Incredibly strange situation
Hi,
So I wrote on here around 5 years ago now, I was in a bad place due to overthinking and allowing power to negative intrusive thoughts. I was over it, I could see a future with my wonderful boyfriend, I was doing really well with running my business and feeling mostly content. However, I am now lower than I have ever been before... I never feel like myself, well haven’t done for over a month now. I know exactly why, it is somewhat self-inflicted by overthinking and making things into things they didn’t need to be. I’ve really messed up, it’s like my brain has been taken over by a million annoying and horrendous monsters. I just want to be asleep but I can’t find any peace at all, I can’t tell myself that I’m ok anymore. I’ve had bad physical symptoms...dissociation, teeth chattering, muscle spasms etc. Am taking 100mg sertraline and also quetiapine. It will sound hypocritical I know but I am usually the first to help people and would always say there’s never no hope, but I really am quite certain there’s no hope for me now. You’ll be thinking there is and everyone will try and help me (as I would if reversed). It’s so complicated in my mind now but the ‘nature of the beast’ is just bizarre, absurd and obscene really. I know all the ‘answers’ but I am in such a weird headspace.... everyone is being so kind to me but I honestly don’t deserve it at all. I am being an utterly awful person. I am not seeking reassurance or sympathy, although it may sound it. I’m not sure how I sound anymore, I just really don’t feel like myself anymore and it’s so hard to explain properly. I am intelligent...I know myself well (I am too self aware). My thinking is so messed up, I can’t live with myself. I can’t stop this now, I guess I must just give it some time and keep taking the medication. The mind is a powerful thing, and I am so frustrated as I had gotten to a place where I was much more positive and optimistic about the future and then BOOM. It’s really bad, not an exaggeration. It sounds dramatic, silly and weird but it’s debilitating and I know that nothing anyone can say will help. What’s become of me 😭 I’m just writing this to vent a little really, maybe I’ll get better, maybe I won’t. Sorry, I know it’s depressing. Thanks for reading, I hope you are all ok. I feel like a freak.
Re: Incredibly strange situation
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lozza22
Hi,
So I wrote on here around 5 years ago now, I was in a bad place due to overthinking and allowing power to negative intrusive thoughts. I was over it, I could see a future with my wonderful boyfriend, I was doing really well with running my business and feeling mostly content. However, I am now lower than I have ever been before... I never feel like myself, well haven’t done for over a month now. I know exactly why, it is somewhat self-inflicted by overthinking and making things into things they didn’t need to be. I’ve really messed up, it’s like my brain has been taken over by a million annoying and horrendous monsters. I just want to be asleep but I can’t find any peace at all, I can’t tell myself that I’m ok anymore. I’ve had bad physical symptoms...dissociation, teeth chattering, muscle spasms etc. Am taking 100mg sertraline and also quetiapine. It will sound hypocritical I know but I am usually the first to help people and would always say there’s never no hope, but I really am quite certain there’s no hope for me now. You’ll be thinking there is and everyone will try and help me (as I would if reversed). It’s so complicated in my mind now but the ‘nature of the beast’ is just bizarre, absurd and obscene really. I know all the ‘answers’ but I am in such a weird headspace.... everyone is being so kind to me but I honestly don’t deserve it at all. I am being an utterly awful person. I am not seeking reassurance or sympathy, although it may sound it. I’m not sure how I sound anymore, I just really don’t feel like myself anymore and it’s so hard to explain properly. I am intelligent...I know myself well (I am too self aware). My thinking is so messed up, I can’t live with myself. I can’t stop this now, I guess I must just give it some time and keep taking the medication. The mind is a powerful thing, and I am so frustrated as I had gotten to a place where I was much more positive and optimistic about the future and then BOOM. It’s really bad, not an exaggeration. It sounds dramatic, silly and weird but it’s debilitating and I know that nothing anyone can say will help. What’s become of me [emoji24] I’m just writing this to vent a little really, maybe I’ll get better, maybe I won’t. Sorry, I know it’s depressing. Thanks for reading, I hope you are all ok. I feel like a freak.
Well you’re definitely not a freak, why do you think you’re being an awful person?
Is it the fact that you’re in a bad place making you feel like you’ve messed up, or another part of your life?
The mind is definitely a powerful thing, but we can take control over it. Did something happen to trigger all of this off? An event that started the negative intrusive thoughts?
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Re: Incredibly strange situation
Thanks for your reply. Because I’m in a bad place, I haven’t DONE anything as such other than make people worry about me. I feel awful because everyone including my family (who are sometimes a bit unhelpful) is being so lovely and kind to me, I’m so incredibly lucky yet I feel like I need to die (I realise this sounds ridiculous). My thinking is incomprehensible (as in I really believe it’s unique in its own way and that it’s gone to stranger places than I ever believed possible). It’s like I’ve already died, or should have and people are trying to help me but I know in myself that I’m not getting out of this so it feels wrong I’m so many levels. I’m the girl who has everything she ever wanted yet now she has ruined it all. I have always had the anxiety about the self-inflicted depression from 5 years ago in the back of my mind and a combination of moving house, being ill at Christmas, then an amazing (but stressful) holiday, constant guests and then coronavirus led me to feeling low and it’s spiralled out of control. Yes I am receiving help from all the right places and taking the medication. Nobody should ever be thinking like this, it’s gone way beyond the realms of normal. It’s exhausting, constant and ludicrous. The worst is that nobody can truly understand and it seems like I’m being weak, or pathetic. But I’m really not, I am a tough person really and I have turned into something awful.
