I feel like a bad person

I worry that there's something really wrong with me, more than the anxiety/feelings of depression I have. I worry that I don't connect with people emotionally and that I'm just going through the motions. It's hard because I do love my family and friends and I have been in a relationship in the past, but I get scared I was never truly connected to these people, as I feel I'm quite self absorbed. I'm also worried I'm quite awkward and strange because I don't like making eye contact.

I don't know what to do with these thoughts. I hope that I'm not actually a bad person for feeling this way (other people have said I'm nice, and I'm generous with money and time) - maybe my anxiety, which is usually health related anyway, is focusing in on this?

I just want to know I'm not alone. I feel so alone, like a robot. I've felt like this for at least a year, probably more. I'm just looking for like minded people who may feel the same? Is this something medication has helped with? I've had CBT but my doctors won't let me have another course atm as they say I should be using the skills I have, but that was health anxiety focused.

Apologies for the vent.

Hiyer,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, lacking confidence and feeling disconnected from people. You have posted in the section on depersonalisation as you can see that that part of anxiety can certainly make you feel not connected to people, places or events. The strange thing about this common symptom is that outward signs won't show you as someone who isn't 'connected', by that I mean that I suspect you are coming across totally 'normally' to those around you, but inside you feel that you are 'just going through it' because part of your mind is still going in anxious/depressed circles. This is why people tell you that you are nice, kind and generous, because you are - and they aren't in your mind experiencing the disconnection you feel is there. Focusing on your anxiety and depression makes the world feel a little strange for sure, as much of your emotional energy can be taken up with those aspects of living, with not much 'space' to really focus on everything else. The real you is the kind, generous and loving one, and that person is still there - once you are feeling a bit better in yourself you will start focusing outward more and those feelings will dissolve. I will add to that, that I think you most definitely ARE an empathetic and thoughtful person, as you are worried about the feelings of others and how they view you - many deeply anxious people don't get as far as thinking of those around them!

Analysing yourself is tough, and is certainly something I over-did in my YOOF and 20s, but as I got older I started to feel more secure with the person I was. I hope someone else comes along who can reassure you, as this isn't something I have felt for many decades. What is it that you think there could be that is 'really wrong' with you ?

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Originally Posted by Carys

Hiyer,

This is why people tell you that you are nice, kind and generous, because you are - and they aren't in your mind experiencing the disconnection you feel is there. Focusing on your anxiety and depression makes the world feel a little strange for sure, as much of your emotional energy can be taken up with those aspects of living, with not much 'space' to really focus on everything else. The real you is the kind, generous and loving one, and that person is still there - once you are feeling a bit better in yourself you will start focusing outward more and those feelings will dissolve. I will add to that, that I think you most definitely ARE an empathetic and thoughtful person, as you are worried about the feelings of others and how they view you - many deeply anxious people don't get as far as thinking of those around them!

Analysing yourself is tough, and is certainly something I over-did in my YOOF and 20s, but as I got older I started to feel more secure with the person I was. I hope someone else comes along who can reassure you, as this isn't something I have felt for many decades. What is it that you think there could be that is 'really wrong' with you ?

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Hi Carys, thanks for replying with such kind words, I really appreciate it. I do try to tell myself that I must be empathic, because I care about other people and I don't want to make them sad or upset. I also think I have a lot of self loathing so I'm bound to think the worst of myself.

As for the thing I think could be really wrong, I guess it's just finding out I'm a bad person, like a sociopath or something. I do have health anxiety too so I worry that there is something wrong that needs fixing in me, and a personality disorder would be unfixable.

I think I'd like to go back to cbt or something to look at how I'm feeling because I'm struggling on my own atm. I hope I can find something that works for me like what obviously worked for you too!

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I guess it's just finding out I'm a bad person, like a sociopath or something.

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You sound as about 'unsociopathy' as a person can be :roflmao:Really, I know these are only a few words on the screen that I am judging it from, but it would honestly be really obvious if you had an antisocial personality disorder, on here and most importantly with everyone you know in the real world. This is just an anxiety fear, an intrusive thought. I don't know why you have the self-loathing, that sounds like it definitely something you need to work on with someone, but don't imagine that just because you feel that way about yourself that others do too. I think you're projecting your own feelings about yourself, that aren't actually a true reflection of your personality, onto how you imagine others see you. Clearly, they don't see you like that!