A setback

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd been doing better recently until yesterday I had a setback from which I'm still recovering (slowly).

I went to hospital in a nearby town (Bodmin) yesterday for an appointment with a consultant (gastro-enterology) and on the bus on the way to the town saw a sign for a crematorium. I think this probably doubled my anxiety levels on the spot.

Once I got off the bus I went into a panic attack which lasted most of the day and meant I was obliged to take two taxi rides I hadn't budgeted for and couldn't really afford (total cost £7) to and fro from the centre of town to the hospital. If the worst panic attack I've had was a 10, this one was a 7 or even an 8.

If I learnt anything from yesterday, it's that the key seems to be to stop the attack happening in the first place because once it has done your resources are too dispersed to cope effectively; if I'm any guide, anyway.

Also, don't try to overextend yourself and take on too much. I've had problems with Bodmin in the past (outside the town centre anyway) because of the wide open streets, exposed nature of the landscape and fast-moving and often heavy traffic. I used to be able to cope with it much better than this, however, and hopefully will again.

:yesyes:You did what you had to do Graham and that is the main thing. As for trying to keep yourself out of situations which may cause an attack then this avoidance will close your life down for sure. You came through the attack and although they are aweful and frightening they cannot harm you unless you let the fear of them restrict your life. I am not suggesting you go into Bodmin everyday but that you live your life and accept that some days panic will be part of it. Hospital visits put our anxiety levels up and so leave us vulnerable to negative thoughts about death and so on. You did it though. You are a brave man, and the feelings will settle down now.:flowers:

Veronica

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Originally Posted by Veronica H

:yesyes:You did what you had to do Graham and that is the main thing. As for trying to keep yourself out of situations which may cause an attack then this avoidance will close your life down for sure. You came through the attack and although they are aweful and frightening they cannot harm you unless you let the fear of them restrict your life. I am not suggesting you go into Bodmin everyday but that you live your life and accept that some days panic will be part of it. Hospital visits put our anxiety levels up and so leave us vulnerable to negative thoughts about death and so on. You did it though. You are a brave man, and the feelings will settle down now.:flowers:

Veronica

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Hi Veronica,

Thanks for your lovely reply, you're absolutely right. The problem was that I only really came through the attack once I was on the bus home and feeling safe again; up until then there were "bits and pieces" of it hanging around.

Maybe there's an answer to that but I haven't found it yet. At home on my own it's easier to cope with panic attacks when they happen because I'm in control of my environment (more or less), so all I've got to deal with is my own mind (hard though that can be, I generally manage it). In a situation such as a strange part of town where I'm having to deal with stressful situations and am not sure what's going to come up next, it's harder to cope when an attack comes on. Maybe that's the next thing I have to learn!

Once again, many thanks for replying. This is such a great forum and all thanks to people like you who are willing to spend time helping other people who are struggling with panic.

Hi again,

Another update; I had another panic attack this morning (near and inside a big branch of Tesco's) but managed to get through it by focusing on my breathing and refusing to run away, so I now know I can cope with an attack in town as well as at home. Walking into town afterwards, which I wasn't sure I'd be able to do considering the state I was in (it's about a 10 minute walk but in very open countryside) turned out to be a doddle.

I haven't felt almost 100% better after an attack like this for a long time, so this is a very promising sign for me. Next year's going to be the year I put all this behind me!

BTW, I finally had my internal examination (a rigid sigmoidoscopy, last month) and got the all-clear.:)

Well done for getting through the panic Graham :yahoo:...Pleased that you results were clear ..I hope you continue to make progress in the coming year ahead .:hugs:Hugs Sue :hugs:

Yes well done graham, its very encouraging to hear stories of tackling things head on and coming out the other side, all the stronger for it,, keep up the good work, you will go from strength to strength. :)

tc

P x

Thanks to you both. I'm quick enough to say on here when I've had a bad spell so it's only right that I should do so when I've had a good one as well.

You've given me an idea for a new thread too, about courage. Happy New Year!

Well Done :yesyes:
I am happy that you got through your attack. Its not always easy and you did well.
I am glad that you got the all clear too.:)
Happy New Year!

