Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

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04-08-21, 10:10
Toby2000

Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Hi everyone,

I've never really spoken much about general depression etc. on this site, mostly just health anxiety - which is still a problem for me at the moment, but I feel like I need to talk, or vent, about how bad my mental health is in general right now.

Honestly, I don't know where to begin... some of you will know that I'm an incredibly unmotivated person with social anxiety, I'm 20-years-old, never had a job, and I'm terrified to get one. I've been doing a lot of thinking and these feelings all seem to tie back to how I feel about my appearance. To put it bluntly, I feel like I'm the ugliest person alive on the planet right now. A lot of the time I avoid mirrors around the house and the front camera on my phone so I don't have to be reminded of the way I look, and I feel like nobody is ever going to want to be in a relationship with me. There are certain aspects of my appearance that I just can't change and I feel cursed. Whenever I go out for whatever reason, I feel like a "sore thumb" who everyone is staring at. Sure, I could lose weight (I'm "average" weight, not skinny at all, but I don't look conventionally fat, not that there's anything wrong with that) and I think that would improve the way I look and feel, but I would still look ugly.

I know most people will say "I bet you're not ugly" - my head shape is ugly, my nose is ugly, my ear lobes are ugly, my lips are ugly, my side-profile is extremely ugly in my opinion. I've been called things in school before (so has everyone) that have stuck with me, and will stick with me, for life. I've been rejected by certain people before because of my looks.

I've spent the most part of the past 4 years, since I left school, just hiding away from the world and people my age who I may know. My self-esteem has never been worse than it is now and it's just dawning on me that I can't live a "normal" life like everyone else because of these inhibitions. I'm lonely. I could cry thinking about all the things I'm missing out on in life for these reasons that I can't change - I can't make myself suddenly become attractive. Nobody is ever going to want to sustain a relationship with me because I'm just abnormally ugly. I've seen other "ugly" people in friendship groups and everything, but I don't want to be friendzoned for my entire life. I'm jealous of the attractive people.

I have "spoken" with people online before in that way who at least said they found me attractive, but I just feel like they're just being nice. But I've also spoken to a handful of people on dating apps etc. who lose interest in me once they see what I look like. Which is the biggest punch in the gut ever.

So yeah - right now, I'm just feeling extremely depressed and hopeless and not really worth it. Doomed to be lonely, unless maybe someone settles for me for lack of a better option, or is attracted to just my personality, which I think would be a little sad.

And on top of that, I'm also worrying about my health currently, and the fact that real life is catching up with me after I've been avoiding it for so long.

Therapy is something that I like the sound of at the moment, but I don't know if "Breathe in and out" / "Challenge this thought" will be of much help to me.

Thanks so much for reading.
04-08-21, 11:47
meltedchic

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Uhmmm I find it hard to comment because you are describing yourself as ugly like your nose, lips, earlobes and etc. But, haven't you considered that you are lucky that you were born in a normal condition and you have all the chance to see how beautiful our world is. You are given an opportunity to study, to go outside, to eat so learn to enjoy every moment. Don't focus on your looks because you are more than that. What you need right know is boosting your confidence and focus on the skills or talents that you have. Always look for opportunities where you can enhance yourself and always remember, the first one who love is no other one but YOU and everything will follow.
04-08-21, 11:49
Toby2000

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by meltedchic

Uhmmm I find it hard to comment because you are describing yourself as ugly like your nose, lips, earlobes and etc. But, haven't you considered that you are lucky that you were born in a normal condition and you have all the chance to see how beautiful our world is. You are given an opportunity to study, to go outside, to eat so learn to enjoy every moment. Don't focus on your looks because you are more than that. What you need right know is boosting your confidence and focus on the skills or talents that you have. Always look for opportunities where you can enhance yourself and always remember, the first one who love is no other one but YOU and everything will follow.

That's true. Things could be worse. Thanks for the reply.
05-08-21, 04:25
Toby2000

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Anyone else have any advice? I'm just really struggling with this atm
05-08-21, 05:20
BlueIris

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Drat, wrote a huge reply and the site ate it. Will be up in an hour or so and at the computer, and will rewrite it then.
05-08-21, 06:43
Toby2000

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueIris

Drat, wrote a huge reply and the site ate it. Will be up in an hour or so and at the computer, and will rewrite it then.

