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Doing it By the Spoonful
As I've mentioned, I have had problems with anxiety and panic since 1999. During all this time it's come in waves, hitting and missing me over the years. What I wanted to mention was something Dr. Jellybean (no disrespect intended, it's just what I call him) said a few weeks ago.
I was going on about how my social anxiety was hitting me every time I left the house for extended periods. When he suggested about taking my adventures out in smaller doses. I let the words soak in my hard head, then I finally started putting them into practice. So far the results have been pretty good.
I guess my point here is to say, while I still struggle with putting some "normalcy" into my life. Doing things in small doses has worked for me, and maybe, it can work for you also. As an added note usually my wife is with me, so... take from that what you will.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
This is true - staying within your comfort zone until you're ready to push on a bit further helps, you don't want to be jumping in at the deep end and make yourself feel worse through failing to control your anxiety.Small steps are the way to go, you know when to push yourself and when to take it easy.
It's nice to get advice and help, but never let anyone dictate how you should be going about your recovery, you know best.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Just as an update to pushing the boundaries, I got an email to apply for a position at a major phone carrier. I completed the application and frankly thought nothing more of it, thinking I'd never get an offer.
Well I was surprised when I got an email back from the business wanting to interview me. The point I want to bring up is this, I got very uncomfortable a few days before the interview. But I worked through it and had a good first interview and will have a second this Friday.
I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes a little nudge is all it takes to get you back to life. Even if nothing comes of this interview, at lest it gives me more security and confidence to try again.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful 3
Well I'm sitting here waiting for my next interview with the actual hiring manager. The only thing I can thing of is how I'm I going to move my truck while the interview is taking place and my landlord decides today is the day to mow grass, OGH!
Other than that my stress level is okay. It is funny (ironic) that I have become so sensitive to stress. That even small levels of stress now effect me. Maybe I just need to work on handling low levels of stress. But the $64,000 question is, how do you do that, any suggestions?
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
My advice would be to go out and just see how far you get with a challenge. Don't pressurize yourself to stay until a certain time or point, just see how it goes and view everything you achieve (no matter how small) as a success. My biggest flaw is i am too hard on myself if i'm not able to achieve things i would like to have been able to do. Because i am too wrapped up in everything i haven't been able to do yet i forget about all the amazing things i have achieved and how much progress i have made in other areas. Hope this helps.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Koala
I really appreciate the good words and I believe I should challenge myself more. At the moment I am really stressing out, I can only assume from the great job offer I received this week. Although, nothings set in stone I was told I'd receive an answer in three to five days.
Ever since that last meeting I have been a mess. I nearly forgot my wife and son's birthday and could barely get through a simple class assignment. My fear is the pressure doesn't just affect my mind it shoots my blood pressure through the roof for prolonged periods of time as I try and calm down.
What control I ever feel I gain over my situation, this anxiety and stress find new ways to enter in. To the point to where I wonder if I'll ever gain control of it?
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
I was having a couple of rough days with stress and anxiety (for no real good reason). But I've been reminding myself that there is no need to focus on situations which haven't occurred (which is what I'm doing). It amazes me that I allow myself to go on these stressful journeys of "what if's". All I can do is remind myself if the pointlessness of this worry. To keep myself in the moment and the focus n the present.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Maybe this is the wrong thing to say, but sometimes you have to let go. I sent the day stressing and working on a class project that was due today. After 9 hours of writing and rewriting, then figuring (there's Math involved) then answering the phone and answering the door. I put my hands up and let go. I sent a note to my teacher then did a half-hour of good mediation.
Like I said, I maybe wrong, but after fighting and fighting to make sense of the assignment and all the distractions I felt it was time to simply shut it down. And to be honest, I really don't feel guilty doing it, which is also great. Hopefully, I can get up tomorrow with a clearer understanding of the work, turn my phone off and get some work done.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Well I puckered up and got the job done, but not without some more and drama. Anyway, that was a few hours ago and I've had time to get caught up and ready for tomorrow.
