-
My Diary
I should really have kept a diary all along. I've decided to start one now, so that I can see more clearly what progress I'm making.
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 3/10
Stress 8/10
Hasn't really been too bad a day by my standards. I normally wake up with my mrs at about 6.45 and go round to hers so that she can have a shower there. We've talked and decided that it isn't working because I feel grim all day after getting up at that time. So, this morning she went round on her own and I stayed in bed. She then called me when it was time for me to pick her up and take her to work. I couldn't really sleep any more, but it was a break from the routine and it was a slightly more relaxing way to start the day.
After I'd dropped her and her brother off at work (I'm resenting dropping him off at the moment because it's well out of my way and he used to play for my football team, but he messed me about- I've considered asking him for petrol money, but I can imagine the mother in law turning round and saying how much she's paid for our wedding and that's the least we could do for her...... so I'm not being very assertive, I know). Anyway, after I'd dropped them off at work I went for a bit of a swim and a sauna.
I then got my hair cut. The hairdresser asked if he'd taken enough off and I asked him to do a bit more (assertiveness brownie points!). I did feel a bit unwell sat in the chair though for some reason.
After that I came back and picked my gran up and took her shopping for food for my brother's wedding tomorrow. I do find trudging round with someone (esp. shopping) one of the most depressing experiences and it makes my body feel really heavy. I did try and lift myself by using a bit of initiative and going off on my own for things.
After that I met my fiancee for lunch. I wasn't going to because I had a lot to do today and because I'm concerned about spending too much, but she's made a really big effort recently to control her temper and put me first, so I agreed to meet her. The waitress brought out the wrong thing and rather than just accept it, I explained that it wasn't what I'd ordered...more assertiveness brownie points.
I am a bit concerned that it's my brother's wedding tomorrow and I'm best man that I haven't finished my speech yet.
I'm also annoyed that my dad had a heart attack about 3 months ago and, after doing really well at not smoking, he's now back on them again. I've got him self-help books from the library, but he's not interested in reading them.
I'm also a bit concerned about all the different fractions of my family coming together tomorrow. My mum and dad split up about 17 years ago. My fiancee doesn't really get on with my dad and his mrs. I've had a bit of a fall out with my other gran. The bride to be has social anxiety (I thinK) and needs to get hammered before being with people!!!!
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
I've been writing a best man speech over the last couple of days. I've been best man once before and the speech part of it went great. I do wonder though, because I can be very slovenly, lethargic and lazy, whether I summon up adrenaline to get a bit of life and urgency into myself, but that I get too much or I can't handle it, because I get hysterical with it.
I've had this throughout my life. When I had french lessons at school I used to really work myself up so that my palms were clammy and I was practically hyper-ventilating.
Anyway, my speech. I'm trying to get out of a lose-lose mentality about it. I could be perfectionist and spend weeks on it, asking family members for anecdotes, or I could do a half-arsed, last-minute job and copy and paste it off the internet. Either way, I'd never feel satisfied with myself.
I'm trying something a bit different this time. I'm not getting too worked up about it, because I know that it is only going to be close family there anyway and they'd support me whatever my speech was like and, besides, most speeches go down well even if it's just nervous laughter.
I've done 3 pages. I've made it a bit personal. I'm not being offensive. It's quite a nice speech.
I'm not dreading the day like I might have done in the past. I feel ok. Not super confident, but quietly confident. I have organised groups of people that I have never met before with my sports teams and I know that I'm not as scared of people as i used to be. I don't even feel like I need to take beta blockers.
Ok, I don't feel physically brilliant. But I have felt much, much worse than this. Tomorrow, will be another important step in my recovery. I'm positive.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Wow, you have been busy and have done very well in my opinion!
Try to relax and enjoy yourself tomorrow. Hope it all goes well!
Kate
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 5/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6.5/10
My uncle wouldn't make a speech at his only daughter's wedding because of fear. The landlord of my local pub now won't go abroad again because of his fear of flying. My mrs's auntie's mum died because she was too scared to have treatment for cancer.
Atleast I am prepared to face my fears. I'd love to be the sort of person that goes and climbs Everest on my week off (and I put a lot of pressure on myself for not being like that), but, given the disadvantage that I have, I'm doing really, really well. Making a speech at my brother's wedding today is my Everest.
I've just been watching GMTV and they have shown lots of holiday destinations, the weather... the concept of the world and it's vastness makes me feel very anxious. I'd love to go to 'paradise', but actually doing it fills me with dread and tension. There was an advert for a museum in Yorkshire and even that made me feel depressed, the thought being 'I wouldn't be able to have fun there, I'd feel sick and anxious....I won't ever be able to have fun anywhere!' I know that that is a prime example of faulty thinking.
I also think 'everyone else can go where they like and have a good time...I'm not normal...I'm never going to get better'. I know too that thinking like that isn't factually accurate and keeps me trapped in a state of depression.
Th facts are that I am feeling a lot better than I have done. I don't hyperventilate or have full blown panic attacks like I used to. I don't have the urge to hurt myself as strongly as i used to. I don't use rescue remedy as much as I used to. I've met a lot more people recently whom I am developing relationships with. I don't feel as unreal as i used to. I have a long term plan now. I know myself much better and I know the faulty thinking that I need to try and replace and I have a better idea of how to do it. I don't use drugs or drink to excess like I used to. I have got back into playing sport again. I have more interest in learning again. I want to beat my fears. I am trying to proactively relax. I don't dread things as much as I used to. I don't worry about little things as much as I used to. I am becoming stronger every day!!
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 8/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression8/10
Confidence 3/10
Relaxation 2/10
Stress 8/10
It's a funny pattern that I've noticed, after doing something good and feeling strong I feel awful again. Yesterday I was best man at my brother's wedding and I fulfilled my duties without being too nervous at all. I didn't even drink that much either. But then today I have felt terrible with depression and panic again. We were sat in the pub having breakfast at about lunch time and I felt more panicky than I have done in a long time- sweaty palms, tight chest.
I could put it down to eating much later in the day than I normally do, the stress of the previous day or the four pints I had at night.
It had annoyed me that two of my uncles had been laughing about me being scared of motorways, bridges, flying.... anything slightly challenging or dangerous. It wouldn't be worth me even trying to explain how I feel to them so I tried to laugh it off.
I haven't been feeling great though. I've felt really weighed down with depression, really tired and lethargic. I've also had disturbing thoughts such as thinking about what I am actually made of and then realising how fallible I am or worrying about finding myself about to take my own life.
I do keep trying to step out of it and seeing the faulty thinking. Even though I'm trying to be more assertive I know that I still let other people impose their expectations on to me- uncles and aunties might mock me and ask what the point of me going to University is if all I'm going to do is stack tins of beans. It does really infuriate me actually. People that I might only see a couple of times a year feeling that they have the right to judge me.
The reason that it especially annoys me is because I don't know what to say to them to rebuff their comments, I'd probably end up being offensive and I don't want another black mark against my character. So, the only way I know how to react is to think 'I'll show them!' and all that really does is to heap more pressure on myself. I suppose what I really should do is to point out the positive things that I am already doing, such as building a website, volunteering and helping the mayor with a major funraising project. They would probably come out with something like 'Yeah, but is it paying? Is it going to lead to a job?'- and so it would go on, them never really being impressed.
The way I percieve things is that I'm the son of the black sheep of the family and even though I'm smart and I've been to University, because of my faults I am the black sheep, but only with less charm than my dad.
i don't know why I let it bother me. They're not people that I especially care about. They don't really know me that well. Infact, they probably don't even have an opnion on me and all this stuff is in my own head.
I know that I'm a people-pleaser and that i want everyone to like me and be impressed by me, but my depression and anxiety repels people, which makes me even more depressed and anxious.
I know that I need to relax and that I need to do things for myself, not because of other people.
There were positives last night too. My fiancee has always had a fraught relationship with my gran, my dad and his missus. It's her time of the month (which is always bad), plus there has been the stress of my brother's wedding, but she's been magnificent. She's had a brilliant attitude and she's been buying rounds of drinks for my family, having a laugh and a joke with them and it's been excellent.
Personally, I helped to lay the buffet out last night- normally I wouldn't because I'd be afraid of getting told off for doing something wrong..... that is where I really lack confidence.... I'm 30 for christ's sake, get a grip!! And today, I put all the clothes that needed returning back in their packaging..... normally I would leave them lying around for days or expect someone else to do it.
A couple of observations. There are lots of people that I have noticed who I feel are much more negative thinkers than myself: my fiancee for one is
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
I'll try and keep this post short as I don't want to crash the site. I guess that I feel about 7 out of 10 real and it's the not quite feeling real that is causing me a lot of problems. When I'm driving I think 'what would happen if I crashed my car?'. Because I don't feel totally real it's harder for me to think of my actions having consequences.
I feel like I've hit a bit of a plateau with a number of my projects. It's like me to feel like throwing in the towel as soon as the learning curve levels out, so it's a bit of a testing time for me. My girls football team is coming on nicely (after a row about the number of deaf girls that one player was bringing), the netball team is doing pretty well, the lads football teams need a bit of work- the first team had a ten match unbeaten run, but players are away on holiday and I've had to call players up from the second team. Basically, I need 18 players there every week if possible and a lot are not turning up, so I'm scrambling to get a team together and we're short on match fees. I've decided to get both teams together before the first match and to invite 20 players. I know there are 2 who don't really mind not playing, so if everyone turns up I'm still covered.
