For anyone looking for hope

Hey guys

I used to lurk around here a lot, but never posted. I always read everyone’s stories, whether it be about recovery, AD’s, anxiety, therapy and always found some I could relate to. I spent a lot of time in the success stories group, which gave me so much hope. And now I’m in a comfortable place in my life, I also want to share that with you.

I’m now 31, and spent all my teens and 20’a in a daze of disappointment of life, drugs, anxiety, suicidal thoughts. I partied and cried my life away, but at the age of 28 it all stopped and I a full blown nervous breakdown. I nearly was hospitalised, but choose to ride it out at my parents. It was 2 weeks of panic attacks, shaking, throwing up, crying. I couldn’t listen to music. I lost the ability to see colours, and couldn’t do any basic tasks. The anxiety was so draining I slept 12 hours a day. I was screaming for relief but nothing helped. After two weeks I was on my feet again, but I was suffering terribly for 2 years after.

It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced, and felt like I would NEVER be the same again. But I can happily say that I am fully recovered (still on citalopram but carefully reducing dose)

Rather than tell you the story, here’s some tips I want to share with you. It may not be relevant for everyone...but I hope some insights might help some.

1). Do therapy - CBT can help, but it was understanding my childhood and bringing up that helped me understand my anxiety the most. I had a great upbringing. But the fact that my parents didn’t do conflict (no arguing), coupled with some minor bullying, had so much of an impact of who I am today. To speak with my inner child again, really made everything change. Get to know who you are, and how you got there, that’s where the answers are

2) if you have a breakdown YOU WILL GET BETTER. It will just take a long time, but it is a phase in your life that will help you recalibrate and come out a new, better person. I was on my feet for most of it, but and some brutal ups and downs I had to live with. After 2 years...I’m in a place I can say I recovered completely.

3) Antidepressants do work, but when you work on yourself and recovery, the real change is there. The Antidepressants help you to get on your feet to make the change. I was still mentally ill after 6 months of taking them, but I have no idea how hard recovery would’ve been like if I didn’t have them. I was able to still go to work and attend my therapy sessions, so maybe the drugs helped me do that.

4) Even after you’ve recovered, you will still have moments of anxiety, depression, but these are signs to look after yourself, and recalibrate. Experience them comfortably, not in fear, because it will pass.

5) Exercise. Get in the habit. Anything will do. It was the one thing that could change my state positivity in my darkest moments. Big fan of weights and cycling.

6) my therapy lasted 3 years. If you can, invest in visiting one weekly. Sometimes sessions suck, but others are life changing. It’s the best thing you can spend your money on. But leave if it’s not progressing. Also, don’t be afraid to challenge your therapist if you think they’ve read you wrong. You know yourself best (though most of the time they seem right in the end!)

7) Therapists always say you need a passion or hobby to distract yourself from your depression. Easier said than done right? Especially when you can just sit on your arse and play computer games and stare at the internet. The truth is that hobbies are great, but they do require persistence and self discipline to engage in. I love my guitar and DJIng which gives me a great release, but i do have to push myself to pick them up. Once I do I’m always so glad I did.

8) Self help books are not for people with mental illnesses.. You need real help from a human who will listen to you.

9) things that didn’t work for me: meditation, affirmations, journalling. These things are often suggested, and they have great benefits, but they are minimal compared to the therapy work I’ve done. It’s always about you.

10) another one in meds. Doctors aren’t great on advising you on them. You make the choice to up your dose, reduce, or start tapering. Any change is an experiment, no one knows how’ll you’ll be after it. So don’t be afraid to speak up and dictate where you want to go with them. I was on 40mg citalopram for 3 years and just went down to 30mg. I had no idea what would happen, but nothing actually did. I feel just as good and will stay here for another 6months and then try moving to 20mg. It’s all just, trying it out!

11) for me, depression enabled me to be a victim, so I didn’t have to take responsibility for my life. I thought i was unlucky because this illness was just who I was therefore was no point in me living and trying. Work with your therapist to reject this mindset. It takes time, but you will learn to value yourself and break it. It is life changing.

There’s so much more I could say here but I’ll leave it there for now. I hope that if you’re reading this and going through a crisis or recovery, this has given you a little energy for hope and some insights though the never ending fog of mental health advice.

I’m over the moon to say that I’m now happy, energetic, and confident. More than I’ve ever been. I still have dips, but they are easy to deal with now because I know myself so much better.



Big love to all of you xxx

M

Brilliant! :yesyes:

You know what, on any given day, and at any time, there are many more people viewing symptoms than success stories. This morning at 5.24am (UK) there are 183 people in symptoms and 14 in the success stories. When I had my breakdown it was the success stories I wanted to read because I needed to know that I could get better, and also, how to get better.

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you so much for this: It is deeply reassuring and encouraging to hear your story and your powerful insights. I have literally just started on my full dose of Citalopram 20mg this morning after the first 4 days of half a tablet. I've been depressed on and off most of my adult life, but recently - like a slow train crash, I have had bad panic attacks and really hit the buffers. I am really willing myself to get better and am prepared to endure any side effects I encounter. Will take it day by day and just observe and take note. To compliment the med treatment, I am already in therapy, practising Qigong, get plenty of exercise and a good diet, not had any alcohol for a week now, and will pick up my music (squeezebox, clarinet) today for a long overdue practice and work on some arrangements. One of my great sorrows is not being able to play with the band and do gigs because of an agonising 9 months of Covid restrictions. Anyway - just to say thanks again, and wish you every continued joy and happiness in your own recovery. Namaste. Robin

Hi Robin,

Glad to hear it was of help. Sounds like you’re doing everything you can do to tackle your difficulties and there will certainly be healing from your efforts. Sometimes we need to let the train crash so we can let go of it and build a better one. That was when the change really started for me.

I’m also on Citalopram. Was on 40mg but now on 20. Was quite up and down at first with symptoms but they all have passed now I don’t even feel like I’m on them! Ride the waves of it and see how you feel 6-8 weeks after.

Gutting that you can’t play with the band, music is such a healer. Covid will hopefully settle next year and you can start meeting up again.

Wishing you all best for your recovery. Namaste!