Relationship OCD and Friendship

Salutations to all.

It's been quite a while since I was last here. In the last 4 or 5 months, irony of ironies, I was talking to a close female friend about how my OCD used to target my best friend, saying I thought this was because of herself when I didn't, when I know just because something circles around or is concerning or to do with a person, doesn't mean they caused it or anyone's to blame.

Irony incoming, my OCD decided just for kicks to target this female friend in a similar way. Now I like this girl, she's a nice friend, I don't have the same capacity for love and she likes me and love's me as a friend, we are quite close. But even I know that due to distance and such, nothing would happen and that's factually fine with myself, just having a friend is quite the privilege and beyond for me.

Just like my best friend, my maternal parent and a close old friend, this girl understands my conditions, even helps me when I don't really deserve it and I seem to just put her through hell. I do not wish to lose her.. even if I have the constant knowledge that one day I will be alone anyhow and accepted that years ago, I still don't wish to lose this friend or any really.

I am aware it would be completely normal if, say people stopped talking to me or being my friend that i would continue in life, be fine in my way and that it wouldn't mean anything my OCD or intrusive thoughts say.

I had to come to this realisation rather recently when I realised I'll never hear from my best friend again.. I never did really deal with that emotionally because I cannot connect to my emotions.

The only thing I had left was my calm indifference, and my hunger, which for those who do not know, is sort of like being physically hungry all the time but not for food. I don't have a libido, I had hunger which was near on constant. But this bout of OCD, due to nothing and no one, stole that from me as well.

Now I have been recently getting better, and yet I seem to go round in a daily cycle which is only assisted by compulsions and this friend and my maternal parent. Once I stop thinking, or obsessing, I can be decent, almost content honestly.

But then I always remember.. always start thinking on something else.. I know this friend won't leave me, and yet I am obsessed sometimes with 'Saving her' and everyone else. Logically eventually all will save themselves from someone like me.. I am not the best company although none agree. They see in me stuff which cannot be logically explained except that they see what I do not.

However I digress. My question to those here is one I have posed before in a group on facebook:

Can you get relationship OCD, with a friendship/friend?

Logically I am aware you can, however.. what with my head and constant gut being a shrakh, I cannot internalise without serious rumination. I usually talk to this friend every day, I like it, even if before the last few months I was simply fine with it and that was fine too.

It didn't mean anything negative, if I didn't wish to talk or was busy she understands and I know that's normal even with my brain being as it is, and thankfully she's one of those people who not only understands from a personal view as she endures OCD and intrusive thoughts herself, but she doesn't pander to me, like my maternal parent does. My maternal parent helps immensely in her way, and this friend helps me just as much in her own unique ways.

She tells me the truth, and I tell her facts and the truth as well, it's compulsive I cannot lie to women. Even not saying something causes issues, it's sometimes hilarious.

I recently have found out by how I am, I probably have Responsibility OCD as well, as I am near on compulsively obsessed that I am going to destroy the emotional wellbeing and lives of people, especially this friend or others just by being myself, or saying something or failing to do something even when she says it's fine and I can tell she tells the truth easily.

I guess I am just curious.. I also say sorry so much again these day's for things I think or logically I have to have done, even when I didn't or it was an accident and never on purpose. That fails to factually matter to my brain, if I did it or it happened, I did it. I should fix it.

And all thise without any emotions. Biggest irony of all.