Anyway, I suppose my point is that being proactive and trying to get things done can be very frustrating because of human nature. You will always find people who unsettle the group or want to put their needs first. There are always people who promise to come and then never do. It is very frustrating, but I suppose that the bright side is that, at the end of the day, I'll have several groups of people who I know will turn up every time and who are easy to work with.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 7/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
I feel like I'm finally getting to the root of why I've been depressed for so long. The person that I want to be is confident, charming, assertive, brave.... I'm depressed/ frustrated because I feel so far away from the person that I want to be.
I feel like I do let people walk over me too easily but, because I lack assertiveness skills, if I was to try and assert myself it would be in an aggressive, unconvincing and brash way. I think it would probably do me some good to go to assertiveness classes.
The mistake that I often make is to look at people who are pushy or overbearing and think that that is how I need to act to be able to assert my authority. I know that I don't like the behaviour myself, but I begin to feel that it must be acceptable and that people may actually begrudgingly admire it. That's where I start to get confused and my behaviour becomes erraritic.
I also wonder whether I'm mentally weak for suffering from depression and anxiety for so long or whether I'm mentally strong for not letting it beat me or giving up because of it.
I'm constantly looking for role models, people that I admire to see what I should be doing and how I should be leading my life. It can be very difficult to find people to admire though. The good thing about being associated with my local gym is that the people who go there are more likely to be more motivated than the avaerage person and I have met people who are really active and love to push themselves and it's been a bit of an inspiration.
When I was really ill and I had urges to hurt myself I used to wonder 'what's stopping me?'. It's really scary because you feel like you don't have control of yourself and you have these urges.... I know now that those urges were just phantoms and that I DID actually have control of myself. I've been thinking that maybe my self-preservation instinct is too strong. The reason that I don't want to fly or go far from home is because I fear something happening to me. It's the same reason that I put up barriers to stop people getting close to me. I need to accept that there are dangers in life and that I'll have to deal with whatever comes my way. I can't have total control over life. The way to have fun is to take risks... relax and let go.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 7/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 7/10
While I was waiting for my mrs to get ready for work this morning GMTV was on. The reason that I mention it is because I've kind of been looking for role models, because I struggle with who I am, what I want out of life, what I'm interested in, the tone I take with people, my attitude. Ben Shephard was on and I thought 'I could see him being a really good mate. He'd be supportive, he'd really be up for things, he's very grounded, charming, smart, fun, unflappable.' I don't know whether I imagined I had him encouraging me or whether I imagined that I was seeing the world through his eyes, but I did feel more confident and that the world is an opportunity rather than a threat.
I went swimming and, if I felt a bit anxious, I was saying to myself 'Ben Shephard, Ben Shephard'!!!
I know that I do need to be my own person, but it's great to have more of an idea about the person that I want to be. I used to work with Matt Brown, who presents ITV2's coverage of Love Island and he's very much the same sort of person- really friendly and 'attractive'. no nastiness at all, not interested in celebrity parties, drugs or sleeping around. Really stable, really positive attitude. They are just the sort of Role models that I need because my ideal used to be the 'Primrose Hill set': promiscuity (I wish!), arrogance, excess, superficiality.
I'm only 30, so this might sound a bit wierd too, but Noel Edmonds has been a bit of an inspiration. Not neccessarily his beard and jumpers, but the fact that he has been his own person. He's had good instinct and business sense. The things that I really admire are that he had the courage and drive to learn how to fly a helicopter, that he had the strength to come through the break up of his marriage, that he is clear-headed and confident enough to take a year out from his comeback show Deal or No deal to go back backing around Australia! Brilliant! It takes so much courage to rise like a phoenix and then to turn your back on it, knowing that you can do it again! I also admire how he's been open enough to learn about cosmic ordering and committed to his beliefs.
He was quoted as saying "I've had some real lows, but my positive attitude has seen me through".
I didn't really think I was that negative, I've always tried to be constructive, but Noel's comment and the definition of confidence, which I read today 'the expectation of a positive outcome' have made me think.
I was sat in the sauna thinking 'Why am I so scared of everything?'. Well, I think the way in which I am negative isn't so much that I try and pull people down all the time (although I am often guilty of that too) it's more that I don't have confidence- I expect negative outcomes. If I'm driving I expect a crash, if I was to go into a casino I would expect to lose.
It's all psychological. The article that I was reading about confidence talked about a number of experiments that have been conducted. In one people were split into two groups, one labelled high achievers, the other low achievers..... they went on to fulfil their labels.
I think it's part of British culture. Our sports teams are so ineffective because they are short on confidence. I don't believe that the English football team were convinced that they were going to win the World Cup. We lose on penalties every time because we expect a negative outcome. It has happened so may times before that it is now what we are trained to expect.
One last thing. I'm learning that I don't have to compare myself to other people so much. I learned yesterday that a lad that I have come to know is going to live in Spain for a little while. It piqued my anxiety because my immediate thought was 'I couldn't even go on holiday, there is no way that I could go and live in another country. I wish I could though'. I then start berating myself for being weird, weak or cowardly. The lad in question is actually quite confident. I can't compare myself to him, I'm at a major dis
-
I'm sick of being so scared and anxious.
I've just been on a site where it challenges you to trek Everest. I suppose I'm presuming that most people would find that easy or something that they might be likely to do, but it made me feel sick in my stomach- being so far away from home and so high up. I already feel panicky about all the thousands of miles of world under my feet!!!
I guess before I either wasn't as scared about going abroad or I thought that it was just shut off to me that it didn't seem to bother me so much, but every one seems to be going away at the moment and I'm feeling wound up and frustrated because I don't see how I'm ever going to feel relaxed or comfortable enough to travel the world and it's something that I want to do. If I got to 80 and I'd never had the courage to go very far I'd be so furious and annoyed with myself!!
What I would give to be calm, relaxed and happy!!
I remember a quote from one lady who had terminal cancer and panic/anxiety disorder too "The cancer will kill me one day, but this anxiety takes my life away everyday".
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10
Not feeling too bad today really. It's starting to sink in that all this fear is psychological. I'm realising that I'm thinking too much about self-preservation, about not letting any harm come to me. There is a lad at work who is/was a really good footballer, but he's broken his leg twice playing football and hasn't played again since the second time. Understandably, he's anxious about it happening again. Ok, I don't think that being reckless in neccessarily a good thing either, but you can't let fear beat you like that.
I've never broken a bone or had to have an operation, so that sort of thing is outside my comfort zone. I freak out at the thought of it.
The way to be though, I think, is to relax and accept. It is really hard, but you've got to keep getting back on that horse, crossing that road and stepping out your front door.
I know really that I'm unlikely to come to any harm and that, even if I do, I can handle it. The way that I react to danger is hysterical and is out of all proportions to the 'percieved' threat.
I have felt so much freedom and relief when I've done something that's scared me- that is how I should feel much more often- unburdened, free, relaxed.
I was speaking to a guy in the spa and he's going on a cruise around the Baltic to Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm, St Petersberg. That's what life is about. He's not scared about it at all, he can't wait. he's going to have an amazing time. That's what life's about.
I want to keep pushing my comfort zone. I want to face my fears and realise that they are just phantoms. I want to feel free, relaxed and excited.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 7/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 3/10
Stress 8/10
I'm feeling a little strange today. My body is tense, tired, stiff and achy. My chest feels a little tight. I know that I feel this way because my body is braced for danger. It's very frustrating because I have been proactively trying to relax- I've been having a swim, a sauna and a jacuzzi every morning, I've also been playing sport.
I'm sure that my job has a lot to do with the way that I'm feeling. I get up at about 7.30 am every morning to take my fiancee to work, then I go to the gym, then I spend a couple of hours on the computer before going to work a 2-10 pm shift. I know that I'm pushing myself hard, but I find it hard to relax. If sit around I start to feel anxious that I should be doing something with my time.
On the plus side I'm waking up in a morning feeling a bit more relaxed and comfortable than I have done and I'm getting on with my fiancee much better. I just wish that I could relax more "an anxious mind can't exist in a relaxed body".
I saw a bit of the tv programme "seduction school" last night, where experts taught aesthetically challenged men to be more succesful with women. The first guy took 15 minutes to build up the courage to talk to a girl. "Confidence is the expectation of a positive result". I can relate to how the guy feels. I've never been very good with women, but more generally the issues of fear and confidence. Looking at it from the outside, it's hard to see what the guy's getting himself so worked up about. It's the same with my fears. I have panic attack's a lot when we go to the local pub. I'm not especially scared of the pub, but the atmosphere raises my anxiety levels and that makes my chest feel tight, which then causes me to think about dying and having a heart attack, which causes me to feel panicky.
When I was younger I used to think that cancer, aids and all those diseases would be wiped out by the time I was older. I remember, when I used to take drugs, thinking 'whatever!' if I died. Now, my self-preservation instinct is so strong that even the slightest danger causes me to panic.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 7/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 8/10
Confidence 3/10
Relaxation 3/10
Stress 8/10
Today feels like one of those days that I'm wasting, that I should either be doing overtime, doing something really great socially or relaxing in a different way. I know that that is lose-lose thinking. I've been and played football, we've watched a home movie of a trip to London that we did and we're going to watch some football later on. I just feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that's so frustrating. I know that I feel that way because I'm tense and restless and because I can't settle, but I don't really know how to make the feeling go away.
