-
Posting success as part of recovery
Hi
I wanted to start posting any small success I have to aid recovery and remind myself of my progress.
I've been on 20mg of citalopram for 5 weeks and came from a quivering wreck to being quite relaxed and getting out and about, even joining the gym. This part of recovery was made by;
Continuing with a college course (very hard at first).
Taking short walks several times a day in the first few weeks.
Keeping social and talking to friends and family a lot.
Writing down all positives at first.
Formally relaxing once a day.
Forcing myself to spend time doing things I like.
Practicing strategies to stop general worry. (Tough as I don't realise I'm worrying most of the time!) Which includes saying -I'll worry later, that's just a worry I won't bother with it, or if it's persistant - I'll not worry for the next 10 seconds! ( I usually forget by then!)
Looking on this site at the symptoms to reassure myself that I was experiencing normal symptoms of an overactive nervous system.
Trying to remember that negative thoughts and feelings aren't permanent, and to leave them be. (I struggle with this)
So I guess todays success has been attending my first class at the gym - Tai Chi, I was nervous which would be normal for anyone, but I soon got into it.
Good luck all
Cathy
Update; 19/7/11
I am well and happy and feel like me again! I add this to give people hope that things can get really loads better for good! I have posted more to this effect in a post dated 19/7/11, but generally just know that I am proof that there is hope that we can be well and happy again.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Well done Cathy - sounds like you are working really hard at getting better and doing really well! :hugs:
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Thank you Janec, your encouragement is most appreciated.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Well done ! It sounds like you have made amazing progress, keep it up, I hope you continue with thiis !
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Thank you so much ZoWeeMcfly!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
This starts off negative but only to illustrate how I transformed a situation by doing 'nothing'!
I've had a setback this weekend after a busy week (with period) which left me very tired and generally worrying and feeling grotty.
This morning I was doing much of the same and desperately trying to get myself out of it by not thinking, focusing on something else, being mindfull and other things recomended. But all of this was making me worse. In the end I was on the sofa watching John Kabat-Zinn on You Tube and getting frustrated because I was getting even more anxious especially as he was saying to stay with feelings and not trying to change them - but I wanted them gone! So a circle of thoughts started that went; 'I'm worrying again - feel bad - want it to stop - need to call mum - or the doc to increase medication (I'm on 20mg of cit) - I might have a breakdown - need to look at self help books - tell my husband how I feel etc'! But I didn't do any of these things because Iv'e done it all before for reassurance and it only works for a short time. Instead I stayed put, I carried on watching the video. The thoughts went round again and I felt even more anxious. I examined the feelings in a mindful way; yep, I was anxious, and the thoughts were more intense. Still I did nothing but felt the feelings of fear and sadness. Again I just let them be, did nothing, they got worse still, peaked and BOOM! they were gone. How weird is that! Turns out I was afraid of the feelings and all these years I have been trying to avoid them by doing all of the above, getting exhausted in the process. Only when I confronted them and said 'cummon then let's have a look at you' did they loose their power. I have used this method for agoraphobia and it worked a treat. But becoming exhausted with all the worry and subsequent anxiety caused a lot of relapses. I knew I was doing something wrong to keep the anxiety going but only today have I discoved that I was running away from feelings, even by misusing mindfulness as a distraction rather than a way of sitting with feelings in a non-judgmental way, to be able to look at them in a compasionate way instead of a threat. And it's the threat of something much worse happening as a consequence of the thoughts and feelings that I was really afraid of.
I still feel tired and grotty, but I've used lots of energy worrying and I can take the rest of the day to relax and watch a dvd, or read or sit in the sun - without worrying and without being afraid! Result! Tomorrow I will be recharged and feel better, but I don't need to think of tomorrow right now, just lunch and 'Bride Wars!!'
Have a happy day!
Cathy
-
Re: Diary - Posting success as part of recovery
I have had sucess in moving forward with this condition;
In the last few days I have made sure I spent time at college. I decided that my art degree enhances my life so much that it was well worth the on and off anxiety of getting and staying there for a few hours a day. Yes, this may keep my nervous system stimulated, which keeps general anxiety going, but that's why when I got home every day I ate lunch and did nothing taxing for the rest of the day. (Luckily my husband isn't working right now.) During the first hour of resting with a film I had many thoughts and feelings of anxiety and worry as my body wound down. But the adrenaline went away if I sought no reassurance (self help books, calling people etc.) and was mindfull. I was inspired by Tim Catophers book Stress Related Illness which I read last week that echoes Claire Weeks and what the wise people around me say, including the kind people on this site.
