Feel like a different person?

Hi everyone,

It has taken me quite a while to find the courage to come on here and ask for some advice/positive words. It might be a bit too long but please hear me out...

This all started around 2 months ago, my friend committed suicide and from the moment I found out, my life just changed.

Don't get me wrong, I have been through a lot of harder times in the past, my Mum had cancer, my Uncle and Grandfather died and I lost another friend suddenly, this all happened in the space of a year. Looking back, I never really grieved and I just got on with my life as my family needed me to be strong.

I have also realised I have always been an anxious person, someone with not a lot of self esteem either but I never really thought of these until this all happened.

So I found out my friend had passed and for some reason, I went into a deep depression for a few days, I became extremely anxious and wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't do anything.

Prior to this, I have had a very normal life with loving friends and family, I had always done things by myself, travelled and lived in different countries alone and was always a rather confident, fun loving girl.

So, I then unfortunately started to google why I felt so weird, what had happened to me, where had the old girl gone and what on earth was going on?

I had also really changed my life, I'd quit University, moved to a different city and met my new boyfriend etc, so a lot of life changes had taken place in a very short amount of time.

I then found articles on DP and if I am totally honest, I think I brought DP onto myself a little. I googled way too much and started to freak out about the symptoms. Maybe putting them in my own head?

Fast forward two months and I feel as if I have become a totally different person. DP and anxiety is all I think about pretty much ALL of the time.

I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and I know I am not losing my mind. I have spent countless hours reading DP recovery stories, tips etc. I have come to learn the only way out is acceptance and just living your life.

No matter what I do, I feel as if I am missing something? I am terrified of never feeling the same way again I think, terrified that I will never ever live a normal life again, I feel confused as to why this happened and what am I doing wrong in not being able to get out?

Basically what I am trying to ask is, what is life after DP? Do you go back to your old self?

In a way, I don't want to go back to my old self as I know deep down that I wasn't very happy, I always ran away from everything and didn't take myself or my life too seriously. In a way, I am grateful for being woken up to more of a real life so to say.

Any advice, tips, wisdom would be absolutely great.

Love to you all and thank you in advance from the bottom of my heart.