The people next door are playing dance music. I know that I've always been socially very awkward, but it makes me feel like I've really missed out on my youth. Ok, I've done a bit of clubbing, I've tried drugs, I've been into drinking, I probably haven't had as many sexual partners as I would have liked and I haven't been quite as adventurous as I would have liked....but really what is it that I think I'm missing out on? Maybe I have an idea that most people go out on a weekend, have a great time with their mates, get really drunk and go home with a gorgeous girl, which will last a few months, before they end up with another gorgeous girl. Deep down I know that very few people have that and that the ones that do aren't even especially happy, because they have trouble maintaining relationships.
On a more realistic note, it would be great to have quite a big social circle and to be able to go out and do things with different people- to feel wanted and popular. I am developing relationships with people through my volunteering, but I don't feel like I have a 'gang' or really close mates from it at the moment. On the positive side, I am around much more positive and proactive people at the moment.
I have been feeling quite depressed recently: a dense, swirling feeling in my head, sick in my stomach, tense muscles, negative mood. Watching the movie of our trip back made me want to be sick because I felt very critical of the way that I looked and came across and also because, at the time I had anxiety about motorways, but not about the earth generally and the thought of me now doing that made me feel a bit sick. We watched footage of us on a tour bus and my mrs's cousin said 'I bet those bus drivers get so bored', I was thinking the same thing, but my thoughts progressed to 'I bet the bus drivers feel so depressed' to 'I bet people in London feel so depressed' ....and so on, which made me feel depressed.
I know that I've been depressed most of my life and I don't see why I should be, because I've actually got a lot going for me. It's harder for me to remember times when I was happy. The happiest time of my life was when I first got together with my first girlfriend- I felt like a new person living a new life.
I think that I know the things that are missing in my life. I need to feel purposeful and that I am growing- that's probably going to have to come from a change of job. I need to feel like an important and liked part of a group. I am working on my social life. It would be great to have people saying 'we're going to a restaurant tonight do you fancy joining us' or 'are you coming to the pub tonight' and to have people around who can help me to feel positive and secure. The other thing is to not feel so over awed and intimidated by the world and life. I need to be able to travel and see the world.
I guess I need to keep recognising when my thinking is faulty, keep working on being more positive and more relaxed, keep trying to learn, keep pushing my fears and keep trying to be open. It really is so hard though, because I feel like I'm doing so much and I still feel awful.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 7/10
I'm quite stressed at the moment because the football team that I'm organising is short of players and we've been getting behind with our match fees. I've done almost everything that I can think of to get new players in, including putting notices on my website and noticeboard, getting players to bring their friends and trying to persuade people from work to play. A fe people who have said they were going to come have let me down. I do appreciate though, that about 6 players are either injured or away on holiday, so we'll be fine when they come back.... so I'm trying not to get myself too worked up.
My voluntary work is one of those things where I wonder 'Would I feel better if I didn't have the stress of trying to organise things?', but then, on the flipside I do get satisfaction from organising things, it's quite good for my social life and it's good for my cv. Plus, being the manager of the football team is good for my confidence and assertiveness.
Another stressor/depressor is that every month we run out of money really early. We had a crazy spell when we first got together where we spent a hell of a lot of money and we're certainly paying for it now. I would say that we've learned our lessons about loans and credit cards though and, on the plus side, we're far from the only people in this situation, we're not burying our heads in the sand, we're trying to work it out and (hopefully) we've learned our lesson from it. It's just so hard having to be devious to get money all the time, counting every penny and hoping that you won't run out of petrol on the way home. We're going to work to a strict budget this month, so that should help.
On of the things that causes me a great amount of anxiety and depression is feeling like life is a game that I don't want to play. I feel daunted about the size of the world. I'm trying not to think about what is beneath my feet or all around me and just to concentrate on what I see, but it's so hard as, every so often I get an adrenaline rush and I think 'oh my god'. I'm trying to think like other people think and to either accept the world or to put it out of my mind. I'm trying to enjoy adrenaline, like positive/optimistic people do, the sort of people who get a buzz out of bungee jumping.
Do people who travel all around the world have no fear? How do I lose my fear? I know I have to change my mentality.
I know that one of the biggest faults in my thinking is that I dread most things rather than feeling excited about them. I dreaded my brothers wedding, I even dread going on holiday. There have been days when the sun has been shining, I've been off work and going to play football and I've felt miserable- that is how I would chose to spend an ideal day, so why didn't I feel happy?
I think one of the major things in my life is that I haven't had a job where I feel secure, valued and fulfilled. I also haven't really had a close circle of friends or many interests. How could I not feel more confident and happy if I had those things in my life?
I also keep feeling that I'm drawn to destructive things. I feel tempted to sleep with other women.... I guess most men have that problem too.
I just wish that I was a more calm, positive and happier person. This has been so hard.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
I used to be much more confident that I would live a long life. I used to think that I would get to 75 no problems. I took drugs thinking that I wouldn't die. I think that confident people have that same arrogance.
These days the thought of death (which is an obsession) causes me to feel panicky. Whenever I'm anxious my chest feels tight, which causes me to panic about having a heart attack.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
I feel like confidence is the missing ingredient in my life. The reason that I feel anxious and depressed is because I lack confidence. It's wierd though because consciously I feel like I can do things, but it feels like my subconscious holds me back. It's that little voice of doubt chipping away at me. I guess that comes from my dad and his side of the family being quick to jump on my faults and slow to praise my successes.
Not so long ago I composed a questionairre as part of my voluntary work and spent a lot of time in the gym talking to people and handing them out. I felt like I 'summoned' up the confidence from somewhere to do it because I knew that it was ridiculous to be too shy or anxious to do it and I didn't want it to be a roadblock in the way of my development. The disappointing thing is that I didn't feel 'high' afterwards because I'd beaten my fear, I instead felt rough, like the experience had traumatised me. I get this quite a bit after I do something that scares me, which is really annoying and upsetting.
I can imagine myself feeling a lot more confident and going out into the world and doing things. I know that if I was more confident I would be a lot more relaxed and a lot happier. At the moment I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be, which makes me feel depressed. I think that I feel that way because I have little faith in the choices that I make for myself, I know that I've chosen to live at home because it is the path of least resistance rather than because it's what I really want.
Today I was driving and I imagined living in one of the houses that I saw and it made me feel sick in my stomach!
I know that they say the way to feel confident is to do things: learn a new skill, do something that scares you. I am trying, I really am. Maybe I'm not doing it properly because the confidence just doesn't seem to stick. I've done quite a few things recently that have scared me and I've felt good about them, but then the next day I have felt really awful. It really is like being on a rollercoaster (something that does scare me) and everytime you think it's coming to a stop it starts again.
I was talking to my mrs last night, saying that whenever we leave the football on a Monday night I feel depressed. I've concluded that this is because I've invested so much to try and expand my social circle and after the match people go their own way, whereas in my ideal world we would be much closer and go for a drink after the match or make plans to play golf during the week. My feelings of depression are frustration that I don't get the satisfaction that I want out of the experience. I have invited them out a few times, but it's hard going. because I feel that way there I then create an anchor/ short cut about that place, time and I immediately associate it with feeling depressed and the feelings come back each time. I need to change the routine and break the anchor. I've decided that I'm going to pay for the match beforehand so that I can walk to the carpark with the team and I'm going to invite them for a drink after the game on September 11th.
back to confidence. I've done pretty well academically, I've done pretty well sportingly, I've travelled a little bit, I've met loads of people throughout my life. Why do I feel so unconfident? I know plenty of people who haven't achieved half of what I have achieved who feel confident enough to go and live abroad or to start a business.
Ok, a big part of it is the way that I was brought up. My dad used to make me feel very guilty about things as a way of making me behave and that affected my confidence a lot. I grew up in a rough area and we were very poor. I was smart, sensitive and not as tough as the other lads, so I got bullied quite a bit. My mum was convinced that I was gay, which didn't help my confidence as I most definitely wasn't. I did feel as if I stuck out like a sore thumb growing up, which made me very self-conscious. I felt lik
-
Anxiety 5/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 5/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
Right at this moment in time I don't feel too bad really. My body is still very achy, tired and tense and I do feel a bit off, but nowhere near as bad as I have done.
I think I'm realising that I have to let go, that I can't brace myself for every possible danger, I have to just go with the flow and let whatever will be be. I think the thing with anxiety is self-preservation, not wanting anything to go wrong or to hurt you but (as I say in my tagline) 'ships in harbour are safe, but that's not what ships were built for'. If we never went out we might get to live to a hundred, but what kind of life would it be? We could also suffer from some sort of illness that could affect anyone. Ok, don't be reckless, but go out and take chances, that's what life's about. Happiness certainly isn't found in playing safe all the time.
I know how hard it is. I'm trying to convince myself of it as much as anyone else. I've been driving to work with the urge to turn round and get home as fast as I could so that I could cower under the bed, but I've said to myself that if I can't drive 10 miles down the road I might as well stop at home and never go out again.
As I've left my car to go into the building I've felt like a rounders player not sure whether to stick on this base or to try and steal the next one. I've wanted to walk into work confidently, but another part of me wants to cling on to the nearest tree or fence for dear life!!
