Please help, I don't know what's going on anymore!!

I feel like my OCD has morphed into something else...

I have had severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder all of my life. When I was very young, I developed an obsession with only having “good” thoughts. When I would have a “bad” thought, I would have a compulsion to go and spit. I then started fearing that I had something “bad” stuck in my mouth, so I would compulsively keep opening my mouth wide and asking my parents if there was anything there. When I was in elementary school I started developing severe panic attacks and frequently came home from school and would miss out on classes. The constant panic attacks made me so sick that the OCD latched on to health related obsessions. I became extremely preoccupied with compulsive health related checking behaviors, compulsions, reassurance seeking. I come from a family that did not take the problem seriously and they kept blaming me and asking me why I was behaving so weird and so “eccentric.” This worsened the health anxiety because I felt like they would not take me seriously enough to take me to the doctor. I came up with many ways to deal with all the stress myself. I got into this habit of obsessive daydreaming (maladaptive daydreaming) and I pretty much wasted away hours and hours just googling about health related symptoms and secretly calling different doctor’s offices, clinics, and hospitals to seek reassurance from the advice nurses. Unfortunately the anxiety was creating a lot of physical symptoms and I just got caught up in the cycle of anxiety. I fell behind in school, fell behind in making friendships, and I became very depressed. Pretty soon it started to latch onto other things. I became scared of swallowing (it sounds weird) but I became terrified to swallow. It took hours to just finish meals because I would bite and chew so slowly and carefully fearing that I would choke. I became scared of concentrating on my breathing, I would suddenly become aware of it and begin to hyperventilate. I was always terrified with no one to turn to for help. I tried telling a teacher about in high school as a last resort at school and my mom met with him and she denied everything, saying that I was making it all up and overreacting. This made me shut down completely. I finally came to college and got a little bit of help.

BUT...

Because I was experiencing all this on my own since I was very little with the combination of being emotionally sensitive and even blamed and shamed for it, over time I suddenly developed an obsession with trying to make myself visibly sick. Having to deal with so much psychological distress and not knowing what was going on with the combination of the constant put-downs and shaming from my family was almost too much for me to bare as a kid and I started feeling like the only way that I can flag down help and recognition of the struggle is if I became sick in a way that people could see it. It is so strange, suddenly my health anxiety turned into wanting to be sick and I’ve started feeling like I don’t want to get better anymore. I feel averse to anything healthy or anything positive, I feel terrified and angry at the thought of recovering. I’ve been formally diagnosed with OCD as a young adult and have all the help I need available to me, but I’ve just developed this obsession with becoming worse for some reason. I almost feel like I have to prove to myself and others that it hasn't been all in my head and that I really really needed help. Sometimes It feels like getting worse will be some kind of way to fulfill the lack of support I had when I was a kid or getting sick will be some way to bring the struggle into the physical world so people can't deny it or shame it. I suddenly keep wishing for sicknessed that are worse and trying to psychologically recreate symptoms of them. It just feels like my mind and body are suddenly bent upon and obsessed with ruining my health and getting as worse as possible and I'm having a really hard time stopping the train. Whenever I start to feel positive emotions or have postive days, I become depressed and whenever I am feeling worse, I feel happy and somehow like I am getting closer to something better and some kind of completion. I am not actively doing anything to hurt my health, its just the lack of doing. I don't want to eat healthy, or sleep at a healthy time, or excersise, and I keep feeling like triggering myself on purpose too. I feel like I am stuck in a pin-ball machine. There is also this fear of getting trapped in a situation where I will be in someone else's control like how I was with family and unable to get to safety or get the help I need, so for some reason doing the opposite of what I "should" be doing feels like I am escaping or being free.

I have no idea how to explain all this to a therapist in a way that they will understand. I can't really find much info about it. I actually feel like this is some sort of childhood trauma/anxiety response but not sure mental health professionals will view it that way. When I mention OCD, they might want to treat that, but not get the whole story. I think it is still somehow anxiety or past related. I am also terrifed of not getting "taken seriously" again and that making things worse.
So sorry for the long post, I just wanted to share this just because I've been struggling with it and I don't want to make things worse by isolating more. I am debating between a couple of different therapists and therapy programs (DBT) but I am just afraid of how they will react to this, I am afraid of being shamed or ridiculed for this "desire to get worse," even though I do want to and need to get better but am just having a really hard time accepting it.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. It seems like you’re really just trying to find a way to ask from help. I would think that showing what you’ve written to a therapist or doctor would be a great first step.


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Thanks. Yes, I do feel like I want to ask for help but I am just so afraid of not being taken seriously. And its strange but even if someone might be taking me seriously, I feel like I don't believe them. Or that I don't even believe myself when I am feeling bad. It's just this feeling of having to prove the validity of the problem.