So I am working on the basis that I need to rest as much as possbile to rest the nervous system which I have found to be a fundamental method toward cure (been running too hot for too long - could only see that in hindsight), and do nothing when I'm anxious until it passes to prove to myself what I fear won't happen - this is working well. I have also been practicing being mindfull all day by staying in the here and now, as facing up to my fears and worries without doing anything is obviously producing more anxiety for now. Being mindfull has shown me that, unexpectedly, I am actually feeling fine most of the time and any distress is being caused by worrying about the past or future. And that when I am in actual distress and stay with it, I find I can cope with it and it goes soon if I leave it. = BIG SUCCESS!!!!
I see myself as being in a transitional period. Moving away from old habits and building confidence in myself. I feel a little flat without the stimulation of anxiety followed by the feel good factor of being reassured, therefore I am aware that I need to fill my time now with things I enjoy or simple activities - I am listening to the radio a lot! But, it is working. I know I will be okay, and after 18 years on and off I will finally walk away from irrational worry and anxiety and panic. I know old habbits will try to return in times of stress but if I remember the lessons I have learned this time around, one reason I am recording it here, I will be able to nip it in the bud - another very important skill to learn.
I see this as a bungee jump - I have to take the leap of faith and trust in myelf that I will be okay, so far my rope is in tact!
Hope your day will be a happy one.
Cathy X
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Its great to hear positive news about anxiety. Well done to you:yesyes:.
Im on my fourth week on 10mg of citalopram and this week came back to work full-time, after being off for 3 weeks and have found it much easier to cope.
Previously I would have paniced when I had a "funny feeling", but now I think I have felt like this before and nothing bad happened to me and it passes.
I have days when i feel tired, but work have been really good and told me to take a break or go for a walk if I need to, so that all helps.
I think its important to recognise the success we have towards recovery, it may seem something small but they are all steps in the right direction.:yahoo:
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Well done avasnana for you success! It's very rewarding when you do something you were nervous of and it wasn't as bad as you thought isn't it! Is this your first time on cit?
cathy
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Thanks Cathy x
I've been on citilopram before and it worked well for me. Im about to increase from 10mg to 20mg, but think I'm gunn a do 15mg first then go to 20mg.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Well done, keep fighting and thanks for the positive post!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
This morning I went for a very slow 25 min jog for the first time in months. It's something I enjoy periodically and always feel I should do more regularly as it makes such a difference to my mood for the rest of the day, as it did today. It was a success that I acted on the thought that I'd like to go instead of ruminating in bed.
Another success was remembering another thing I used to do that helped enormously and did today; when I notice (the difficult bit!) I'm worrying about something specific, I will label it worry and tell myself it doesn't matter what the content is, it's worry and I don't need it. Don't know why but this does seem to help me to stop the worry cycle.
One more success was that I started to feel anxious about feeling a little spacey lately and generally copeing, or not, with anxiety this evening as I became more tired. Instead of telling hubby to get some reassurance or symptom checking on the internet I got up and started clearing the kitchen instead. This allowed me to realise that I can still live a normal life even with unpleasant symptoms. This gave me a huge confidence boost and the symptoms receded.
I have always found it difficult to find a balance between the rest I need to calm the overstimulated nervous system, and engaging in more stimulating activities to keep my mood up. So I am optomistically treating this period of anxiety as a learning process that will give me skills to live an even better life than before anxiety, with more confidence in myself, and of course deal with relapses efficiently.
I want to add for my own future reference that a lot of what I am doing now is achieveable because I am further on in the recovery process.
I just remembered a couple of other things that helped me today to stay outside my head and keep me happy. One was thinking about what I like to do to fill leisure/relaxing time that prevents worry/rumination but more importantly give me pleasure and a sence of achievement, so for me this is hand sewing, and I got on with making a lavender cushion for mothers day. The second was getting into a board game with my sons after lunch.