People go around the world on holiday, they do scuba diving, they climb Everest... they are no stronger or less fallible than me, it's more about attitude than ability, it's psychological. I need to get my mind right for it.
Without realising it, for most of my life I have been dreading absolutely everything including holidays, birthdays and weddings. I need to turn that attitude around and start looking forward to things... and I am doing that. I was best man at my brother's wedding last week and normally my thinking would be to get it over and done with as quickly as possible. However, I consciously decided to try and look forward to it and I was actually a lot less nervous and anxious on the day than I would have thought.
The thing with me is that I know that I wind myself up into a panic. I was best man at my mates wedding a few years ago and I got myself worked up into a terrible state. I felt a bit like I did it to try and get a laugh out of other people and to get them on my side. Maybe it's because I feel so tired and lethargic all the time that I do it to try and get my adrenaline going so that I am more alert and energised, but I actually get am undisirable result- anxiety? I've been driving and felt quite calm and thought to myself 'I feel quite calm' and then the next thing I start feeling anxious and panicky. maybe I'm sabotaging myself, maybe it's because I'm thinking too much about the way that I feel, maybe I try and summon up anxiety to test how strong it is at that time and whether my coping strategies have improved? I don't really know the answer.
I do know that I don't quite feel right and I think that is why I've still been feeling anxious.
It's not very nice at the moment because everyone is talking about holidays and I feel unable to go. It's a bit like when I was at school and everyone had branded clothes and I had really cheap stuff because we were so poor.
I do quite fancy going to Scandinavia (Copenhagen, Stockholm), but I'm struggling to psyche myself up to go to North Wales, so that's out of the question at the moment. I just wish that I was tougher and more adventurous. As a kid, I remember getting really homesick whenever we went away and I wasn't keen on camping or anything. I really wish I was tougher because I do actually quite fancy doing things like that. It's so annoying and frustrating.
The thing is that I don't feel scared of physical things so much, it's more the feelings that I get when I feel scared, anxious or depressed. The last time
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
I've been telling myself that life is a game, that the goal is happiness and that that is achievable through relaxation, through contributing to the world, through stretching yourself and through positivity.
The world has freaked me out for a long time, just the size and scale of it, but I'm trying to tell myself to accept/ forget about that and just get on with things, because it's probably not going to have much bearing on my life.
It really is hard when you start searching for meaning and purpose. I used to panic a lot because I'd sort of say to myself 'you do know that you're stood on the earth?' and it used to cause me so much anxiety. It still does really.
I find it hard not to be overwhelmed by space-time, life-death and I feel rooted to the spot because of the seriousness and gravity of it all.
I was talking to a guy this morning who's flying on Saturday and I said that I don't like flying anyway, but I'd be especially nervous after todays events in the news. His attitude was 'if you're going to get blown up it's meant to be'. I can kind of see where he's coming from, don't let fear stop you from doing things, but on the other hand I can imagine myself on the plane bracing myself for a bomb to go off at any minute and I'd have an horrendous time.
I know that it is possible for people to change their attitudes, it happens all the time, it's part of human nature. My mum was always very tense and nervous, but flying doesn't bother her these days. It's just hard to imagine such a shift in my personality, where I'm really calm and confident.
I think one of the biggest flaws in my thinking is that I generalise. I was watching tv before and they were on a beach in Ireland and the sky was grey. My reaction to that is something like 'what a MISERABLE day...I've got to stop in... there's nothing to do... those council houses in the background are really depressing.... I'll never better myself... I'm wasting my life... everywhere's miserable... I'll never enjoy anywhere... I'll never be happy!!!!'
With my mrs, we've had about three weeks where we've got along great and couldn't do enough for each other and I've felt much happier about being with her. We then had a bit of a row last week cos we didn't have any money and she sulked quite a lot and she yelled at me and she was moody (she's very fussy, she's got OCD and she's pretty aggressive anyway) and that's made me feel crap too. When things are like that I think that I'd be better off on my own because her moods and tension are causing me to be anxious, but then I think 'I've got no friends, I'd never go out, I'd feel even more depressed on my own'- genearlised thinking again, like a big grey cloud over everything.
I know that I feel rejected, but it's actually probably me doing the rejecting. I have had jobs offered to me and I've turned them down because I thought I was worth better or I didn't want to be tied down. There have been people in my life who I probably haven't given enough credit to, my brother especially. I have achieved quite a lot, but I've never been satisfied with it. I imagine myself going 'ah, this is the life', when I do feel satisfied, but it's so hard just to be able to sit back and think 'yeah, I did a really good job there, I deserve this'.
I do compare myself to other people a lot. I know that I'm smart (although I probably think that I'm cleverer than I am- as a kid I was sure that I was an undiscovered genius, ala Adrian Mole), it's just frustrating that I can't seem to apply myself. what am I doing working in the warehouse for a supermarket? The mundanity, the same, old, boring routine drives me nuts, it was something that I'd always wanted to avoid, but when i came home after becoming ill I thought that I'd do it because it would give me stability and because everyone else seemed to manage it and they don't have the same problems with depression.... so I thought.
I know that I do need much more stimulatio
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 3/10
Stress 7/10
My parents had a really fraught relationship. My dad worked shifts and when he wasn't at work he was either in bed, watching horse racing on the tv while lying on the sofa or in the pub- that's how I remember things anyway. My mum was very tense and nervous. I remember one time she had a fit on the floor- I still don't know what that was about.
My parents seperated when I was 13, much to my shame, although I wasn't too distraught because I knew that they had a miserable relationship and I thought that atleast this way I would get more attention from my dad. I know that they had serious financial worries. My dad's job wasn't too badly paid, but I think they'd got themselves into horrendous debt (they had to sell their house and move into a council house in a nasty town) and my dad was never one for budgetting, he'd always spend money fairly freely. Whereas my mum counted every penny. We really were paupers- my toes are squashed together NOW because my mum couldn't afford to buy me new trainers all the time to cope with my ever-growing feet. We'd be on free school dinners, which was deeply embarrassing for me- especially as I hung around with the more middle class kids in the bright sets at school.
Soon after my parents split my mum got together with a new man. He was never violent or anything, but I think kids exasperated him- funny how he's great with my nephew now! They'd go out on a Sunday night and when they came back, even if we hadn't been downstairs, he'd huff and puff about the mess we'd made and start clattering things about.
My dad got a run down terrace of his own close to work. Me and my brother used to absolutely dread going to stop with him because their was nothing much to do there and he'd either be sleeping or in the pub. He got together with a woman from Liverpool who was a real character and an inspiration and we'd look forward to going to stop with him on the weekends that she was there.
I was a real geek as a kid. I was tall and thin with big feet and bad skin. I hated the way I looked. I was pretty introverted. My dad took me to join a football team to build up my confidence (he wasn't all bad, he also used to take me camping and stuff), but then he told the manager in front of all the lads that I was rubbish and I hadn't come to join the team just to have a practice!! There was another time when I was competing in the County high jump trials and my dad coached me and I won. Shortly after that I was running for my county and I asked my dad if he could buy me a vest so that I could keep it as a souvenir, rather than me having to borrow one out of the scum bin. He did buy it for me, but he laid the guilt on afterwards, saying how they couldn't afford to go out all weekend because of me!!
I guess that the two biggest 'buttons' with me are guilt and fear. I remember another time when my dad had came in from the pub and he laid into me about how I shouldn't stop at my gran's every weekend (which was a break from home and close to my school and friends) because she couldn't afford to keep me and she'd asked him for money. I was maybe 14 at the time and I was in absolute floods of tears.
I think that guilt and fear affect me so much because that was how I was controlled as a kid 'it's because of you that we can't do this', 'all that we've done for you and you give nothing back', 'don't do this or such and such will happen'. I guess with the fear it has always been more a fear of doing the wrong thing or getting told off. My dad loves telling the story of how I was 15 or 16 and I wouldn't ask him if I wanted a biscuit, I'd whisper to my brother for him to ask instead. I was very timid and awkward as a kid.
The thing is that I still don't really feel like I've grown up. I feel like an ugly duckling that hasn't yet made it into a swan and I'm 30!! I was reading an article about an actor called Mark Ruffalo, who's 39 and he said that he only just feels like he's grown up (he does loo
-
I think that the way in which anxiety and panic cause me to be depressed is because I don't want to do things in case it causes me to feel anxious. I don't want to go to the pub, I don't want to go out for a meal, I don't want to go on holiday, I don't even want to stop at home!! I know that maybe 6 months ago I was a bit more excited about doing things- I wanted to go canoeing up the canal! I wanted to go and watch football matches.
I guess that my illness has changed over the last 6 months. We don't go to as many gigs as we used to or weekends away and I don't leave my small town so much any more, so my comfort zone has decreased. It's really hard because I know that to increase my comfort zone I have to go and do stuff, but I get to places and I feel really on edge, anxious, depressed and it's horrible.
I know that there is a way out of this. When I've done things that I've been really scared of I've got such a high out of them and feel so much lighter and real.
