Am I depressed or is it genuine problems ?

Hey guys, so I have a long history of health anxiety. It ebbs and wanes. Its always there stalking me though ready to hit me with ‘the fear’ when I I have anxious patches I tend to feel depressed but I don’t think it’s real depression I think it’s a low mood. Then I do something like redecorate my house or garden or get a new pet and it tends to piss off for abit. Lately though I just don’t know. My son has started full time school, he’s gone to a special school that I really had to fight for as he is autistic. I thought it would make me happy having sometime to myself without him here destroying the place or making constant random demands but it seems since he’s gone to school I just fall back into bed a lot of days and sleep the day away then wake up and he’s due home in an hour or 2 or sit tapping my feet all day googling bizarre symptoms, it’s like im having a mini breakdown somedays. Then he comes home and I try and act normal. I want to break up with my partner soooooo badly. I think I hate him. We are very different people. I think if we didn’t have our son we wouldn’t of lasted the 6 years we have. I just feel utterly cold towards him really. It’s funny because we can still have a sort of laugh together but I feel nothing for him at same time apart from when he annoys me and all my old bitterness towards him rises. He’s a very shouty, confrontational person and I never used to be. Now I have a reputation with people for being confrontational, rude and blunt… he’s obviously rubbed off on me somehow. I’m soooo easily irritated. I feel irritated by him, the weather, my house, the kids, the dog ect ect. I just feel suffocated honestly. I used to be a dancer I used to go on holiday all the time I was a free spirit, it was just me and my daughter who was such an easygoing, sunny child. Albeit I was crippled with anxiety now and then but I still did it all! Now since Iv met him and had my son. I feel like Iv been nailed to the cross sometimes never to be free again. I do love my son, his cheeky little face makes me laugh so much, he’s so crazy and naughty that at times he’s hilarious but he never stops, he doesn’t even sleep well at night, every day is a demolition derby with him. I know he can’t help it but sometimes I look at him and think oh my god I can’t stand you or ur father. Then I feel bad because I can stand my baby I love him to bits so why do I get these bad thoughts? I don’t think people like me are supposed to be parents. There are people out there desperate for a baby who can’t have one and then people like me get blessed with them, I know it’s not fair, motherhood comes so easy to some people but not to me. I had my first child at just turned 20 and if I’m honest I used to palm her off every weekend whilst I went to work….And I loved it no point lying. I didn’t get that instant rush of love either ? It took a while with her I was proud of her because she was/is a very attractive child and she was complemented all the time but that rush of love didn’t come till later, I do love her fiercely even though she’s now bigger than me 🤣 With my son I fell instantly in love with him. I couldn’t bear to parted from him as a baby literally didn’t want him to leave my eyesight. It was very different but as he’s got older I feel broken with worry and the feeling of being suffocated. I worry about his future all the time and what will happen to him if me and his dad died. Both family’s are pretty useless when it comes to the youngest. The only person who will watch him is my sister and that is literally for an hour. So different to my eldest child. I had to fight off the babysitting offers but obviously with him people don’t want their houses getting trashed and having to deal with non-verbal meltdowns ect. I don’t even know the point of my post really I’m just rambling on abit because I can’t sleep. Just wondering peoples thoughts on the depression thing. Like is it depression or are these just normal things and feelings that people go through ?

It can be both, y'know?

It doesn't matter whether or not other people go through this stuff, what matters is whether you're coping.

It's okay to ask for support if you're struggling.

It's really hard having a child with autism. I've had 2 who are now in their thirties. I find your posts incredibly refreshing and honest, Sar. I don't take any cr*p either.

I think you're exhausted, angry and depressed. Why wouldn't you be? I'm glad your little boy has got his school placement but having time to yourself can open up a can of worms and give other issues an opportunity to flood in. Why not talk to your doctor? The anger/irritability could well be an indication of depression as could disrupted sleep/needing to sleep to block out thoughts.