Aw thanks so much. You don't have to rewrite it though if you don't want to. Maybe you could just summarize

Either way, I'm really grateful! :)
05-08-21, 07:12
BlueIris

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Okay, so...

Depression sucks. Full disclosure: I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was 18, and I first remember having suicidal thoughts when I was in single digits. I'm no stranger to the self-loathing, or how it can tire you out. Heck, I've been in a flare-up for the past few months, since I did jury service and it tripped a whole bunch of my triggers.

Now that's out of the way...
There are people who'll only judge you on your looks. I have no idea how good looking you are or aren't, I can only say that I'm fairly severely obese and have a bunch of mental health issues that make me a pain in the rear to deal with. None of this has ever been a particular hurdle to me having friends or sexual partners. My husband of nearly 19 years appears to think I'm genuinely beautiful. I have no bloody clue why, but I'm grateful for it every single day.

So, what you need to do is find the people that count, and make yourself appealing to them. Unfortunately, this isn't something you can do without coming out of your shell a bit, either in person or online (I get that online is so much easier!). Jobs are terrifying, interviewing for a job is even more terrifying. Some of the time, I hate my job. I still go a bit loopy without it, though, which is why I need to be careful about how much leave I take at any one time. If you don't feel ready for that, maybe consider volunteering for a bit at a charity shop or an animal shelter. Places like these are likely to be a bit more flexible because they're not paying you and they're likely to get a lot of people who don't necessarily fit in.

That doesn't appeal? Maybe think about going back to college - you could do a media course which might help you towards voice acting or doing creative stuff either online or in person. This is the right time of year, too - colleges are just getting ready to enrol and they'll be willing to talk to you.

The other thing I'd suggest is getting a hobby. Again, this can be a sanity saver if you don't have much to do. If you're not up to human interaction, I really recommend Duolingo, it's a really quick and easy way to pick up language skills, which are always incredibly useful. OR, you could learn to cook - this would help your mum out and likely improve your diet. Cooking is another thing that really helps with my anxiety, I think the trick is that it engages all your senses and gets you living in the moment, plus making good food can give you a tremendous sense of accomplishment.

It may also be worth investigating men's sheds: https://menssheds.org.uk/
Again, these have a great reputation for providing a supportive environment for men while helping them make great stuff.

Chin up, okay? It's a tough world, but if you can summon the energy and courage to put yourself out there a tiny bit, it can really help.
05-08-21, 09:00
NoraB

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toby2000

Therapy is something that I like the sound of at the moment, but I don't know if "Breathe in and out" / "Challenge this thought" will be of much help to me.

Thanks so much for reading.

Toby, this is a new thread about the same subject from a few weeks ago..

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showth...ody-Dysmorphia

I get it, I really do, but what responses are you hoping to get here that you didn't get before?

I wrote you a massive reply on that thread. I had body dysmorphia and that's how I overcame it. Sympathy is a given but it won't help you out of the hole you're in..

You can either keep recycling the same words under new thread titles, or you can roll your proverbial sleeves up and get proactive and that starts with the decision that you're going to do something about this rather than wallow in self-pity. Nobody can do this for you - it has to come from you.

So you think that challenging your thoughts won't help?

What do you think will help?

If you're waiting for a time when everybody thinks you're gorgeous, then you'll be waiting forever because: beauty is subjective.

So swipe all that 'other people' shit off the table and start with the most important thing - which is how you feel about yourself.

To change how you feel, you're going to have to challenge your thinking and re-frame, and that's the bottom line. There is no quick or magical fix here because this here is a prison of your own making and the key is there; you just need to use it.

Wallow on the pity pot if you want but that'll get you nowhere. You are allowing strangers to dictate how you feel about yourself? That's some kind of power to be giving over to people who you don't even know, right?

Also, the jealousy thing..

We live in an era of digital imaging where we can make ourselves look like movie stars with a few clicks. IT'S NOT REAL!

People on dating apps usually bring their A game to the table, and that often involves some kind of photo manipulation because God forbid we should see somebody as they really are? A little of improved lighting? Sure. Changing our features until we're unrecognisable? What's the point? :whistles:

Have you ever rejected someone solely on looks?

If the answer is yes, you don't get to complain when people do it you.

The fact that you're only attracted to 'attractive' people suggests that you have?

You're young and that's why this shit matters to you more than it should do. I blame all this photo manipulation crap!