As the weekend is a tricky time with lots of spare time I'm giving myself a pat on the back - literally, for trying to spend my time enjoyably and in ways that are not condusive to rumination and worry. This did happen but was kept to a minimum.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Hazel B I've just realised your picture looks a bit like me!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Todays main success happened at about 11am at college. Basically I had a thought I didn't like and I felt anxious, weird and my legs were a bit weak. And I had the usual thoughts like 'can I stay here', 'why did I think that', 'I'm still not well', 'that's depressing' etc. I calmly went back to class as I was on the way back from the loo and thought 'I won't believe that negative thought', I carried on with what I was doing, ignoring it. I felt better soon and spent the rest of the day engrossed with my printing! I can believe a little more that I felt like that just because I was hungry or still had a little morning tiredness, anything rational other than the usual rubbish the chatterbox tells me. Although I am being kind to the chatterbox as it's interest is to protect me at the end of the day.
Getting to college was a success too as I am living with a tiny bit of spaceyness and in the morning it's worse, so getting out there driving to college is a challenge. I just carry on knowing that to sit at home would make me feel so very much worse as it would be stoping me from living my life and more importantly enjoying it! I dealt with it by reminding myself that I have felt like that a lot in the morning and it's just leftover brain fag while I'm still recovering. And most importantly I can tell myself that it is not impending madness or breakdown!
At the end of the day I was rushing to pick my son up from school after doing lots of great prints feeling like my old self; busy, productive and content.
I love that I just wrote that last sentence!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Todays success has been; in a lecture today I started feeing anxious about how I was feeling and if I'd be sick or freak out and I told myself - 'it's okay adrenaline I don't need you actually'. I didn't have a panic at all and I was able to concentrate on the lecture and forgot all about how I was feeling.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
When I woke up from an afternoon nap I started worrying about how I was feeling and what I was thinking, I told myself that I needed to give myself time to wake up properly and had a drink of water while talking to hubby about the kids instead. Then I got up and went food shopping with him and I felt good which I didn't expect, a couple of treats helped like some new moisturiser, and a tiny portable radio that I can keep next to bed and take to college. It was only £5 and will be great in the morning when the worry cycle can start. I discovered lately that this worry can be eliminated by a radio show or some lively music and I got into listening to Chris Moyle's breaking the record for comic relief, it felt great to be part of something.This makes me wonder again about doing some voluntary work, but I don't feel 100% yet and it would be foolish to push myself and get worse again. I did this only the other week; It was half term and I was feeling so much better I decided as I always wanted to belong to the smart health club near by I would join. We got carried away and signed up the whole family for £180 a month! We cannot afford this really but as my husband agreed with me that it would be good for us as a family we did it anyway. A week later I was suffering a set back and getting back to college and school routine with the kids, plus the worry of coming up with this huge monthly payment caused us to reconsider. Luckily the family activities we were hoping to do were unavailable to us so we had a good case to cancel our contracts. All this made me worry about being bi-polar, but I spoke to others who though it was a good idea at the time so I've put it put of my mind! My expectations were too high which is another issue I am dealing with!
So a good range of successes I think!; small treats - always important for keeping spirits up, distraction from worry, enjoyable activities, dealing with errors of judgement quickly and seeing mistakes as a learning curve.
I just remembered another thing I'm trying to remember to do; after years of trying to get to the bottom of why I get anxious and some recent counselling, I am finding that I view the past in quite a negative way, blaming my parents for the way I am sometimes. I feel this has led me to focus far too much on negative memories and there are just as many if not more good memories that I need to remember. So I'm trying to do this. I am also trying not to wonder what my children will come up with in years to come about my parenting skills!!!!!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Short trip to Tescos this morning on my own for the first time in ages. I felt like going and instead of thinking about it at all I just went. This method has served me very well with going to college, as sometimes I have been all set to go - coat on and all - and ended up not after thinking about how I felt and what would happen. Staying home after this really dented my confidence and set off a whole chain of negative reactions. The first being proof to my 'I must keep me safe voice' that I shouldn't take risks, secondly the frustration that I'd let myself down and given in to anxiety, and thirdly that there must be something wrong with me which usually ended up with calling a helpline for reassurance. Then came the fear that tomorrow would be even more difficult as a result and that I'd missed a day of doing something I wanted to do that would have enhanced my life. So in hindsight sitting in a lecture theatre feeling nervous for a while followed by a sence of achievement and going home after having spoken to friends and feeling normal seems a far better option!