I guess the big thing I can pull from all this is, even when major pressures on with a little patients with myself I can get things done. Which is funny, because for the last number of years I've been setting and meeting goals for myself. Yet there are times when I seem to forget those moments and let the "what if's" control my mind.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Quote:
Originally Posted by
fduop
Just as an update to pushing the boundaries, I got an email to apply for a position at a major phone carrier. I completed the application and frankly thought nothing more of it, thinking I'd never get an offer.
Well I was surprised when I got an email back from the business wanting to interview me. The point I want to bring up is this, I got very uncomfortable a few days before the interview. But I worked through it and had a good first interview and will have a second this Friday.
I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes a little nudge is all it takes to get you back to life. Even if nothing comes of this interview, at lest it gives me more security and confidence to try again.
Such a great way of looking at it! Despite everything you are going through, you have a lot of positivity, and that has to be good in terms of your recovery.
I have really severe social anxiety at the mo, but went for a short walk and into a shop WITHOUT self-service and where I had to speak to someone today, so feeling pretty pleased with myself! Small steps like you say.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
applec
It did me some real good to know that small steps are helping you to. Over the past few days I've really had to fight the anxiety. But after 14/15 years of battling this, I feel some real victories in my life. But don't forgot your small victories either.
Whether I remember or not, I have fought and earned two college degrees while having panic disorder. Now I'm working (hard) on my Masters degree in technology management. So while I can say panic and anxiety have a hold, I can also say they haven't won either.
Maybe I'm too smart or just too damn stupid to give-up. Either way, maybe it's just that I'm tried of being tried that makes me keep fighting.
Best to you apple
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
It's been a really busy few weeks, school has really been taking out of me. But to my surprise, the struggling has paid off. Today I seem to be able to hit the books with a renewed focus which has been nice. I can only pray that I keep up this momentum for the next two weeks of class.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Really appreciate your kindness and support fduop. You have achieved so much, despite your struggles, and not let social anxiety stop you.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
ac
I tell you what, it's working to stop me today. Yesterday I was doing pretty well, then I got an email from my school of all places wanting to do a story about my struggles and how I've been working through them. At first I was flattered that they thought my story would help others.
But since then my anxiety has been through the roof. I mean nothing has been put to paper yet and I'm stressing that my "dirty little secret" is out for the world to see. It's stressed me so that I didn't sleep well at all last night and today my chest feels like I got a boulder sitting on it.
The more I tell myself this is silly, the more stressed and lightheaded I get. At the moment all I can think of doing is push on and not run. To stand firm and not allow this thought to steal my day. I am better than this and I will bet this. I am so tried of running every time that specter of fear decides to come, I am better than this.
Sorry to vent all over you ac, I just had to get that out. One of the best ways to defeat a unwarranted fear is to stand against it. It may not leave that second, but at least I can make it as uncomfortable as I am.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Quote:
Originally Posted by
fduop
ac
I tell you what, it's working to stop me today. Yesterday I was doing pretty well, then I got an email from my school of all places wanting to do a story about my struggles and how I've been working through them. At first I was flattered that they thought my story would help others.
But since then my anxiety has been through the roof. I mean nothing has been put to paper yet and I'm stressing that my "dirty little secret" is out for the world to see. It's stressed me so that I didn't sleep well at all last night and today my chest feels like I got a boulder sitting on it.
The more I tell myself this is silly, the more stressed and lightheaded I get. At the moment all I can think of doing is push on and not run. To stand firm and not allow this thought to steal my day. I am better than this and I will bet this. I am so tried of running every time that specter of fear decides to come, I am better than this.
Sorry to vent all over you ac, I just had to get that out. One of the best ways to defeat a unwarranted fear is to stand against it. It may not leave that second, but at least I can make it as uncomfortable as I am.
Wish I could help. You shouldn't feel that you need to do that story for your school. That is HUGE, even for someone without anxiety. You're really brave to even consider it. Maybe at a later stage, when you are feeling stronger perhaps?
No way is it a dirty secret though. So many people feel this way. We mustn't feel ashamed.
