I died.

Hello. I just needed to write this out I think. Im 26 yeards old, a virgin, and still live with my parents with hardly no social contact outside them or a friend I talk to online. I know I have ocd. I had for it ever since I was 10. But over the years I have suspected to possibly have schizoid pd or depersonlization. I don't know if either of these are true. For years I have had very few and weak emotions. I wasn't always like this. I remember having emotions as a kid and gradually over time they disapeared. I dont know if it was being bullied, having harm ocd at the time, or being a very scared child as my dad raged at me a lot (no physical abuse). Overtime my emotions just grew less and less.

About 2 years ago, I had a mental breakdown over philosophical arguments I read over the internet. About there being no objective morality, life being meaningless, nothing matters, etc. It broke my world to pieces. Im atheist so I have no religion to fall back on. I tried constantly searching over the Internet for c0unterarguments against those thoughts and nothing worked. Somehow eventually I managed to break through and lived as normally as I can f9r the next 2 years. Still was mostly emotionless during this time period.

But now the thoughts have returned. I can't help but think how everything in life is pointless. Emotions are pointless and meaningless. Love is pointless and meaningless. Human life is pointless and meaningless. Nothing in life matters at all. I feel like I have had my eyes open and have seen the truth in life and there is no going back. I just look at everything humans do and see it as if I was looking at animals. I'm scared because of this i will turn into some kind of psychopathic monster that has a blue and orange morality. I say I'm scared but I feel apathetic to this thought because I don't feel emotions anymore. I don't even understand emotions anymore or what they mean. But I still don't want to be like this. I want to stop thinking like this but don't know how.

I want to go back to how I was as a child, that had emotions and was human. But I cant. That part of me is dead. I just feel so empty now. I'm going to a therapist tomorrow but I don't think they can help me. I am too far gone. I don't want to be inhuman being. Why am I like this?

I'm sorry for the rambling and that this wasn't much of an introduction but I feel so empty. I keep existing in the hope of being who I used to be again but I lost all hope.

This is a fairly deep and difficult subject, and I would probably suggest focusing on one thing for now. Philosophy is too difficult to break down into online advice (I feel). Meaning is subjective.....

But, there's one thing you said that struck a chord. The bullying. Bullying, self harm and parental anger are definite trauma triggers. As a child you have no way of coping with these things, and emotions can become internalised and/or switched off. It doesn't mean that they don't exist, it simply means that they are not processed as a way of protecting the sufferer. You mention fears of schizophrenia....well that's also a very, very complicated subject. But basically, alternate identities can sometimes be created to help the child process what's going on. Even a child's imaginary friend works along the same lines, that the child has to create an alternative identity to help them learn certain things. These are just thoughts based on experiences that I know about, and may or may not apply to you. Schizophrenia is nothing like the way it's portrayed in the media and is actually far more common than people think. Depersonalisation/derealisation are strongly linked, and crossover with anxiety disorders.

As for feeling human again, well you can. There are various forms of therapy that can help you recover. When you speak with your therapist I would focus on how you feel about your perceived change from being a child with feelings, the bullying and parental abuse (and it probably was abuse experiencing that kind of rage) into becoming an adult that can't 'feel'.

Hiyer,


I didn't want to just pass by without replying. AnkietyJoe is right, there is a lot here and it is very deep and personal. I just wanted to say that I have felt what you have felt, not recently but in my 20s. I could have written some of your words then...

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Emotions are pointless and meaningless. Love is pointless and meaningless. Human life is pointless and meaningless. Nothing in life matters at all.

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It is THE most disturbing experience I have ever felt, it felt like I too had had my eyes 'opened' to the reality that everything was meaningless and pointless. It was truly awful and I can't do justice to the themes you have raised here in this very short post, but I honestly even didn't want to love an animal as a pet because that was pointless etc. I am also not religious, I would say agnostic rather than atheist, as I can't definitely say that there is 'nothing' out there, just that I can't define it and don't know it. I can reassure you however that there is 'going back' and refinding meaning and purpose. You will be surprised how 'human' you are in having these feelings, and how many many before you have felt the same. I do think ankiety Joe has hit on another point, the derealisation and depersonalisation issue and how that also has impact when you are feeling this way...but that is something to explore with your therapist.



