Intrusive thoughts and talking to myself

Hey everybody,

Having a super anxious day over here. So, I've always talked to myself... literally for as long as I can remember. I know that I'm not talking to anybody. I don't ever feel crazy for doing so. When I was little, I just verbalized things I would imagine (vivid imagination for sure), silly things like an Oscar acceptance speech or an interview about a movie... my daydreams centered around being a movie star quite often haha. So, I never thought anything of it. It was almost just a game of pretend. I really would only do it when I was in the bathroom. Never out loud in front of anybody. I've done this as I've gotten older. A lot of times, it's just me thinking out loud about different situations happening in my life, or maybe things I wish I'd said differently or I practice what I'm going to say in different situations. I'm pretty sure this is somewhat normal. I mean, I'm sure that not everybody does it, but I also don't think it's necessarily abnormal. My concern right now though is an intrusive thought that I've had for a while now that surrounds my phone. I'm basically always worried that I'm going to call or text someone something rude/unpleasant/gross/crazy by accident. This leads to me constantly checking my phone. And I always leave it outside of places I think that something potentially embarrassing could happen, aka the bathroom. Anyway, today I had taken my phone into the bathroom with me because I needed the flashlight for something. I then went to the bathroom and WARNING, TMI: I was inspecting myself with a hand mirror down there... long story short, I slept with someone new a little while ago, who in the middle of sex, took his condom off. I didn't realize until it was too late. I was extremely pissed off, and I was mortified and have been convinced ever since that it's only a matter of time before I find out that he gave me some sort of STD. Anyway, this morning, I started doing my normal talking to myself bit in the bathroom... like having the conversation telling someone (the someone I am currently seeing) that I have something. Like explaining exactly what happened and how I knew I'd caught it from this one unfortunate occurrence where my trust was betrayed. Anyway, in the middle of this dialogue I was having with myself, I realized my phone was in the bathroom. I'm about 90% sure it was on airplane mode, but you know OCD... it makes my brain go "but what if you JUST turned it on airplane mode, but it was on when you were verbalizing that you had an STD (which I don't... that I'm aware of right now at least) and you accidentally called so and so" And then I check my call history, but my brain then goes, "well, yeah, but you probably deleted the call, so there is no evidence." Why not just wait and see if you hear from him, you ask? He's abroad at the moment, so we haven't been talking like usual, and will be gone for another week. So, I will literally be here worrying about whether or not I made this mortifying phone call or not, and it's been driving me insane ALL DAY because there is just no way to know if I did this or not. I'm so upset about it. It's the weirdest new manifestation of my OCD, but I'm just always paranoid that I'm going to do something to mess things up, and this is a new version of that thought. But I'm feeling so unsettled right now because I'm convinced that I have in fact messed everything up by calling someone accidentally while having this weird conversation out loud.

I wish I had the proper words to help, but basically.... you’ve already rationalised it yourself, you know it’s an intrusive thought and that it’s impossible that you called someone ok?
Hopefully when you read back on what you wrote you’ll see that it’s impossible.

Yes, that's the thing, huh? I can rationalize that it's irrational, but I can always come up with another way it could've happened. Very, very frustrating.

So, sometimes it helps to write this stuff out. But today, while googling stuff, I saw my phone right beside me and thought, "what if I took a photo of what I'm googling and sent it to people I wouldn't want to send it to. Or what if I accidentally posted it on Instagram stories?" It sounds ridiculous as I type it. Just because I thought that doesn't mean it happened. Although my brain is trying to be mean and convince me otherwise. That would have to be so intentional. And then deleting it so there would be no evidence would also have to be intentional. Trying to remind myself of that. I think I read on here once on someone's post "If you're not sure it happened, it most certainly didn't happen." I try to tell myself that on days like today.

So, today, I was doing my kind of usual hypochondriac thing and went down a wormhole on the Quora app reading through questions about ovulation/fertility/menstruation. I would read one question and then click on another related question and then another and so on... anyway, I clicked on one that said "what are some sneaky ways to get pregnant?" which when I clicked on it, my brain registered as "unusual scenarios people have gotten pregnant in" which I thought was interesting UNTIL I realized it was some person asking basically how to get pregnant without their partner knowing. AWFUL, I know!! Anyway, OF COURSE, my brain immediately panicked and jumped to worst case scenario and the intrusive thoughts that have been surrounding my phone and accidentally calling people or sending them messages, and I suddenly got worried that I had "shared" that link with the guy I'm dating. I can see I haven't texted anything, but I'm worried I did it through Instagram or something AND deleted it, so I have no proof that I did this awful thing. I even went back into the Quora app and searched just a random question and went to the share icon to sort of "reassure" myself, which I know doesn't work, with how many steps it probably takes to send someone something. It definitely takes a couple of steps, so it does have to be intentional, but of course my brain is still playing the "Maybe...What if?..." game with me now.

You could always check your mobile phone bill to see if you dialled out any number ?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by keta

You could always check your mobile phone bill to see if you dialled out any number ?

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Yes, I've done this, but I guess like with any other checking behavior it doesn't really help!

So, today has been a bad day. I have this OBSESSION with accidentally blocking a phone number. This has been coming and going for a while. It stems from just my social anxiety and dating with anxiety and OCD which is hard!!! I'm in a new, not even relationship, but dating situation, and from the beginning, the other person hasn't been a big texter. We text to set up dates, but don't text much/if at all in between. Now that we've been dating long enough for me to start thinking "where is this going" is when I've started to get anxious about this. He was abroad for 10 days and just got back last night. I spoke with him before he'd taken off and he said he had to go out of town until this weekend and would chat when he was back. Probably a normal message to anybody else, but for my and my catastrophic thinking, I'm like... "3 days is so long to have to wait (I've waited longer than that to hear from him before). What if he doesn't text me. Omg he isn't going to text me." and then my mind is like... calm down. He literally told you he'd be traveling and would be in contact when he's back. And THEN that is when it turns into..."okay, well he is behaving normally, so you are going to do something to mess it up. Like block his phone number, not realize it, and then unblock it, but it will be too late because he will have tried to message you and think you ignored him." It's looney, I know. And I can easily go and check my blocked callers list and see that his phone number isn't on there, but the checking never helps because then I'll convince myself that I accidentally did it WHILE checking to make sure that I didn't. Viscous cycle indeed. Any advice for like, checking it once, and believing and trusting my memory enough to not check it again until this weekend. I've thought about having a friend sit with me while I do it.

Oh gosh, this morning... silly, silly, silly, I know, but I was looking at gifs to send to someone I've been dating, and while looking through Parks and Rec gifs, saw one where Ron says "When I think someone is getting to chummy with me, I like to call them by a different name so they don't get the idea we're friends" or something like that, which I thought to myself was funny. I like that episode. BUT then I had this thought where not only had I sent this GIF, but I had also included a message that started off with another guy's name, and then my brain was suddenly like if you sent a message like that it would 1000% look like you had texted the wrong guy and were trying to cover up your mistake by being funny. So, I'm panicking that I actually did this, but deleted it really quickly so there is no record of it. Like REALLY freaking out about it. I can't believe something so simple has caused such a panic, but I am just absolutely beyond worried right now.