Being diagnosed is one thing. Living with it, is another

It was around November of 2015, that I fell ill. At first it just felt like normal flu. I had all the sympotms of flu. It wasn't until 10days had past that I had still struggled to eat and drink. I was losing weight and rapidly.

That day came and I started to throw up blood. I got taken to hospital immediately and was kept in for 2 days. Tests upon tests upon tests where taken. I was drugged to the skys high, just trying to figure out what was wrong.
I got sent home with several different drugs. 2 days passed and I got the phone call that we all dread. I got asked to go into the doctors to have a "chat".
It was Wednesday that I walked into the doctors surgery, sitting down for 5 minutes waiting to be called felt like 5 hours. Not knowing what was coming. I then got called in, the short walk to the door, felt like a 10 mile trek.

I sat down and the look on the doctors face I knew it was something serious. That day I got diagnosed with HIV.
Not knowing how or when I got it. I said to myself but how I was safe, I always have been safe. What do I do?
Consisitently blaming myself, hating myself that I have this, not knowing how I would live and control my habits. Already being on citalopram, this knocked my confidence. Saying to myself how will I ever be able to tell people? Can I ever have a relationship again? Can I ever engage in sexual contact again.

Months have passed and tests continue to carry out, drugs go through my mouth like no tomorrow, all for what? My health? My benefit? In someway yes. But looking at myself in the mirror. I just cant do that anymore. I see a different man. I see a guy who has lost a lot of weight, a guy who doesn't know who he is, a guy who has lost himself.

There was a time where I controlled myself, controlled my anger and hatred. I have learnt so much about the virus that I never knew existed. The fact that with medication I can become undetectable. the fact I could pretty much almost kill the virus and lead a normal happy life. Which is great. But to me. That's just not enough. All I see, is a unhappy guy. Not being able to forgive myself, forget what I done. Not being able to fully understand. Can I continue looking at myself in the mirror, can I continue living this way. Is it my time to just let go of it all!?