Why not make an appointment? See what the doctor says? x

Hiya Pul Iv just woke up 🤣 Iv read the backlash of my reply to that infuriating woman. I find myself utterly uncaring. Sometimes I read posts and they touch me as I can identify with them as I have terrible anxiety and I have spiralled oh god how I have spiralled. Do you u know the bizarre things I used to do before I would go to sleep. Like leaving all food low down on the sides ect as I KNEW I was going to die in my sleep and I didn’t want my at the time young daughter to starve with my corpse…. But at some point despite what certain members on here say… you have to ‘get a grip’ How old where ur kids when they first spoke ? There’s no signs yet apart from baby babble, he doesn’t even point. God I’m sat here with tears dripping down my face at the thought of him being a vulnerable adult and getting picked on. I’m not usually so helpless feeling. I think I might move house. My sister and dad live in a small town next to Liverpool. I might move from Liverpool to the town and see if I feel more supported. Yes I’m definitely going to see the doctor I suspect I need the help of some ADs at this point. I keep being offered cbt but I would like some talking therapy like counselling I feel I would benefit from that. Anyway how are you feeling today ? Xxx

Hello Sar..I'm sure you could get Counselling for Depression via IAPT services on the NHS. You don't even need a GP referral. Yes please make a GP appt for an AD assessment though? I've found they help with the depression but it's down to me for the anxiety stuff!!

My son spoke at about 4 and my daughter was 5+. She just used to growl at me and certainly didn't point. Just used me as a mechanical object to get what she wanted! No comprehension of language either. She went to a special school for autistic children. Her speech is now normal. She was a nightmare as a baby and was totally uncontrollable as a toddler. I had so many awful comments from people and just used to say that she was brain damaged! That shut them up!

Don't think about the future..Who knows how he will progress at the right school. I never thought my daughter would talk or read but she has.

Have a think about moving and how practical that would be..but do make that GP appointment?

Hi pul! Yes that’s what he does ! I am a mechanical object to get to what he wants. He pushes and pulls me towards what he wants and then stares at me like ‘well hurry up’ 🤣 he squeals, coos, growls and hysterically laughs. He’s very noisy for someone who cannot talk bless him. He’s the noisiest person I know. I think a diagnosis for ADHD will come aswell for him. As I said he is relentless. When people stare at him carrying on I get quite confrontational and demand to know what they are looking at 🤦🏻*♀️ I need to work on that. I am deffo going to ring gp I did ring when I woke up but when you ring past 8.30 you haven’t got a prayer ! My doctors only seem to do on the day appointments. However I shall get up in morning on time to ring them. I probably should go the gym or something people tell me about these endorphins you get from it. I have never got any happy feelings from exercise 🤣 I absolutely despise the gym from my brief encounters with it but I deffo should try it again. I do enjoy swimming so perhaps I shall take that up again. I think with my son going to school Iv sort of got free rein to lose my shit. Whereas when he was home with me all the time I had to hold myself together. I definitely need to help myself! Thankyou for your kind words aswell it’s good to know I haven’t rubbed someone up the wrong way with my words haha x

Sar, I know this might seem a little odd to say, but do you think you might be having a bit of separation anxiety from your son? I do think P is right and having time for yourself after so long not having any can open up a can of worms.

I will say, don't rush into any decisions about leaving your partner, moving house etc just at the mo. The way you're feeling right now might be clouding your opinions (of course, it might not), I know that with myself, my mental health has definitely affected how I feel about my husband/home/everyone else at times.

Certainly not with me! I have never got any happy feelings from exercise either and neither has my daughter. Quite the opposite. If you enjoy swimming then maybe think about getting back to that during the school term when you can pick a quiet time? I think for me getting a punch bag would be more of an option!:D

It's definitely a matter of having the patience of a saint with an autistic child. "Relentless" certainly sums it up and it takes its toll mentally and physically. When you're on your own emotionally with it it's even harder and people don't get it. They will never get it because they've never experienced it so it's not their fault. It's taken me years not to get angry about this. You're so deeply involved and your world revolves around it. With your own MH issues to contend with as well it's a matter of survival at all costs. Your boy is lucky to have you fighting his cause...because you love him and you care despite what you say about your parenting skills xx

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Originally Posted by Catkins

Sar, I know this might seem a little odd to say, but do you think you might be having a bit of separation anxiety from your son? I do think P is right and having time for yourself after so long not having any can open up a can of worms.