To me, there is nothing remotely attractive about someone who is fixated on their looks, trust me. But somebody who can make me laugh? I'm there. A twinkle in the eyes? Yup. A nice @rse? Yep! In my case, someone who can let me be me and not do a runner. :yesyes:

I'm married to a man who tells me I'm beautiful and the most gorgeous woman on the planet, and he's not always drunk. And this is on days where I'm in bed (ill) no make-up, and with a month's growth of leg hair. I hit the jackpot with this guy and it only took me 15 years to believe him thanks to me taking on board other people's self esteem issues.

This is the sort of person who you want to aim for if you ever want to be happy..

Anybody who will tell you that you're 'ugly' or use any other derogatory term - isn't someone who will make you happy. You need to adjust your expectations and search your heart for what you really want out of life..

That is, unless you're actually into people with as much depth as a toddlers paddling pool? :shrug:
05-08-21, 09:32
Toby2000

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueIris

Okay, so...

Depression sucks. Full disclosure: I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was 18, and I first remember having suicidal thoughts when I was in single digits. I'm no stranger to the self-loathing, or how it can tire you out. Heck, I've been in a flare-up for the past few months, since I did jury service and it tripped a whole bunch of my triggers.

Now that's out of the way...
There are people who'll only judge you on your looks. I have no idea how good looking you are or aren't, I can only say that I'm fairly severely obese and have a bunch of mental health issues that make me a pain in the rear to deal with. None of this has ever been a particular hurdle to me having friends or sexual partners. My husband of nearly 19 years appears to think I'm genuinely beautiful. I have no bloody clue why, but I'm grateful for it every single day.

So, what you need to do is find the people that count, and make yourself appealing to them. Unfortunately, this isn't something you can do without coming out of your shell a bit, either in person or online (I get that online is so much easier!). Jobs are terrifying, interviewing for a job is even more terrifying. Some of the time, I hate my job. I still go a bit loopy without it, though, which is why I need to be careful about how much leave I take at any one time. If you don't feel ready for that, maybe consider volunteering for a bit at a charity shop or an animal shelter. Places like these are likely to be a bit more flexible because they're not paying you and they're likely to get a lot of people who don't necessarily fit in.

That doesn't appeal? Maybe think about going back to college - you could do a media course which might help you towards voice acting or doing creative stuff either online or in person. This is the right time of year, too - colleges are just getting ready to enrol and they'll be willing to talk to you.

The other thing I'd suggest is getting a hobby. Again, this can be a sanity saver if you don't have much to do. If you're not up to human interaction, I really recommend Duolingo, it's a really quick and easy way to pick up language skills, which are always incredibly useful. OR, you could learn to cook - this would help your mum out and likely improve your diet. Cooking is another thing that really helps with my anxiety, I think the trick is that it engages all your senses and gets you living in the moment, plus making good food can give you a tremendous sense of accomplishment.

It may also be worth investigating men's sheds: https://menssheds.org.uk/
Again, these have a great reputation for providing a supportive environment for men while helping them make great stuff.

Chin up, okay? It's a tough world, but if you can summon the energy and courage to put yourself out there a tiny bit, it can really help.

Thanks so much for the reply!

First of all, so happy that you have such a nice & supportive husband! You've been married for almost as long as I've been alive.

I have no choice on the job front, my mum is giving until midway through next year to sort myself out and find one. Whenever I do get one, I would rather a job where I don't have to deal with people. It's not that I'm bad at that, but I'd just always feel intimidated and judged and awkward because I feel so ugly and everyone else is so collected. Also, there's the fact that I would have to see people from school who I haven't seen in ages. That's my biggest fear for some reason because I just know they'd be laughing at me inside their head. And then there's the apathy... I'm just so used to existing in my own bubble that doing things, hell, even getting up early, is so exhausting to me. I can barely even take the dog for a walk nowadays because I just feel so drained when I do the literal bare minimum, how will I survive in the real world when I have to get a job?

Building things isn't really my thing (nor is doing typical "manly" activities) but I did really enjoy college when I went, it felt like a judgement-free zone where people actually didn't care what you looked like... before I became so apathetic that I dropped out twice. But it would look & feel strange if I went back now, a soon to be 21-year-old failure sitting among 16-year-olds.