It's just that I tend to think of everything as being very sinister and shallow when I'm feeling particularly depressed. I notice the grey skies and it feels like no one gives a toss, that everyone is screwed up and selfish that there is so much danger everywhere.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 4/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 5/10
Confidence 6/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10
At this moment in time I'm actually feeling pretty good. I'm hoping that I'm really getting better and that I'm not a million miles from recovery now. The hardest part has been that when I was really, really ill and didn't feel real that I was constantly trying to ground myself and tell myself that things are real. I then went through a stage of thinking 'Oh my god! the world! It's physically under my feet!'. So, then I've had to try and 'let things go' and 'float through them' as Claire Weekes would say to take things more lightly and less seriously and to only think about the immediate world around me and not let my mind think any further than that.
There have been quite a few times recently when i have thought 'I feel almost normal' and my general anxiety levels seem to have come down. I know that it's all psychological and the reason that I'm so tense and anxious is because I focus too much on what can go wrong and not enough on the rewards that I could gain. When I lived in London I used to get stoned quite a lot and then I would hate being very far away from home or even outdoors. We lived in North London and South London would seem like the other side of the world.
A lot of people that I know are going travelling at the moment. One girl is travelling across Malaysia. When she said it I felt sick in my stomach. I really do find the thought of going so far from home daunting. On the plus side I used to just push the thought to the back of my mind 'I'll never go there', so don't let it bother me. I think that that has been an unhealthy way to deal with things because whenever someone has mentioned travelling I've thought that I'd love to do it, but my fear of being too far away from home, my fear of boats and planes has made it practically impossible.
I've always been very fearful, I don't like planes, boats, the channel tunnel, trains.... so I've been very restricted in the way that I've been able to experience life. Before I let the fear rule me, because i thought that I couldn't change or that it would be too difficult. Now, I want to break through the fear because then I can really start to enjoy life and banish depression. It is so hard though.
I really do think that the way to be happy is to want to go out and do stuff, to want to meet people, to want to accept challenges. I think that the more that you do those sort of things, confidence and enthusiasm builds. I feel stuck in a rut at the moment because I haven't been out of town very much recently. I remember though that when I have been doing things, the excitement of doing those things has given me loads of motivation to want to go out and do other things.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
I really do feel like I'm starting to get my life back. I'm feeling stronger, more real, more accepting of the world, more like doing things.
Ok, I still don't feel brilliant, I'm still pretty tense and my body aches, I still feel quite anxious, but I feel more inclined to want to push through fear. I'm starting to see my drive to work as going down the road rather than on a globe and travelling down the planet!
Depression/Anxiety is very much a physical illness. You have high levels of adrenaline, cortisol and noradrenaline in your system, your seratonin and endorphins are low. When I've felt really unreal I remember saying to someone that I felt like I was on drugs- and we are. I can't remember exactly which chemical it is, but I know that one of the drugs associated with anxiety/ depression is loads more powerful than morphine!!!
For most of the time that I've been ill I've thought that if I felt physically well that I would be much better. It's taken me this long to realise that I need to proactively relax to soothe those aching muscles.
It's bad that you feel not so hot mentally and your body really compounds the problems. I've been feeling really stuck in this small town, but whenever I think of trying to get out my body gets really anxious and tense.
One things that really annoys me is when I see something and my stomach turns a little and I think 'no, I don't like that'. On the tv this morning there was a shot of a corridor in an american high school and that's what caused it. I guess that it's an anchor/ shortcut for me to have an automatic anxious-depressive sensation, but why? Is it because America is the most challenging place in the world for me to go to because I'd have to cross the atlantic? Is it because of Columbine? Is it because america can be quite trashy and I'm a bit of a culture snob?
I don't know what it is, but I get that sensation a lot oand it's really uncomfortable.
I know that to get better I have to change my attitude to challenges. I need to welcome them rather than dreading them. There were kids diving into the pool this morning and I thought 'I'd never do that at their age' because I was too concerned with trying to look cool (because I was such a geek), which also acted as a convenient excuse for not having to face my fears. Whereas the actual impression that I gave out wasn't of somebody who is cool, but of somebody who is miserable and no fun.
The way to be happy is to want to go out there and so stuff. Life is like a supermarket sweep, you only have a limited time and you have to go around and fill your trolley with as many experiences as you can! I've been all too guilty in the past of putting things off until later life when I feel more confident. I know now that confidence comes first and that the more you do today the more it gives you opportunity to do tomorrow.
It's great that, through my volunteering, I have come into contact with really energised, positive and inspirational people who want to challenge themselves and get involved with things, because up until then the people I had been surrounded by are people who are miserable at work or people in the local pub.
One thing that does concern me is that I have a tendency to go in cycles. I'll be really enthusiatic and get loads done and then I'll fade away and become lazy. I'm just trying to keep it consistent.
If I could imagine my ideal life at the moment the first thing that I would like is to have a closer circle of friends. I'm getting there with my sports teams, but it would be great to have a 'gang' and to meet them in the pub or to go out to restaurants together. I suppose I am being a bit negative about this because I have been out for drinks with my girls football team and one of the lads from the football team and I need to not overlook that, not to take them for granted.
The second thing that i would wish for is a different lifestyle with regards to work. It would be great to
-
Anxiety 5/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10
I've actually been feeling a lot more human recently. I have been eating bananas everyday, I know that they are supposed to help.
It concerns me that maybe these last 4 years I've had bouts of depression back to back, because I feel like I'm getting better right now, but I know that I've felt like this before only to feel worse than ever afterwards. It concerns me that something might have changed in me and I'll never be able to feel 'normal' again.
Today I've been feeling a lot better, but then I've had an anxious or depressive thought and felt ill again. I feel a bit like a player in a rounders game, not sure whether to stick where I am or to try and steal forward.
I went for the review of my cholesterol tablets today. I have read that stress can push cholesterol and blood pressure up. At one point mine was extremely high (9.5) and now it's really, really good. I always put off going for blood tests or to see my doctor because it causes me health anxiety. But today I just decided to go and it was really easy and painless. He asked me if I smoked and I said I gave up 2 years ago. he asked me about my diet and I told him that I was very careful with it, I eat plenty of fruit and veg and I now only have chips once per week.
I am learning to relax. I'm going to try and persuade myself to go to Yoga tomorrow!!
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Hi there
Just been reading through your dairy and you are doing really well in trying to get better, writing things down certainly helps.
Try your best to go to yoga tomorrow as it will certainly help you to relax.
Take care
Elaine x
-
Anxiety 5/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 5/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10
I did go to Yoga this morning!!! I went swimming first and had a sauna and then I went to the class. I was the only person there to begin with, which gave me the easy option of not doing it, but i went ahead with it and one other person came. I can see how it's going to be really good for me straight away. We started off lying on the floor and relaxing our muscles, which is something that I should be doing, but never make time for and then we did all kinds of stretches and breathing for about an hour and a half- exactly the sort of thing that I need to be doing. I am so unsupple. I hold so much tension in my body and I'm just totally rigid. I'm going to push myself to keep going back.
Straight after I did that I went and booked myself an appointment with a personal trainer at the gym!! I've avoided going into the actual gym itself for months since I started getting health anxieties about my heart, but when I did go quite often I was pretty proud of the way I looked. I'm not too bad now, but generally a bit too skinny and a bit of a belly. Working towards having a really good body would give me such a confidence boost.
Anyway, I am getting much better at doing the things that I fear. yesterday I went to the doctors for a review of my medication, which is something that I normally put off for months. I'm finding that the best thing is to just do it. You presume that nobody else has nerves, 'how can people fly around the world?', they do have them, but they don't let them get so out of control and they don't let them stop them from doing things. I read Richard Branson's autobiography and his motto when he was younger was 'Screw it, Let's do it!!'. He also admitted that he felt violently sick with nerves when he did his hot-air ballooning.
I've had a lot of anxiety about the world 'what if gravity fails', 'there is so much earth under my feet', 'oh my god, the world is so big!', but recently I've started thinking '**** to it. I'm going to go out there and do things like everyone else and if the world should suddenly decide to stop, so be it'.
There are some important things that I keep meaning to say, but then I keep forgetting them again- I'll try and write them down.
At the moment depression seems to be worse than anxiety with me. The world seems quite grey rather than colourful, bright and exciting. I've read something recently that your thoughts and feelings are based on the things that you focus on. I am quite an obsessive person and i think about death a lot, so I'm bound to feel quite morbid. I hate it when there are stories in the newspapers about people with depression and the papers take a really judgemental stance 'he wasn't right in the head', 'he's a nutter', 'he's selfish'. The story about the dad jumping off the balcony is upsetting and also the story about the tv presenter who killed himself. It said how he'd hidden depression for years and his company folded with debts of over a million pounds. I try not to read newspapers or watch the news because i know how negative it is. When I read things like that though it makes me quite anxious because I've had depression for years and it scares me that something could push me over the edge.
I guess for most of my life I've tried to be like somebody or other and to fit in with a certain crowd. At first I tried to be bohemian and metropolitan, taking drugs.... recently I've tried to be more like the sporty lot..... I suppose what i realise is that if those are my aims, then I'm not really going to be satisfied. I need to learn to be myself, to have my own identity, my own ideals and my own interests..... getting there!!
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
have you considered a college course??I did it years agoand i felt fab when i passed my a levels!Never thought i had it in me!I t does not work ,moulding yourslelf into another persons skin,liking what they like just to be liked!Been there got the t-shirt!Discover you!!,music is good it is such an individual thing!Hope you feel ok today.love mary rose.xxxxxx
we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore
-
At the moment I really, really hate the monotony. Getting up at the same time, going to the same places, doing the same things. Every day is very much predictable. i feel a bit like I'm in prison- I have that mentality of keeping my head down and serving my time.