I will say, don't rush into any decisions about leaving your partner, moving house etc just at the mo. The way you're feeling right now might be clouding your opinions (of course, it might not), I know that with myself, my mental health has definitely affected how I feel about my husband/home/everyone else at times.

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I didn't know what to do with myself when my daughter started school. It was awful..Hours of free time and I was lost.

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Originally Posted by Catkins

Sar, I know this might seem a little odd to say, but do you think you might be having a bit of separation anxiety from your son? I do think P is right and having time for yourself after so long not having any can open up a can of worms.

I will say, don't rush into any decisions about leaving your partner, moving house etc just at the mo. The way you're feeling right now might be clouding your opinions (of course, it might not), I know that with myself, my mental health has definitely affected how I feel about my husband/home/everyone else at times.

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Perhaps, I suppose I never thought of that seperation anxiety ? I don’t feel like I miss him when he’s at school (I know that sounds terrible) I do find when his taxi pulls up outside I plaster a huge smile on and run out to him and give him a big hug and carry him jabbering nonsense to him. Maybe I have deep down. To be fair being with him causes anxiety aswell his behaviours are nothing short of bizarre at times. Lots of sensory seeking and generally doing things that will be harmful to his health. I have Chubb locks on all the doors in the house. In the summer he took to escaping from the house and diving on to the bonnet of my car and then scrambling up onto the roof if it and bouncing like it was a trampoline…. Always bloody naked aswell. Luckily the neighbours think he’s hilarious 🙄 he managed to break a panel in the fence and got into my neighbours hot tub naked and took lots of handfuls of grass in there as an added measure. She’s always trying to lure my cat into her house so I don’t feel any guilt to be fair. Just very embarrassing. I’m not going to dump my partner yet I will try and reassess how I feel in a little while. I do think if I split with him I would have to move just for the sake of a clean break. He has slept on sofa for months. It’s a strange one. Thanks for replying means a lot x

Bizarre becomes the norm with autism, doesn't it? The school will be able to cope as they have loads of staff. It's just you at home..No wonder you are knackered. No breaks/weekends/ holidays to recover..

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Originally Posted by pulisa

Certainly not with me! I have never got any happy feelings from exercise either and neither has my daughter. Quite the opposite. If you enjoy swimming then maybe think about getting back to that during the school term when you can pick a quiet time? I think for me getting a punch bag would be more of an option!:D

It's definitely a matter of having the patience of a saint with an autistic child. "Relentless" certainly sums it up and it takes its toll mentally and physically. When you're on your own emotionally with it it's even harder and people don't get it. They will never get it because they've never experienced it so it's not their fault. It's taken me years not to get angry about this. You're so deeply involved and your world revolves around it. With your own MH issues to contend with as well it's a matter of survival at all costs. Your boy is lucky to have you fighting his cause...because you love him and you care despite what you say about your parenting skills xx

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Hello Pul, God Iv got tears dribbling down my face I really do need to pull myself together. Tiny things causing me to burst into tears. Funny enough it’s not things that should make me upset it’s like random acts of kindness or nice words that make me cry 🤷🏻*♀️ Isn’t exercise awful… my friend asked me did I want to climb up snowdonia the other day… honestly it’s like she doesn’t know me at all. Why on earth would I want to walk for bloody hours in the freezing cold. Absolutely not no. Also what am I supposed to do with the child. There’s no way I’m taking him up a mountain he would probably run away to live with the mountain goats 🙄 Yea I’m deffo going to give swimming a crack although I will have to wear one of those awful caps because Iv had blond balayage added to my hair and I’m sure chlorine isn’t good for it ? My problem (that I’m sure has become apparent recently 🤣) is I do not have the patience of a saint… or very much at all. I have to go against my instincts every day to parent him. I have never met a child like him although I do take comfort that I’m not alone when I speak to other parents with kids with asd. I absolutely despise people who ask me what his talent is. Some people seem to think all people with autism are like the rainman… not realising that some people with autism have serious learning difficulties. Or people who say ‘oh we are all a little bit autistic’. No… no we are not! Makes me want to throat chop them. You are right though about the anger it’s not peoples fault because they don’t understand, I never understood till I did. I just need to put a cap on the anger that’s bubbling up in me recently. Xx