Re: Incredibly strange situation
Thanks for your reply. Because I’m in a bad place, I haven’t DONE anything as such other than make people worry about me. I feel awful because everyone including my family (who are sometimes a bit unhelpful) is being so lovely and kind to me, I’m so incredibly lucky yet I feel like I need to die (I realise this sounds ridiculous). My thinking is incomprehensible (as in I really believe it’s unique in its own way and that it’s gone to stranger places than I ever believed possible). It’s like I’ve already died, or should have and people are trying to help me but I know in myself that I’m not getting out of this so it feels wrong I’m so many levels. I’m the girl who has everything she ever wanted yet now she has ruined it all. I have always had the anxiety about the self-inflicted depression from 5 years ago in the back of my mind and a combination of moving house, being ill at Christmas, then an amazing (but stressful) holiday, constant guests and then coronavirus led me to feeling low and it’s spiralled out of control. Yes I am receiving help from all the right places and taking the medication. Nobody should ever be thinking like this, it’s gone way beyond the realms of normal. It’s exhausting, constant and ludicrous. The worst is that nobody can truly understand and it seems like I’m being weak, or pathetic. But I’m really not, I am a tough person really and I have turned into something awful.
Re: Incredibly strange situation
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lozza22
Thanks for your reply. Because I’m in a bad place, I haven’t DONE anything as such other than make people worry about me. I feel awful because everyone including my family (who are sometimes a bit unhelpful) is being so lovely and kind to me, I’m so incredibly lucky yet I feel like I need to die (I realise this sounds ridiculous). My thinking is incomprehensible (as in I really believe it’s unique in its own way and that it’s gone to stranger places than I ever believed possible). It’s like I’ve already died, or should have and people are trying to help me but I know in myself that I’m not getting out of this so it feels wrong I’m so many levels. I’m the girl who has everything she ever wanted yet now she has ruined it all. I have always had the anxiety about the self-inflicted depression from 5 years ago in the back of my mind and a combination of moving house, being ill at Christmas, then an amazing (but stressful) holiday, constant guests and then coronavirus led me to feeling low and it’s spiralled out of control. Yes I am receiving help from all the right places and taking the medication. Nobody should ever be thinking like this, it’s gone way beyond the realms of normal. It’s exhausting, constant and ludicrous. The worst is that nobody can truly understand and it seems like I’m being weak, or pathetic. But I’m really not, I am a tough person really and I have turned into something awful.
I can promise you without a shadow of doubt that this situation you find yourself in is far from unique, nor your thought patterns, our minds are all capable of going to those strange places. There’s nothing you could say that you’ve thought that would surprise me, I’ve been there too.
Also you haven’t ruined anything. Everything that was there before can be there for you again (and probably still is right now) and your family are still there trying to help you. Your thought patterns, while evidently not your normal and are clearly driven by the spiral and low point you hit are not abnormal in the situation you’re in. You’re not weak or pathetic, but it does sound like you’re struggling right now.
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Re: Incredibly strange situation
Thank you, I am seriously struggling. I just want to sleep. I’ve become very aware of how people react to what you say/behaviour you exhibit and completely misunderstand what is being said, or trying to be said. I don’t mean that to sound rude, it’s just made me aware that we can never truly know someone if that makes sense. Ie. I could cry at a picture of a kitten and it would be perceived as I’m crying because it’s cute but in reality I’m crying because I will never be able to have a kitten plus usually seeing a kitten would make me happy etc. It goes on and on and doesn’t end
Re: Incredibly strange situation
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lozza22
Thank you, I am seriously struggling. I just want to sleep. I’ve become very aware of how people react to what you say/behaviour you exhibit and completely misunderstand what is being said, or trying to be said. I don’t mean that to sound rude, it’s just made me aware that we can never truly know someone if that makes sense. Ie. I could cry at a picture of a kitten and it would be perceived as I’m crying because it’s cute but in reality I’m crying because I will never be able to have a kitten plus usually seeing a kitten would make me happy etc. It goes on and on and doesn’t end
It’s true we can never truly know what thoughts motivate a person or the thoughts behind their actions unless they tell us. That’s why communication is such a powerful thing, because now I’d know why your crying at the picture of a kitten, and that usually seeing kittens makes you happy. Being open in our communication not only allows others to understand us and our actions but it also offers a way of us processing our feelings in discussion with others.
It really is exhausting on more than just a physical level, the positive thing to remember though, even when positivity seems so far away is you’ve gotten through 100% of the tough times you’ve faced previously and built what it is your scared to lose. This doesn’t make the current situation any better or any less painful and exhausting but it helps give me faith that I will see the other side of it and things will improve just as they did before, even if the current situation is different to others I’ve faced although when I’m in the thick of it I admit it doesn’t feel like it can every get better. Frankly it sucks even knowing that and I appreciate how tired you feel right now.
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Re: Incredibly strange situation
Thank you, that’s helped a little. I am able to communicate well at least although I do appreciate that it’s still hard to understand. I’d actually like someone to be able to see inside my head so they know what I mean, whereas usually that would be a horrifying idea! The only way through is acceptance, which is near impossible for me to do at the moment as for the first time I’m actually relying on the help of others and my business is suffering etc etc. If you’d like to I’d be happy to message privately? It does help to talk to others who experience similar things
Re: Incredibly strange situation
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lozza22
Thank you, that’s helped a little. I am able to communicate well at least although I do appreciate that it’s still hard to understand. I’d actually like someone to be able to see inside my head so they know what I mean, whereas usually that would be a horrifying idea! The only way through is acceptance, which is near impossible for me to do at the moment as for the first time I’m actually relying on the help of others and my business is suffering etc etc. If you’d like to I’d be happy to message privately? It does help to talk to others who experience similar things
Feel free to message me any time, I pop in and out fairly frequently.
Acceptance doesn’t just happen all at once it’s little steps, even just taking a singular moment of acceptance and just letting the thoughts flow through without judging them and getting hung up is the start, we need to build the foundations first.
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