Hope there was something good about your day. I keep a 5 nice things diary - force myself to write in it every day. Even on really bad days, there is usually something that you can look back on with pleasure, even if it's just eating something nice.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
ac
You're right about that, if you can't find a little good everyday, what's the point of getting up. But to let you know, after some meditation and writing my last post and jotting down some thoughts in my journal, I'm feeling better. Tried, but better.
I had a conversation with a "normal" friend of mine earlier, and I was trying to explain how those stressed out moments can really take the wind out of you. Even after you start feeling better. But I feel better about allowing them to do a story on me. I mean, it's not like I don't do that already in a blog I do.
But ac, I do appreciate the advice, if I don't hear from you over the weekend, you have a pleasant weekend and I'll see what ten good things I can list.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Well this has been one stressed out weekend. 90% of my stress comes from class while the other 10% is just the world. I more than realise that it's all "what if's" that are doing this to me. Still it doesn't make living with the pressure any better. In fact it is so exhausting that even when I'm over the stress, it still takes me days to get over it.
But I'm doing all that I can to survive the day. I'm exhausted, but still kicking. It's a bit ironic that here I'm with all this crap floating around in my head that causes me panic and anxiety. Yet here I am wanting to fight this and bet this stuff. At times it feels like I'm two different people one fighting and one giving in.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
I hope no one minds me making this my sounding board for my anxiety. But after posting, I usually feel a bit better and more in control. I just finished my course work for this week and now I'm preparing my mind for this final week of class.
This week includes a final exam, discussion post, a team product, an individual project, and a quiz. Yeah I know, it's a full plate. But as I posted the last time, I'm simply going to do the best that I can. Spoke for a moment with my instructor via email, and she simple said do you best my good grades so far will carry a lot of weight toward my total grade.
I guess what I telling myself is, do what you can, and let the "what if's" fall where they may.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
After posting yesterday I feel a bunch better. The stress really lightened up, but if you were to ask me how, I simply couldn't tell you. It was either the scheduled meds or just being so mentally/physically exhausted.
Today I'm cautiously optimistic I got a therapist appointment out of town. My problem is when I go to my therapist I'm so stressed by the time I get there. I say anything just get out and head home. Today I'm hoping to chill and let her know what's been going down.
Well wish me luck on my journey this is a long trip for me. And I worry that I get light-headed, but I have to realize that it's the panic attacking my fears.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Today was pretty rough, I took my final exam for the class and didn't do well, which is par for the course. The pressure continued for a while after class, then I took a short trip that eased the pressure some. So a while later my wife and I took a short trip out of town to get a milkshake, which did the trick in easing my mind.
Other than that, I have only two more final assignments t do by Monday and this nightmare series of finance courses are over and I can once again concentrate on my course of study systems technology.
But I am learning through this I can do a lot more than I thought. That putting myself out there is rough, but I can do it. I just wish the lesson wasn't so painful.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Well for a weekend I doing pretty good. Got most of the work done for my end of course, with just half a paper left to complete. So my stress has eased.
Another thing that has help ease my stress has been a loving book I picked up by a Buddhist monk. As I've said before, out of all the things I tried to help me ease my stress, mediation has worked the best. So this book simply reinforces the idea of living in the moment and remembering the past is the past and that the future hasn't been written.
So for now I'm going to take a cool shower (it's a bit hot here in the South), find a quiet spot and focus on my breathing, then read. Good night.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
I guess I should say first, that the course is over. I completed the last assignment yesterday and while I've lost some points due to my poor Math skills, I should do okay. I guess the point that should be made is that I'm getting through it.
For whatever reason, even with the many victories I've had. When a crisis comes up, I still end up going through all the pressure and discomfort of the anxiety all over again. Even reminding myself doesn't seem to work, but thankfully, I make, maybe not as well as I would like, but I make it.
Guess all I can do is remind myself I have a lot of work to go, and that even with the pressure that I can feel, seeing the end of the road isn't the end, but the beginning.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Very good advice here. I suffer from health anxiety and my girlfriend from social or general anxiety. I will give her the advice you mentioned.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Glad I can help JoeG, even though my last few post have been fairly positive. Beginning last night I've my old buddy fear & anxiety creeping up again. Had a rough night of sleep last night and ever since I logged off from class, I've mighty anxious.