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Originally Posted by Sar89

Hello Pul, God Iv got tears dribbling down my face I really do need to pull myself together. Tiny things causing me to burst into tears. Funny enough it’s not things that should make me upset it’s like random acts of kindness or nice words that make me cry 路*♀️ Isn’t exercise awful… my friend asked me did I want to climb up snowdonia the other day… honestly it’s like she doesn’t know me at all. Why on earth would I want to walk for bloody hours in the freezing cold. Absolutely not no. Also what am I supposed to do with the child. There’s no way I’m taking him up a mountain he would probably run away to live with the mountain goats  Yea I’m deffo going to give swimming a crack although I will have to wear one of those awful caps because Iv had blond balayage added to my hair and I’m sure chlorine isn’t good for it ? My problem (that I’m sure has become apparent recently 🤣) is I do not have the patience of a saint… or very much at all. I have to go against my instincts every day to parent him. I have never met a child like him although I do take comfort that I’m not alone when I speak to other parents with kids with asd. I absolutely despise people who ask me what his talent is. Some people seem to think all people with autism are like the rainman… not realising that some people with autism have serious learning difficulties. Or people who say ‘oh we are all a little bit autistic’. No… no we are not! Makes me want to throat chop them. You are right though about the anger it’s not peoples fault because they don’t understand, I never understood till I did. I just need to put a cap on the anger that’s bubbling up in me recently. Xx

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Rainman's got a lot to answer for! Your boy sounds like a little dynamo with limitless batteries..which all adds up to sheer exhaustion and burn out. Is respite care an option? It's not for everyone and not possible for everyone but the school may offer some sort of overnight/respite care package?

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Originally Posted by pulisa

Bizarre becomes the norm with autism, doesn't it? The school will be able to cope as they have loads of staff. It's just you at home..No wonder you are knackered. No breaks/weekends/ holidays to recover..

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And yea bizarre does become the norm. His behaviour has become a family joke I’m always getting sent funny meme pictures and videos like look Sarah it’s the baby 🤣 the school are great to be fair they are so good with him. His nursery was too it was mainstream though and they where hopelessly out of their depth with him behaviour wise but they where so helpful with the battle to get him all the therapies and ehcp in place and a place in a suitable school.
You know what it sounds awful but I despise the weekends sometimes they just seem to go on foreverrrr. I get used to it when it’s school holidays and I have to say on actual holiday he’s fantastic he’s got a real joy de vivre towards life he just goes through full throttle and lives for the moment… I love that about him. The joy he takes in things. On holiday he’s the happiest little boy ever. He loves the water and he’s just in it all holiday. He especially loves the sea but he does treat the sand like an all you can eat buffet so you have to be careful with that lol. When the sun is shining that boy is straining to go outside he’s a real nature boy x

You love your boy wholeheartedly, there's absolutely no doubt about that. Transitioning from school day to weekend is always tricky. You do get used to the continuity of school holidays. My 2 both miss the routine of a school day and predictability.

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Originally Posted by pulisa

You love your boy wholeheartedly, there's absolutely no doubt about that. Transitioning from school day to weekend is always tricky. You do get used to the continuity of school holidays. My 2 both miss the routine of a school day and predictability.

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How would you say their lives are now Pulisa ? Are they independent of you or would you classify them as vulnerable ? I don’t know how you coped with two of them. If I had 2 of r baby I would be carted off to nuthouse… also I probably wouldn’t have a house left either 🙄 😚

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Originally Posted by pulisa

Rainman's got a lot to answer for! Your boy sounds like a little dynamo with limitless batteries..which all adds up to sheer exhaustion and burn out. Is respite care an option? It's not for everyone and not possible for everyone but the school may offer some sort of overnight/respite care package?

