Think the high is unfortunately coming to an end

Hi guys,

Been a while from Ive been on, eventually overcame my fear of taking meds to help and along with counselling 2 years ago I was/am on the road to recovery.

I've been taking 40mg of paroxetine and it gave me the breathing space I needed to face world again after struggling with random trsggered panic in any situation.
I manged to cut out drinking completely as it was my escaspism/treat at the weekend but i was paying for it ith the fear and the rest of the weekend in bed.

I also lost 4+ stone after piling on in a nightmare job and locking myself away and my latest achievement was moving from cigs 2 years ago to vaping which as of June has also now stopped.

I know proper show off. Ha.jk. But I have accepted I have done well as much as I struggle to commend my achievements.

Over the last few months though I have been struggling again, small bouts of adrenaline and the tip of what feels like attacks coming back. I love my job but I know I also give it 110 percent and although I enjoy the pressure of tight deadlines etc I over push myself I don't know if its subconsciously triggering from it but I honestly can't slow down or switch off and the passion is there so it's like a catch 22.

Ive also started seeing someone for around 8 months and recently she has been picking up I'm all over the plave outside of work and just constantly negative and moaning more so than usual. I'm not going to lie I've always been kind of sarky grumpy but I just feel angry and my rants just spill out and over the edge or feels like just now.

She has had her own battles and is currently on meds and I think we clash on certain things that I'm feeling attacked and she feels I'm being angry and we constantly seem to fall out over disagreements.

Currently on holiday and we have fallen out again. Granted holidays test any couple but I've done alot of reflecting today and as much as I think our relationship just isn't going to work I have had a look into my head space and realise I am really low. Just snapping at silly little things like bad manners from others in hotel ie letting doors swing in your face and also we are all inclusive and there's just lack of respect for others when queuing portion size and waste. Albeit things I know which would probably anooy or trigger the normal man but having this time and our exchanging of words etc I cant help feeling low and it hitting home that I am getting triggered and nasty ranting and moaning in situations.

I still try to listen to podcasts and sled help audio books etc and I try to look at the bright side and be thankful but Im wondering if the meds may need looked at and if anyone else has had anger and mood swings on them?

I think we are definitely done as a couple and with the mental side of things aside I think we aren't suited for one another and we both agree this, thankfully it's the last day today so we can get back and have our space and probably leave it at that in terms of our relationship but I need to have a look at myself and for me going forward that I'm not driving people away and getting myself down with my mood.

I'm scared to change based on having bad experiences with propranolol and or them not taking to me well as I know meds are trial and error and as much as I'm maybe a little erratic at least my attacks are at bay but the mood lapses and dry mouths can't continue.

Apologies for my long winded chat I just feel I need to let it out and also explain my situation as best and in depth as I can.