I know you probably think I'm unable to function when I'm around people, but I'm actually okay as long as I'm not surrounded by people who intimidate me... mostly those of my own age. If I were living somewhere where I knew nobody, I think it would be easier to get a job and mix more.
05-08-21, 09:41
BlueIris

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Nah, I get you. Half the people who know me refuse to believe I can talk, the other half don't believe I can stop talking! I'm the queen of socially awkward ;)

Starting a new job is always tiring, but it does get easier as you get used to it. Pro tip: you may want to look into an apprenticeship in Business Admin, it'll give you a source of income while you get your skillset up.
05-08-21, 09:50
Toby2000

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoraB

Toby, this is a new thread about the same subject from a few weeks ago..

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showth...ody-Dysmorphia

I get it, I really do, but what responses are you hoping to get here that you didn't get before?

I wrote you a massive reply on that thread. I had body dysmorphia and that's how I overcame it. Sympathy is a given but it won't help you out of the hole you're in..

You can either keep recycling the same words under new thread titles, or you can roll your proverbial sleeves up and get proactive and that starts with the decision that you're going to do something about this rather than wallow in self-pity. Nobody can do this for you - it has to come from you.

So you think that challenging your thoughts won't help?

What do you think will help?

If you're waiting for a time when everybody thinks you're gorgeous, then you'll be waiting forever because: beauty is subjective.

So swipe all that 'other people' shit off the table and start with the most important thing - which is how you feel about yourself.

To change how you feel, you're going to have to challenge your thinking and re-frame, and that's the bottom line. There is no quick or magical fix here because this here is a prison of your own making and the key is there; you just need to use it.

Wallow on the pity pot if you want but that'll get you nowhere. You are allowing strangers to dictate how you feel about yourself? That's some kind of power to be giving over to people who you don't even know, right?

Also, the jealousy thing..

We live in an era of digital imaging where we can make ourselves look like movie stars with a few clicks. IT'S NOT REAL!

People on dating apps usually bring their A game to the table, and that often involves some kind of photo manipulation because God forbid we should see somebody as they really are? A little of improved lighting? Sure. Changing our features until we're unrecognisable? What's the point? :whistles:

Have you ever rejected someone solely on looks?

If the answer is yes, you don't get to complain when people do it you.

The fact that you're only attracted to 'attractive' people suggests that you have?

You're young and that's why this shit matters to you more than it should do. I blame all this photo manipulation crap!

To me, there is nothing remotely attractive about someone who is fixated on their looks, trust me. But somebody who can make me laugh? I'm there. A twinkle in the eyes? Yup. A nice @rse? Yep! In my case, someone who can let me be me and not do a runner. :yesyes:

I'm married to a man who tells me I'm beautiful and the most gorgeous woman on the planet, and he's not always drunk. And this is on days where I'm in bed (ill) no make-up, and with a month's growth of leg hair. I hit the jackpot with this guy and it only took me 15 years to believe him thanks to me taking on board other people's self esteem issues.

This is the sort of person who you want to aim for if you ever want to be happy..

Anybody who will tell you that you're 'ugly' or use any other derogatory term - isn't someone who will make you happy. You need to adjust your expectations and search your heart for what you really want out of life..

That is, unless you're actually into people with as much depth as a toddlers paddling pool? :shrug:

Thanks so much for this reply!

I actually completely forgot that I made that post... thanks for reminding me of its existence. I'll go back and re-read your other reply too after typing this.

Sometimes I actually do feel confident and comfortable in my own skin, but then I see a photo of myself from a certain angle or something and I panic, thinking: "Is this really what I look like?"

I can't remember if I mentioned it on the other post, but I sometimes film myself turning on the spot from all angles, and then I can spend like 30 minutes examining those videos and zooming in and seeing what looks "alright" and what looks bad... and then I find myself just accepting that I'm ugly and giving up, until the next time.

I know there's this thing of "it's not real," but there are people out there who do look amazing and perfect all the time, both online and in real life... or even just presentable all the time, by default, and then there's me who looks like an unattractive weirdo by default. I feel like I have to work to even make myself look remotely acceptable.

Oh no, I would never reject anyone because of their looks. Sometimes I might unfairly prejudge people in my head based on their looks, but I think everyone does that... thoughts can't be controlled, but what we say to people, and do, obviously can be controlled, and I would definitely never reject anyone because of the way they look. If I'm talking to someone on a dating app and I don't find myself attracted to them, I would just say that I have to leave because I'm busy or something, I would never want anyone to feel rejected the way I do sometimes.

