Other people's assumptions?

I thought of this after reading someone's post, and Im aware that most people with SA are misunderstood by people generally.
For instance, I could be errr.......waiting in a queue at a bank or something, someone makes a comment and couple of them laugh, but some notice you and you arnt laughing, but obviously listening. That's the error thhat creates the misjudging. Other people perhaps see us as fine, my ex councillor was addiment that the anxiety isnt visible to people (but I disagreed) or atleast alot less visible than you think.

What if, other people see you as fine, apparently normal, and intellectually able, and happy, because of the act we put on "Im fine, Im not anxious" and then in those moments where we are anxious and fail to reply/interact with others, then they understandably misjudge and think youre stuck up, or miserable, or something bad.

Anyway, our convincing front that we build over years, as a defense mechanism, has a negative effect on us. But it depends how often youre out of the house i guess, and it depends on how complete you've built your act...
Also we give away the vibe that we're hiding something terrible, being deceiving, when imo SAers are more honest and nice than people without any of these problems lol! so yea, rather pointless thread...
Any other SAers got thoughts on this acting/image thing?

To be honest, I think everybody has an act or way of being around certain groups of people. But not everybody is self-conscious enough to be aware of it. It's a way of adjusting your behaviour and attitude to fit with those around you, to avoid conflict. I don't feel I could really ever be totally 'myself' around people without risking being rude or offending someone, although there are obviously different degrees depending on how well I know someone. Not that I'd want to offend anyone, but I just have no interest in small talk or the stuff that makes up most social interaction. Plus I like to do things at my own pace, and that tends to get on people's nerves. So I 'make the effort' and put on an act, as I think most people do.

And most of the time that's fine. The problems occur when I'm not really sure how to deal with a situation, and the act I'm putting on goes kind of wrong - making me panicky, flustered, etc. Then I get super anxious, because I feel like I should know how to deal with it. And I think people tend to pick up on that, although they might not really understand what you're feeling.

think that the acts/masks we put on have two effects it allows other people to feel comfortable in themselves but the other is that we suffer our troubles unassisted in anyway.. you are right, I always feel bad as I dont say too much in real life, though chatty on a computer.. real life I feel I read others body language and read their eyes and not their words and if the words and body language don't match I get uncomfortable... my mind whizzes with unspoken responses to what they are saying and my own thoughts but hardly a word passes my lips ..unless with someone that I feel totally safe with, like my mum.

Also because I'm not confident, people think that I'm either rude or disinterested because I dont look at them when I talk, I maintain eye contact whilst they speak but when I talk I look away and often stutter and fall over my words or talk with such speed I forget to take a breathe just trying to get it all out .. I now wonder if they possibly do think I'm hiding something or am guilty.. but I'm not ... I'm just incredibly self conscious and always feel silly when I speak, though again I'm not.

I suffer from SA and am terribly self conscious and anxious around people, and consequently try to act like Im ok in front of them. I try not to see it as a negative thing, more like an opportunity to try and reduce my fears, although it doesnt feel like it at the time! I am also guilty of over analysing everything.... what did they think when I said that? Did that look mean they didnt like me? I must have seemed really arrogant and stuck up.... the list goes on.

My councellor also said that anxiety goes unnoticed, and to be honest I didnt believe it at first. Its a vicous circle for me- I automatically think people I meet will misinterperate me negatively, and so become more anxious and jump to conclusions.

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Originally Posted by Spagetti

My councellor also said that anxiety goes unnoticed, and to be honest I didnt believe it at first. Its a vicous circle for me- I automatically think people I meet will misinterperate me negatively, and so become more anxious and jump to conclusions.

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yes i reckon there's alot of truth in that, perhaps this are part of the irrational thinking that helps generate anxiety? Idk. Im sure other people dont walk into a bank queue with these kind of thoughts whizzing around lol!
One of the hardest parts imo in recovering is trying to convince yourself that these thoughts are incorrect.
"What? So you mean I have been thinking completely incorrect thoughts for the last ten years?" Bad habits die hard!

Yeah I believe so. The mind and body are interlinked- negative thoughts set off the physical symptoms.

It is hard to change negative thoughts about ourselves, but it can be done. There is no quick way to do it, it takes practice practice practice.

Have you tried CBT? I have. The sessions I had havent cured me as such, but have given me more confidence to handle the anxiety.