It's just one of those things you gotta work on everyday. One day you're doing pretty good, then the next, those old feels come by, like a troublemaker you really don't want to see. But you know, telling my imperfect story on this forum is just one of the tools I have to overcome this illness.
So remember no matter how many positive things you read. You gotta always be aware that anxiety and fear are always with us. It's part of being human. But to allow them to overrun your life is quite another situation. So rather through therapy, or medication, or mindfulness, or all three, get the help you need. You don't have to face this alone.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Just as an open idea I'm wondering if the stress I'm feeling today has something to do with the tragic death of Robin Williams. It's not that I knew him although I was a fan. I think the point was that he used humor as a cover for the depression and low self-esteem he may have felt.
Again, I don't claim to have any inside information, but in my own life I've used humor as an acceptance and defensive tool. So when you see someone whom you feel a kindred spirit to, I guess it affected me in some uncomfortable ways.
Happily I do feel better after some meditation and soul searching. But I felt that by writing this down I'm giving myself some extra release. It is tragic to see someone who you feel was finally winning, find themselves lost.
I guess the thing that can remind myself about is that by being open and keeping a line of communication at hand when I'm down. That I can keep up the good fight and remember that I am worth fighting for.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Had a little trouble with my stress today, but I spent a little while meditating this afternoon. So that and doing some blogging has got me feeling better.
While I can have a number of good days in a row. My mind can dwell on this bad days when the anxiety is up. It's ironic how the anxiety can be such a drain on you, while you can go for days feeling well and never think twice about them.
But I'm trying to accept the fact that fear is a part of me. That by embracing that part of myself, I'm saying to myself it's alright not to be perfect.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Once again, it's not been a good day. It started last night with not sleeping too well, then as the morning progressed I just haven't well. Which with my hyper-sensitivity to anything physical only makes anything I feel worse.
But I've cleared my calendar for the day and have tried to simply breathe and relax. It's worked some, so I'll simply mark the day as done. Because on too many occasions I've gotten up the next day feeling fine.
Maybe that's the crazy of all this to me. One day doing really well, the next barely getting by. But way down deep, I still got some fight left. I still realize I cannot and will not be defeated. I know it's insane, but these two sides of me battle pretty much everyday.
If anyone has some thoughts on this , I'm more than willing to hear it.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Well the weekend is here and I have a little fear my weekend problem will show up yet again. If you don't know, for whatever reason weekends tend to mess with me. Rather it's done to lack of routine or what, I just have trouble with Saturday & Sunday. Another thing going on is, down here in Southern Georgia USA, it's as hot as it's been in 2 years with temps over 100 F.
But with that bad news out of the way, I now have it set-up where I only have 4 courses left to finishing my graduate studies. Which means I should finish school in February of 2015. My problem for a year now has been losing the "fire" for attending school. But I couldn't see myself quitting with being so close to finishing. But additional classes I was assigned were a concentration in my degree field, which I haven't really used. So I shorten my program to an MBA which was a logical step, so I wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel and take additional courses to finish.
So as I sign out to complete some homework before I melt into my laptop or vice versa, let me just say. In my situation, looking into what drives my fears, anxiety, & panic has been a great first step into learning not only who I am, but what I can be. To hopefully at some point being able to release myself from these burdens of feeling unworthy even of my own love.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
First off I want to thank the individuals that operate this site. I'm sure you hear this a lot, but you have been a Godsend to me as a place where I can be free to post my up's and down's with other's who know first hand what we all live with.
That said, it appears I'm riding a good wave this week. But in a way my "mind" doesn't want to jinx it by saying anything. As much as I want to stay positive you always have that little seed in the back of your mind going, "hold on, the other shoes going to drop any minute." Well, there I said it, I've tempted fate.