Also, I love that you found a partner who treats you like that. He sounds amazing! I feel like I can only dream of that.
05-08-21, 09:54
Toby2000

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueIris

Nah, I get you. Half the people who know me refuse to believe I can talk, the other half don't believe I can stop talking! I'm the queen of socially awkward ;)

Starting a new job is always tiring, but it does get easier as you get used to it. Pro tip: you may want to look into an apprenticeship in Business Admin, it'll give you a source of income while you get your skillset up.

Weirdly enough, I've always liked the sound of working in an office environment- I'm good with computers and that way I wouldn't have to see anyone other than co-workers. I might look into doing something like that.
05-08-21, 10:04
NoraB

Re: Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toby2000

Thanks so much for the reply!

First of all, so happy that you have such a nice & supportive husband! You've been married for almost as long as I've been alive.

Ta mate. I'm on my second marriage lol (first one lasted almost 20 years)

Quote:

I have no choice on the job front, my mum is giving until midway through next year to sort myself out and find one. Whenever I do get one, I would rather a job where I don't have to deal with people.

You've just reduced potential jobs to about 2%. Unless you fancy working on a lighthouse you have to get your head around the fact that you will most likely be working with at least one other person..

Quote:

It's not that I'm bad at that, but I'd just always feel intimidated and judged and awkward because I feel so ugly and everyone else is so collected.

You can't see into their minds and read their thoughts but you're sure of this?

Quote:

Also, there's the fact that I would have to see people from school who I haven't seen in ages. That's my biggest fear for some reason because I just know they'd be laughing at me inside their head.

Or maybe they've grown up enough to be thinking of other things? Like jobs or paying for cars or starting a family? Paying back a student loan? Basically a million things other than you, right?

You're making a lot of presumptions here Toby? And I'm a pro at this, so I know what I'm on about!

Quote:

And then there's the apathy... I'm just so used to existing in my own bubble that doing things, hell, even getting up early, is so exhausting to me. I can barely even take the dog for a walk nowadays because I just feel so drained when I do the literal bare minimum, how will I survive in the real world when I have to get a job?

I'm autistic but I wasn't diagnosed until the age of 46. I had no support like kids do today. I struggled through my life - getting by on pure determination and nervous energy. While I didn't know I was autistic, I was well aware that life appeared to be a lot more difficult for me for than most other people. Doing nothing was never an option for me. I made many mistakes jobwise before I realised that shift work and working with minimal social interaction suits me best - so being a school caretaker was my 'perfect' job - working alongside another lady who made me laugh until I cried! I've worked in factories, warehouses, nurseries, and hairdressers as well. In my case, it was my social skills (or lack of) and communication which was the issue but I got around everything and learned to work to my strengths..

The reason I'm giving you my life story - albeit condensed - is to show you that I struggled too, but doing nothing was never an option!

There is a job out there for you which will make you happy and where you will work with people who like, and who like you. You just have to search for it and be prepared to make your mistakes..

Quote:

But it would look & feel strange if I went back now, a soon to be 21-year-old failure sitting among 16-year-olds.

I went to college when I was older than you are now. I earned myself an NVQ in childcare and education. After all that hard work I got a job in a private nursery and realised that - aside my own kids (and now grandchildren) that I don't actually like other people's children all that much? Especially spoiled ones with equally spoilt parents! Oops!

Quote:

I know you probably think I'm unable to function when I'm around people, but I'm actually okay as long as I'm not surrounded by people who intimidate me... mostly those of my own age. If I were living somewhere where I knew nobody, I think it would be easier to get a job and mix more.

You're surrounded by people who you are allowing to intimidate you and I'm afraid you are going to encounter such people no matter where you go Toby. You can't control how people act towards you, but you can control how you respond, right?

I think you are a really nice guy. I don't need to see you to know that. You're a sensitive guy and that's a tick in my box of likability. You just need to focus less on your looks (and other people's looks) and focus more on changing your existence to one which makes you happy and brings you some coin so you can do stuff. The perfect job doesn't exist. Even my caretaker job meant I had to speak to the teachers everyday and occasionally deal with workmen & three year old kids who wanted me to hold their pasta pictures while they took in a dump in my freshly cleaned toilets lol

Fear will keep you from living. You have to face that sucka and show it who's boss..:shades: