OCD: Always something new to obsess about...

I'm pretty sure I have OCD, without the physical compulsions. I am sure my health anxiety was a subset of that.

I no longer have health anxiety, infact I wish I could have it back. I pray I get it back or actually get cancer (no disrespect) because these other themes of OCD are much more difficult to handle. I would much rather be physically ill than mentally ill like I am at the moment, I'm sure some people go through both but I can't handle mental illness.

I go through periods of being absolutely fine, and then periods of obsessing and ruminating. Sometimes I am fine for weeks but usually I can't go more than a month without obsessing/ruminating.

I miss my old life more than anything but I guess you can't choose your brain. I even miss my old obsessions because the new ones are always worse.

I am now going through horrific ruminations about mistakes I made as a teenager, my brain is fabricating these events (and I know it is) and I can't even eat or sleep because of these ruminations. Because it was SO long ago, I have no way to prove or dissprove anything (OCD loves this). My brain makes me feel like an evil criminal, when I literally have always been the most normal child/teenager and young adult, I've never done anything out of the norm. OCD loves uncertainty and things it cannot prove or dissprove.

OCD ups its game, IT ALWAYS UPS its game. It's gone from "what if?"..."You could have"..."what if you already did without realising it?" etc etc

I just feel hopeless. I still stubbornly refuse to get help because I'm scared a therapist wont understand or will confirm my worst fears/obsessions and lock me away somewhere and throw away the key...

I can't focus on anything at all in times like this.

I just felt like coming on here and letting it out to people who understand, I've just had enough with this. I guess this was just a bit of a rant.

OCD plays it's games with me, it's been years now and I'm so tired :(