Don't give up

The initial panic bringing me to this forum was in 2014 when I had a UTI that caused me to completely lose my s*** and triggered a full on health anxiety meltdown for the first time and subsequent anxiety/depression for months. My best guess for the reason behind this is a family friend back in 2012, a mother in her 50s, went in to the doc with a UTI and ended up going in to a coma and dying of sepsis. I don't know all the details (I know, I know) and it's highly possible she had other health stuff underlying or other situations going on. Even if she didn't, I am well aware UTIs are super, super common and this was a definite freak occurrence. But it shook me at a very visceral level and kind of triggered this fear of health issues and death that was sort of latent after that for a couple years. Then when I had the UTI in 2014 during an otherwise pretty stressful time in my life, it felt like the flood gates opened. I had my first and (thank god) only panic attack at that time. What followed was months of pure misery that so many of you on here can relate to - CONSTANT obsession over what sensation I was noticing in my body. Repeated trips back to doc insisting maybe antibiotic wasn't working. Panic that I might be having an adverse reaction to antibiotic. Fear of kidney infection or sepsis. Absolute terror when thinking about the concept of antibiotic resistance. Well, big surprise, I survived that UTI and any other health scares in those months (a scrape from my dog's nails that I was absolutely certain was infected and going to lead to my death, chest pain I was convinced was a heart problem but was more likely due to a giant load of books I had to carry in a backpack in grad school all day, you know the drill).

By the end of 2014 after the better part of the year being dominated by anxiety/panic/depression, I was back in ok shape ... able to function fine, not feeling that gray cloud hovering over me every second of the day. Able to think about things other than what feeling I just noticed in my body. I had another UTI in late 2016 and don't have a memory of it being too dramatic; I guess I just took the antibiotic and moved on and it was fine. I went on to have two babies and despite anticipatory fears about the pregnancies being plagued by anxiety, I was actually ok and was able to cope with any worries without going off the rails. I have also had two early miscarriages during these past few years which as any woman who has lost a pregnancy knows, completely overwhelms you with all-encompassing disappointment and a deep grief. I still hope to have another child.

This past week I noticed that familiar weird bladder/peeing sensation and pelvic pressure that is often the alert to a possible UTI. When I first felt it, I panicked. "Oh my god, it's happening again, this is going to be the end, how will I handle this" etc. etc. etc. The thoughts flooded in. But I reminded myself over and over and over and over - literally saying out loud: "UTIs are VERY common. If this is a UTI, my doctor will prescribe an antibiotic that will take care of it. I am completely capable of following the course of treatment and moving on. I will be able to handle this." Sure enough, the doctor called this morning that it is a UTI and my prescription is waiting at the pharmacy. I just took the first dose and although I had a minor lurch of panic upon glancing at the medication sheet (all the possible side effects, warnings, notes about how in RARE CASES this has caused fatal liver issues, and whatever other terrible things), I folded it up, put it away, and went on with my day. I had to again literally say out loud that I will call the doctor if anything else comes up that I'm unsure about. That is what is in my power. Worrying about what-ifs will not change anything besides make me miserable.

I share this story to give others hope. I was in a bad, bad, very dark place in 2014 - although I did not have suicidal thoughts, I did find myself wondering what the point of living even was when I was so burdened by this constant blanket of anxiety and depression. I felt utterly hopeless. At that point, I could not see myself ever enjoying anything in life again.

Since then I have learned so, so much about mental health issues, have tried my absolute hardest to advocate for both my physical and mental health needs, and have basically forced myself to access whatever resources are available. Books, therapy, this website. Putting advice into practice as much as I possibly could. Exercising or making a meal or even eating when I would have rather not. I told myself over and over again that it took a long, long time to get to that low point, and I could not expect anything I did to "feel good" - going for a walk outside was not appealing but I told myself that was fine, I didn't expect it to be appealing. It was ok if I finished the walk and felt like it was a waste of time and didn't help me feel better. I basically repeatedly just forced myself to go through the motions of things I knew were good for me to do, and believed that eventually I would actually start feeling differently. It worked, and since then, although I've certainly had ups and downs, I have persisted in knowing that no matter how bad I feel, there IS a way out. My heart breaks for all the people on this forum who are or have been through the same trials. I wanted to share my story to say please do not give up. Force yourself to start moving in a different direction knowing it will not feel good. Expect that. Keep going. Eventually you will change your brain tiny bit by tiny bit and suddenly you will notice you do actually feel a little different. My best wishes to everyone on their journey of recovery.

Beautifully written.
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experiences. I’m so pleased you are in a better place. These blips will happen, and it’s how we manage them that makes all the difference.


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Thanks for sharing your story. It gave me hope for the future. I'm at the beginning of the recovery path and hearing how it can be done is enormously helpful x