Just realised I have Agoraphobia as well as CPTSD without support.

Hello all,

I have been going through the breakdown of a long term relationship of nearly nine years, it was at times pretty dysfunctional and we have been still seeing each other for the past seven months on and off. Facing the reality of the break up being final on his part has hit me hard. I have spent many years giving all I had to him and the relationship to make it better. I have been told by therapists that I likely have CPTSD due to many traumatic past events. Clinging on the the relationship crushed my self esteem and confidence but despite this I had an underlying sense of safety with him that I fought to protect. I don't have a supportive loving family. I made him my world. As he detached I gave more until there was nothing left.

Whilst the heartache of him periodically coming back set in I became what I now realise to be agoraphobic. I tried to push through it but the symptoms were debilitating, one day I left the house to meet friends alone despite the dizziness, racing heart and shortness of breath. I got a few minutes walk away from my house in to the busy part near town and felt like my legs would buckle. I thought I was dying as I'd never had a full body panic attack before. I couldn't feel my hands. I called 999 despite being a two minute walk from my house which I could not make due to feeling I'd pass out. A friend came and drove me back and I calmed when home. It was humiliating being on the phone to the paramedics in a busy street with people passing by and I was terrified I'd die. Since then I can't walk in to town alone, I get severely anxious walking across the street to Aldi or Tesco. I dusted off my bike to get to places as I could not walk but the symptoms are gradually starting to appear when on that too.

I don't know how to deal with this. I have been forcing myself places if I have to be somewhere but it's very often endurance. I'm finding myself affected badly by the noise of the cars on the road, the busyness of places. The places I feel ok seem to be gradually decreasing. I still try to go out and do things but sometimes the heart racing and spaced out feeling takes over completely. I need to go to town to return items, I'm thinking of going very early in the morning on my bike to the post office but even passing that area where I had the panic attack is horrible and triggers the memory. I live in the UK, I sought help on the NHS but have been told private is my only option directly as I have CPTSD but I cannot afford private therapy. I'm too anxious to take AD. I have been in a MH crisis meeting and been told it's a year on a waiting list for talking therapy. There is no help and I'm feeling increasingly low and hopeless. Please, any advice would be appreciated.