I've suffered with OCD for years and experienced most themes but the most troubling so far is Harm OCD. I know a lot about the condition and have done some ERP with minimal success, so I know that the mantra "It's just a thought" doesn't work well for people that experience powerful urges and micro-movements.
I'm really freaking out about something that happened the other day. I was doing some DIY in the garden and using a hammer to hang things up. I am very cautious when my neighbour is around as my harm OCD focuses on her, so as I had the hammer in my hand I was getting obsessive harm OCD thoughts about harming her if she came outside. I also have a big crush on her which again is undoubetdly the trigger for the harm OCD as well as hyper responsibilty OCD (as I always have to make sure the house is safe so a fire won't start whenever I leave the house and harm her etc etc) Obviously because I have a crush on her, I do worry a lot about the day when she ends up with a boyfriend (another recurring obsessive OCD worry) because I know I'll feel sad, angry, jealous etc so this is a recurring worry which ignites the harm thoughts i.e. I will want to harm her if she gets a boyfriend.
So I am outside, half worrying about if I would see her leaving the house dressed up to go on a date I would get jealous and try to do something awful like murder her with the hammer. I was nervous, of course hoping that she wouldn't come out whilst I had the hammer in my hand. Sure enough, in a total and typical sods law way, I heard the door open and felt instant fear that she was going out on a date, I had my back to her and at the time this happened the hammer was lying on a bench next to a box of nails which I'd gone over to. I had the thought to grab the hammer in case she was going on a date so I would kill her and I felt that this is what I would want to do under those cirumstances, like I agreed with the rationale.. and in a nano second I physically grabbed the hammer! I remember feeling a little shock that I'd picked it up and was panicked a little bit, I also still had my back to her so couldn't see if she was dressed up, so I turned around nervously to check if she was dressed up, although I was more focused on that than doing anything with the hammer - she was in her work uniform so I felt instant relief that she wasn't going on a date, but then I still felt very panicked and stressed that I'd actually picked up the hammer as a result of the thought process I'd had leading up to grabbing the hammer (kill her if she's going on a date).
I feel in whirlwind of guilt and like I cannot trust myself, why did I act on the thought of picking up the hammer? It felt impulsive. I know I only picked up a hammer but it felt like I was ready to do something sinister and I worry what I would've done if she had been dressed up and going out on a date.
I know this incident is very specific to my situation what with the crush / fear of her dating someone, but I wonder if anyone can relate to having an evil thought, agreeing with it and then starting a movement or action?
thanks