There is another crucial factor to all this which is tiredness. Tiredness robs me of the energy and will to take it all on, I know what to do and why, but some days I just haven't got the energy to face it. Here compassion comes into it and instead of beating myself up I am starting to take a breath and say; this was a day in which I needed to recharge - what can I do to care for myself, then the thought of eating a comfort food lunch (mash with boiled egg, cheese and sweetcorn or covent garden soup!) in my comfy clothes watching a film makes me feel much better. In the past I have had to force myself to do these things as my brain is usually still ruminating and being drawn like a magnet to websites, self help books and more reassurance asking 'how can I get out of this';
BY STOPPING! NOW SHUT THE LAPTOP AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!!! After the initial adrenaline goes away I find some peace.Then I can have faith that tomorrow will be different.
Rest and sleep - two of the most important components of recovery for me. (That and distraction from worry.) Much of my problem comes from flogging myself on and on and on not realising that I need to rest and calm down. I'm still working on recognising early signs.
So after all this rambling (I never mean to write so much!) I suppose the next success today is recognising I was tired this afternoon and having a nap. Afterwards I finally booked two nights away for the family during Easter in Cornwall. We'll stay at a travelodge and visit Tate St Ives! Something to look forward to at last! It's a small step to taking a trip to France (parents live there) by plane in June which I haven't booked yet as last year anxiety made it miserable. But I know I will.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Typical Monday feeling today the same as everyone else, but normally I would interpret these feelings in the wrong way and start ruminating. I was succesfull at not doing this too much today by carrying on with the normal routine.
Big success came from allowing hubby to drop me off and leave me at college as he needed the car. I started to worry last night about how I'd be when left without the safety of my car and I had to keep reminding myself that I can't worry about tomorrow, just stay in the now where I feel fine. This worked well, even though I had to do it a few times, and when morning came I was busy getting everyone ready and once at college forgot all about it.
So another confidence boost from taking a risk. And more practice at getting rid of worry.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Last night I fell asleep too early and woke up soon after with the thought 'what is life for anyway', I have had thoughts like this in an obsesional way in the past and usually get anxious and worry about them thinking that I should just be living life and enjoying it, or I must be depressed, which makes them have importance and come back more. On this occasion I spoke to hubby about it (which I try not to do as my confidence lessens if I rely on him to make me feel better.) But what he did was remind me that everyone thinks like this sometimes and are not skipping about having a lovely time all day oblivious to the fact that we'll die sometime and nobody knows what it's all about! Funny because I dealt with a similar thought earlier in the evening by thinking 'all these thoughts are fantasy, just thoughts, what is real is what is here in front of me right now'. That sorted me out and I felt happy simply reading my book enjoying the evening light of the bedroom waiting to put the kids to bed.
So, success in putting things in perspective, accepting things as they are, and knowing we're all dealing with the same issues. Being right here and now enjoying what ever is on offer, or doing something to make myself more comfortable (usually taking care of basic needs - hunger, comfort etc - as this is something I have neglected in the past, but makes a huge difference to how I feel.)
In the night the cat brought the third mouse into the house of the day, I think it was the same one cos hubby didn't take it far enough away! It was 5am and I was in danger of thinking and not sleeping. Thanks to the relaxation exercises I do I can now relax my whole body really quickly and I was soon asleep again.
Two successes before morning -result!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Well done Cathy, you're doing brilliantly :hugs:
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
You sound like you are doing really well, Cathy!Well done! I am really enjoying reading your thread.:)
You will love the Tate in St Ives. I have been a few times. It is so interesting.
Hope you have a good, relaxing holiday in Cornwall!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Thanks PoppyC, I am really looking forward to Tate St Ives, even more so now you've said that!
Cathy
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
I've had a viral thing for the last few days, so my success has been to calm myself down to prevent anxiety/panic when driving on the school run and things seemed a bit unreal. I told myself that it was just the virus, I was still in complete control and if I ignored it I would feel better, and I did!
Other successes have been;
Being assertive with my son so that he now gets ready on time for school.
Asking hubby to help out when I felt I have reached my limit.
