Too much to handle - Feeling Defeated

I apologize for not being present on the Forums for a little over a week, now. Things in my personal life have taken a turn for the worst...

My Uncle, whom I loved and admired to the highest with all of my heart, passed away abruptly. It happened in his sleep.....he had a slew of medical conditions but to our knowledge, he was running back and forth to his doctors constantly trying to manage and take care of all of them. He struggled with sleep apnea, too. Many of us believe that is what caused his sudden passing.....

I attended his Wake two days ago. Thing is, I was not informed that it would be an open-casket service. I walked into the funeral home with my Mom and other Uncle, turn the corner into the main room, and was greeted right then and there, without warning, by his body. It shocked me quite a bit. I had a few seconds of that "no way...please, no..." feeling immediately afterwards. I mean, when I found out about his passing, I was just coming in from a walk and was on the phone with my Mom just MINUTES beforehand. I made my way up the front stairs, but as soon as I reached the top, that's when I was told. I went completely numb and full-on denial kicked in. I had no reaction whatsoever. I attempted to brush it off as some cruel joke that the Family was all in on. That, or I was dreaming and that I'd eventually wake up...

It wasn't until later on that night that this overwhelming and consuming dread filled me from head to toe. It suddenly felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and stomped on. A very unwelcoming realization slowly started to settle in and that's when the tears started to flow like rivers.....I couldn't control myself. The reality of it all hit me like a truck......God, I've never felt anything as emotionally draining and crippling as that before in my LIFE.....

During his Wake, I sucked it up the best I could and put on a brave face for the sake of everyone else who attended. I got the nerve up after a while to approach the casket and view him in his final physical state. The thickness of the disbelief I had first experienced was still lingering....even though I was face to face with my beloved, now deceased relative, I STILL could not and did not want to accept that he was truly gone from this world.......that I'd never see him again, hear from him again, and share those endless laughs we'd have whenever we had conversations with one another during a party or family gathering.....

I thought so much of my Uncle. I genuinely loved him to the Moon and back again. I was very close with him. I'm like that with my other Uncle, too - but to a different kind of extent, ya'know? It's difficult to explain with just words...

He was always there for me and my Mother. I mean, ALWAYS.....all we had to do was pick up the phone and he'd be right there.....we survived some pretty tough times through-out Life entirely thanks to him......he was a very caring, understanding, giving, and family-orientated Man.......

It's so hard to let go....I don't think I ever will.....

I had to step outside during the Wake because my Anxiety shot through the roof and derealization/depersonalization began to set in like it never had before. It was so bad that I felt like I would have passed out/fainted if I stayed and didn't go out for some fresh air, even though it was a very chilly day.

Almost everyone was there. People were teary eyed. Some silent and to themselves, others talkative and supportive. I mainly stuck with my other Uncle and sisters when they arrived. I shook a lot of hands and received a lot of condolences/hugs. I seen Aunts and cousins that I hadn't been around in YEARS....so, I suppose that was one cheery thing about the occasion.....

Ever since this all took place, I've been an absolute wreck. Physically, I feel like I have no energy EVER...as if I'm sick all the time...always spacey and fatigued. Emotionally, it's a downright roller-coaster ride from Hell. One day I'm "alright" then the next I'm bawling my eyes out with a tissue box beside me. I've never experienced loss and pain of this magnitude before. Mentally, forget about it....I feel very "gone" ya'know.......I've barely been eating or sleeping.....whenever I do sleep, it's a very screwy schedule 'cause I'll be so exhausted that I'll sleep through-out the whole day and be awake all night long right into the next day feeling like I, myself, may be being viewed in a casket sometime soon......it's a horrible cocktail of feelings...

Overall, me and my Life have veered off course....it's a total train-wreck.

Like in the title, I just feel so defeated.....like this is way too much for me to handle on my own. Thoughts of my Uncle keep me awake...I've also been having very strange and indescribable dreams as of late.....I can't focus, my memory's been shot, my perception is so off, a prominent sense of depression and hopelessness has been following me around like a storm cloud above my head, etc..........I just can't deal.......I'm at a loss and it feels like I'm all alone.......

Can anybody else at all relate...? If so, how did you cope and make it through such a personal tragedy?......any/all responses and advice will be more than appreciated and considered.......thank you.....be well, all....

I am very sorry to hear about the passing of your uncle. It is very early days for you in the grief process and it is understandable that you should feel so devastated at the loss of a loved one.
I lost an uncle a few years ago who I was very close to and helped to care for him. I have lovely memories of him which will always be with me. With time it is easier to cope with the grief. maybe it may help if you went for grief counselling?Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

I can relate. I felt like this when i lost my mum, 22 years ago. I saw her body in the coffin and it didn't seem real, it was my mum but not if you get me.
Expect to feel like crap for a while, bawl, shout do whatever you have to. Then when you're able, remember the good times, look at photos etc.
Honestly you have good reason to feel bad, you wouldn't be a sensitive soul if you didn't.
It's a well worn phrase but it will get better:)

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost someone very dear to me a year ago. Bereavement can completely throw you off your feet and make you feel like your going crazy. I remember having intense sensations of being pulled down or crushed by an invisible weight. Mentally I was completely destabilised and felt in a horrible spiral. I felt for sure I was going to die as it felt like my body would cope with the stress of it day in, day out.

It took my a long time to heal. I'm still getting there and still feel a profound sense of loss, but it does get easier. The crazy whirlwind of emotions do calm down. For now, the best thing I can suggest is just be very gentle with yourself while you ride out your body's reaction. I remember around the three month mark it was suggested to me that I should be over it now, but we all heal in our own time. Take as long as you need, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing so.

Wintear, I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle. I think a loss of this magnitude is always grief and anxiety producing. Healing after a loss such as this takes time. The important thing right now is self care. Try getting sleep at the appropriate times and eating correctly. Grief counseling can often be very helpful at times like this.

Thank you all.....I truly do appreciate the condolences. I just don't know what to do or where to start......I want to stay in bed all day and shut the whole world away, ya'know :/.......

You just take one day at a time Wintear. One minute if that's all you can cope with. If you need to retreat from the world for a little bit then that's fine. It will still be here when you're ready to come back.

Warm wishes :hugs:

Thank you, Round in circles.

I already had a list of life problems to sort out before this struck me, too......I just feel so overwhelmed and like I have nothing left to put towards any effort anymore.

I've been running on E all week........