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that’s him.. the Duracell bunny. I don’t know to be honest it’s never been suggested to me xx

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Originally Posted by Sar89

How would you say their lives are now Pulisa ? Are they independent of you or would you classify them as vulnerable ? I don’t know how you coped with two of them. If I had 2 of r baby I would be carted off to nuthouse… also I probably wouldn’t have a house left either  

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They both still live at home. Different challenges now as adults. I did actually end up in a psych hospital when my daughter was 4 and again at 6. She was actually banned from visiting me as she was so wild!My son was born with missing bits and pieces and spent a lot of time in Great Ormond Street. It's not been easy but I'm still standing as is the house albeit battle-scarred!:D

She sounds just like my Stephen. You would think he had been raised by chimps. He is for want of a better word feral 🤣 I’m looking at him now sleeping peacefully looking so cute with his soft little cheeks and it’s hard to believe what a menace he can be. He will probably wake up at around 2am ready to start his day I’m very suspicious that he took himself off to bed at 9.30pm that’s him either sick of waking up in the wee hours. That’s us but with alder hey! My daughter had a few issues over the years.. severe sleep apnea, an extra finger on each hand that needed to be removed, the tonsils removing then she had a socking great tumour removed from her ovary last November along with the ovary and tube itself poor love she’s only 11. Then all his appointments it’s like a second bloody home. They do a great job the kids hospitals don’t they though. Completely different environment to adult hospitals xx

Oh my goodness! Your poor baby girl!

You've certainly been through the mill, Sarah. I have great respect and admiration for you and all that you say on here. I have a Stephen too and he had a missing thumb when he was born so one was "made" for him from his index finger. He was born without an oesophagus too so i didn't have a lot to contribute to the post natal group about feeding!! He has Vater's syndrome which I think is now known as Vacterl anomaly and his stomach is now at the back of his throat.

My daughter was feral but now is completely the opposite. The shoe shop owner kindly used to close the shop when she went in for a fitting because she was so wild. You wouldn't believe it now.

These experiences are dreadful but they give you resilience and strength. You have to get a grip because no one else will get a grip for you. The meds and therapy package only takes you so far. The "grip" gives you power.

She’s fine now blueiris… she’s more or less reached the teenage years. Now she just grunts at me, I only see her when she wants food or money. Her Xbox, phone, youth club and friends are farrrrr more interesting than mummy these days 🤣

Oh goodness Pulisa a missing thumb! You don’t realise how important thumbs are. You really do need them for everything ! I will be honest I have never heard of his condition which I’m surprised about with the amount of googling Iv done over the years! Poor boy sounds like he’s been through the mill! Can he eat normally now ? That’s so nice of the shoe shop man. I dread taking Stephen anywhere like that. It looks like the luftwaffe have flew over it when he’s finished �� your words really give me hope for his future Thankyou so much xx

You really can't predict the future at 5. What you don't want is the quiet, withdrawn and shut down little boy who withdraws into his own world and is non-responsive. Your Stephen doesn't sound like that at all. You may find that when he develops language that it comes quickly and you'll look back on those pre-speech days with amazement.

I think you should make the most of his school years. He'll have routine, predictability and a team of experts around him to guide him..and you..My 2 would go back to school at the drop of a hat!

Yes he’s definitely not withdrawn nor quiet… he’s rather bombastic �� I suppose he will be who he’s meant to be in the end. Thankyou for the support Pulisa it’s been really encouraging xx

Not at all. You sound like a wonderful mum. Don't let anyone get you down? The important thing is that you take care of yourself and keep yourself as mentally afloat as possible because your life is tough. You sound as if you won't take any nonsense though which is awesome! xx

Ha yeah that’s me take no prisoners 🤣 I’m ok I just need to sleep better really that’s probably a main problem. I know exactly what I do because it’s a battle to get him to sleep when I do eventually get him down I stay up for hours for that me time but then he goes to school now so I don’t need to actually do that. Plus I seem to be a bit of an insomniac anyway (always have been) I struggle to sleep near the baby because I think my Body is on high alert for the screaming that’s sure to come in the dead of night 🤣xx

My brother is autistic. Was diagnosed around age 2. Wild was an understatement. He would run one end of the house to the other and bounce off closet doors…strip the elastic strings from his socks…hang upside down off furniture. We got lucky in our school system and it did wonders for him. He started to develop speech around 5-6 but was very limited.

he’s now 35 and in a day program, still lives at home with my mom. He’s advanced much farther than the doctors ever thought he would but he won’t ever be high enough functioning to live on his own. Communication is much better but still broken short sentences. He does love doing his jobs at his day center though and he’s just overall very happy.

it will get better once you get past these first wild years!!