Eventually I found my peace in realising that I wouldn't know the answers to the big questions of life, and never would, I had no control over that stuff about 'the meaning of life' and the empty feeling I had could be filled with my own choices. I did have control over the meaning I gave my life, I could chose that myself. Without religion as a safety net ( and I genuinely mean this as no disrespect to anyone who has religion in their lives), I created my own set of values and aims. I could have impact in my actions, I could do things that improved life for others, I could be remembered by those around me. Love 'may' be pointless, but others seemed to like it so I would give it in return. Too many things to list here.....but you get the idea.



Do let us know how you get on tomorrow, it won't be a quick fix, but you do still have hope burning there inside, I can see it in some of your words. x

---------- Post added at 13:42 ---------- Previous post was at 13:34 ----------

I wanted to add - you will need to open yourself up to change; finding some life away from the solitary-type existence you have now. Answers aren't on the internet in essay form, they are out there in the real world- things that touch you, people you meet, causes you get inspired by. Your emotions are there, they are just locked away at the moment as you are tired and scared.

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Originally Posted by Carys

I wanted to add - you will need to open yourself up to change; finding some life away from the solitary-type existence you have now. Answers aren't on the internet in essay form, they are out there in the real world- things that touch you, people you meet, causes you get inspired by. Your emotions are there, they are just locked away at the moment as you are tired and scared.

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I agree with this 100%

You are still human but you are a suffering human. That child is still inside you, the real you is still inside just waiting to resurface.
I echo Carys last paragraph. Get out and about, meet people, experience things. Do you like animals, ask to walk dogs at your local shelter. Animals are totally unjudgemental, won't expect anything from you and they will love you for taking them out. Small steps but you can claw yourself back into the world.
I hope you have a good session with your therapist, let us know how it went.
Take care

I agree with the other sentiments and wanted to point something out. You say you're emotionless but your words express it passionately. You do have emotions, they're just negative emotions.

I hope your therapy sessions can help you see the beauty in this world. I've gone through some very difficult times in my life and even in my darkest times, the sun still shone and I came to appreciate the little things that make life beautiful.

Positive thoughts

Thanks for the replies. I went to the therapist and she put me on some new medicine. I still can't get over these thoughts though. I feel like an alien observer on the planet asking what emotions are and why do humans value them. And why do humans value life so much. I just feel so far away from humanity.

I know I had made a post yesterday but I did not get to the core of why I feel the way I do. I feel like there is no returning to who I was before because of these thoughts.

I am currently in an emotionless state. I feel nothing. And in this state of nothingness I have come to ponder over emotions and what they are and why we have them. I can not come up with an answer. I don't know what emotions are, why we have them, and why they are important. I literally can not comprehend emotions anymore. They seem so idiotic and pointless. It feels like I have had my eyes open to the truth. What are emotions? Why can't we define them? Emotions according to evolutionary theory are just adaptions to help us survive and nothing more. There is no value to that. Love is just a tool and nothing more. Imagine trying to explain what emotions are to a sentient robot. You can't because since they did not go through evolution emotions make no sense to them. Aliens could have gone through different evolutionary pressures and evolved to have no emotions. It would make no sense to them.

I said I was atheist in my last post but I feel closer to agnostic in actuality. A god could have made us. And maybe they are deeper reasons to emotions. But I don't think we humans can find the answer. I look at humans and wonder why. Why live. Why feel. Why do anything. What purpose is there when emotions are not valid experiences. I feel like some psychopathic ubermensch. I can not go back to being human. I have opened my eyes to reality. I would say I don't like it, but I can't feel that emotion. I no longer know what to do. I have fallen into and empty hole with nothing left to do except let myself waste away into nonexistence. I tried reading philosophy over the past few days to find a counter argument but my mind accepts nothing because they can not explain why humans should find emotions meaningful in any way.

