her life and she was 26 at the time. You are so young and I would advice that you get some professional help for this before the problem intensifies - from everything you typed it points strongly towards OCD - I would lay my life on the fact that you are NOT a paedophile - if you were, you wouldnt be coming here for advice

Take care

Hi, I'm a 21 year old girl and I have NEVER had these kinds of thoughts before a year ago. I think my anxiety started after I had my son and I'm not sure if I have PND or not but in the past 5 months I have been on a meri-go-round of thinking I'm a sick person....then I'm okay for a few weeks...then I'm back to crying everyday and recently I have been trying to 'test' myself with thoughts of children to see what emotional response I got. At the start I think it was more shock/ worry/ anxiety whenever I thought of something like that, then as it became more and more of a neccessity to CONSTANTLY and I mean, all the time, test myself, it became harder and harder to discern what the hell I was feeling. Sometimes I even make myself have 'feelings' (like girls do...downstairs) then accidentally, or even on purpose test myself and see if these feelings go away and sickness replaces it when I think about something distgusting to do with children. If it does go away and I get a horrible sinking feeling that feels like anxiety or panic in my stomach I think "okay I should have proven it to myself now" then after 1 minute I'll be doing it again an this time if the 'lady feeling' doesn't go away straight away I think that I must be a pedophile then I will set there for an hour literally crying with worry that I'm this horrible monster while trying to tell myself that I'm not. I would literally rather murder someone than be one of those horrible people. I have a nearly 2 year old son and this really isn't fair on him because I am not myself at all, I don't want to play or even cuddle him anymore because I feel so down and distgusting.

Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to tell you that it's not just you. I don't even know what I've got, I don't know if it's intrusive thoughts because I 'make' myself think of them sometimes to test myself then other times when I'm out in public and I see children I just want to run away because things pop into my head to try and see if I do like them or not. I am in a state of constant worry and sickness and would very very much like to believe with my whole heart that I'm not one of those evil people as I keep telling myself I'm not and so does everyone around me, but it doesn't do a bit of difference to convince me. I'm going to the doctors in 30 mins and I don't feel I can tell him exactly what I'm thinking as I'm nearly a fully graduated primary teacher, therefore if this went down on my record I might not be considered for a job, so I'm going to tell him how I feel, how I think all of this came about and the factors that are coming into it, such as 'not being able to get worries/ sick thoughts out of my head or I keep testing myself to see if I'm a horrible person'.

If you were a pedo you would be attracted to kids once you were able to feel attraction, except that as you got older you still only found the young kids attractive and not people in your age group.

The thoughts are unwanted and disgust you, where as a pedo would enjoy them and willing think about them and seek out videos and images to sastify himself,

The testing is a classic sign of pure O. It's like when your standing on a bridge and you get the urge to jump off, you might test yourself by standing closer to the edge.

Don't freak out, you can look at kids and find them pretty, or think they'll be very beautiful when they grow up. That's normal and there's no sexual stuff attached to that.

Go and see your gp matey, believe it or not your symptoms are fairly common, if you were a pedophile you wouldn't be disgusted at yourself. They are just intrusive thoughts, everyone gets them, suffering from anxiety/OCD means we just attach more significance to them than non sufferers which fuels further worry.

Rest assured you are NOT a pedophile.

Go see a gp, I'm pretty sure that at 16 they done have to inform your parents, even if they do they won't tell them the nature of your thoughts, just that you are suffering with anxiety.