Depression, anxiety...

Hi,

I do not really know where to start here. I do not even know if I am in the right forum... (I apologise if I am in the wrong forum)

I am a 28 year old female from a small town. I live with my mother, who is absolutely wonderful - I am so lucky to have such a wonderful mother and grandmother (I have a great family).

I had 'problems' growing up - I didn't have such a great time at school (it was horrible) and it was all a horrible mess. I think I've blocked out a lot of school unhappiness. (I did see a boy - now man - in the local newspaper a few weeks ago. He, along with his friends, used to ridicule me at school, and I must confess that I didn't feel like the nicest person ever as I saw his photo. So much for moving on, eh... *sigh* )

I also had quite a 'difficult' relationship with my stepfather. (I blame myself quite a lot for his later break-up with my mum)

Basically, the last few years of my life have been dominated by thoughts. The most horrible, appalling thoughts. (I would never ever in a million squillion gazillion etc etc etc ETC years EVER act on these thoughts! The most upsetting thoughts, horrible... ) It really started in 2002. I was so scared. Four years down the line, several treatments later (hypnotherapy, reiki, antidepressants, herbal remedies, psychologists, psychiatrists, self-help books, counsellors) - I am still scared. I think I feel worse around this time of year.

I have just come off the antidepressant Citalopram. I had been taking it for a couple of years, I believe (I can't remember the exact time! I did come off it gradually). I am now trying things like camomile tea, and trying not to drink Diet Coke so much (a big favourite drink of mine... I have vowed to give it up completely next year!). I was still having the thoughts with Citalopram. Absolutely (unfortunately).

I worry about these thoughts, I worry about writing (in case 'rogue' words come out), I worry about everything. I get upset about so many things.

I really want to 'take control' of my life. I was recently offered a job (I think possibly my first successful job interview ever) but I haven't heard back from these people, and it's been a few weeks. I would love to travel, have a relationship (aah... ), really do some more things with my life. I hate feeling like this - I feel so scared. My mental health absolutely terrifies me (I am getting emotional again... ).

I have told a doctor about these thoughts, and a psychologist (or was she a psychiatrist... Oh gosh, my MEMORY... ). My doctor (lovely lady) told me that my symptoms are apparently not uncommon. My psychologist/atrist (also a lovely lady, a young lady! She was 24) also told me that this is not uncommon. I stoppped seeing her earlier this year (April/May). (We had gone as far as we could, but she was great)

I really do not have anyone to talk to - I keep a journal and have done so for many years now. (I can't imagine where on earth I would be if I didn't have that book) I have put my family through enough, and no way could I ever tell them about this. I would really like to do something for 'them' one day.

I can 'get on' with life as in go shopping, go to the gym, talk to people, but these thoughts do get in the way of my life and make me very frustrated and unhappy.

I do not know what to do now. I have been told that these thoughts may not go away but it's a case of 'controlling' them.

I get scared and lonely. I really want to take control of my life but I just don't know where to go, what to do...

And I know how lucky I am when I think of other people. I really do.

I seem to have typed a lot...
Many thanks to anyone who has read this and lots of love (it has really helped me to write this down)
:)

Hi..
I can relate to a lot of what you said.

My schooling was horrendous. I was bullied for many years mentally and physically which i am sure (and i know you're not meant to blame the past and you're supposed to "Move on*) but its made me who i am today, that and a couple of other things.

I do not get on with my step-father either. Can't be bothered to go right into it though.

RIGHT NOW i am battling with horrible thoughts and feelings and i can't seem to shake them. I hate days like this.

If you ever want to chat, please PM me :)
SarahC

My time at school was rubbish too. Stepfather was an arse. Ironically I have a job getting on with my step daughter now. I see the look of hate in the eyes that I used to reserve for mine. ho hum

Thanks for the replies.

I'm so sorry to read about your tough time, Sarah. *hugs* I hope you are feeling okay today. :) I'd really like to chat with you too. :) Take care of yourself...

My stepdad - he was, and is, a nice guy. My brother is in touch with him and he tells me that he is well. (The relationship between my Mum and stepdad has been acrimonious, and I do blame myself for quite a lot of what happened) I didn't always approve of the way my stepdad acted (but then, he certainly didn't always approve of the way I acted!). Again, I think I have blocked a lot of it out. And I don't seem to have the words I want to use (aargh... ). (I am often like this! But when I start, it's hard to shut me up... *sigh* ;) )

Lots of love
xxx

SodaGirl,

Welcome!:D I hope you find these forums as helpful as I do. There are lots of experienced people offering sage advice and I'm sure you'll find these pages beneficial.