But actually what I'm believing is the more I study and grasp the content of mindfulness and being in the moment. That I am realizing those seeds of fear and anxiety that live in my mind can be comforted and loved. Because they are not the enemy they are me. I realize a lot of what I'm saying sounds so...grapenut eating, be one with nature, stop wearing deodorant...circa 1969, that it's hard to take serious. But it works for me.
A book I have been reading on the subject is titled Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. Of everything I've read about mindfulness, the present moment, and anxiety. For me this one has really given me comfort and direction. I enjoy the way Hanh explains things and enjoy the stories and metaphors he uses. I recommend giving it a read.
Other than that, I have some class work to do and I'm looking forward to our little heat wave lighting up a bit the next few days. Hope each of you find peace and have a great Sunday.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Hi Fduop,,
You sum it up well and the bit about they are not the enemy they are me is a great way to look at it , just reading it gave me one more little tool to calm my own personal anxieties :) , so thanks for that and hope you have a peacefull Sunday too
Cheers
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Deano
Thank-you, for the encouraging words. At times when writing here or on my blog, I often wonder if there is anyone out there. While the words I write are meant mostly as an outlet for myself, it's still nice to know an experience or thought I had can help others. So thanks.
To continue on the thought of being my own worst enemy, for so long I used medication and therapy to block out or mask my internal struggle. When all along opening those thoughts or seeds to the surface was my true relief.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not as simple as it sounds and it requires work and struggle on your part. Still for me, the whole idea of mindfulness and being in the present has really helped me face my doubts and fears that are rooted in my past and future. By looking at my fear and anxieties as seeds buried in my mind, through mindfulness, I am able to address, love, and comfort those past thoughts.
I'm still quite the novice at this and as you read my posts, everyday's not "wine and roses" for me. Still much like mindfulness, I take it one day at a time.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Hey Fduop,
No worries :),
I owe a lot of my own success over the past 6 days to this forum and people like yourself , whilst i knew from the first moment this was a battle for me and my own Psychi to ultimately win ,I dont think I could create a strong enough me to fight it without the little pieces of reassurance i have gleened from reading this site and the comforting words of the people within :).
Back to work tomorrow after a week of some very strange and new experiences , that will be the ultimate test i reckon but i have been volunteering during my week off just so i could be around people and be working and fighting off those little trigger sensations .
If i succeed it will be because of words from people like yourself
So cheers and keep it up and i hope the fact you know your helping others allows you to feel great too ;)
cheers
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Thank-you Deano
It's very nice to hear a kind word, sometimes in life it's those small words that make someones whole day. I've noticed when I take a moment to be kind or have a nice word with someone, it usually comes back in a good way. I guess it all goes back to the lessons I learned from my grandmother. She would have all these amazing "one-liners" or "old wives tales" she'd say. One of those being, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", which I'm sure we've all heard. But it's a truth that goes along way towards how we should treat others. When tying all this together with our anxiety, even as we suffer, we should try and be mindful of others. Because, you never know when you may depend on the help of that person.
As I close my thoughts here, for the last few days I've done okay. The weather has been nice, it's 90 F and with a low dew point it feels 90, not 106 F. Still my health hypersensitivity has really been working on me. I just have to remind it that, life and death are all the same and that fearing either one makes you no extra points. Also remember, during your busy day to take time to notice your steps and to be aware.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Well as I predicted I had to call first responders to my house this morning. While working my class project, I got pretty light-headed and disoriented, so I panicked. Thankfully, after the paramedics checked my vitals everything was within, let's say okay levels. They got ahold of my doctor who advised I relax and lighten up on the computer for a day or so, and if nothing else happens, see him in the morning.
More than anything when the paramedics read off my vitals their comments really assured me I was doing pretty well. It appears I may have an inner ear infection, yet again.
I guess the reason I'm not listening to my dr now is to jot down the thoughts while they are still fresh. Maybe the lessons in this are, one don't be afraid to get checked. The situation with us with panic disorder is the wondering, is it all panic or something more. Next was the idea that even if you (me) feel okay for a while, we still need to be aware of what we live with, and to not allow it to sentence us to a half-lived life.
