Broken record.

Goodness me. I am so fed up with all this. It's getting to the point where i am seriously thinking "What IS the point?". I'm exhausted, i have the awful fainty feeling whenever i go out. I don't know about anyone else, but my faintness always starts in my stomach, just like it did when i blacked out when all this crap started nine years ago.

I am also getting way too much anticipatory anxiety. I am ALREADY panicking about grocery shopping tomorrow afternoon. I keep thinking all the negative things i shouldn't be thinking, but just cannot stop them. Its my sons 9th birthday next Saturday and i haven't got him a present because i can't get out anywhere to get him one. How crap am i? I am such a bad mother. I don't deserve to be here wasting my life and i'm not able to enhance my sons and do things that normal mothers do. I can't give him a party this year because i couldn't stand all the children in my house. My illness is beginning to effect him. When i was really bad before he was just a baby so it didn't really matter - but now...it does and i hate myself for it.

I hate my life. I hate this panic crap. I hate everything. I hate feeling anxious. I hate worrying all the time. I hate the aches and pains i constantly have. I just don't ever see a way out anymore. I hate the thought that this is my life.

i know how you feel there, i feel now as if its just time to give up and let it take me with it. BUT NO we can't let it win. you've got to fight and be a stronger person. if not for you then for your son. its easy to give up but you can't well you can but what will that achieve. at least your fighting thats a good thing. internet shopping is always good if you feel you definatly can't go out.

take care hun

xxxxx

You poor thing Bluebell, I know just how you feel. Is there someone who can go out with you to give you a bit more confidence? Feeling faint is a problem for me too. Have you had it checked out to see if there is some other cause for it? Maybe you have low blood pressure or something. Have you tried getting some help. Your gp is probably the first stop, get someone to go with you. Try tackling things small steps at a time rather than a full attack on going to the shops. Maybe just walk to the end of the road first, then a bit further till you feel ok about each step. Don't try to rush it.
Have you talked to your son about how you are feeling? Children can be very understanding and helpful if you give them the chance.
A big hug for you Bluebell and I hope you can get through this.