Face doesn't fit?

I've decided to post this under SA though I'm not sure whether it addresses any kind of anxiety directly. But anyway on with the post. Do people on NMP feel like they're an oddball, an outlier, a fifth wheel? A stupid question quite probably being as we're on an anxiety site. What prompted these thoughts was yesterday as I was leaving the house to walk our black lab. The neighbours on either side came out simultaneously to collect their wheelie bins and I received a cursory nod from one before they engaged in animated conversation.

I had that familiar feeling of being on the outside looking in. I'm probably looking too deeply which I've been told I do and I'm sure having an anxiety/dep diagnosis plays a major part in these kinds of scenario. But even as a child I tended to be a loner and can remember my Mum saying I was always happy playing on my own. I'm sure back then it was 'shyness' playing a part long before it ever became clinical. And clearly these character traits were the seeds of what was to follow and still plague me as I type.

There is an element of envy when I watch others in groups, all laughing and joking. The 'in crowd' relating to their fellow human beings seamlessly. I should end this here as its beginning to sound like self pity which isn't my intention. More a reflection on what I feel is the reality of me.

It would be very boring if we were all "the life and soul of the party". And who knows how those "bubbly" (and intensely annoying) people really feel?

It's fine to prefer your own company. You're not committing a crime. You're a private and kind person who has always struggled with an anxiety disorder so you're extra sensitive to how you are perceived by everyone else?

I'm happy to be a private person. I don't have any problems with social small talk but I prefer peace and quiet and actively seek it out in view of my very challenging life.

I'd far prefer spend time in your company rather than with a so-called member of the "in crowd"! Quality not quantity!

You are most definitely not alone in this feeling fishman.
I've been like that from childhood. All the way through my work life and so on.
I'm sensitive, a little shy and seem to have a thing about how people perceive or being judged.
Saying that, on a one to one I'm more comfortable if the right person.
I could be lonely in a crowded room, a family gathering. But I also don't want to be socialite deep down.
I don't think you should worry about this fishman. I'd much prefer to chat to you then go to party or stand with a group of neighbours. But I get what you mean by 'oddball'. It's something I've thought myself at times. It's ok not to be part of the flock, the gang, the group. It's what suits your needs and comfort zone.

Join the club, FM65.

I too have felt like that all my life and whenever I join in when I'm amongst a crowd, it seems to kill the conversation.

Yes, I preferred playing on my own too; I much preferred my own little world.

Two wonderful and heartfelt replies from two of the best people on these boards :hugs: I'm not sure why I felt the need to post about this incident from yesterday. It's quite par for the course and normally I would be grateful they didn't seem interested in speaking to me. But occasionally you get this sudden need for self examination and it often comes in 'lulls' between anxiety episodes. So there's a lot to be said for rampant anxiety, it keeps us occupied.

How you describe yourself there Carnation, that sounds exactly like me. I'm always worrying about what others think. What I would say for sure though is the three of us meeting up in your tearoom Carnation would be something I could enjoy. Once the anxiety had settled of course.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pamplemousse

Join the club, FM65.

I too have felt like that all my life and whenever I join in when I'm amongst a crowd, it seems to kill the conversation.

Yes, I preferred playing on my own too; I much preferred my own little world.

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I think then that what Pulisa and Carnation said to me, applies to you too PM. I think we need to set up our own club, we've got four members already. Or the club you're already in PM.

I feel more in the right place on NMP fishman. :hugs:

Hey Fishman,

It isn't very often that a post hugely resonates with me, but this is absolutely identical to my own feelings. Where we differ is that I come across as extremely outgoing, the life and soul in some respects. People think I'm super confident and I'm never awkward about chatting.

You're probably thinking - that's nothing like me!

Where we're identical is in the 'feelings' that we have. I have limited my social circle as I get older as I prefer my own time, and time with my husband and family. While I have friends, I rarely socialise. Yet I seem to have some sort of trauma surrounding friendships as I've got older as I see groups of people chatting and my heart sinks. Especially on a sunny bank holiday when they're all laughing in the pub!

I don't actually want to be in that situation as I don't enjoy getting drunk (a major part of socialising!) so why do I feel this way? My Mom too said I loved playing alone as a kid. So why fight against it and feel completely abnormal?

You are definitely NOT alone. I completely understand! <3

I left Facebook this year because often I'd feel like I just wasn't "normal" because I'm not out socializing, going on holidays with friends, parties etc etc. The thing is I don't even want to do that anymore, I love my own company and my hermit life, reading books, making art etc..I socialized more when I was young and had some good friends as a child/young adult but I was always shy in big groups and never into the big party scene. I'm 50 this year and have accepted it's ok to lead life how you want and there's nothing wrong with that. I have a few close friends who I can count on one hand who are similar to me. We hardly ever catch up in person (because we are all hermits haha) but we keep in touch and I know they would always be there for me and vice versa if we need each other. That and my hubby and kids is enough social interaction for me. We are all different in our needs and that should be ok. Of course if the whole situation makes you feel sad or lonely and it's something you really want then there's ways to get help to become better in social situations etc. It really depends what's important to you and what you need to feel happy and fulfilled in life.

Alpacagirl, I'm so inspired by your ability to embrace your differences. I wish I could do that! I'm 47 and seem to torture myself with social media, looking at people socialising all the time! Yet, heres the madness of it! I was a party girl and had hundreds of friends when I was younger. I was a bit of a hedonist in many ways, partying to the enth degree! Now, I actually don't enjoy the superfiicial natue of drinking and just small talk, I prefer rich, quality engagement with people. So I don't even want to be out but I constantly feel like I need to be out! I suppose its that feeling of being weird or different!

How did you embrace it?

Munki, I don't really know how I embraced it. Initially I guess I cut down on going and socializing due to anxiety. But even when I felt ok and went out I'd come home and just felt a bit "meh". Friends had changed over the years (or maybe I had changed in the way I thought about things ?) , most becoming more materialistic or constantly bragged about their gifted kids etc. and the same happened all over Facebook. I just found other ways to spend my time. I love a good novel and would much rather sit and read than be out socializing just because it's what society seems to think we should do. You always hear " humans are social creatures " etc..Maybe all those articles are written by extroverts who bounce off each other and have more energy after interactions. I'm the opposite. I feel drained after a few hours of socializing and then need to recharge in my own little bubble. I've been off Facebook for 3 months now and feel so much better for it. My real friends still message me and chat. I used to spend many hours a day on Facebook so it was also a huge time suck. I just feel so much happier now just dealing with my own family and close friends. We have a lot of pets too so I never feel lonely and life just feels calmer. I didn't realise how much info and drama I was absorbing scrolling scrolling scrolling through Facebook. Even the news pages and getting sucked into reading all the comments and then feeling annoyed haha. We live on a big bush block, neighbours are lovely but we don't see that much of each other, I work from home, life just feels peaceful. Maybe I'm just getting old :D

What a great way of looking at it! I always think theres something wrong with me, especially when friends mention drinks and evenings and pubs! I assume I'm weird and abnormal rather than leaning into it! I speak to and message friends all the time. I wondr if perhaps I've outgrown my tribe, so to speak. I love having stolen conversations with people that get all deep and meaningful. Thats when I'm at my happiest! Friendships seem to contain a lot of baggage that I'm not very comfortable with. xx