To me everyone on this site, including you Graham, is very brave. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway (borrowed saying) is so brave.

We all feel awful but somehow, we all get through each day - even fight through each day...what a brave lot we are.

Thanks once again, and a Happy New Year to you both (and hugs back Sue).

I'm sorry in advance if this seems negative in the light of what I've just said, but if there was a pill you could take which would guarantee courage I'm sure I'd have this licked a year ago at least. As it is though I win some and lose some; as you see from my first post on this thread I lost that one.

The times I've beaten it have been those when I've taken a "reckless" stance towards it, like yesterday, when I just said on leaving the supermarket; "this next 20 minutes could be the worst of my life but I'm still going to keep walking 'till I get into town." As it happened it was nothing like that.

Sadly I've (so far) struggled to do that consistently. When the fear / panic kicks in it can get so overwhelming so quickly that to defy it can seem impossible, and it's more remarkable really that I do sometimes find the strength to defy it; as Typer says, we're all brave to carry on as we do.

I agree, we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for... :)

I know, that fear is just awful...in fact for me I fear the fear more than any other aspect - but here we are carrying on, carrying on.

To you both;

Yeah, that's right. It's almost as if the fear is a bully; the more you're scared of it happening again, the worse it gets. Every time you beat it though, you loosen its hold on you just a bit because you have an experience to remember in which what you thought would be an appalling, crushing experience (or even a fatal one of the panic attack is bad) turned out not to be as bad as you thought and you came through it to the other side.

Boy, do I wish there was an easier way though. Maybe there is and I just don't know it yet.

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Originally Posted by graham58

Once I got off the bus I went into a panic attack which lasted most of the day and meant I was obliged to take two taxi rides I hadn't budgeted for and couldn't really afford (total cost £7)

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Crikey, I thought my money situation was desperate :ohmy: :winks:

Your advice is good mate. A panic attack is like a game of Warhammer. The panic attack is the moment you throw a double six for your Ld test, and after the despairing cry of "Aw ****!" the natural response is to run like f**k until you reach your deployment zone (called "home" by most people).

The important part is to avoid having stress to build up to the point where you're overwhelmed and panic sets in.

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Originally Posted by PsychoPoet

Crikey, I thought my money situation was desperate :ohmy: :winks:

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Well, I did have a little money left to cover it but I tend to play safe financially when winter's coming to ensure I can cope with sudden temperature drops and higher heating costs . The cold snap we've had this winter proves my point :)

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Originally Posted by PsychoPoet

Your advice is good mate. A panic attack is like a game of Warhammer. The panic attack is the moment you throw a double six for your Ld test, and after the despairing cry of "Aw ****!" the natural response is to run like f**k until you reach your deployment zone (called "home" by most people).

The important part is to avoid having stress to build up to the point where you're overwhelmed and panic sets in.

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True, but easier said than done IMO.

Well done Graham, you have got the knack!

Once you can stop a PA developing you lose all the debilitating effects that come after which makes you feel 100% better in itself.

Onwards and upwards! :D

Thanks brunette. :)

I've got a lot still to learn though. The trouble is that (and this may sound silly but I can't think of any other way of putting it) courage is only there when it's there, if you know what I mean, and you need courage to deal with the overpowering fearful thoughts and feelings which come up when a PA starts.

It's a problem I haven't found a solution for yet.

Well done! Graeme

It's all about facing your fears my friend and if you keep acknowledging the problem it will help you overcome them.

:yesyes:

Thanks for your reply Darren. I acknowledge the problem all right, it's pretty hard not to when you're totally bricking yourself :)

Reminds me a bit of when I used to try to learn to swim, many years ago. Before I set off for the swimming baths I'd be full of good intentions about what I was going to do when I got there, but once there I couldn't see properly without my glasses (I've always been short sighted), the poolside was slippery, people were diving off the side and generally making me feel unsafe and, worst of all, the mens' changing rooms are always for some reason located at the deep end which you've got to walk past to get the shallow, safe part...

