Intrusive thoughts trying to tell me that I don't love my boyfriend anymore.

I've had IT's for a number of years now and they're nothing new anymore to me and they actually calmed down for quite a few years and I've managed to live a normal life but I've suddenly got an influx of different ones with increasing levels of disturbing. I'd say it's only been in the past few months but I've really been struggling with some of the things that my brain produces and I'm finding myself slipping back into old compulsive behaviours (not diagnosed) like constantly checking for reassurance and spending hours inside my head rationalizing with myself.

One lately is one that is trying to convince me that I don't love my boyfriend of almost 2 years anymore, when I know I wholeheartedly do. It all started when I hadn't seen him for a couple weeks (we're kind of semi long distant, like 2 hours drive away but only see each other weekends due to 9-5 jobs) and usually, I'd miss him like crazy, checking my calendar and counting down the hours but I realised that I hadn't done this this time and that first intrusive thought popped into my head saying "this means you don't love him anymore" and it all kind of spiralled from there. I love him dearly, I've been practically obsessed with him from the day we met and I've loved him tremendously throughout our relationship, we have plans of moving in together, getting married and talk about having kids, I'm dead set on this being the one I'm going to be with forever but ever since that one thought that one day, my brain is trying hard to convince me that I'm not interested anymore.

It could very well be due to the fact that my past relationship was a loveless one, I was never in love with my ex at all and our 3 year relationship was basically a friendship with no feelings on my part. I hid it well from him, I pretended to love him for a good portion of our relationship because I was very afraid to lose our friendship. Cue meeting my current boyfriend and I was absolutely enamored by him, he was everything I wanted and I was very much heart-eyed and in the honeymoon phase for a good while of our relationship but now I think I'm in that stage of the relationship where I just feel comfortable and we've kind of settled into it now and I'm worrying that I'm becoming too complacent to the point I could lose feelings. I'm so terrified of it, I want to be with this man for the rest of my life and I'm so happy with him but I'm just terrified of losing feelings and having to end such a great relationship.

Another thing is that I'm noticing that he's not AS perfect as I had initially thought. As I said, I was practically obsessed with him for the first year of our relationship, in my eyes he could do no wrong, even when he showed me his less desirable personality traits (which we all have) I was so heart-eyed for him that I just completely ignored them but now I'm starting to tolerate his flaws a little less, which fills me with fear that it means that I don't love him the way I used to.

I KNOW I love him, I know I still want to be with him and carry on the foundation we've created in almost 2 years but I'm just so afraid of it ending, especially if it's something because of ME. I'll be sat with him and my thoughts will just be racing, telling me things that I know aren't true. I just want the thoughts to stop.

I'm having this but about my own child and its the worst feeling in the world. Makes me want to cry because they are the most important person in the planet to me and love me whole heartedly and I feel so guilty even confiding this but I relate and feel sick to my stomach about it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by helenhoo

I'm having this but about my own child and its the worst feeling in the world. Makes me want to cry because they are the most important person in the planet to me and love me whole heartedly and I feel so guilty even confiding this but I relate and feel sick to my stomach about it.

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But, you still take good care of your child? If yes, then Love and Affection is still present in you. People under going in this kind of situation needs to be emotionally supported. There should be this someone making you feel loved so you can radiate this love to others.