And in the last few days doing chores around the house so that it's quite tidy and clean around here apart from the bathroom which I hate doing! (It's been left for hubby to do lately as he's not working at the moment and I'm at college most of the day, but funnily enough he find's it more interesting to play pc games than notice the stairs need a hoover! Sometimes I wish I was like him!)
I've just had a book (Kiss and Tell - Fiona Walker) delivered (5 mins ago) that I've been waiting ages for! The last time she wrote about these charactors was years ago and I'm really excited to find out what happens to them and will be engrosed until it's finished! Great way to spend the weekend!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Just need to add another success today as I feel it is important because it's probably my main problem. I want to add that this is something I'm dealing with quite often and is made worse today because of the virus I've got and pmt!
I had a depressing thought I didn't like. Felt down and worried and a little scared. Had choices and poss outcomes;
1.Write down a thought record to get to the bottom of the thought, what I was afraid of, why, and to try and change it, or finding of core belief from it etc.
- Although extreemly tempting and very helpful for others, I know from past experence that for me this is the wrong thing for me to do. I don't really have any defining negative core beliefs about myself, and so all it does is keep the thought going, makes it more important, prevents me from doing something that might make me feel okay and happy again and make me withdraw from the family.
2.Talk to hubby about it as he makes me feel better.
- This takes the power away from myself to feel confident that I can deal with these thoughts.
3.Ignore it and read my book.
- Best so far but need to remind myself that I may feel a little sad for a while but the feeling and thought will recede into the past if I let it.
4.Look at a self help book.
- Again, done many times before, all it does for me is reassure me taking away my ability to reassure myself, filling my head with loads of things I 'could' do to help which is overwhelming, and again takes me off into my own world of 'there's something wrong with me that needs fixing'.
5.Post a question on here like 'is this a depressive or anxious thought and how should I deal with it'.
-Again this prolongs the experience, and I should reassure myself.
6.Let myself feel sad about the thought and do nothing, and see what happens.
- This is a good option that I can combine with getting on with something else.
7.Do something practical like housework to distract myself.
- I have found this to be a negative response as I have spent years trying to be busy to avoid negative emotions, and quite often the thoughts or feelings just stay with me as the activity is not engaging enough. I've ended up unhappy as I'm doing jobs all the time and very tired, causing stress and more worry and anxiety.
What I actually did was start to analyse the thought in my head and run through all the options as above. Whilst not ideal, at least I stopped focussing on the actual thought and realised that it was not the troubling thought that was the problem as it was probably a left over thought brought out by memory as I was obsessing over these thoughts before Christmas. No, the main issue of course is my reaction to the thought. Which makes it easier to deal with as I can see that the thought is connected to an irrational fear of - I'm not sure what, I can only guess - which then makes it easier to disregard it. It also helps to remember that everyone has these thoughts and don't find them an issue and so they go and are not a problem at all.
At the time my son was on Wii fit plus, and asked if I wanted to join in. Half of me had a strong urge to go to my bedroom to figure all this out, to get rid of the thought and make it alright so I can feel better, but I knew this would be futile and prolong the experience. So I said yes to my son and enjoyed my turn. The thought is no longer and issue and I feel okay. But more importantly I can remember the thought for what it was - irrelevant.
If I keep vigilant I will soon be dealing with these thoughts automatically, and they will come and go with only a moments effect on my mood. Then they will lessen and almost dissapear.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
I feel I had a few really major successes yesterday; I'm still really ill with a virus - raw throat, sore chest & really tickly cough that's affecting sleep - and this would normally be a great time for worrying to get a foot in the door! It is rare that I will notice the tiny thoughs creaping in that would start me off. I am trying to be vigilant, although I don't remember the initial thought, it ended up with 'do I get anxiety because I am weak, or I'm strong but take on too much'. Now, at the time I am thinking about why I get like I do with a view to prevent it happening again. Looking back, I know that when I am very well I don't think about why or what if's, and I don't mind about what life is and why we're here, I am just living it and getting on quite nicely thank you. So as I stared asking my husband, Mum and Dad why I get anxiety I suddenly realised what I was doing. For me, any introspection of this kind is just fuel for worry and anxiety disguised as concern for keeping myself well. But all this does is make me think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that needs fixing, and that I need to hurry up and work it out so that I never have to feel bad again. The first time I had anxiety I had had a lot going on in life and I can see how stress turned into anxiety. The mistake I made was that I then made it my life's mission to avoid it ever happening again, which caused it to happen again! This thinking and the lack of life skills that would keep me happy like doing what I enjoy (still practicing) and being assertive among other things keeps the cycle going. I need to live with uncertainty for a start, and this attitude, when I've remembered, has helped a great deal. As I can then believe that I'm not responsible for everthing or in control all the time. Yesterday as the thoughts were in the early stages I was able to stop and move onto something else.
