Was I or wasnt I sexaully abused?

Hi everyone,

I've been on this forum for quite some time, but just recently got into therapy and on prozac.. but thought I would share something on a flashback memory I have been having more of recently.

Just a little background, I am 30 years old FINALLY receiving treatment for OCD, anxiety and depression issues. I have suffered most of my life from this being the child of a divorced family (parents divorced at age 10). I spent most of my childhood with my mother, but moved back in with my father at age 16.

My father has always been my major financial support over the years, and we have had a great relationship (besides the fact that he absolutely hates my mother). When my parents divorced and I would spend every other weekend at my Dad’s and I developed a habit of asking to sleep with him because I was scared. This wouldn’t happen all the time but when it did, he would let me sleep with him and always put a pillow between us. SIDENOTE: My dad is VERY VERY distant emotionally and I can count on one hand how many times he has actually hugged me or shown any physical sign of love with my mother or any of his girlfriends.

I have this memory in my head of one time waking up on one of the nights I slept with Dad and my underwear were around my knees. He of course was asleep, pillow still between us and all. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, maybe around 13 or so. I don’t remember anything else besides that, and I really deep down want to believe that I simply decided to take them off for whatever reason. I also did not have a habit of this behavior in the past.

My Dad has always treated me differently than my brother because I went through a lot of trauma and stress living with my mother (brother stayed with him). I don’t know if I am suppressing any encounter of abuse or it simply stands out in my head because it was so odd, but as I get older, I want to figure it out. I also did not start thinking of this until a few years ago, as it never really occurred to me before. My father has never done anything to me or my brother.. just has a habit of watching HBO porn too loud at night while we were sleeping. Not sure how to handle all of this and looking for any support or advice on the matter.

Thank you all.

Hi Cherryolivia

It is a very difficult one to answer, all you can do is look at the facts. It sounds like your dad did have boundaries when you shared the bed and you were never aware of him doing anything untoward. When you woke the pillow was still there and your dad asleep. Are you a light or heavy sleeper? Would you have been likely to wake if your underwear was being interfered with? Could your underwear have moved as a result of a restless night, bad dream you had or whatever? I know I would probably wake up straight away if anyone did anything to my clothing while asleep unless I'd been drinking heavily. If your dad had done anything like that he would be risking an awful lot considering you could wake up at any time. Would he risk destroying the good relationship he had with you? Many blokes watch porn, but it doesn't make them all abusers. If it continues to bother you would it be worth seeing a counsellor? At the end of the day only you can work this one out as you have all the facts available. I wish you all the best.

What I find interesting is how it never bothered you until recently. Was this because you had supressed this memory or was it always there and never concerned you? If the latter then I would question why now? The reason I say this is because I'm not the only one on here to go through periods where I have questioned acts in the past that never concerned me before but now it was subject to my negative thinking due to my anxiety. I got past that and they don't bother me again.

It would be worth engaging with a professional on this. Even your GP may be able to help.