I wasn't always like this. But that part of me died a long time ago. I am nothing.

Take a look at Jordan Peterson lectures on YouTube. Not his controversial political type stuff, but his normal psychology lectures. At his core he is still a clinical psychologist and a lot of his topics center around the search for meaning in a cruel dark world, why nihilism is really just escapism, how to dig yourself out of "the belly of the beast" etc.

I can't say I've ever had your views but I've seen a lot of comments on those videos like yours that say his lectures have turned them around.

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Hi

This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.

Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.

I have also moved your thread into a part of the forum that I feel maybe more appropriate.

It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.

Elen

Jordan Peterson is a Christian. Or at least believe in Christian values. I do not.

I still think you need to focus on the childhood trauma rather than philosophy or medicine. What you are describing is textbook trauma reaction.

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I tried reading philosophy over the past few days to find a counter argument but my mind accepts nothing because they can not explain why humans should find emotions meaningful in any way.

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As I said before, the answer isn't in philosophy, its out there in the real world. (I studied philosophy for a year at degree level, and it freaked me out and I've not touched it again. I was too sensitive to many of the themes contained in philosophy.) It is about opening your heart to experiences with real people and real situations.


I'll copy and paste what I posted before, as I feel its relevant again....

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Eventually I found my peace in realising that I wouldn't know the answers to the big questions of life, and never would, I had no control over that stuff about 'the meaning of life' and the empty feeling I had could be filled with my own choices. I did have control over the meaning I gave my life, I could chose that myself. Without religion as a safety net ( and I genuinely mean this as no disrespect to anyone who has religion in their lives), I created my own set of values and aims. I could have impact in my actions, I could do things that improved life for others, I could be remembered by those around me. Love 'may' be pointless, but others seemed to like it so I would give it in return. Too many things to list here.....but you get the idea.

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Originally Posted by ankietyjoe

I still think you need to focus on the childhood trauma rather than philosophy or medicine. What you are describing is textbook trauma reaction.

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I don't understand how childhood trauma can do this to me though. Other people deal with childhood trauma and they don't turn into philsophical nihilists.

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Originally Posted by Imhorrible72

I don't understand how childhood trauma can do this to me though. Other people deal with childhood trauma and they don't turn into philsophical nihilists.

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Being a philosophical nihilist is a result of a symptom, not the symptom itself. You're trying to rationalise feelings that you had as a child that are now absent.

Other peoples experiences are just that, there's. It's clear from your posts that you think about things deeply, and perhaps others don't so much.

I'm still waiting for my therapist appointment but I don't know if I can make until then.


So for the past 2 weeks I have done nothing but lay in bed and thought. And thought and thought. And yet more thinking. All of it philosophical in nature. About numerous topics ranging from utopia, morality, god, the soul, meaning of life, evolution, whether life is suffering, social darwinism, you name it, I have probably obsessed over it. My parents are worried about me but everytime they try to talk to me I push them away because they will never understand my line of thinking and reasoning. I only eat and use the bathroom when neccesary. Otherwise I laid there and I did nothing but thank to the point of feeling dizzy. My mind going from one concept to another.

Recently I read two stories that really freaked me out and sent me reeling into thought. The first one is called The Egg by Andy Weir.

The story is basically about how everyone is actually one soul in different bodies and everything about life is nothing but us hurting ourselves in life. The universe is an Egg and we will all become one singular god. This story scared the crap out of and made me convinced that is what the afterlife is going to be like. So many spirtual people something similar to be true and it scares me and now I feel like it is the truth. I kept thinking and analyzing about that line of thinking and came into fear that I have been enlightened. That I have seen the truth and there is no one else except me.