Another worry I had to leave behind were about a possible extended family trip to France in June which if honest I don't want go on for reasons I've mentioned in another post. With this one I told myself 'I have a virus, I don't want to go right now but I may change my mind when I'm well so I can stop thinking about it now.' Again as I caught it early this worked.
And one more was money! I'm a full time student and my huband is out of work right now so having just worked out all out money for the next few months we know the budget. This is all good, and I quite enjoy sorting it all out, the trouble is I'll become obsessed with it and start thining of all the figures in my head which I did at bed time last night. In the end I got up and watched tv to quiet my mind which worked, but I was reminded that letting myself start to think about stimulating things isn't good at bedtime even though I like thinking about them!
I guess the main thing today is nipping things in the bud, which I feel I did very successfully yesrerday especially in my viral state and considering these have been deep seated habits for years and years!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Today I went to college and successfully came home having left my books there so I won't do any work over the weekend. This is good practice to keep my life balanced. I came home not long after I noticed I felt tired too, which is another challenge for me. When home I stopped myself after doing some chores at home and forced myself to lay in the sun listening to the radio. It took a while to wind down but I'm refreshed now!
I remember at college that I had some thoughts I didn't like left over from weeks ago, and I dealt with them by letting them pass, carrying on with what I was doing. This is working well so I must be quite well practised now and don't believe them any more YAY! Also I noticed I got them when I was hungry or getting tense or fed-up, so I could re-categorise them in my head as 'I'm uncomfortable and need to look after my basic needs' rather than 'there's something wrong with me'! Then I either relaxed, ate or changed what I was doing, and felt a lot better, and could decide what I wanted to do next.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
In the last few days I have taken the decision to stop seeing the counsellor at college. I haven't seen her for a few weeks for one reason or another and I have been getting on so well using the different things I have learned to help myself. This is such a positive step as a few months ago I felt in such need of support (which she reminded me is very important to realise when to seek support.) I saw her for the last time yesterday and it was a positive end.
Working with her has been both difficult and revealing. She said some things and we went over some things that were hard to take. But I got through it all and have learned these things that I particularly remember;
+ To notice what I need to keep myself well, especially basic things that just mean I'm more comfortable. (I have learned how essential this is.)
+ Recognise and not underestimate the things I'm going through, or have been through in life that I have been strong enough to take but require me to take into account the effect it has on me. That I need to take even more care of myself on these occasions, seek practical support from family or friends like anyone else would, and know that it will pass. The counsellor made me realise how isolated I have been at the times I've needed people around me the most, but I have struggled along alone, indicating how strong I am when I need to be. She also said my vulnerabilities are part of my strengths and it's all what makes me me - I'm still thinking about that one!!
+ Realise I am not the scared 17 year old any more, I have evolved and have life experience and skills that I mustn't disregard. To add to that I can now give myself what that girl needed and take care of myself as the caring mother I am now; If I do it for my children I can do it for myself.
+ Remember that I need to practice looking outwardly, and that I like to 'do', I like to be active and sociable which was a revelation as I thought I needed to do the opposite to 'keep myself well'.
+ Which is another thing I can let go of - the constant activity of trying to prevent myself from getting anxious or unhappy or worried, which just brings it all on. ACCEPTANCE is the one thing that probably all self help an therapists will tell someone like me. And I have found it the hardest thing to practice as it feel like I'm gong against my need to protect myself. More importantly is the skill of noticing when acceptance is the way forward. This is the answer the counsellor helped me give myself yesterday when I was talking about dealing with feelings about being unhappy a few months ago - I don't need to find out why and how to stop it happening again, I can reflect and perhaps notice what was gong on in my life then, but more importantly I can accept the feelings were there and leave it behind. Which brings me to my next lesson;
+ Living with uncertainty. I can only deal with what is happening right now. I can't predict what will happen or how I will deal with it. It's liberating to tell myself that.