I find it easier to 'offload' in type than to verbalise my emotions and have found my experiences on Citalopram (40mg a day) to be shared by many others. We're not alone!:D

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

Quote:

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<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Basically, the last few years of my life have been dominated by thoughts. The most horrible, appalling thoughts. (I would never ever in a million squillion gazillion etc etc etc ETC years EVER act on these thoughts! The most upsetting thoughts, horrible... ) It really started in 2002. I was so scared. Four years down the line, several treatments later (hypnotherapy, reiki, antidepressants, herbal remedies, psychologists, psychiatrists, self-help books, counsellors) - I am still scared. I think I feel worse around this time of year.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Soda Girl - 11 December 2006 : 18:11:54</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

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OK - I have OCD and I'm no psychologist so this could be different, however the fact that you say you are plagued by 'appalling, horrible' thoughts is something I can strongly relate to.
Has anyone ever told you to step back from those thoughts, quit writing them down and indeed quit doing anything about them? You can't CONTROL what thoughts you have, but you can control your reaction to them is what I mean.
My CB therapist told me not to give any time to these thoughts, writing them down made me worse - she told me to see them as a ripple in a pond of 100's of thoughts. Cars zooming past. It sounds easy, it isn't, but it its the only method that has gotten me through.
Read this, it might help (it helped me!):

When these obsessive thoughts occur, the content of the obsession is irrelevant. It is meaningless, it is purposeless. Your obsessions represent an anxiety problem. The topic of your anxiety is not the issue, even though you believe it is.
It is not an easy task to accomplish when you are dreading that you might pass on deadly germs, kill someone you love or cause a terrible accident. Nonetheless, I am asking you to step away from those thoughts, to get a perspective on them and say "Wait a minute; I have an anxiety disorder, what is an anxiety disorder all about? It's about ANXIETY, not about this thought content".
Try NOT to get into a battle of logic in your head. If you try to CONVINCE yourself of how illogical your worries are, you will become very frustrated. You will have a hard time being certain about anything, you'll always find a thread of doubt you can follow. So don’t get caught in the trap of logic. Instead, keep stepping back mentally and saying "I need to address my anxiety, not this specific topic".
Your OCD is going to encourage you to do the opposite; it’s going to push you to think this is all about whether you made the right decision, that this thought needs to be given attention. You'll work hard to get the right reassurance - and it’s totally the WRONG thing to be doing - you are falling right into the clutches of OCD. It's a very important challenge; address your symptoms of anxiety - NOT your fearful thoughts. Don’t be fooled!

Nel xxx

___________________________________________
"At the end of a storm, there's a golden sky..."

Hi Soda,

I can relate to so much of what you say too. I had a horrible time growing up and blocked out so much of it, even though nothing really bad happened during my childhood, I was just miserable and very unsure of myself.

I know what you mean by horrible thoughts, that is the depression. Your imagination is dreaming up the worst things it can think of and you are obsessing about them. When I was a kid I thought that my grandad was going to abuse me- he never did and he never would, I had this feeling for a long time that I deserved to be stabbed or beaten up in a night club and I've had urges to drive my car into oncoming lorries.

Basically, you are always thinking the worst and because your body is at such a hightened state of arousal because of anxiety it is reacting automatically to these thoughts and causing the fight or flight repsonse to kick in...shallow breathing, sweaty palms, light headedness...

It is very common to lose track of time. Your brain chemistry is all over the place. I've been ill for about 4 years too. I was especially bad to begin with, but I was somehow still able to drive 200 miles to London..it really confuses me how I was able to do that because I know that I have been ill for a solid 4 years and that for much of it I haven't felt able to leave my small town.

As far as relationships, jobs etc go, I can totally relate there too. Getting married, having a family and having my own place seem impossible to me right now (I'm 30). The responsibility seems so daunting. But, they are things that I do want to do and that i don't want to avoid because of fear. You should chase up your job offer.

Frustration is a key thing. Boredom and frustration play a major part in depression. I personally believe that my depression is caused by my anxiety. I know that I have a low fear threshold. I have generalised anxiety disorder and so many things make me feel anxious and scared. I have travelled a little bit, but long haul travel seems totally beyond me...which I find very frustrating and depressing.

