Is this depression? Feeling empty, lost and numb after traumatic event with “friend”

Hi there, my name is Kelsey. I’ve suffered from anxiety/depression/hypochondria/OCD for a long time but a traumatic experience with a friend has thrown me down hill and I can’t seem to get over it/her! I feel lost and I miss who I used to be. I came out as a lesbian at 15, family are all accepting now so I’m extremely lucky. I was on Prozac as a teenager that didn’t react well with me, my anxiety was so bad I didn’t leave the house for years! I started Zoloft and it changed my life! I work full time as a nursing assistant now and at 28 I’m in university for criminology/ psychology.

I had an instance with my boss who is a straight woman about 2 years ago and I am still messed up from it! We became very very close and over time I fell for her, hard, I was madly in love with her but I never told her most likely due to my fear of rejection. I never got with her even though she tried multiple times to get with me and told me that she loved me but I respected that she told me that she was straight. I would never take advantage of anyone. She was in an extremely abusive relationship with her babies father but in her mind, if you have a child with someone, you stick together through thick and thin. I thought maybe she was just confused and continued to be her friend and try and support her whilst she is in an abusive relationship. She was quite odd, I don’t know how or why I fell for her. Because I’m quite an attractive masculine lesbian who has had lots of options with girls who could be models (I know looks aren’t everything) but for some reason I fell for this weird peppa pig looking straight woman (lol sorry but she genuinely looks like peppa pig). I thought she was my friend and accepted me, I started avoiding her because I realised we are so different, this made her mad that I wasn’t giving her attention and she asked me to come over one day, when I went over to hers she said “if you love someone you should tell them” I said “I would” then she flipped out on me and said “what you are is wrong, how are you ever going to be happy? You can’t bind your body with a woman and make a baby, you need to lay back and take it from a man” and all this crazy stuff. I told her she should get pregnant, she got pregnant soon after (her boyfriend accused her of rape) and I think she basically wanted me to the raise the child with her and for me to tell her I love her and I didn’t and I think maybe this is why she got so mad at me and she kept telling me that I need settle down and have children because I’m 27 (I was at the time). So she flipped on me. I know this is crazy.... and all over the place. Since that day my heart was broken, I backed away from her, she would turn up to my place of work though and tell my clients I am miserable because she’s not in my life, I got a new girlfriend, she tried to ruin it. I cried for months and months over her, I missed her more than I have ever missed anyone but most of all I miss who I was before I met her, my innocence was stolen. I used to believe in love, since this I really don’t. I don’t trust anyone either. I think I am about 85-90% over her. She still asks me to hang out and when I do I just feel empty and angry at her but I want to be civil because she is my boss.

I’ve met a new girl, an amazing girl, she’s a bit older than me (37), her wife of 11 years died 6 years ago, she said before she met me she was lost and hopeless, she begged me for a while to be with her, I told her she is not my type, one day she texted me and said “is there anything I can do to myself that would make you like me” this broke my heart and I gave her a chance because she would do anything for me and I adore her but since this “break up” (whatever it was) with this other woman, I feel empty and numb, I feel nothing? I enjoy nothing? I feel lost? I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I used to dream of being in a relationship with a woman like the one I’m with now and even eventually having children because I know there is ways I still can have kids being a lesbian but since this situation with my boss my confidence is wrecked and I feel hopeless and I used to be such a simple person who enjoyed simple things but now I just feel low all the time. Things I used to enjoy and love I no longer do. I feel so empty. How long will this last? It’s been over a year! I’m on sertraline, I tried to up my dose to 150mg but it was too strong for me. Is this severe depression? My doctor wanted to put me on anti psychotics (quietapine) but I’m scared I will gain weight!

Kelsey, is this a job/role you need to stay in - it sounds to me, from reading this, that you won't be disengaged mentally from this previous relationship until you have moved away and started afresh.

You must learn to accept what happened in the past for you to free yourself from hurt or regrets. It will take time, but hold on, it will be worth it.
Learn to be appreciative everyday that you were given a new to day to start again. In addition, learn to forgive yourself from any short comings you had.
Remember, nobody is perfect.

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Expressive Therapy For Depression