New to this board, separation anxiety

Hi all,

I haven’t used this board before, I’ve usually been on the health anxiety one. I’ve been off citalopram for 2 years now and done well but just got hit like a tonne of bricks this week.

I have 2 boys, age 6 and 3. The big one is 7 in September and just finished year 1 and the littlest has a year to do in nursery. Since they finished, I’ve been non-stop crying....I’m so hung up on all the last times. My toddler soon won’t be a toddler....when will be the last time I hold him as he sleeps or that I pick him up? Will the big one still need me, want to play with me? When will he stop believing in magic, when will he stop holding my hand etc.

I know none of us are guaranteed tomorrow and I’m lucky to have these boys....I know that, we lost our first child to a genetic condition when she was only 2 days old. I know that my almost 7 year old has years of still wanting to play and the 3 year old even more so (he’s not 4 til March) but rationalising isn’t working. I started on citalopram again last night after speaking to my GP.

I just feel so alone and I know this is a natural feeling for parents but I can’t control it. I was fine with my big boy playing out with his friends before and seeing us later but all of a sudden, I can’t deal. I remember being his world and best friend and I know I still am but he needs independence too. I am still the world to the little one and will be for the foreseeable future.

Anyway, that’s me. Thanks for reading.

Naomi

Are you frightened of losing your "purpose" in life, Naomi? As a mum, I mean? Do you think you will become "redundant" as they get older and apparently need you less?

I suppose I know they are going to need me for a long time and even when they are grown up. I guess it’s more the little kid things...the hand holding, the bedtime cuddles, the type of stories, the ‘will you play with me?’

Again, I know there is years of this to come and I don’t know why this has hit me all of a sudden. I know 7 years old is still firmly in the age bracket of wanting to spend time with family etc but as he plays out more, I miss that time where he just wanted to be with us. And it’s silly, because he still does. I know winter will come and he won’t be able to play out because it will be too dark.

I started noticing when I mentioned a song to him that we used to sing and he couldn’t remember it...when did we stop singing it and why? I think it was when the little one came along as the older one was a good sleeper anyway. Then he randomly remembers something else instead.

I don’t even know what I’m hung up on. Last night the little one wouldn’t leave me in bed and spent all night with us, he has years of being little ahead of him.

Having a bad morning. I’ve only taken 2 citalopram so far so know it is probably side effects. Yesterday, I picked up by tea time when husband was home and the boys were playing in the garden but son was round at his friend’s for a while and it really set me off. This morning we have been chilling out and he just said ‘how many hours have I been with you because I feel like knocking on Amelia now’. As it happens, he can’t because he’s grounded but it still felt like a sucker punch.

My mother her in law says it’s because we are just round the house, that when we go out he loves it and she is right. He still seeks out cuddles and kisses and has started asking to get in the bath with me even. He loves cuddles at night and wants us to play Lego and battleships with him. I also have the little one who has 3 years before we even get to this point. I don’t want him to be trapped, I genuinely don’t and there are always times when he wants to do stuff with us. I don’t know what is wrong with me or what is happening here. This didn’t upset me last week.

I think the difference is it is the summer holidays and in term time we are all busy so it doesn’t feel so bad. I’ve been used to having to entertain them all summer and much more playing in the garden etc. And that still happened, I KNOW THIS! And probably will for a few years yet and yet here I am, able to rationalise and yet get nowhere. Everything I want to do this summer, he wants to do but in between he wants to play with friends, that’s normal. It’s just that suffocating feeling of not knowing when he won’t want me anymore. When he won’t want us to play Lego, when he won’t want us to read stories. And again, years away, I know. So why am I like this?