+ I have the same thoughts and feelings as everyone else on the planet. Everyone deals with these differently but we are all the same. This is reassuring.
+ Being assertive is more important that I though it was. So I try to remember that I am as important as anyone else on the planet.
+ Self-comfort or self-soothing. I didn't get this concept when she first mentioned it, I thought it was something babies did to get to sleep! But what has become apparent is that if I feel uncomfortable with anxiety or agoraphobia, I can make myself feel better and not just wait for it to pass; I can 'hold hands' with myself by resting my hands together. Or stroke my thumb against my hand or arm, in the same way that I'd comfort my children. I can say to myself, 'you're okay' or 'it's alright I'm here', which I have done a few times and feel such a calmness that I have faith in myself that I am strong and can look after myself. This seems to come from my 'core'. Or even mentally put my arm around myself like I would have done to the 17 year old me had the me I am now been there (this is getting complicated!!) Or a good one is to go though what nice things I'll do when I get home or finish the difficult task.
What I have learned myself is that I easily give my power to someone else and expect them to 'fix' me. I know now that not only do I not need fixing, I am able to deal with things if I give myself time to do so and not expect someone else to rescue me.
When life feels as though it is small and I ponder the point of it all, I like to remember that when things change as they always do as nothing in the universe stays the same, life feels like an ever expanding series or experiences and adventures. All I need to do is branch out just a little to feel a little better, maybe not at first, but if nothing else there is a small sense of achievement afterwards. Something has begun to change. Then life starts to open out and get bigger, more varied and interesting the more I do and take an interest outside of myself. I get braver and the more positive things I do the more colour there is in life. Then the dark and sludge colours are balanced out and seem less significant, and get smaller as I practice the habits of doing more things that make me happy, so that when I look at my life as a whole, I will see lots of different colours and the black doesn't stand out any more. If nothing else when I notice I'm in my head with negative imaginations, just looking around and noticing that I'm here where everything is actually okay helps loads.
Part of me is very aware that I am taking 20mg Citalopram and this has obviously helped me, but I feel that we are working together, that I have helped it work by believing in it and it has helped me in it's way, acting as a crutch to help me be able to think more calmly, and allow me to practice the skills I have learned. It has given me the space to relax and feel happier after worry seemed an ever present habit and anxiety was a battle I was having every day causing exhaustion and unhappiness.
In the future I will continue to do what I need to feel comfortable, happy or content and practice accepting when I'm not, and give myself a break when life is tough, use it as a excuse to be even nicer to myself, put my arm around me and ask myself what I need right now.
If I can get used to doing these things after 18 years of unhelpful habits then I may not need the medication any more, but it's no big deal if I do. I'll see what happens...
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Excuse me while I give myself a little therapy session today! I'm trying to get to the bottom of something;
In the last few days I have been working hard at college, and work is encroaching into home time, lessening activities that relax me or are pleasurable. I have noticed that I will keep going even if I feel tired or hungry. I'm trying to figure out why I do this and think back to a possible belief that my needs are not important compared to what I'm doing or other people. I've noticed I do quite a lot of things when I don't really feel like it. Usually because I feel guilty, for example I have to take the kids out or they won't get any excercise even though I'm really tired. Or I'll keep going at college thinkng that I'll just carry on until I'm done so I won't have to go back to it later. This is all quite normal I suppose. Maybe it depends how often I do this and if it's normal
STOP!
I've just noticed I'm trying to figure it all out again. Lets look at the positives; I have been keeping an eye on myself and at least know what I need even if I don't do something about it strait away. Secondly, I'm obviously feeling tired at the end of a hard working week - the first since I was ill with a virus. I am worrying again that I'm going to get ill with anxiety again and worrying is pointless so I'll stop. All I can really do now is rest if I'm tired and only do what I want for a while, and carry on practicing noticing what my needs are and deal with them as they arrise.
I also want to log something about the diagram the counselor drew me in my last session with her. It was about the window of tolerance. At the top is high arousal (excitement, anxiety, panic, stress) and at the bottom - low arousal (a swiching off from things, taking a step back, feeling numb - I don't recognise this as I don't think I do this.) So, I need to regulate myself so that I keep returning to the window of tolerance or safety, where I feel alright - calm , quite happy, okay. The idea is that I push the lines outwards increasing the size of the window of tollerance, thereby feeling more comfotable with more circumstances in life. It works well for agoraphbia too. I like to have a picture in mind of the window as it makes it easier to remember what I'm doing and why. I'm going to look into this more.