And then there was a 2nd story called Talking to God that I read. This story is similar to the Egg and then talks about how humanity has to go through suffering and conflict and war in order to continue to evolve. And then when we reach peak evolution we will turn into a god. Stories like this scared me and have me thinking terrible thoughts like how war is good and we must suffer in order to advance ourselves. That Social Darwinism is the fastest way to advance ourselves. I tried reading counter arguments to these thoughts but I am convinced they are true.

I feel so depersonlized right now and so dizzy. Anxiety nearly filled me the entire day and now I feel nothing but these thoughts in my head 24/7. I have lost my moral compass and now believe that suffering is a good thing in my head and humanity must suffer more. Im too tired to argue against it. I feel like I have become enlightned or something. Guys is there any truth to my thoughts? Or am I delusional and this is just the depersonlization talking. I don't know what to believe anymore.

You must get up, you must engage with people and the world. That is not engage in a 'looking up philosophy' type of way, it is...for the moment forgetting philosophy. As I said earlier on this thread, and others concurred, the answer to your questions is not online or in books - it is by creating your own value set by engaging with the real world.

Hm...you know I was giving your earlier posts some thought yesterday because I enjoy the philosophical stuff like this (sorry, I know they are rough on you) and I thought up a similar thing on my own as your second book - which was that I wondered if the meaning of what we all are going through now is part of a journey so that down the road humanity achieves a higher level of consciousness. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm not totally buying it but it's an intriguing possibility.

More likely the real answer to "the meaning of life" is that there is no right answer. Each of us has our own meaning, therefore no one can answer that for someone else.

Anyway, Carys advice on what you can do is correct. I don't have this version of anxiety but the same advice applies to me and works - you gotta just get out there and do your thing, live life. Right now your mind is controlling you rather than you controlling your mind.

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Yes Carys is correct, you need to get out of bed and go smell the roses (so to speak).

You are reading stories that are just that, stories. They are other people's interpretations of reality based on their own experiences in life, and there have been billions of other people who have lived entirely different lives with entirely different outlooks on life.

Get out and look at some trees and squirrels, walk there, walk back.

Just some advice from someone who spent hours, days, months reading philosophy theories and stories like the egg these sent me in to a complete tailspin again believing they were true. I too grew up in a household with anger and was bullied. All that reading did was make me panic and disassociate which it sounds like is happening to you, you are reading and reading looking for an answer and more and more detaching from yourself, I think buried underneath all the research and blankness is an inner you that is probably very hurt and very afraid who wants answers for things, you are not inhuman, you are not an alien, you are someone who has got some self defence mechanisms that protect you from feeling and being vulnerable, I can’t say mine lasts as long as yours mine comes and goes but one thing that 100% makes it worse is when I start reading all these stories and philosophies, in my rational mind and when I’m well I don’t actually buy into all that, yes I personally have some kind of spiritual beliefs but things that sit right with me and my experience, I really hope the therapy helps you, but try to stop reading too much, I had to force myself to stop as it became addictive and I was ignoring life it was not healthy.

Best of luck to you

I can't help but wonder why I'm human. Why am I in a physical form? What was I created for? Why am I not a spirit floating through time and space? What happens when I die? Is life on Earth just a game?

I feel like I lost all connection to humanity. I don't understand the point of existing and surviving. Why do humans want to exist? Why do we cooperate and feel empathy for each other? Why do we even care? Why act civilized ? Instead of just behaving like violent mindless beasts and just destroy each other. What is the point of things like love and happiness? Why do we get love and happiness just by existing? These questions fill my head 24/7 with no end in sight. I do nothing but sit and think all the time about these questions. I use to believe in a point of existing and morality. I considered myself a humanist. Not I see no point in interacting with others and life. I keep questioning everything about humans and why they act. I feel like an psychopath or alien observing animal behavior or something. I don't know if it is the DP just tricking me or something to think like this but I hate it and wish I could take the blue pill.

I feel like a monster.

What are you doing to try and think of other things? You imply that these thoughts aren't good for you, but are you working on dealing with them? They have become an obsession. Your thinking isn't sound right now and I think you need to speak to a professional.

The OP hasn't been on since January.

Positive thoughts