Maybe this is the most important thing I can take from these "bumps" in the road. That allowing my mind to obsess with it, means allowing panic the victory over me.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Damn those setbacks heh :)
Had a couple of near misses myself today , Drs tomorrow for Blood results and get the ok to try some Herbal meds before full blown Pharmacutical versions :) , Just had a 1 hour Aromatherapy massage from the students in the Beauticians college , cheap as chips but thrice as nice , nothing make me feel better than a good massage and now i have ordered a little luxury hamper ( similar to Dean and Deluca in US) , tomorrrow i will goto my fave little plac in the country and sit there and eat it and debate these little demons lol.
Basically i tackle this thing with smiles at the moment , little treats that cost little money , i am determined that beatijng this thing will not lead to beating it but to a new way of lving in a positive manner :).
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It's amazing how when you start to feel better the other shoe is just dieing to drop. Let me back up for a minute to explain, for the past week or so (other than yesterday) I've felt pretty good about stepping out some more and heading back to work. The problem is when I speak to the people who are offering me work, the panic machine kicks into full gear.
It has happened yet again today, after just sending an email to the potential employer, without any commitment, here it goes panic city. If it sounds like I'm a bit mad, I guess I am. Mad with me, mad at panic, just mad. But what can I do? I guess all I can do is fight the good fight one day at a time.
Deano, I don't mean to rain on your good feeling, I just got to vent. But I'm glad to see you have some things that work for you. I'm just sitting here waiting for tomorrow, which in a way is sad. Because no matter my state of mind, I hate to waste time. Which may be part of the problem itself when thinking about the moment and mindfulness.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
Hey fduop
I love the rain so rain anytime on my parade :),
Work and e-mails are probably the single biggest cause of my own troubles , especially 10 mins before end of the week when everyone sends there crappy backheel e-mails , these people dont realise although they have got rid of there own responsibilities until monday , they have made someone else shoulder it until monday :).
they also dont realise i learned not to read e-mails 20 minutes before the last shift of the week lol ;).
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
After allowing myself to vent, I then spoke to myself about allowing me get out there again. Part of what I thought was the solution, which is only a band aid to be honest, was walling myself in. (I'm sure no one here knows about that) But to continue the healing process the wall will have to be opened. Which I guess is the part that frightens the child within me the most.
But realistically it's something that's going to have to happen at some point of the healing, for me to open up and be me again. Today I went and got a haircut which puts me in a social situation (all be it a comfortable one, due to a long friendship with the stylist). Being with them put me at ease and actually got me to enjoying myself. So now I am thinking, usually we stay in most of the time, but now I'm thinking about taking the wife out for a little while. She deserves a little time out considering she lives with an agoraphobic like me.
I guess the point here is living with up's and down's. So in this life all we can do is work to make the up's out number the down's as we make our way through this jouney.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
While my wife and I had a pretty good time going out Friday, on the way back and for the last two days, I've been just worn out. More than anything the heat has got me beat. I have an assignment to finish Monday evening, but I can't get my mind into it. I have an appointment with my doctor Tuesday, so maybe it's an ear infection again.
Other than that, I feel alright mentally just headaches and poor balance. I think I'll resign myself to doing a little reading and breathing positive thoughts.
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Re: Doing it By the Spoonful
For everyone that follows my crazy, I hope in some way what I post relates and helps you all. With that said, last night I slept pretty well and this morning I got up with 4 assignments that I need to complete by tonight. As you know this weekend I have been out of it both mentally and physically, but this not the first or last time I've put things off till the last minute.
Good news though, I have finished 3 of the 4 assignments, but the last one is the biggest. But this isn't my "first rodeo" and most of the research is done, it's just a matter of putting it together and delivering to my instructor.
As a final thought, the title of this series of posts is doing it by the spoonful, which is the way I take each day. Because a while back, I would have panicked over getting all this work done. Now through my renewed efforts to center and focus myself, I will not tempt fate by saying I found the golden egg (answer to my problems). What I will say is practicing mindfulness has helped me lately more than most other therapies.