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
loved reading this, has been really helpful x good luck and keep writing it is inspiring! Sue
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
I've now spent a while researching the window of tollerance and how to fix it.
All this has done is, yet again, make me feel as though I have something wrong with me that if not fixed with cause me to continue suffering with unhapiness or anxiety. I became more worried and even considered getting a book that would have carried this on! This is no good. I started to read about it to improve myself and feel better and it's had the opposite effect. I'm more tired and grumpy than when I started, I've been up for two hours and haven't had breakfast, so I'm neglecting myself in favour of dwelling on how to fix myself. My mission this morning was to relax and do things that make me happy and the opposite had occurred.
Any focussing on myself appart from noticing what I need right now and doing what I need to make me happy right now, is not good for me.
I'm going to eat my burnt porridge now, and sit in the sun and when I have the energy take my sons to the park!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Sue
Thanks so much for saying that Sue. Even though I'm mostly writing this for me to get and stay better, I'm really happy you find it helpful, it's given me a boost and reassures me that I'm doing something right!
Cathy
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Today I re-read some of the posts I've made here and realised the success I've had with some of the methods I'm using. These have made me feel so much better now than when I first started posting. I didn't realise until now that I don't feel as tired, and negative thoughts are much less frequent. I haven't felt anxious lately and I notice when I worry and can stop it. It's easy to go to college now and I feel relaxed when I'm there. The evenings are pleasant and free from rumination and negativity. When I wake up in the morning I will think about my art work unsually and hardly ever worry about anything or feel down. Today as it's Sunday I let myself sleep on and off until 10am. This is a great sign for me as it means I must be relaxed generally and I am giving myself what I need to stay well. (Hubby had a lay in yest. so it was his turn to get up with the kids.) Also I did lot's of hand sewing yesterday which I really enjoyed - I adjusted some tops so they're less tight around the thigh so I'll wear them more.
I almost forgot - I went out with hubby on Thursday night. I made an effort and wore nice clothes and did my hair and makeup. We only had enough money for a coffee and we ended up at his sisters house for a good chat. Lots of successes there, I felt great and we both had a good time.
After yesterdays thing about the window of tollerance I have to admit that I was bored in the afternoon and watched the guy who wrote about it on youtube. Basically he said to practice being mindful, even 10 mins a day of mindful meditation (noticing your breath (as an example) and coming back to it over and over when the mind wanders while acknowledging it's wandering is normal) is beneficial. Also social interaction and close relationships are essential as well as pausing before reacting to something. I'm now feeling satisfied that I'm trying to practice these things already!
I think the idea is that if a person reacts quickly and in an extreem way to feelings/thought/situations etc, either with high arrousal (anxiety) or low arrousal (shutting down) much of the time, their window is small and they often come out of it. When in the window a person will feel good about them selves, they feel they can cope well, feel confident in their abilities, and take on challenges. They get that feeling we get when life feels good for us. By using the techniques this guy Siegal mentions, we will be better able to notice what we're thinking and feeling and have time to rationalise and calm ourselves, thus bringing ourselves quickly back into our window. As we practice this the window gets bigger as we may not react as we once did and feel more comfortable and in control in those circumstances more of the time. If anyone reads this and thinks I've misunderstood please correct me immediately! I feel better now I've clarified this for myself, and am not worried that I'm not doing something I should be!
One last thing; I am trying to remember not to think - what can I do not to feel bad, but - what can I do to feel good. Weekends are difficult for me as there is no structure and I have to make an effort!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
You're doing well, keep it up! Stay busy at weekends if you can. :D
If you look like my picture, I'm very jealous, would love to have purple hair but my job is too corporate!
I started sewing and adjusting my clothes this weekend, it is a great distraction, time flies by and keeps me busy. I lost weight with anxiety and wanted my summer clothes to fit me!
-
Re: Posting success as part of recovery
Hi Cathy
I've just read your post for the first time and all the way through it I was thinking 'wow this is amazing and wow you are amazing for really taking control of your life'.
You should be very proud of yourself xx