I wish i could act... instead I clam up and cant speak because i think people are looking down on me or talking to me out of pity.

I think, as humans we all "act" certain parts at certain times but that sime people are better than others at making it look effortless.

Look at David Cameron - do you suppose he behaves the same way at home as he does when he's "being" PM? I doubt it, he has just practiced his profesional persona until it has become second nature.

As for worrying about what people think - well most people are thinking about themselves most of the time.

In fact the worrying itself is actually you thinking about you if you stop and consider it.

Hi All,

It does take practice to incorporate our new positive thoughts into our everyday lives. Its a matter of perseverence, only we can shape ourselves, we are no different from others, just more sensitive to our surroundings! Being sensitive is not a weakness, its just we are more aware of our surroundings from most!

I read this thread with great intrest. And i can truely relate to it you see, i havent got a girlfreind but i would love to be in a loving relationship, but i am so shy, all my freinds have settled down, and i am left alone, i struggle to make eye contact, giving others the impression i am hideing something i guess they must think i am gay, but the truth is i am just so anxious and shy. I would really love to meet a caring girl, but that will never happen because i hide away. DAN

Oh Dan, please don't say that and please give yourself credit. A good woman would be so appreciative of you! Relationships are very hard, anxiety or not. You accept yourself and do not compare yourself to others. I know how hard that is but you have to try. What you see on the outside of relationships is not what goes on inside. Don't ever lose hope and when the time is right, that special someone will come along. Normal people can go through multiple relationships until they find that special someone. Don't lose hope. Have you ever tried online dating honey? Do you think that would help you a bit open up? Much love and prayers to you and keep your chin up. xoxoxox

Thanks Mya, i got upset reading your post, because i realised just how lost and lonely i feel. You see i am sat here whats so wrong with me! I have had a few relationships but only a few, you see i am not very good at them and have been hurt by people, so here i am all alone, and its my own doing because to avoid getting hurt i've locked myself away, and thats the sad truth and it hurts so much to admit it. I feel i need a purpose in life, someone to get up on a morning for to go to work hard for, to make happy, to talk to, to share with.. I am far to shy to try online dateing. DAN

I am so very sorry if I have made you feel worse. I feel awful if I did. I am a highly sensitive person that has had anxiety all my life and I too had very few relationships and the ones I did have I had gotten hurt so much. I also avoided them like the plague to protect myself. It seemed everyone that I attracted was so opposite from my sensitive personality and I would come out of the relationships feeling worse than before. I finally gave up and decided never again would I date. And then out of the blue, I met my husband. He worked in my building and we just happened to strike a conversation. We saw each other more frequently and then went to lunch, etc. It just naturally happened. We have now just celebrated our 11 year anniversary.

I am very shy and reserved too. My husband, although he is not the shy, sensitive type nor suffers anxiety, still never approached women. It was a miracle he and I even ended up in this! You never know how they may begin. I was very frightened to begin the relationship with him because I was so hurt in the past. But I got the courage to be up front with him and told him about my past and the reservations I had. It took a huge weight off me and also allowed me to let my guard down more. It also allowed he and I to understand one another on a deeper level.

With my anxiety and depression, I too have felt alone and needing a purpose in my life and I am married. I say that so you understand that you can have family life and still have these feelings. We are such deep thinkers and I know with my anxiety, I can be surrounded by my husband and closest friends and still feel so alone. I think it is very common for people like us.

You never know when you may meet someone and when you do, just be yourself. If that other person is worth your time, they will listen and understand. Just when I had given up, that is when I had met him. I am not sure if there are activities or clubs you can join too where you could meet new people? My good friend who was single purchased a dog and met her significant other at the park. There are thousands of ways people meet. Try and stay positive because you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Wishing you the best

Hi Mya, oh no i never ment it to come across like that, you didnt make me feel bad at all, now i feel bad thinking i made you feel bad thinking you made me feel bad, mmmm i don't think that makes any sense at all, haha.... but hopefully you know what i mean, thankyou for your kind words and encouragement, it really lifted me up reading your story, and i am so pleased you have now found happiness and yes who knows maybe one day i too might find happiness too, i live in hope... Dont feel bad my freind, like i said your story is one that has given me hope too.. Thankyou Mya take care..

Dan