Pre-pregnant and needing advice

Hello everyone,

I hope you won't mind if I come and check in here. I am an anxiety and OCD sufferer and my partner and I are about to start IVF. I am having lots of confusing emotions though - although the baby is very much wanted, most days I just feel nervous and worried about how I will cope. Everyone around me is telling me it's an amazing journey, etc, but I just don't feel excited about the IVF. I wish someone could just hand me a baby! Also, I'm so worried about how the pregnancy hormones (assuming we are lucky enough to conceive) might affect my mental health.

I wondered whether anyone could relate to how I'm feeling? Any coping tips greatly appreciated.

Wishing everyone a lovely day

B x

The fear of the unknown is frightening, and I think its quite a good sign you are thinking about how you will 'cope' after that baby is born. I don't mean that its good to worry excessively, but I think a little 'ooooo errrr, what will it be like, will it be ok, I'm a bit nervous?' is a sign that you take the responsibility of a child seriously. Its a BIG life step, and many people don't think about it enough and aren't ready - it sounds like you are perfectly ready as you have thought long and hard about many aspects of it. How will you cope? You will cope fine. There will be people around you to help - midwives, doctors and health visitors, along with your partner (and I'm hoping some family ?!) You've had to make a far more proactive and positive decision about following the path to conceive, than many who just 'do the deed', and I suspect that having IVF involved has put more pressure on you due to the nature of the processes involved. I don't blame you not being excited about the IVF, I've not had it but can imagine that for some people it can feel intrusive, difficult and a bit of a roller-coaster. Maybe someone who has experienced it will be along shortly to add some thoughts ? Don't feel bad about not being excited about IVF, it sounds daunting to me and I think you need view it as a means to an end. Don't add additional pressure on yourself by feeling that you should feel excited about the IVF process!

Pregnancy hormones - are great! Thats why women bloom and blossom and glow and look happy......well, certainly by trimester 2 lol At the start you can feel a bit wobbly, as hormones all alter, and if you get a bit of nausea and tiredness then for SOME it isn't a hugely fab experience. However, its not a negative one either, and its very temporary. You know what though, pregnancy is a short moment in your life, you might feel better than ever and totally fab, you might feel a bit emotional or tearful at times - but it will be all changed and gone in the blink of an eye. My advice would be to not think too far ahead; when daunting life changes come upon you break them up into small chunks. As you do one, then focus on the next, then the next....so for now don't worry about having the baby, the pregnancy and so on.....focus on the IVF.

I wanted to reply, as you'd had none yet ....sorry I can't help more....

Great advice from Carys. I'd add that it's really impossible to know in advance how all the hormones will affect you, but being prepared and thinking about it is a great way to get ready. Just be kind to yourself throughout the process and don't feel guilty about any feelings you may have. Do you see a therapist or take any medication for your anxiety or OCD? If so, just stick with these support systems throughout. If not, perhaps speaking with someone like a therapist would help you walk through each stage of this journey.

Motherhood is absolutely incredible, but also very overwhelming. Just take one day at a time, like Carys said, and give yourself time and space for all your feelings.

Good luck!!

Dear Erin and Carys

Thank you SO much for your helpful advice and support. It means a lot and I do feel encouraged, so thanks for that. I do take medication for OCD, and I've just restarted therapy so I have an 'impartial observer' to sense-check my anxiety against!

Realistically, there are a few other things preying on my mind. IVF would be because I'm part of a lesbian couple, so it's not really due to any fertility issues other than the obvious :) The other thing, which I'm talking to a therapist about, is that my relationship has had some issues recently and so I need to work through those before I commit to starting the IVF process. So, in fairness, there are other anxious things going on in my life which are probably clouding my judgement and making it hard to see the future. I am actively trying to fix all of those things, which is all anyone can do, but it's a bit of a rough spot to be in.

Nevertheless - I really appreciate your support!

Quote:

---

so it's not really due to any fertility issues other than the obvious :smile:

---

:roflmao:Shall I make you state the obvious ?

You know, you sound SO darned sensible and are doing everything you can to both deal with your anxiety and your 'life issue'concerns. Yes, of course, committing to a baby needs to be at the right time, when you are totally sure - as we know it won't 'fix' a relationship it will stretch it harder. I think you have very good judgement of the fact that this is about more than the IVF, and I admire how proactive you are being about and it would be great wouldn't it if more people went into the conception process with due consideration. Am I reading between the lines here, I might be , but I feel that maybe you are concerned that if you are negatively affected by the whole IVF and pregnancy process that your partner may not be able to cope/be supportive? I hope it all does work out for you! This thread will always be here, and we are happy to come back and comment as and when (speaking for Erin here too :D) you progress through this.

:roflmao:Hahaha. I mean we've been trying for YEARS but just been getting nowhere lol. I have no clue what we're doing wrong :)

Thanks again for the kind words. So much of anxiety is about feeling like you aren't able to be sensible, isn't it, because the panic gets in the way - and so much of getting better/going through well periods is being able to just face the demon and grind through the sensible steps of management. Acceptance and commitment therapy is really helpful in this way. - don't know whether you've come across it? Bit bleak in some ways - you accept that you have the condition of anxiety and get on with your life regardless. In some ways, though it's a beautiful thing.

You're not reading between the lines - in fact you're spot on - that is a big concern for both of us. I guess it's rational, if you have any kind of mental health issue, to think carefully about what it will be like if you have a bad spell at some point in the future. But that, to be honest, is just the tip of the relationship iceberg. A bigger concern is that although my partner is happy to come along on the IVF journey with me, she is not herself particularly maternal, and I'm worried I've just worn her down/talked her into it. I mean, I probably have :) and so that leads to lots of feelings of guilt and uncertainty on my part. She hates change, and is herself an anxious soul, and says that she would rather be with me and have a child than be without me, but obviously none of this is exactly what I hoped I'd hear - even though I am also listening to the positive side, where she says she thinks it would be fun, we'd be great parents etc. There are other issues, too, but I think this is at the heart of it: the fear of making a wrong decision is exacerbated by the fact that it is me driving the process. Anyway, all of this worry has taken quite a toll on us as a couple. We love each other a lot but have some things to figure out!

Anyway - glad to meet you and Erin, and thanks again for being so kind :)