As far as I'm concerned stress has a huge bearing on anxiety. When i had my break down I was living in London, working in a sales job where I would be out of the flat for up to 14 hours a day, but as I was travelling and I generated my own income through commission, very often i actually lost money. Every month I fell short with my rent money and I worried that I would get myself and my flatmate evicted. I owed friends and family hundreds of pounds. I was doing drugs. I had a very messed up rtelationship with an older woman, where she cheated on me alot. I had major self-esteem issues and I ended up alienating my friends. I was under an enormous amount of stress and eventually I snapped.

Imagine that stress is like a speedometer in a car. The more stress that you have, the more to the right that the needle goes...80mph, 90mph, 100mph until it goes into the red, the danger zone. If we constantly suffer from severe stress, then we will constantly be in or around the danger zone. There is a well known quote that goes "an anxious mind cannot exist in a relaxed body". The secret really is to relax as much as possible, whether that's with exercise, hypnotherapy, reiki...whatever. try to get yourself within the 'speed limit'.

As far as depression goes, I try to think of it as your mind causing you to go into 'hibernation' to conserve energy and repair yourself against what may seem like a 'hard winter'. You'll feel listless and have no energy or interest in stuff. The way to beat this is to do things. The more that you do, especialyy if you don't feel like it, the more you can kickstart your metabolism and get it worked at a much higher rate. therefore energising and enthusing you.

Hope I made sense. You actually sound really positive and pleasant. I'm sure that you'll be fine.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

Hi,

Thank you all for the messages - you are all so lovely and supportive... I hope that everyone's Christmas went okay. :) (Now, I have to stop eating Pringles, chocolate, etc, ETC... *blush* ;) )

I do not really know how to word this reply (again. I never know when to use the right words, how to use them... ). I send my very best wishes to everyone.

I haven't been 'so' bad recently. I do like this time of year (I love Christmas) though I'm not always sure Christmas is that great for me mentally...

I am about to start a new job next month (and hopefully also a confidence building course) so I'm getting a little worried about that... (I am drinking St. John's Wort tea - I have been drinking this quite a lot recently!) I haven't always had the best experiences when it comes to work (but then, without wanting to sound too negative, I know I'm not alone here) but whatever happens, I tell myself that I will learn from it. (I hope that didn't sound 'arrogant' at all there. Aargh... )

I don't think I've really thought of myself as having an anxiety disorder before. I don't know - I have seen the doctor, seen the mental health people, scribbled away in my journal (and more often than not I write about what is on TV or whatever - and I can watch some awful TV! I don't know if that is helping me... ;) ). I took my medication (Citalopram) without really querying things too much (I have been on different medication previously - Efexor... ). It's only fairly recently that I decided to come off the tablets (and I did it gradually, as recommended). I know I have to help myself (I should have finished that self-help book!) (and this, that, etc!). I get so 'unsettled' sometimes, and it's all such a mess, and I don't know what to do...

Thanks again for the posts and help. It has really meant a lot to me. This forum has such lovely caring people.
Love and best wishes and best wishes for 2007 too,
xxxx

Hi Everyone,

I'm a 36 year old male. This is my first post so I may ramble or not make sense ! I've discovered in the 4 years since my dad died (the trigger I call it), that what we've all probably read on the NHS & most mental health websites, is true. The best form of treating these symptoms of panic, anxiety & OCD is by writing things down, talking to other people & occupying your time. I've read on an earlier reply that they'd been suffering for 4 years and wondered how they'd managed it. Well, we do; somehow. Hopefully, we stumble upon something that makes us all feel a little better.

4 years ago, I was a mess. I was shaking like a leaf, I couldn't speak, I suffered drastic weight loss & all this on being diabetic as well (those who suffer from diabetes & anxiety will tell you that the symptoms of an hypo & an anxiety attack are in the beginning, very similar, so I was also confused when my blood sugars were registering normal & not low). I was having bad palpatations that ending up requiring my wife to call the paramedics & I ended up being prescribed beta-blockers & diazepam without actually being told what they were for.

This was the first of it that my wife knew. I didn't tell her or anyone what I was going through. I felt ashamed & weak for some reason. I went back to the doctors & told him the symptoms & also the fact that I couldn't cope with the loss of my dad. He prescribed me paroxetine and finished the beta-blockers and still didn't tell me what the problem was. I continued suffering full on panic attacks until the paroxetine kicked in.

