Was my dad suffering with PTSD?

My dad was a very angry, bitter, twisted and critical man. He was emotionally abusive most of my life and did not care what he said to me or anyone else, no matter how bad, unpleasant or hurtful it was. He rejected me often. He could not see the good in anyone or anything. He appreciated nothing. There was nothing good in his life. I lived with him and mum longer than I should have done - till I was 35 years old owing to circumstances that would not allow me to move out till then. Me and mum were walking on egg shells for years on end. He would explode at even the slightest thing so I admit that I was scared of my own dad. Even when he was in a "good mood", I was wary because we only had to say the wrong thing and he would be sky high. Actually he put me through hell.

Thing is, about 2 years before he died, he told me that he was getting flash backs to the war. He said that he had been getting dead bodies from crashed planes (As part of his work with the RAF when he was 17 or 18 years old) and that some were even cut in half! I didnt think about this much till after my dad had died last year. Then it all came flooding back what he had said about the bodies in the crashed planes.

My dad was 84 when he died. He actually said in the last couple of years that he did not care how he made people feel or about what they thought either. I thought that was a sad statement for a man in his 80s.

But could he have been suffering with PTSD all these years? Needless to say it wasnt addressed and he was left alone with it.

I want to know that my dad didnt hate me. I am looking for all the reasons I can find that tell me he didnt hate me (After he treated me so badly for so long) and I am seriously wondering if part of his problems were down to PTSD.

What do you think? Any ideas or comments would be welcome.

Thank you.

Shirl

Just a thought...What were his own parents like, do you know? Those who were criticized tend to become very critical themselves.

Well I have already thought of this and he told me when I tried to talk to him about it a few years ago, that they were very kind and not critical etc.

Shirl

I find your post really interesting Shirl. I had cause to think about my dad and his problems the other day, and what role WW2 might have played in them. The question that popped into my mind - and I think this was the first time this had ever occurred to me - was I wonder if he had PTSD?

My dad, who had been a prisoner of war in Germany, was very critical and quite an angry person although I wouldn't say he was bitter, more emotionally remote. I never felt he had much interest in me and certainly never felt loved. A lot of things went on and it is only in retrospect I have realised this was because he suffered from mental health problems. I know he was addicted to tranquillisers at one stage.

I'll never know now if any of this was due to his POW experiences or if it was just the way he was. The idea of PTSD has given me something to think about though. I know I am still affected on a daily basis by the way my childhood was.

I'd bet anything that your dad didn't actually hate you. I'd also like to stress that none of the negativity of your relationship with your dad was YOUR FAULT (something I've been trying to tell myself for years with varying degrees of success).

Have you ever had counselling or seen a psychiatrist or psychologist? I've found that helped me to understand myself a lot better. CBT in particular can be quite good for those of us who suffer from low self-esteem and negativity about oneself as a result of the way a parent behaved towards us.

Hope it helps to know you are not alone. I'm happy to talk more any time xx

Hi Jane, Thank you for your post, I am glad you find mine interesting. Yes its only since I lost my dad on Fathers day last year (Here in the UK) that I have wondered about my dad and PTSD. It makes you wonder doesnt it.

Just like you, I never felt loved either and it has impacted on my marriage and life in Spectacular fashion. In fact its only in the last 5 or 6 years that I finally acknowledged that my dad had been abusive. Although having said that, I knew that the relationship I had with dad was far from right, even before I met hubby. So I did attempt counselling but stopped because it was so expensive. I had no idea that I would not be able to handle close relationships with men because of dads behaviour, untill it was too late - hubby and me had a distance relationship before we were married you see.

Sorry that your dad was a Pow in Germany and that he was addicted to tranquilsers at one stage. Yes my dad was emotional disturbed for sure.

Like you, I doubt I will never know for sure if dads abuse etc was down to PTSD or if it was really his personality and I am also affected on a daily basis by what happened. I wouldnt mind but I am 54. So I am not in my 20s or anything. But I have never got over the rejection and intimidation and abuse etc. I wouldnt mind but I loved my dad. All his message was, "Dont ever love a man or you will be rejected and suffer pain and hurt". Whilst I know that this doesnt have to be true, I cant seem to let go of it, not even after 19 years of marriage!!

I must try and remember what you said, that none of what happened with my dad was my fault. It sure felt like he hated me though. My mum said my dad didnt hate me, but then she has different views that I will talk about later. What she doesnt see is that if you are treated like dirt, it means that you are, or feel, not accepted, unloved, unwanted and so on.

I have been to counselling re my dad since I have been married, on more than one occasion but its not got me where I want to be. I tried to get through to the doctor about my probs but they didnt take me seriously. Yes I have got a book about CBT and as it happens, am very interested in Psychology, CBT and Counselling etc. Perhaps I should try again with the doctor.

Yes it helps to know I am not alone, although I am sorry you are in a similar boat too.

Feel free to message me anytime.

Shirl

Hi Shirl, thanks for that. I'm not young either - 50 - but while I think I've made some progress I've never really shaken off the effects of my poor relationship with my dad. I have a friend whose mum was physically and psychologically abusive and while she has come so far in terms of the life she has created for herself, she too struggles at times, particularly with self-esteem and things like that.

There's a lot I would like to say to you so I'll send you a PM very soon - am busy with work for a few days so don't have time just now. Meantime take care, remember you're not alone and NOTHING was your fault. Be in touch soon xxx

Hi Jane, Thank you for your message. It sounds like you and I are very similar in as much that we have not shaken off the effects of our poor relationships with our dads. I am glad to hear that you think you have made some progress though. Sorry to hear about your friend too. It seems like we have all had a rough time in one way or the other.

Yes I could say a lot to you too. I will be looking forward to your PM when you have time to spare in between your work commitments. Infact I will probably send you a PM on Saturday or Sunday.

Thank you so much for letting me know Im not alone and that nothing was my fault.

Will go and get a cuppa now and get my hair washed etc.

Thank you again.
"Speak" soon.

Shirl