In Between Worries

So this year has been the worst year in terms of my health anxiety. It started with ovarian cancer then went straight to lung cancer, bone cancer, brain cancer and then a DVT fear which ended yesterday (because my legs feel better). Now I’m sitting here with no current fear because I feel alright. But I also feel like this is even worse than an actual episode. Because I just feel impending doom. I just feel like something bad will happen to my body and every little thing irks me, for ie: just a few moments ago I was trying to say to my son that “oh you really like magnifying glasses, but all that came out was “magnification glasses”. On any other day I wouldn’t have cared because I would have had some disease I was already worrying about, but now I’m worried about brain tumours again. I just feel depressed. I can’t feel pure happiness. Does anyone relate? Is health anxiety a manifestation of depression? Because when I’m not obsessing over an illness I usually just feel sad and scared because I’m worried that either something will happen to me or something will happen to my loved ones. It’s such a horrible feeling and it’s just constant morbid thinking.

Yes, I can sympathize. When everything is feeling pretty ok, I still find a way to feel anxious. I think of it like free floating anxiety, trying to latch onto something. Unfortunately it usually finds something and I’m on to the next worry. I’m trying hard to break the cycle though.

I can definitely relate. I have had really long stretches when I feel "good" and am not plagued by any particular anxiety. However, even during these times I am always avoiding certain things (foods, places, activities, etc...) that I'm afraid will trigger a new attack/spiral. I'm currently in a really bad spiral and I woke up in a panic last night that went from anxiety to just sadness. I'm sad that I can't experience life the way I used to before anxiety. My whole life was anxiety free until my daughter was born 4 years ago, so I have so many memories of how I once was. This morning I was inconsolable but eventually calmed down, cleaned my house, and got myself feeling better. I was feeling really good about coming downstairs, making some tea, and getting a bit of work and relaxation I tonight. Now, as I'm putting my daughter to bed I started getting this sharp pain through the back of my neck and into my chest that scared the shit out of me. It's just so exhausting. Literally if it's not one thing, it's the next. I'm just exhausted by it all.