Turning the corner - Dare I say it?
Hi, my name is Rich. I’m a technology Sales Professional. I’m 40 years old and I have a wife and two teenage kids. My wife and I both work full time and I am the primary “breadwinner”. I’d previously suffered an episode of near-debilitating GAD in my early 30’s. At the time I was put onto 20mg Citalopram and whilst the side effects were indeed horrid, I found comfort in the various articles and posts on this site, which kept me going. Almost 8 weeks to the day after starting Citalopram, I began to feel “normal’ish” again. From there it just got better and for the most part, my mid to late 30’s were brilliantly successful. I weaned off Citalopram completely by early 2017 and was stable, almost incapable of feeling any anxiety, for almost 2 years. In early March this year, I suffered another near-deblitating GAD attack. Faced with debt and a family to support, I’ve had no option other than to carry on working. The environment in which I work is very male machismo oriented and sympathy, empathy or understanding when it comes to mental health issues is about as forthcoming as hitting the jackpot on the lottery. It’s been a long, hard-fought battle. For almost 6 weeks I was on 10mg Escitalopram - during this period, I thought I was done and it would never improve, I’d never sleep again (without a sleeping pill) and that I was going nuts - all the while faking it every day at work and having to see customers and put together quotes! I continued to experience horrific side effects right up until I decided to switch to 20mg Citalopram which I’d taken previously, which was brilliant. The first two weeks were less than pleasant and in fact, my anxiety reared it’s head again in the second week. I couldn’t believe it, what the hell was going on!? Okay, even though Escitalopram was wrong for me, surely the Seratonin levels in my brain were higher!? Week 3 (this past week), I got to Thursday and felt the anxiety was getting the better of me and so I took 0.5mg Clonazepam and I slept somewhat that night. On Friday I was wound up for most of the day but that evening thought: “stuff it, if I don’t sleep, at least I’ll have all day Saturday to recover”. To my surprise, although it took me a while to drift off, I eventually did and while the sleep was broken by frequent awakenings, I still managed some sleep and even dreamed and man, were those dreams vivid. I felt pretty weird on Saturday, quite a bit of depersonalisation but again adopted the stuff it attitude that night. I should mention that I do always feel better at night than I do during the day, I think this stems from Home being perceived as a safe environment and having people there whom I love and with whom I enjoy spending time. The broken sleep on Saturday night was better than the previous night and the dreams were even more vivid and just plain freaky. Sunday, I felt spacey but less anxious and noticed that I was able to engage more and didn’t have churning dread running overtime in my brain. Sunday night was great and almost felt normal. Again I didn’t take anything for sleep and had a rough night. Although I only woke up once and quickly went back to sleep, I woke up at 5am and then started to dwell on things I’d need to do - go to work being the most unpleasant thought to dominate my mind. Pretty stressful day at the office yesterday and although I felt duh and a bit spacey, again I was able to engage and converse without too much background noise. I felt I’d need a sleeping tablet last night and had it ready to go by the bedside but to my surprise, I drifted off not long after getting to bed at 11. I only woke once at 1:30am and then slept until 5. Today I definitely don’t feel as tired as I did yesterday and while I’m still not feeling myself, I can only take stock and recognise that at no time during the past few weeks would I have been able to sleep naturally nor function as well at work. I told my wife to mark Sunday, May 26th as the day I started to feel “better”.
It’s been a ridiculous struggle and I feel that I’m now coming out the other side but it has been the most mentally challenging time of my life. I believe that things will continue to improve and that in another month or so, things will be much better. My faith has been restored in the old adage “time heals all wounds”. In the midst of anxiety though there is almost no place for rational thinking and herein lies the challenge. I was so desperate for sleep during the early days that I would try a tranquilliser one day, then try a sleeping tablet the next, then change my AD dosing time, then try another drug for sleep, this led to nothing but a roller coaster ride of terror for my brain. I made a concerted effort, once I changed to Citalopram, to take my dose at the same time every evening and to stay the course for at least 6 weeks. Today marks 3 weeks since the switch and I’m happy that things finally seem to be improving. I’m still struggling with motivation but there are certain things that I now look forward to doing whereas previously I felt like doing absolutely nothing whatsoever, I had zero interest in anything.
I look forward to updating this post with continued improvement. I hope that this will serve as comfort for those thinking about starting Citalopram or doubting the decision because of the side effects. Stay the course, it will improve.
Re: Turning the corner - Dare I say it?
Rich, how’s it been going? I’m in a similar situation. I’m on week 6 of restarting celexa after having been off of it for over six months. I am having moments of feeling better, but still having daily anxiety and negative thoughts, etc.
Re: Turning the corner - Dare I say it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sne3646
Rich, how’s it been going? I’m in a similar situation. I’m on week 6 of restarting celexa after having been off of it for over six months. I am having moments of feeling better, but still having daily anxiety and negative thoughts, etc.
Hi there sne3646
I’m way better than I was when starting out. I’ve been on 20mg for almost 4 weeks now (this Tuesday) and it’s getting better. I had some great days this past Friday and Saturday, my best sleep was Friday night. Despite being crazy busy on Saturday and hitting the weights at the gym, my sleep was pretty lousy. I felt pretty apathetic for most of the day today but not too much anxiety, that seems to be retreating for the time being. I feel a bit thick-headed and by that I mean stupid. Also like I’m in a bit of a bubble, like almost outside of the every day world, not quite in it - hard to explain. I’m struggling to remember names and my short-term memory seems shot for the time being. I do remember that happening last time though and so I’m now reinforcing to myself that every day that passes is another day closer. I’m definitely still adjusting but I reckon three weeks from today, I’ll be back to feeling great. What dosage are you on sne?