So I'd spend another hour splashing around getting nowhere. Dealing with my panics is a lot like that, it's a lot easier when you're not actually in that situation.

Must learn to swim someday, I still can't (though I can float, I learnt to do so in a kiddies' pool).

Another update; a good day today, went back to Bodmin (for shopping and other things such as a visit to the bank and to the library, nothing medical this time) and a panic attack came on almost immediately I got off the bus; however, this time I was able to stand still and breathe through it despite feeling very bad for a short while. (I had to hold on to some railings at one point though.) The same thing happened again further up the high street.

So bearing in mind how bad these things generally are, I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself at the moment; the thing is though I feel I need some more sophisticated tools to work with instead of just breathing and trying to relax when one kicks in, which is hard going and I don't always manage to bring myself to do it (or haven't in the past anyway).

Thanks for reading this (whoever is), and good luck with battling your own PAs.:)

Today was another difficult day unfortunately, when I went shopping in my nearest city (Plymouth). To start with, I don't like it when I can't see my way out of a place and I struggled with the new(ish) shopping mall at the top of the town.

Later, I managed to eat my veggie cooked breakfast in the market cafe despite having had a panic attack just before entering the cafe (and it was by no means over when the meal was served - I was tempted to run out of the cafe whilst still waiting for the food!), but I had another one whilst waiting at the bus stop to go home and that one was bad enough to persuade me to get a taxi to the next bus stop near the railway station, which is an easier environment for me to cope with, rather than wait about 25 minutes at a main road bus stop with traffic whizzing past at rate of knots.

Even getting the taxi was almost heroic for me as I was feeling so bad at that point that even the decision to cross the road near the market and go to the head of the taxi queue felt like an ordeal. Once the taxi driver had dropped me off I then had to wait about ten minutes at the station bus stop and, whilst it was easier to cope with than the previous stop, that ten minutes seemed like a long time with my anxiety levels still very high.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that's the way it seems to be; two steps forward, one step back. I doubt it's any better for most people who suffer from PAs.

Thanks for reading this,

Graham .

Another bad day unfortunately; I attempted too much (visiting a cathedral, which I have a problem with because of the large inside space) and got a bad panic attack (is there a good one?) as a result. Still, it's increased my resolve to get some help for this.

Another difficult day although I came through it in the end. I got off the bus in Launceston and almost immediately wished I hadn't as I felt a panic attack coming on. Fortunately I only felt bad for about 20 minutes and I was able to duck in and out of shops there (including a Christian shop in the beginning) until by the end I felt a bit shaky but still a lot better.

The week before, I'd had to go to Derriford Hospital for an MRI scan and felt very bad at the hospital entrance, waiting for a taxi after the scan. I made some progress though once I'd gotten to the railway station afterwards as I was able to get to the platform I needed and then on the train home; before, I'd have had to make sure the station cafe was open so I could have somewhere to sit down.

Baby steps...

Another difficult evening waiting outside Callington Tescos for a bus that didn't turn up (it might even have been cancelled, I don't know), and something in the street light above the bus shelter triggered a panic attack.

(Kept hitting my head on the street sign too, which didn't help, though not too hard.)

I had a bit of luck walking back into town later because the bus shelter was open and I was able to sit and wait for the next bus (which thankfully did turn up), and I got home safely. I was lucky also that there were a nice couple of teenage girls in the bus shelter who were able to reassure me that it was the right bus to catch.

I'm very sorry to hear this Graham. How are you feeling today? PAs are awful but try to remember your breathing when one hits. That's a lovely part of the world where you're living?

Thanks for replying and asking. Still a bit shaky, but I'm coping.

Callington's a bit sad really because so many shops have closed (it's going to lose its last remaining bank at the end of the month), but there's some lovely scenery thereabouts - Kit Hill and Caradon Hill are close nearby and both offer panoramic views on a good day, as is the Tamar Valley.

I live in Pensilva which is about 6 miles away, and if I go into town to shop it's either in Callington or (more usually) Liskeard, which has kept more of its shops. It's good for me to get out and do things like going shopping and visiting the library, even if things sometimes go wrong.