Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!
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Originally Posted by
YvonneBelle
One thing I've noticed lately (might be an anxiety thing) but I keep having a 'normal' thought which then turns into a horror story. Like I have a particularly sharp vegetable knife that I keep in a kitchen drawer and I keep worrying about innocently peeling veg or something and then slipping and poking myself in the eye with it. It's only a flash.... but it makes me wince. I should add that this has happened before at odd times when I've been doing something 'normal' but a disaster film has played itself out in my mind in a Stephen King kind of way.... like imagining yourself falling during a graduation ceremony or getting caught in the escalators.... it's like a 'what if' thing your brain does in case something does happen I suppose. I've just noticed it a bit more lately. I know it's harmless but I think this sort of thing happens when I'm feeling more anxious than usual.
This sounds very much like the sort of little flashes I would get when my anxiety was strongest, usually when I was just waking up. My mind would dash me through a number of scenarios that felt like some sort of punishment. I get what you mean about running through those even when you don't feel anxious, I often watch things involving people standing on top of high buildings and when the camera gives you a long, vertiginous shot I feel a bit odd and now and then get this little movie running in my head of falling from that kind of height.
I would say that this is just our deep seated fears and depression working away and coupled with the anxiety we're going through it heightens that, turning it into something akin to mental self harm in a way. It's just a way for the anxiety to reach you and as you'll find out over the coming weeks, it will try to find lots of little things to use against you, this one is just one of the less subtle ones.
Better days Yvonne :)
Shaun
Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!
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Originally Posted by
Raindog
I often watch things involving people standing on top of high buildings and when the camera gives you a long, vertiginous shot I feel a bit odd and now and then get this little movie running in my head of falling from that kind of height.
Yup - me too. I think heights is a good example, it's hard not to imagine falling, especially when the camera gives you that shot......:ohmy:
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I would say that this is just our deep seated fears and depression working away and coupled with the anxiety we're going through it heightens that, turning it into something akin to mental self harm in a way.
Yes, it is a kind of mental self-harm. Hadn't viewed it like that, but it does makes sense. Strange indeed. This seems to have passed today tho. No more flashes (thank goodness) and also, not that I think I mentioned it before, but my eyelid has finally stopped twitching after 4 weeks of driving me nuts. :)
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It's just a way for the anxiety to reach you and as you'll find out over the coming weeks, it will try to find lots of little things to use against you, this one is just one of the less subtle ones.
I wonder why we (humans) do the self-sabotage thing? Like, shouldn't we automatically do what's in our best interests all the time, rather than working against ourselves? Perhaps it's an esteem thing, don't really know, but I think it's pretty common whether we are consciously aware of it or not.
Thanks for your comments Shaun. V.thought provoking! :)
Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!
Hi Yvonne,
You go ahead and have a good moan, it's your thread after all. You already know how it can help getting stuff out so go ahead if it helps even a little bit.
I can relate to your worries about your home, I was moving around a lot while at university and I was in a situation a little like yours, where the landlord was selling the place and I didn't know how long I had before I had to move out, and money was tight then too.
I might suggest looking at private residences as well, though they may be more expensive, but you never know, you might get lucky and find somewhere that isn't too bad with a good landlord. It's worth a try.
Somehow I've always found something turns up even when you feel it's hopeless, so keep looking and there's a good chance some stroke of good fortune will work in your favour at some point. Like most things with anxiety, it's not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel that makes it worse.
Even if you take a little flat for now until something better comes along, that will at least help with the stress somewhat.
Better days Yvonne
Shaun
Re: Dear Diary - I'm no longer sitting on the fence!
Thanks Shaun,
What you say is true - something does usually turn up just when you think nothing will.
I have rented privately many times before so have a good track record but it's the deposit and rent in advance that's always the killer. Plus estate agents fees in most cases.
Saying that, I'd take a studio in the short term. Reason I'm looking for council is the rent is generally lower and it would give me a chance of getting my finances under better control. Part of the reason I'm in debt now is because I've poured so much cash into renting privately and paying all bills. Plus it would be nice to be able to hammer a nail in the wall without some landlord breaking into a sweat. My only worry with a council property would be hammering a nail into a wall only to cause the whole building to collapse! :D
Another reason council would be a good option is the ability to claim HB should that be a necessity. Most private landlords don't like that - along with smokers, pets and nails in walls! Plus you never feel you can put your own stamp on it. At least with council properties you can practice decorating. Plus they carry out minor repairs - except they have a habit of turning up just when you nip to the shops having waited patiently all day!
Unfortunately I can't afford to buy and even if I could - I would rather share that responsibility.
Ah well - one can always live in hope!!