On thursday I went into town for my dinner break and it was fantastic to see people other than my work mates and to break the routine. It was really lovely. I guess though, that I feel like I'm a bit 'strange' for doing things like that, things which nobody else at work does and it makes me feel anxious that I might be strange or really different from everybody else.
The reason that I stop in the same job is money. I'd find it really hard to find a job that pays the same. And what's even more annoying is that I don't even earn a brilliant amount, it's fairly modest. When I first got together with my mrs we went crazy on credit cards and loans. Thankfully, now we've cut them up and we're trying to pay them off and budget. I know I'm as guilty as her for blowing the budget and getting myself little treats to cheer either one of us up, but I lose my rag with her for spending too much money. She wants a man Utnited top at the moment and she can't wait til the end of the month for it- which really annoys me. She's only 23 (I'm 30) and I feel like I'm looking after her sometimes. I personally feel like I never have that sort of money to spend on myself and it does make me quite resentful- I get annoyed with her and blame her for me having to stay in a job that I hate, because I can't afford to leave because of her spending habits. I know that that isn't totally true, but (for someone so self-critical and harsh on myself) I have trouble accepting my responsibility or share of the blame.
I do need to get a new job and I think that if i can set a definite time scale for doing my football coaching course and for saving/ paying off debts, that that will give me something to aim for.
One thing that I have been thinking is that most people seem to have a 'buy now, pay later' attitude. People who smoke, people who eat junk food, who drink excessively, who don't exercise. They think (and I've done it myself) 'I know that smoking will shorten my life considerably, but I'll enjoy it now and deal with the consequences when they happen'. That's exactly how I used to be, but since I developed anxiety disorder I've been much keener on watching my diet and stuff. I suppose that my way is better, but I have to temper it with the fact that I could get 'hit by a bus tommorrow' and not be too obsessive about it.
By the way, talking to people about flying and they say that they don't mind it 'you're only going to die once'. It's a great attitude to have, really, because it's so liberating. But i can't help but feel that they haven't really thought about death at all and they must be quite confident that it won't happen to them any time soon. Because I'm depressed i always expect the worst, i expect death and it's one of the greatest causes of anxiety in my life. I think if they thought that death might be imminent that they wouldn't be so casual about it. It's all psychological.
I'm quite annoyed with my dad at the moment. When I first came home from London suffering from depression he asked me if 'it wasn't just an excuse?'. I was outraged, i said to him 'I wouldn't be taking Prozac and messing with my mind if it was just an excuse!'. He probably thinks that I'm psychologically weak for having depression and anxiety. However, after 4 years of being a smoker i succesfully gave up and I haven't had one in almost 2 and a half years. He's had a heart attack and needs to give up, but he keeps giving in to them and we won't even bother reading the self-help books that I've given him. It annoys me that he thinks I'm mentally weak for being depressed and he can't even muster the will-power to give up cigarettes.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 5/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
I've been feeling pretty depressed today. I woke up feeling pretty good and my fiancee started an argument with me out of nothing. I went to work feeling a bit wound up and that turned into feeling depressed. I texted her for a bit of affection and understanding, which I didn't get and that only made me feel more depressed.
Later on we spoke about what had happened. She can be very aggressive and moody anyway. The pattern of our relationship seems to be that we have a big argument, make up and both make a big effort for a couple of weeks (and everything is great), things then start to get niggly and we end up rowing and falling out all the time.
She says that she gets irritable because I'm depressed and anxious all the time, but I'm proactively trying to do something about that. She's talking about doing classes at the gym (where I've got her free membership and she's never even been- how frustrating is that?) and I really hope she does because I'm sure that that would lift her mood and get a lot of her aggression out. But, if I try and give her a push to do it I'm nagging her.
Very often I wish I was single, because she actually makes me very tense. Before we got together I did have very bad panic attacks, but I was also able to drive to London and stuff. It feels like I'm more tense on a daily basis with her. I feel like leaving and my lose-lose thinking comes in 'I'll never get another girlfriend', 'I've got no mates, I'll be miserable and all on my own'.
I'm also quite frustrated that I've set up a girl's football team, which my fiancee is in and she's made some really good friends and she goes out with them and talks to them on the phone (positive: she's in a better mood because of it), but it's frustrating for me that the lads aren't as social. I've asked them out a few times, but they're never very interested. I know it's not specifically because of me, but I can't help but feel a bit rejected.
I don't really feel like I'm being true to myself and that's very depressing. I suppose if fear didn't come into it at all I'd be travelling the world, I'd be either an entrepreneur or involved in the creative industries. I wouldn't be with my mrs. We just seem to have so little in common. I find that I don't do things that I want to do because she isn't ineterested in them. I used to love going to the cinema and I'd go about once a month if not more, but I can't remember the last time I went. I see myself as more of a city person, but i haven't got the confidence to deal with the hustle and bustle at the moment. i certainly wouldn't be working where I am at the moment. I'd love to explore my sexuality.
The thing with a lot of those wishes is that I have trouble trusting and people and places are often very 'sinister' to me. If I did have sex with a man it would be a very guilty and shameful experience and I'd probably feel quite depressed about it, but why? I remember when I was quite young and my mum discovered that i'd been masturbating she went through the roof- I locked myself in the toilet to avoid her! She thought it was dirty and disgusting. My stepdad explained to her that lads do it all the time and her attitude did change, but the experience probably scarred me.
It feels like my life is on hold. I wonder whether I feel unreal because my job is so monotonous that I just shut off.
I'm gradually coming to terms with the world and accepting it. A girl I know has just gone to Malaysia though and the thought of doing that does freak me out quite a bit- I haven't got my head around reality, the planet and space and time enough yet to even contemplate something like that. It's frustrating though that I feel limited to this small, familiar area. If someone talks about emigrating I feel physically sick!
One of the things that causes my depression is that I find it very hard to feel that I fit in and belong, I'm not very adaptable to new situations and environments. When I went to the Isle
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 6/10
I've got a week off work this week and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I really do need to rest and relax, but on the other hand I feel very guilty about wasting time and when I have nothing to do I feel more anxious because I don't have the distractions there.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard day because I've got to drive my dad to the hospital (challenge 1) where he is having a treadmill test to see how his heart is doing after his heart attack (challenge 2). I've been on the treadmill test myself and i know that they warn you that it can cause a heart attack!!
In the daytime I'm meeting the mayor to discuss our fundraising plans and at night I've got my football team
On tuesday I'm going to get my car radio sorted and I might do some overtime.
On wednesday I've got yoga and a session with the personal instructor at the gym. I might go to the cinema at night too.
On thursday I might do some overtime and I've got a pub quiz at night.
On friday I've got some more yoga.
Not too bad, but I just don't want to be sat at home on the computer all the time. I'll write some more tomorrow.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10
Has anyone seen the advert with the alien who comes down to earth and imagines his life- crushed on the tube trains, sat at home alone watching tv and putting on a pot belly, bored stupid playing bingo?! That's pretty much how I'm feeling. The boring routine, the monotony... aahhhh, but then I'm too scared to break the routine either.
I'm dreading this bank holiday because we'll either sit at home and do nothing or go and do something that we're not really that interested in doing just to pass the time.
Is it just me? Do other people enjoy trudging around car boot sales with no intention of buying anything? I know I'm being negative, just stuff like that really gets me down. Following someone around when they're shopping. I know the positive and proactive thing to do is to get involved, to offer your opinion on potential purchases and suggest stopping at a cafe for a cuppa.
I'm quite down at the moment because I'm feeling like I'm with my missus for the sake of it. I don't want to hurt her by splitting up with her, but the relationship just doesn't inspire or excite me. She very aggressive, very tense, very fussy and it just riles me and I spend a lot of my time trying to stop away from her. She can be very sweet and kind too, but that makes it an emotional rollercoaster that I can do without. On the other hand, I don't want to be on my own because i have no real friends to speak of. So, once again, I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.
I am trying to turn it around into a positive in my mind. I don't think that she would cheat on me- although she is bi-curious, so a girl might tempt her......
I'll write more later or tommorrow, got to take my dad to the hospital now, which I'm dreading..........
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
I took my dad to the hospital. I was quite anxious driving there and got that old thing of thinking 'I can't do it, I have to go back' once I got to the point where I normally don't go beyond on my daily travels. I was pretty much ok until we got to the express way where, even though I was only driving at about 30 miles an hour, I had an attack of nerves and felt like I needed to grab my dad's knee or pull over. I didn't do either though and got there safely if a little shaky.
We took one of my dad's friends with us, who wanted to have a look at a pub neraby that he is thinking of taking over, which was quite nice cos I hate waiting round in hospitals. We got to the highest point for miles, where the pub is built into a castle and I have to say that I actually quite enjoyed looking out over Runcorn bridge. It was quite exhilarating and awe-inspiring, but at the same time I kept having that nervous, queasy feeling of being high up and being on the world.
My dad failed his medical, which unnerved me a bit and as i was driving back and he was talking about them wanting to keep him in hospital I had a bit of an adrenaline rush and I actually felt quite anxious.
Really, it's a victory because I did it and even got some enjoyment out of it- even better I didn't build it up too much beforehand and dread it, but it was still quite traumatic. I keep saying to myself 'an anxious mind cannot exist within a relaxed body' because i know that if I can relax myself that these thoughts wouldn't come into my head so much and I'd be able to take so much more at face value like everyone else does.