I did this for two years & then realised I couldn't remember a significant event in that time. I was a zombie (literally), and being a typical male, I wasn't happy at the lack of sexual appetite either. So, I got rid. Stopped them just like that & suffered for a little while but got through. I'm now on 2mg of diazepam a day (I know, I should stop), and I'm a little on edge sometimes, but that's it (I'm also painfully aware that you don't drink alcohol & take these tablets !).

Now, the final part. I know, that to be anxiety free, is in my hands. I could see a therapist and discover the cause of my symptoms (after all, we're only dealing with & treating the symptoms aren't we ?). But this is the part that scares me. I know what my problem is. I am scared of my own mortality. I've got other issues; I'm diabetic, infertile, hate my job and lacking severely in self-esteem, but those things I can deal with & have done for half of my life, but how do I confront my own mortality & live happily ever after ?

Sorry to unload all this crap on you, but believe it or not, I am better than I was & I really do hope that all of you have got better as time as gone on. Now, anybody have any ideas how to quit the diazepam ???????

I forgot to add, WIFTS, that was great advice AND a great metaphor at the end too. I liked that. Oh and Soda Girl, the fact that you're so aware of your problem(s) means you've got a great chance of beating it. Good luck everyone, and thank you all for being here.

Hi mynameis :)

I hope you are well, and are having a good 2007 so far. :) (The same to everyone on this forum too)

I'm so sorry to read of what you have been going through, and to hear of the loss of your father. I'm pleased that things have got better for you. Think of all the progress you have made, and the progress you will continue to make! And I am sure that you will. You seem like a strong person - again, you have really made such a lot of progress, and please don't forget that...

I really wish I had other words to help. But, aargh... *looking over at empty packet of Jaffa Cakes and St. John's Wort tea*

Sorry to speak (or write) about myself again - I am sorry about this. The last week for me has been absolutely awful. I think it's been a combination of a few things: New Year (eek!), new job (eek!), New Year's Resolutions (eek!), hormonal troubles (eek!) etc... I have been crying endlessly and it's just been horrible, so very horrible. I'm wondering whether I should go back on anti-depressants. It's been scary and horrible... My mind just never ever seems to be at peace, and it scares me so much. Horrible horrible...

My mother has been making enquiries about my going to see a therapist. I really have to do something. (And I hate bringing my mother down, so very much) I think that it is the New Year, and I really want to get this all together! Come ON, come on...

Take care - best wishes again
:)

Hi Soda (and everyone else),

I hope that by talking about my own experiences that I can help you with yours. Right now, I'm coming to the conclusion that anxiety comes before depression for me and not the other way around. I had thought that it was the other way around because I've always been slow, lethargic, listless and introverted and I had a couple of bouts of more severe depression before my breakdown. Whereas, I knew that I was an uptight person, but I didn't think that the problem with anxiety was so severe.

Basically, I have always been afraid of going very far from home (agoraphobia....although I'm only just realising that that's what it is). I live in Cheshire and, before my breakdwon, I was always fairly comfortable driving to Manchester, Liverpool, London or wherever. I even drove to Amsterdam without much difficulty. But, I've always been afraid (illogically) of travelling very far afield. If people talk about going to America or Australia my reaction has always been a mix of frustration, jealousy and nausea at the thought of doing it myself. I really would love to be free to see the world, but there is no way that I could board a plane for some far flung destination. I would be totally hysterical. People may say "when you're there, you're there", but the thought of being on the other side of the world would freak me out and I'd feel so sick with anxiety and depression.

I had the worst panic attack of my life on a flight to Amsterdam, where I had the most overwhelming urge to open the door and throw myself out of the plane. It was really horrible and distressing trying to sink as deep into the chair as I could and wrapping my legs around the legs of the chair to try and stop myself. The stewardness had to sit with me the whole time while I blew into a bag. When we got to the other side I saw the police with guns and I had a compulsion to grab one and start shooting. I went out with people the first day, but the second day I stopped in bed all day trying to fight off an urge to throw myself out the window.

Ok, so I wasn't with the most supportive people, but I tried to face my fear and it backfired. The wierd thing is that I was freaking out about getting back because I really didn't want to fly, I hate the sea probably more so and the thought of doing the tunnel is awful. In the end, the easiest way to get home was to fly and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, even though it was still pretty hairy.