"High functioning" autism sounds like a "better" outcome but this is not the case for my 2. Happiness/contentment with life is so important.

I always suspect that’s what Stephen will be like. Unable to live independently. If I’m completely honest that thought kills me for purely selfish reasons. However the most important thing is his happiness and I just want him to be happy. Ha yeah sounds like him alright. He woke up this morning and started bouncing on end of bed naked (4.30am) screeching with laughter. He’s nuts 🤣 he does make me laugh though because he’s so wild. My sister calls him Dobby the free elf ! X

I agree I just want him to have what he considers a good life. An enjoyable one x

There will be supported living options for you though, Sarah but that's many years away. I'm sure you will be offered respite care packages as well now that he is at school and "in the system". If you want this of course. Just to catch up on sleep if nothing else and to give your daughter a break too. Maybe the school has a parents' support group?

How are you doing, Sarah? You mentioned in another thread that you were going to think about getting a hobby? Have you got any ideas? I know it's hard to even think about your own interests when life just takes over and I certainly haven't got a hobby myself but maybe you've got something in mind which would help you get a break from the day to day grind?

Hey pulisa sorry for (very late) reply Iv only just seen this message. I joined the gym a few days ago. Iv yet to step foot in it but I have paid for the membership 🤣 the kids are off school so it’s a bit difficult this week anyway finding the time to go. How are you x

Half term is a just a write off when it comes to finding time for yourself to go anywhere! There will be plenty of opportunities to go to the gym after this week. Was it something you wanted to do or did you feel you needed to do something to help yourself feel better?

I'm ok. Every day is a bit of a minefield with my 2 so I always tread very carefully if possible!:D Don't always succeed though! x

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Originally Posted by pulisa

Half term is a just a write off when it comes to finding time for yourself to go anywhere! There will be plenty of opportunities to go to the gym after this week. Was it something you wanted to do or did you feel you needed to do something to help yourself feel better?

I'm ok. Every day is a bit of a minefield with my 2 so I always tread very carefully if possible!:D Don't always succeed though! x

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Hey pulisa sorry I don’t get bloody notifications when someone replies to me I have to actively check it… well it’s Saturday and the house is still standing 🤣 he’s actually asleep now he had a very busy time in granddads dismantling his bed. Grandad wasn’t particularly impressed I have to say so we made a speedy exit ! How’s it going on the home front with yours ? X

My son is a natural demolition man! Not intentionally but it just comes naturally to him!

It's been a tricky week but what's new!

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Originally Posted by pulisa

My son is a natural demolition man! Not intentionally but it just comes naturally to him!

It's been a tricky week but what's new!

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Ha I get you I have the miniature version here. He’s currently trying to fight off his melotonin watching water slides in corfu on YouTube 🤣 it’s his new thing now. I will be glad of Monday when that taxi turns up I tell you x

I never had much success with melotonin for my daughter. I'm sure you will have many new "things" in the future!! They are never run of the mill though in my experience!

I remember the relief of seeing that taxi on a Monday morning! Take care though, Sarah..Having some time to yourself after a school holiday can be difficult as it's not easy to just turn off that high alert button when you hand them over to school xx

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Originally Posted by pulisa

I never had much success with melotonin for my daughter. I'm sure you will have many new "things" in the future!! They are never run of the mill though in my experience!

I remember the relief of seeing that taxi on a Monday morning! Take care though, Sarah..Having some time to yourself after a school holiday can be difficult as it's not easy to just turn off that high alert button when you hand them over to school xx

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Well I start training for work on Monday. It’s online. I have a job working in Manchester airport. (What a time to start working In airport) 🤣 he’s woke up rather out of sorts, one minute he’s laughing his little head off next min he just stops mid laugh and burst into tears and tantrums. Me and his dad think he’s entering the terrible 2s of his emotional development 🤨 however development is great. Just wish he would stop actions like pre-menstrual teenage girl 🤣🤣🤣