I keep getting glimpses of how I used to think or how other people must think and it's a bit of a revelation, because all I could see was depression and anxiety before. It's a bit like staring at a piece of paper and only seeing the black dot in the middle and then gradually you become aware of all the white space around it.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10
I remember reading once that depressed people "experience life differently 'chemically'" than other people. I know all about seratonin, adrenaline, noradrenaline, cortisol..... it's just hard to believe the impact that they can have on your life. I see people around me and I find it amazing that they can be so calm considering what life is all about and the fact that none of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time on earth.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have an illness. That without this illness I would be a totally different person. In CBT you learn how negative thinking can make you depressed and can keep you there, but doesn't being depressed cause negative thinking too? I feel physically rough every single day (even though I'm doing loads of positive and constructive things) and it really drags me down and makes me feel sick with nerves.
I know that being tense is my biggest problem. I'm not very confident and I'm very uptight because I'm a negative thinker, i obsess about what can go wrong, I'm over-critical of myself and others, I find it very, very difficult to have fun and enjoy myself- because I'm not relaxed. But, because i can't enjoy myself, I have nothing to look forward to only threats and that makes me even more depressed and anxious.
I am proactively trying to relax. I swim and have a sauna every morning. last week i took up Yoga. I'm going to try and play more sports and go to the gym more. I eat pretty well.
It must be working because recently I've woken up feeling pretty comfortable in bed, whereas for years I've felt really achy, stiff, tense and groggy.
i just feel like I'm much more vulnerable and susceptible to moods (maybe even aura's) than most people. I can go to a place, be with someone or pick up a notion from a book and just the slightest hint of something can leave me feeling really grim and quite depressed. I wish I knew how to toughen up.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 7/10
Today I went to Yoga for an hour, popped into town, then had 40 minutes with a personal trainer, then went swimming and had a sauna. i do feel pretty good about doing it because those are the sort of things that I would normally talk about doing, but never get round to. I'm on a 'leisure week' from work, so I really want to be leisurely. I went to manage my football team on Monday night, tomorrow I'm hoping to go to the driving range and to a pub quiz with some new friends, not sure about friday yet, then the pub on saturday and maybe the sports festival, another class and some personal training on sunday and going to watch my home town club play on Monday!!
I am glad that I'm doing all these things because I've always been a bit of a couch potatoe- I used to have a job in London reading water meters and sometimes we'd be finished by dinner time, so I'd go back to bed or watch tv from lunch time right the way through to the early hours of the morning!!
I feel like I'm finally starting to get a bit of a 'lifestyle' together. I'd love to carry on with the classes, do a vocational or academic qualification, do a few more different and interesting things for entertainment and keep making new friends and meeting people.
I'd love to really explore the region and do things like canoeing or camping. I think that I will because my confidence and enthusiasm is starting to come back up now, it's just that I still feel a bit shaky and a bit grim physically and going past my daily geographical limits causes me quite a lot of anxiety.
I am learning though to concentrate on the way in which I experience the world rather than reminding myself of what, who and where I physically am.
I'm having a bit of a problem in my relationship which is causing me distress at the moment. Yesterday she texted me to ask if we could go out for a meal last night and I said that we can't afford it, plus I was feeling especially anxious and I felt as if I'd have a panic attack if we went out. When I picked her up from work she was so miserable and depressed it was making me feel ill. We came back to the home I share with my family and I cooked her a starter, then a main and finally I went out and got us something to drink and some ice cream- for a couch potatoe that took a lot of initiative and effort, but she was still moaning and being miserable. She's got OCD and she was there counting on her fingers while I'm clicking my fingers (an anxiety trait that I've developed which seems to help me feel grounded and burn off adrenaline)- what a nightmare. I think that she has a tendency to 'neg me out' and to make me feel anxious. In fact, I'm really not sure if I'd be better off without her. But, she would be an absolute wreck if I left and go to pieces.
To be honest, i do look at other women and think 'I'd rather be with you', but (maybe because I'm so tense and irritable) I don't think I know any woman that i could spend a great deal of time with without her really getting on my nerves. So, in that case, I'm better off trying to get the one I've got to be more calm and more positive.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 5/10
Stress 6/10
At the moment I'm feeling like I need a total change of scenery. Things with my mrs aren't going especially well and I feel like being on my own. I'm sick of the daily grind and I'm dreading the bank holiday weekend. The biggest problem I have is not being able to sit and chill out. I feel that if I can just be still, do exactly as I please and have no one to agitate, annoy or irritate me I would become a lot less anxious. However, my mrs could cause an argument if she was the only person in the room! And my family peck at me all the time, and even if I could sit and be on my own I'd want to find something to do like be on the computer.
I feel so annoyed with myself for letting myself get so ill and for being passive now, which is prolonging my illness. I don't feel happy because I don't feel like I'm doing what I want to do, but I don't know what it is that I want to do. I guess that defines what being depressed is to me- I feel like I need to pick my way carefully through life as there is so much that I don't like and don't want to do. If only I could reverse my psychology so that I could get enjoyment out of most things.
The daily grind really is getting me down. I see the same faces every morning as I drive my mrs to work and it's really depressing. I know that life is too short to waste so much time doing things that you hate, but it's the money that keeps me in my current job, not that it's amazing, but most jobs around here are poorly paid. It actually makes me angry when I hear that the average wage is £24,000 or something, because I earn an above average wage for the type of work and area that I live in and I earn a lot less than that. I don't even know many people who earn much more than me. It annoys me because it makes me think that I'm earning less than everyone else, when in reality the average is probably pushed up by the few that earn a lot of money.
Anyway, I went to Uni to study media because I wanted a job that was as far removed from working in a warehouse as possible. I did work in tv for a few years and I enjoyed it. Things did come crashing around my ears though because i got into a lot of debt and I started using drugs. it's hard for me to admit that it was my own fault that I didn't succeed in television- I was nearly always late, my attitude was often poor (i'd smoke on the job), I didn't stick at any particular company long enough, I didn't have a clear idea what I wanted to do, I didn't network enough..... on the other hand, in many respects, i did the best that I could. I'm still learning to be punctual and I'm learning now (9 years later) to be better at the things that I couldn't do then. Really, I should just say that it didn't work out and accept it and appreciate the lessons that I learned from the experience.
I would actually say that I was at my most confident during that period. I flew to Ibiza, I crossed the North Sea by ferry, I drove all over Britain.
If I didn't feel so restricted now in the things that I feel able to do I would be much happier. Psychologically, I've got myself so wound up that I find it really, really hard to go out of my small town. I used to go to London every other weekend and I loved that. If I felt able to go whereever I pleased I would be so much happier and relaxed. I know I can do it.
I know I can have a more exciting job too, it's just that fear is making me think very narrowly, which is causing me to feel depressed. My instinctive reaction is that I need a mundane job because something 'alternative' is unsecure and unreliable and it will inflate my ego and cause me to be obnoxious. But, contrary to that I also yearn for a much more stimulating occupation.
My cousin did sports science at Uni and then went staright into being a sports development officer for the council, which he has done for about the last 5 or 6 years. It does sound like there is quite a bit of stress to it, but his job gives him a lot of credibility and really
-
Tonight I'm going out without my mrs!! We used to go to a pub quiz every week and i enjoyed it, but the pub stopped doing it about a month ago. I'm off from work this week and I fancied going to a quiz, but she wasn't interested. It's great now that I know so many more people cos of my volunteering because I sent a mass email out and about 6 people are coming tonight!! About another 3 or 4 said they would come if we did it again. I'm thinking that every time I'm off during the week i could get a few people together and we could try different pub quizzes.
I'm really glad to have a few people to go out with that are my 'own' mates. Ever since I've got together with my first girlfriend I've ended up having my other half's friends as my social circle- with inevitably disasterous consequences when the relationship comes to an end.
I'm sat here tonight, I'm not at work and I'm looking forward to going out with 'my' mates, it's a really nice feeling. It's great to have my own space and independence, I feel so much freer and less desperate to hold on to the relationship because I don't want to be alone.
Hopefully, we're coming to a turning point anyway, because she's starting to develop friendships through the girl's football team that I set up. I just need her to fend for herself a bit, cos 'what are we having for tea tonight?' is really dragging me down. especially as her answer is always takeaways, which I'm trying to avoid because of expense and because I'm trying to get fit.
She's really doing my head in at the moment. She's very much like me, but even more obsessive, more dramatic and far more aggressive. I seriously feel like breaking up with her but that would cause so much drama and aggro.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
I'm not going to do the marks out of 10 today because any improvement has seemed quite subtle recently.
Today I feel a bit tense, my shoulders are hunched right up, my lower back feel a little strained, as do my calves. My head feels like I haven't slept for ages (even though I have), it's got that dry, dense, slightly buzzing feeling. My chest is slightly clenched. I'm feeling a bit dirty and scruffy even though I'm clean shaven and I had a shower last night. My eyes feel pretty tired. I feel a bit like I'm trying to contain some sort of excitement, something that I want to blurt out, but I think that it's just hysteria for hysteria's sake. I feel like I'm marking time and like I have no real purpose or, if I do, I'm distracting myself from doing it. I do feel a bit overawed by space/time/reality. I feel a bit wobbly/nervy. I've been thinking of things to do for the weekend and that is filling me with dread for some reason.