I should get to a point I suppose. I do try a lot of things: yoga, self-hypnosis, exercise, self-help books, tft.....very often I finish it and don't feel 'cured', so I discount it or lose interest. But, something interesting that I read is that you should look at such things like this: "No one thing will cure you 100%, but 10 things might each cure you 10%", so any small benefit is a step in the right direction. I thought to myself today too that "NOT flying is not going to cure my fear of flying. I'm not going to wake up one day free of it".

For me, the best time facing my fear was when I went up the Great Orme in Llandudno. I really wasn't going to do it. I was going to meet everyone round the other side (the sort of thing that I always do), but I let myself get talked into it and going up in the mountain train I was clinging on for dear life with white knuckles, while these two old dears were sat opposite me doing their knitting or something!! I got to the top and I was bricking it, imagining myself falling down the mountain or something but, as the sea came into view I felt a mix of awe and maybe even bravery come over me. For the first time in years my head cleared, I didn't feel unreal, my body relaxed....it was like "this is it, I literally am facing my fear!". I was still a little nervy, but I felt alive and it was amazing.........my mind got it's own back a little later on though when it started giving my heart symptoms!! lol

I can't say that I've reached the summit and that I know all the answers, but I'm pretty sure that I've suffered as much as anyone with anxiety and de

Jeez Soda, Sounds like a tough start to the year ! Hope things have settled a little now. I know that you feel bad dragging your mother down, but if you're lucky, family care & they don't want to see you hurting. You & your mum both sound determind to find a solution or at the very least, find a way of living with these fears, and I'm sure you'll find it. As long as you tell your mum that she is helping & also when you're having a good spell, she'll feel that she's being of some benefit to you. I hope you can resist the temptation of the anti-depressants as I remember what it was like stopping the paroxetine & it wasn't good. I know that if I started on them again, then I'm right back where I was 4 years ago, & that seems motivation enough at the moment.

So, how's the new job ? You're right, it is daunting & stressful, but don't be afraid to ring a friend for a shoulder to cry / lean on. I hope you find the support that everybody needs from time to time, and in the meantime, try to remember that we've got another 350 odd days until the next new year, so one less thing to worry about !

Oh, & Soda, don't apologise for requesting help for your own problems ! That's what we're all here for & you can write about anybody you like including yourself ! Good luck & remember that you are not alone.

Soda girl welcome to nmp, you will meet the best people in the world on this site, they will try to help, they will not judge. You are having a bit of a tough time but you have taken the first steps, you have told someone how you feel, you have opened up on nmp, that is a very positive move. What can I say, you are your own person, you make your own life, about a year ago i was like you in the depths of despair, contemplating suicide, but then i found nmp. It was here that I forced myself to look at my problems head on, start to make a positive life out of a negative one. It worked, I now have a new zest for life, I like it, I got rid of the old baggage, I stopped to smell the flowers, I am cured. Reading your post I think you like me can do it for yourself, its not easy, yu have to come out of your comfort zone and face it all head on. However, reading between the lines of your posts i think thats what you want, go for it start to be positive, turn the negatives into positives, forget the old life and the old enimeis, your life starts today here and now, over the next few months you will learn to live it and enjoy. I am right behind you, remember we know what you feel so when it gets to much come into the fourm or chat and let rip with your frustrations

Keith

Hi,

Thanks so much for the replies. Thank you for the advice, for the kind words... (Again, I don't know what to say. I really don't. Thanks so so so much... :) )

Things haven't been so bad for me recently, thankfully... (Though I do worry about tempting fate by writing such things! I'm sorry if I sound negative but I worry about tempting fate - I cross fingers, toes, etc... ) The new job (a part-time job) is going okay so far (again, do not want to tempt fate, aaargh... ;) ) - I'm lucky to be working with nice people. (I still worry incessantly and I don't know how I must be coming across... )

I am trying to control these awful thoughts and fears - I am trying meditation (I don't think I am doing it quite correctly though... ) and I am playing these "Alphabet" games on the bus to try and distract myself, as was suggested by my psychiatrist (or psychologist? Gosh, my awful memory... ) last year (and then I will end up hating myself for not knowing a capital city beginning with a certain letter! It goes on, and on, and I think I must be one of the most irritating people ever... ). I have also made enquiries about having some kind of therapy again - I have done this before but I think I would like to do it again. I have been going to the gym again too.

I know that I have to work at it. I really have to work at things, and be positive. I just get so scared with these thoughts - if I could take something to block out the thoughts, well... (What could I take? I don't know... Am approaching five years with the thoughts! Aargh... )

Thanks again for all your input - lots of love to you all, and thank you for helping me
xxx