Last night was very succesful. Seven people turned up for my pub quiz team and we won!!! There were a couple of 'jokes' that I felt like saying, but I censored myself: one of the girl's is a keen rower and there was a picture on the wall of turn of the century rowers (or something) and they were talking about the costume and I nearly said 'you wouldn't have been allowed to row in those days!', which is the sort of sexist, provocative remark that my dad makes a lot. Thankfully, I kept my mouth shut. I was quite concerned though because one of the guys was drinking and he was also driving home. I didn't know what to do about it. I thought about anonomously calling the police to stop and breathalyse him, but then I had visions of him losing his job because he couldn't drive and having a nervous breakdown. I didn't want to make a scene and take his keys off him. I'm very disappointed in him though.
Anyway, that was a good night and it was great to get out with a circle of friends of my own. As I walked to the pub my fiancee text me to say that she was having a panic attack. i don't know whether it was genuine or whether she was looking for attention or trying to put a dampener on my evening.
We were talking at the pub last night and the guy who drove home was saying how he used to live in various parts of London and he helped to set up the Groucho club. Things like that make me feel a little strange, because London is still quite appealing, but i feel burnt by it. The way I feel at the moment, living in different places is too scary for me- even going to other places is pretty daunting. The strange thing is though that I can imagine doing it and being fine with it, but then something would come into my head and set the alarm bells off. For example, I could go to Altrincham and be fine with it, even if I feel physically grotty, but then I'd start to panic because I'd think of myself on a globe (something I do all the time) or I'd think something else really BIG like this is one second in the whole of history and it's gone now, never to come back again...... I overwhelm myself with my thoughts, which is what causes me to panic. The actual situation itself isn't that threatening.
The guy was talking about his boss when he set up the Groucho club and saying how they had original Hockney's on the walls and how, even though they had a beautiful house, they knocked through into the squat next door and how bohemian that was. In one way it's really appealing and exciting, but then on the otherhand, I'm pretty straight and I can imagine my family tutting and it makes me feel low down and ashamed. That whole bohemian thing is something that draws me in, but it makes my head spin. You might look at people like Mick jagger and think 'how can it be such a bad thing?', but I suspect that he was more interested in the women than the drugs and he must have a really strong sense of himself to keep being productive with all those temptations and also getting out of life what he wants, such as a family and a second career as a film producer. On the flip side, look at people like Pete Doherty (and most of tha
-
I'm looking for a new job at the moment, something that will inspire me and help me to feel fulfilled. The trouble is that I might have to travel to get to my job and what if they want me to go away on courses? I'm not far off being agorophobic at the minute!!
The daft thing is that I know that it's a trick of the mind, that going places will actually help me to get over my fear and to get better.
It's so frustrating. I feel so limited and like my body and mind are conspiring to sabotage my efforts.
I do feel like giving up, but stopping at home is the worst thing that I can do. I just feel like as soon as I recognise faults in my thinking and try and do something about them another fault arises.
I'm looking at these jobs and even though I've got a degree, 4 a levels and 4 years experience in the media industry I feel completely inadequate.
I feel that if I had a job where I felt that I belonged then a lot of other things would slot into place. I wouldn't feel like a 'nearly man' or a failure and I'd stop thrashing around, therefore I would be able to relax in my spare time rather than feeling guilty that i wasn't doing enough and I'd feel less anxious too.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Just a quicky today.
I feel like I am very, very slowly calming down- an image that has popped into my head is that it's like walking down Everest backwards, it does take a hell of a long time and you can never tell how close you are to the bottom until you actually get there!!
My attitude has always been 'oh my god! life is really serious and overwhelming. I daren't do anything because I'm so paralysed and daunted by it all'.
I can feel that my attitude is changing though to '**** to it! Just do it.'
There have been many times when I thought I was getting better only to feel worse again. This time, however, it feels like I have slow and steady momentum. I have a plan. I'm making friends and developing those relationships. I'm learning to understand and trust myself much more.
Physically I still don't feel brilliant, but I'm into a training programme at the gym now, I'm taking more rest, I'm swimming and doing yoga- so hopefully I'm going to start to feel physically and psychologically better and there will come a point where I feel much happier and calmer.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 7/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 7/10
Confidence 3/10
Relaxation 3/10
Stress 8/10
I haven't been feeling very well for about a week. i think that I might have been feeling a touch more stressed and that that has caused my anxiety levels to go up. I've had the biggest spot of my life on my forehead, which has been causing me a lot of distress and i've been wearing a cap all the time (thank god for that because i would have felt ten times worse if everyone was looking at it). Because of my spot I haven't been to the gym or to my yoga classes and instead I've been stopping in my room, which has got me down. Funny, how a spot can cause so much trouble.
I think that I've been getting myself worked up. I've had no interest in my job and I'm concerned that I'm going to get into trouble, which is adding to my anxiety.
I've been having morbid thoughts and I haven't been feeling like I'm inside my own body. But, then on the other hand I've been feeling pretty good as well. I do feel scared that i'll lose control and do something stupid or that I'll reach breaking point.
I just feel like I'm going between getting a grip on things to feeling as bad as everand it's really upsetting me.
I know that I need to face my fears but, when I do come face to face with my biggest fears i feel totally ungrounded and like I'm not in my own body.
With my job, everyday is horrible, so I feel that I'm layering stress, anxiety and depression upon myself everyday- so however good i feel, it's going to drag me down and if i feel bad already it will make me worse.
I do feel like I'm being a bit of a drama queen, like Sophie Anderton on love island or something.... I am a sensitive man...and I can see how ridiculous it is. I work in a warehouse, not a coal mine or a sweatshop.
I want to feel mentally strong. I haven't faced any real hardship. I really want to toughen up and feel more able to deal with things. I know that I react hysterically to the littlest thing and it's so frustrating. When i had blood taken I nearly passed out! I know that I have had to be tough to keep on going with so much severe anxiety and depression, but i want to know how to be even tougher and to be able to go out into the world without fear.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 6/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 6/10
Confidence 4/10
Relaxation 4/10
Stress 7/10
i was watching an interview with Norman Cook/fatboy Slim the other day (who has suffered with depression) and it was interesting to hear about his 'self-talk'. He was saying that when he went back in the studio, following the phenonenal album that he made he did feel a lot of pressure, but he kept saying things to himself like 'even if the album only sells 100,000 copies it's enough to pay the mortgage' and 'if the album doesn't do as well as the last one, atleast he'll get a bit of his life back (from the public eye)'.
I'm learning how important it is the way that you approach things psychologically. I'm learning that there are little tricks that I can use on myself to get myself to behave how I want to. For example, I have a real problem with time keeping and so I set my clocks about 5 minutes fast to try and help me get to places on time. Also, I try and leave my shaving stuff in my gym bag so that I have to go to the gym when I need a shave.
I follow Everton football club and I know that last season our star striker was sent to see a psychologist to help him to rediscover his goalscoring touch...and it did actually work for a bit. I know that I too can fulfil my potential and lead a much happier life.... if I can get myself psychologically right for it.
It's possible for me to remove the psychological blocks that have made me feel so limited and so frustrated in my life, I just need to learn the techniques to overcome them.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
-
Anxiety 8/10 (how bad I feel out of 10)
Depression 8/10
Confidence 3/10
Relaxation 3/10
Stress 8/10
I'm having a pretty bad time at the moment. I think it's because I'm wrestling with trying to leave my job (and maybe also my girlfriend). I really, really hate my job and it makes me so miserable, but I can't afford to leave. I arranged a meeting with my shift manager and personnel last week to tell them about my problems. They were pretty understanding, but I was hoping that they were going to allow me to cut my hours down, spend time on a less pressurised job or have more days off when I needed them, but they didn't really offer me anything. They are generally getting stricter about performances, so i suppose atleast I've got that in before they pull me up, so I needn't have to worry about getting into trouble quite so much.
If I could leave my job tomorrow it would take a huge weight off my shoulders. I imagine myself lurching from one crisis to another though and ending up working somewhere else for less money and not knowing anybody. I know I need to visualise success, but it's hard for me to imagine myself being contented in my work life.
With my relationship I feel like we have very little in common, we're pulling in different directions, we don't speak the same language, we irritate and agitate each other. There are times, when she makes an effort not to be so irritable when we get on fairly well, but most of the time I feel like I would rather be on my own. I feel a bit like one of those meek blokes that you see trapped in a relationship with a domineering woman. I do try and assert myself, but it feels like we're battling against each other all the time.
If I was a strong an confident person I would leave the relationship, but I have very few friends, nobody particularly close to me and I would be cutting myself off if I left her. I'd be stuck in on my own most of the time if it wasn't for her.
How have I let myself get in this position? I'm not a bad looking person, I can be quite funny, I'm intelligent. Why am I in a position where my family gets on my nerves, my fiancee gets on my nerves, I hate my job, I'm living in a town that gets me down, I've got no money and I've got no mates?
Why do I have so little confidence to go out there into the world and get what I want? I read recently that confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome. I think that I lack in confidence because I set impossibly high standards for myself (which even I know that I can't reach)- therefore I don't expect a positive result. But, how can I learn to set smaller goals and to be happy with achieving them?
I know that my fear threshold is very low too. How can i raise that? Does that come with confidence?
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.